Wondering about this too...
Here is another question about boundaries
Along with the strange birthday card from YSD to DH, she sent a birthday package for him. Something for our house that she knew he would like. She even mentioned she thought it would look good in our Rec room in the basement. Now, we have a ton of house gifts from YSD that were generally given to DH for his birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day etc....it's not that YSD doesn't have good taste as she does for the most part (and some not so much 
) but this has always bothered me a little bit too
It's as if she feels that as long as DH likes it in the house, that that is all that matters. Doesn't seem to consider that her SM equally lives in/owns/pays for the house. Maybe I don't like all the gifts (especially the tacky clock and non-display non-featured phone which were gifts from her for DH)
I don't think YSD is doing it to be deliberately disrespectful to me, I seriously just think it's always the way it has been, she has never stopped to consider it/me, so she is doing what she's always done
But it's strange because when she sends me gifts, which I'm always so honoured that she would stop and think about doing for me, it's usually not a house item, generally something small and personal like specialty teas or perfume etc...and again I love anything she takes the time to put thought and effort into for me but never something for me that is for the house like she often sends to DH...it's like she thinks that if her and DH think it's cool for the house that's all that matters. And believe me our home is filled from the front entrance to the spare room on the third floor with statues, art work, vases, etc... all from YSD
Just wondering if this is normal or whether I'm overreacting?
I have never bought my dad
I have never bought my dad decorative items for his house, I figure that is something for him and his wife to buy together.
I take that back, I did give him a painting once but I painted it myself, specifically for him and his home office.
Wow, I can relate to this.
Wow, I can relate to this. What I did is this:
I have yet to receive something from the stepkids that is actually in good taste that I would display in my house.
I have a box in the garage earmarked for the Goodwill. Tacky stuff goes in there and if a year goes by and DH hasn't missed it, it gets donated.
I feel it's the wife's role to decorate her home the way she wants.
My SS has asked about a clock he made for DH when he was a child, why DH isn't hanging it on the wall anymore. It's a neon blue thing made out of a frisby. Am I supposed to display that in my newly decorated beige leather den where it used to be? DH knows I don't want that thing on the wall, so he put it on the bookshelf, leaning against the wall. It's still ugly, I'm sorry, but we bought a clock that matches from one of our trips. That is the only clock being displayed in our den.
End of story. The blue frisby clock was relegated to the inside of the bookshelf, behind closed doors.
I really don't think I have an obligation to display their chlldhood artwork in my home 24/7.
Yes now that makes sense
Yes now that makes sense hereiam...although I used to buy my mom house gifts when she moved in with my step-dad so maybe I'm guilty too of the same thing, but somehow it's different, my mom was clearly in charge of the house decorating and my step-dad could care less..when it's SD/SM it's more noticeable
Yes, I think it's different
Yes, I think it's different for mothers and daughters with the decorating stuff, as it usually is the woman who does the decorating.
I have bought decorative items a couple of times for their house but it was to BOTH of them.
I agree with this. SD in
I agree with this. SD in particular is very good at picking out thoughtful gifts for me for Christmas. But she doesn't remember my birthday. I don't see anything wrong with that at all. DH is in charge of remembering his kids' birthdays, not me.
Yes I guess you are right
Yes I guess you are right StepAside
It's exactly that, when my YSD does things like that it reminds me that I nowhere near matter to her like her 'family' does. And while it hurts, I really don't feel it is deliberate but that doesn't make it sting any less
And yes I'm fortunate my YSD does take the time and effort to acknowledge me. I honestly don't care about her buying me gifts. It's the fact she took the time to think about me and send a gift and thoughtful card. That's sweet of her
I really feel bad for you that your SD's don't acknowledge you...but ya you're right it's okay if we are at least treated as good as the mailman
my DH's eldest daughter isn't even quite there yet for me!
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying about skids not needing to go out of their way to make a step-parent feel they matter in order in have a relationship with their parent StepAside. Of course. The parent chose their SO, not the skid, and especially if the skid doesn't like their step-parent - but is still respectful to them this being the key - that it's ridiculous to expect that the skid must fall all over the step-parent if they want a relationship with their parent.
I can see how these lines get crossed. With that said, I do feel a skid - especially once they are adults - should be expected to act in a respectful, civil manner to their step-parents. Even more so if their step-parents have always treated them with respect and dignity, it is not acceptable that a grown skid whose step-parents have been good to him/her, behave in a way that deliberately makes that step-parent feel bad
My YSD falls in the respectful great skid category and I don't expect her to fall over backwards to make me feel that I matter like family, even when this hurts, I completely understand and totally get along with her anyway.
On the otherhand, my DH's eldest daughter behaves in a spiteful, conniving, manipulative manner towards me that is 100% meant to deliberately highlight (just in case I somehow could have missed it
) how much she doesn't value me. In fact, not only does she go out of her way to rub it in my face in all her little head-games, but she has said it to my face....this being right after a totally fall over backwards party my sister and I held for both DH's daughters one year that they asked for, when I mistakenly thought everything was okay with us, making it all the more cruel
I could write a book about the deliberately nasty things she has done specifically aimed at hurting me and making me feel totally unwelcome in 'her family'
I think lines get crossed here too when this happens and the skid is not held accountable for it by parent.
Complicated situation and not hard to understand how boundaries get crossed on both sides I guess...
Yes StepAside, that's it
Yes StepAside, that's it exactly.
It works two ways, if everyone understands and agrees in the 'not family' part, then it should all go smoothly
You really do seem to hit the
You really do seem to hit the nail exactly on the head sometimes StepAside!! Amazing
I dunno.... I think the fact
I dunno.... I think the fact that she's thoughtful enough to send you gifts that you actually like means that she IS thinking of you, even when picking out house stuff for her dad. You did say you thought most of it was tasteful (with a couple notable exceptions). Is it possible what went on in her head was more like this?
"Gee, Dad would love this artwork! No, SM would hate it. Hmm... Oh! He'd love this other thing, and I think SM wouldn't mind this one! That's what I'll get!"
Maybe not, maybe I'm totally off, but I think it's at least possible. I've gotten my dad house stuff, as long as I thought it passed the "mom wouldn't loathe it" test.
I was also wrong about whether or not she'd hate it a couple times, which Mom gave me crap about.
Thanks AllySkoo, I hope
Thanks AllySkoo, I hope you're right
YSD is generally a sweet girl so that is possible too!