BM's neglect for SS. Is this common?
I honestly never thought parents could be so lazy and neglectful as SS'7.
I've sorted out SO, as he didn't have a clue when I met him and just did things her way (stupid, I know)and he's a wonderful dad to our DD but BM of SS is a disgrace.
A small list of the things I encounter:
SS has had a 'soiling' problem for over a year and she's only just decided he may need to see a professional about it - even though SO has been hassling her for ages.
Coming over packed with a) no clothes b) dirty clothes c) clothes that are WAY too small and should have been thrown when he was an infant.
Refusing to make SS come over if he doesn't feel like it.
Not seeing that he's not eating anywhere near enough because she's too busy. He's now getting painfully thin again and we're having to again hassle her to take him to a GP.
Never takes him out when she has him and sticks him on a tablet in front of the tv all day.
Not socialising him so he hates other people's company.
Not teaching him any manners.
Blaming him looking up porn on his father when SS blamed it on him.
Letting him run his own baths from the age of 4, but never checking he'd washed himself so at almost 8, he now can't even wash his own hair as he doesn't know how to.
Not making him get regular baths or clean his teeth.
Making her older daughter take him out to get them out of his hair (from her being about 10), so he tells us how he's been eating 'snow' cocaine with his older sister.
Allowing him to watch scary movies that I won't even watch.
Going to bed and leaving SS and his sister up to watch Family Guy etc.
That's not to even mention smoking weed around them and when she feels like having a cleaning weekend, just pops speed to get her through it.
Have any of you encountered similar and how did are they as people?
Yeah. Been there with BM and
Yeah. Been there with BM and SD12. DH now has sole custody since 2012. SD12 is extremely f'ed up mentally. BM lost custody of her other two children(diff fathers) as well. BM is pretty delusional and believes that DH and her parents will eventually 'give in and give her kids back'
Interesting. Thank you for
Interesting. Thank you for your reply.
Have the kid tested for
Have the kid tested for marijuana smoke - probably second hand. That should be enough to file for custody.
Are you sure you want to do that?
Did dad call CPS and try to
Did dad call CPS and try to get full custody? Why didn't dad teach his son to shower, take him to the doctor, teach him manners....?
I don't understand why we blame just the mom when both parents are slacking.
I have quite specifically
I have quite specifically stated that SO was a bad parent and because he's scared of his ex, he still is when it comes to his son purely because he had the opportunity to get social services involved but wouldn't go through with it. He was stupid enough to take parenting lessons from the worst parent in the world.
I am actually compiling photographic evidence of his clothing etc at the moment - as once again, even though she'd been told many times about his clothes, she still is neglecting him. Once I have everything, then I want to involve them - my problem being that I don't want his son around my daughter full time. If truth is known I'd rather not have him around her ever. Yes, that's extremely selfish of me but why ruin another child for the sake of one already beyond help?
As for drugs testing, I didn't even know that you could get those and we don't have Walmart here but I will check online. Apparently she hasn't done that for a year or 2 but I would certainly be interested in seeing the evidence for myself.
By the way, he has taught his son all these things now, but I think he's quite developmentally backwards and seems to refuse to grasp how to wash his hair, wipe his bottom etc. he's not the brightest kid anyway.
You're doing all the work to
You're doing all the work to present a case to CPS. You had to push dad to parent. Your SO sounds just as bad as BM.
That poor kid is stuck with two POS parents.
I completely agree with you
I completely agree with you and believe me, I've made his life very difficult and had to stand behind him and nag his every move. Even worse, he lived with his mother before me and she refused to sort any of this out and let SO get away with that behaviour before I came along - even though she loves that kid more than life itself?! I don't think so. I'm not sure whether it's stupidity, ignorance, laziness or couldn't care less or all 4 rolled into one. He's had a lot of people who love him refuse to take proper care of him.
Ironically, SO is now teaching BM about certain things, like making sure she checks his pants and washes his hair in the bath. Lasted about 3 weeks from what I've seen. He won't keep it up with her and you're right, the fact that he knows does make him as neglectful as her.
If I hadn't come along, SO would never have known any different. He has actually thanked me many times for making him a better person and certainly a better father. He's so different with our DD. Nothing is too much trouble for her. I have to keep saying would you leave DD in that situation? No? So why are you letting your son cope with that situation.
Again agreed. Every time I
Again agreed. Every time I talk to him, all I get is that BM is improving. She doesn't party so much now.
That's total crap. She may not party as she works (although she's just changed her hours, no weekend work anymore) but she is obviously still neglecting him and leaving him there isn't the right thing to do - although he certainly wouldn't appreciate living here. He hates me and DD.
I think SO and I will end up living in different places, as one way or another, I don't want that boys messed up upbringing affecting my daughters life and if SS is around her 24/7, it almost certainly will. I just cannot allow that to happen. I agree that my partner needs to take a big chunk of blame here and start putting things right, I will certainly be contacting social services with all the evidence I have accrued.
It sounds like you're living
It sounds like you're living my life... Only the cold is 6 and both parents have not only neglected to teach him any life skills but I'm pretty sure he's on the autism spectrum. He doesn't soil himself. But he just admitted to killing two newborn kittens by squeezing to death and then throwing them. And also admitted to pinching my 2 month old, pulling her hair, forcefully closing her eyes, pulling her ears, squeezing her cheeks when she's sleeping or content as soon as I walk out of the room. His mother doesn't feed him like he should be eating eats once a day and only eats McDonald's or pizza. And then his father talks to him like he's 18 and understands every word spoken to him. He'll even repeat the words use them incorrectly and then tell you he knows what it means already. Refuses to ask for help. Anyways I just called a psychologist. Told his father if he doesn't get help for him immediatley I will be calling cps and having him removed from the home for endangering my two children. And then I'd leave knowing his son albiet forcefully is getting the help that he needs.
This is the strange thing,
This is the strange thing, he'll tell you he does and I have to give him credit in that he is working really hard to rectify his many mistakes. He's also grown distant from SS in a way because he's changed and SS hasn't and he can see many of the things he hates about BM in SS.
I don't know whether I could live with SO if he had full time custody. I'm not prepared to compromise my daughters welfare for that of his son. I simply won't do it.
I know I should feel sorry for SS, and in many ways I do, but he's really horrible to myself and DD at times. Lying, manipulating with no remorse.
Social services here have been told but without schools etc complaining as well, they won't do anything! BM is well known to them. I put the complaint in via my daughters health visitor. That's why I'm compiling photographs of his clothes. He needs help, but SO will have to move out if he got custody.
Are you the same person?! You
Are you the same person?! You are making my BM sound like an angel to be fair and she's far from it!
I've just told SO that I refuse to be part of this neglect anymore and it's all 'gotta tread carefully' blah blah blah. BM obviously has his balls firmly in her hands and I won't be with someone who is STILL under her thumb. We almost split up over his texting her, but this is beyond a joke. He seriously needs to get back with her and I'll just dump everything I have to social services and let them deal with the pair of them...
Why did you have a child with
Why did you have a child with him? He's an awful parent. You shouldn't have to force a parent to take care of or protect his child. Doing those things should be like breathing.
What happens when the two of you break up and your daughter has to go visit her dad? If the next woman doesn't force him to parent and happens to be a SM who refuses to play mommy, visits with him will be a free for all.
He might be a great boyfriend but he is not daddy material.
Just FYI, did you read the
Just FYI, did you read the post a while back where somebody said that when they first met Disney Dad, it actually looked like they were a great parent? Well that's exactly what happened with me. I didn't exactly spend loads of time with them, but when I did he certainly played wonderful father - but then it would have come across like that, wouldn't it? I'm not the first, only or last person to be duped.
He is completely different with our daughter, but then he wouldn't dare be anything but with me around would he?
It's not a perfect situation but I don't need to justify my daughters existence to anyone and I wouldn't be without her.
If we broke up, he will have limited access. Just a couple of hours round my place, supervised by myself. There is no way she is allowed to spend time with his son or mother without me. I may even move close to my family, which would mean too long a journey for him to see her often...
Visitation on your terms will
Visitation on your terms will go out the window as soon as he meets a new woman. No woman is going to sit back and allow BM to dictate when and where her SO can see his child.
You're kidding yourself if you think you can keep your daughter away from him. He could end up with 50/50. He may even end up as the CP if you try to move the child away.
In your opinion. The reality
In your opinion. The reality is that he has little or no say in the matter but you don't know all the back story, probably not how things work in the UK or my SO.
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the comments, but I will say this.
Great, Fine, your prerogative on collecting evidence (I am actually the one in our family who documents and collects stuff for our attorney. I am way better *and more educated* that everyone else lol so the attorney has asked that I keep track
)
ANYWAY. You can do that all you want, and even contact CPS, but unless DH is the one doing something with CPS they most likely won't act. Especially if you are in an underfunded state. I have called before on BM's other kids who were being abused, and nothing came of it. If DH calls, about HIS children, with proof, then they will be more likely to investigate. We have dealt with CPS probably 12 times over the years, and I have friends who work there. Get DH on board, he needs to be the one taking the initiative
That's pretty bad.... Of your
That's pretty bad....
Of your list, here is what SD13 has been like:
NEver having what she needs when she comes over, and often goes without her jacket despite cold temps. BM says that SD "doesnt want to wear one" so lets her go without.
Refusing to make SD come over if he doesn't feel like it.
BM neglected to take SD for months to have some painful plantar warts looked at.
BM lets SD stay in her room texting/tableting, etc. Texts her from the other room to communicate with her.
SD is antisocial just like her mother.
Not teaching him any manners.
SD showers, but not regularly, although i will say she's never smelled.
BM doesnt make SD brush her teeth before bed.
BM allows SD to watch R rated movies.
BM goes to bed and lets SD go to bed whenver she wants with whatever devices she wants.
SD is a lost cause in my opinion... there are more things other than this, i just addressed what we had in common,.
Thank you for that. Although
Thank you for that. Although awful for you, it's good to know I'm not alone in all this. I think SS is a lost cause too as he so intensely loves his mother that he will never believe she's neglectful and abusive.
At least SO is trying to do something now, even if it has taken me a heck of a long time and constant nagging. I'll keep at it and accruing evidence.
I think it happens a lot
Our BM was pretty bad. It's all stuff that's hard to prove though. In the end she actually was actively trying to dissaude him from going to her and in the end went to court to get a paper saying he shouldn't visit her anymore....whilst still claiming that WE were interfering with her parenting time and stopping him coming over. (DH had custody and SS was eowe at hers) It was all madness and I believe her to be a malignant narcissist. It was all about maintaining the image she wanted.
Looking at your situation, do you really want custody of your SS? I think you need to give this a lot of thought. You seem to want to do the best for the child and that's very good of you but can you live with him full time? (playing devil's advocate here) or could it be that you want to prove that BM is useless and it is to punish her for the uselessness? I ask this because I had to search my own soul about those type of feelings about the useless BM. It's got to be all about the child and you wanting to have him live with you to give him a better chance in life. Although, of course she will still get access to him I presume.
The clothes thing. Is there a CO in place? does it specifically say that she is to provide all clothes even those used when he is on visitation with his father? I ask this because we quite early on stopped sending skids to her with clothes for the stays. She didn't wash them, she sent them back damaged and even lost them. We suspected she was keeping them. The CO stated that she was supposed to provide for ALL their needs on their visits to her. DH had been too soft and not followed the CO and she took advantage of that. She was paying a pittance of CS to them and it certainly would not cover for the clothes she kept, damaged or lost. She never once bought clothes, shoes or a coat for them. We just put a stop to the gravy train. I think it might be a good idea for you to buy some clothes for him to wear at yours and send him back in her things.
I wish you success if you do decide to go ahead with gaining custody as it sounds like it would be better for him in the long run.