Ex wife constantly texts and calls my DH. His kids are adults. What does she need to talk to him for? He thinks this is OK.
I have been fighting with DH for a few years now about his ex wife. They have 2 adult children. She used to call him constantly until I found out how many times on the phone bill. After a fight with me, he said he would tell her not to call. Well now I found out how to access texts messages! I can't read them but can count how many times per month they text each other. Ready? Last month 45 times. Month before 63 times. Month before that 51 times. I can go on. What do they have to talk about? If it's about his kid's he can text or call them and he does...a lot. She texts him more than he text her, but he does text her first sometimes.
DH thinks I have some nerve to be upset about this! I feel that she is his ex and should have no contact with him unless it's an emergency about the children and in this case the so called "children" are 25 & 27! I ask him why?, and he tells me they have to speak about their Daughter's wedding which was in March. His Daughter is 27! Why does he need to speak to her mommy? The texts go back months before the wedding and after the wedding as well.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I'd have to agree. My
I'd have to agree. My parents divorced when I was 18, and I'd be willing to bet they haven't spoken two words to each other in more than 15 years. There's no need.
I hate to say it, but I think something fishy's going on. What does your DH say he talks to his ex about? What on earth could they possibly have to talk about?!
His ex wife paid nothing
His ex wife paid nothing towards the wedding. My DH paid a few thousand. The groom's parents paid for most of it and they took care of all the vendors. (Grooms father works in the wedding hall for years and knows all the vendors.)If they're texting about the wedding, I'd like to know why they are still doing so. The wedding was a month ago!
And I must add that at this wedding I was completely snubbed while he escorted her around all day, was introduced with her and even danced with her while I sat there like an idiot.
You are right.
You are right.
Oh HELL no! He even danced
Oh HELL no! He even danced with her? HELL NO!
I'd have gotten up and walked out RIGHT THEN AND THERE. That's SERIOUSLY messed up, OP!
Of course we had an argument
Of course we had an argument about the texts. I left off with, "You two deserve each other, you're 2 of a kind." My Mother-in-law passed away and DH has her co-op. I told him to go move in with his ex. Not speaking to him right now because I am too upset. I had surgery 3 weeks ago and am recovering. Just wait till I'm well!
And also up till a few years ago they weren't speaking at all unless they had to. The kids didn't want to see DH or even speak to him because ex turned them against him. Once she screwed up her current marriage, suddenly she was my DH best friend and has tried anything she can to break up our marriage. DH let's her do it. She can do no wrong in his eyes. He thinks whatever she does is OK.
OMG! Last month my ex called
OMG! Last month my ex called me to ask about our adult son's medical problem because he wanted to be sure he was getting the correct info from my son. When I hung up my DH asked who it was and when he heard my ex husband was on the phone he blew his stack!! I talk to my ex maybe twice a year and he lives in another state. He contacts our adult son as it should be and respects the fact that I have a husband. No threat to my DH at all.
A text is a text but 63 texts
A text is a text but 63 texts a month? You think this is normal? There are many, many other reasons I have to leave him other than the texts, however this post is just about the texts.
I don't know what the texts
I don't know what the texts are about because they only text when he is at work and DH erases them. If you have nothing to hide and it's only about the wedding, why erase them? And why are you still texting 45 times a month after the wedding? See what I mean?
covering up, erasing
covering up, erasing them...he's hiding. not good. and to blow his stack when you spoke (in the open) with your ex? I hope you recover soon so that you can rip him a new one. this is a hill to die on. it's emotional infidelity. it's the same if he were secretly texting any other woman that you weren't aware of (and one that he's had sex with). and no, they are NOT friends because she would then be a friend of yours. you have every right to insist it stop. and yes, i'd leave my dh over this. I don't share.
To each his own. I respect
To each his own. I respect your opinion HRNYC.
You'd be okay with your SO
You'd be okay with your SO texting an ex? Repeatedly? After the kids are grown and gone?
Just asking...
Try having THREE ex wives
Try having THREE ex wives calling to just say HI... wanted to kni w how your dooooiiiinnnngggg! !!!
It git so bad I wrote their numbers down on a piece of paper and put it away for a future "feel good moment"!
Called Verizon (phone server) and had them all BLOCKED!
it lasts 60 days, just so you know!!
Its childish (I know) but I certainly got a few chuckles out of it!
I don't think it's childish
I don't think it's childish at all. Probably made you feel better for awhile at least.
It did make me feel better!
It did make me feel better! And its a HUGE RED FLAG!!
DH cannot set boundaries!
that should have been my first warning?
I told my DH he has to set
I told my DH he has to set boundaries. I told him to tell her it is ok to call in the evening when he is home with me. When she calls & texts him it is ALWAYS when he is at work and she knows when his breaks are. Or it is when he is on the bus coming home or going to work. (The texts have times next to them which is how I know.) She never, ever contacts him when he is at home with me. Guess they have something they don't want me to see or hear.
He has nothing to say when I tell him this. Literally nothing. He knows I am right.
Yes he flipped out on me! I
Yes he flipped out on me! I couldn't believe it.
I have checked his phone before and never saw texts from her. Obviously I now know he erases them. One day he left his phone at home when he went to work and she text him that she had to give their son $20.00 and she told him he has to give it back to her because she has no money. (That requires a meeting between them by the way.)
She thinks my DH should give
She thinks my DH should give her money all the time. DH even gave her $1500.00 because she told him she had to give their daughter the wedding shower and she had no money. She had to? The maid of honor was giving it. Had no money? She's married to a man that has his own business, fancy car, boat, nice house and she goes on cruises and vacations. We live in an apartment and haven't been on vacation since 2005. She claims her DH won't give her any money.
They have to text about a
They have to text about a wedding that's already happened? Yeah, no. When SS31 was getting married, my DH didn't talk to or text his ex about it. Give me a break. So silly.
He does have another woman.
He does have another woman.
Get a old male friend and strike up a relationship and see how he feels. Tell him you'll quit when he does.
Ex sex is best. Just saying......
The exes calls all seemed to
The exes calls all seemed to happen during our honeymoon phase before marriage. Lived together for 8 years. I still had my own home I rented out. Yes.. we decide who calls, and all that. But understand, both our kuds were adults. I certainly shouldn't have done that, but in those days, our lack of communication was the problem. Had I just told him, it bothered me? Well.. I wouldn't have done something that immature!
learn as you go right?
"And I must add that at this
"And I must add that at this wedding I was completely snubbed while he escorted her around all day, was introduced with her and even danced with her while I sat there like an idiot."
Oh my gosh!!! This sounds so disrespectful to you and just plain wrong! This, coupled with all the texts, which he ERASES, are huge red flags for me. I think not only are you right to be upset about all the contact, I think you should be suspicious of what's really going on. My SSs are 18 and 20, and DH almost NEVER communicates with the ex in any form! On the rare occasion they need to communicate, it's by e-mail, and DH forwards it to me for comment, even though I've never even asked that he do that. (in the past 15 years, he has about two dozen e-mails, and most were about visitation when SSs stopped wanting to visit/had other plans.) He has received 2 texts from his ex, both in the past year or so, with pics of SS20's daughter (DH's granddaughter,) and we're not even sure they were really meant for DH. If I were you, I'd want to see what's in those texts and demand to know what he's hiding and why the contact is so frequent.
Your DH sounds like a gem!
Your DH sounds like a gem!
Another thing at the wedding I forgot to mention, is that he was super friendly with ex's family like they were still his family. For years they wanted nothing to do with him. His ex-mother-in-law was hugging him and kissing him. There was a photo booth and he even took pictures with ex's 2 sisters sitting on his lap! He put this picture on our desk at home and thinks this is perfectly ok. But if I took a picture sitting on my ex-brother-in-laws lap...oh boy...there would be war!
I think you should steel
I think you should steel yourself for a reconciliation with him and his ex-wife.
A preemptive strike might be better. See the best divorce attorney and take any prenuptial agreements along. You don't have to file right away but find out where you stand and if it would be a good idea to file now.
Perhaps you two agreed in advance how to divorce and the finances of such but if not you need attorneys advise all the more. Talk is cheap, well not with attorneys, but most give you a free initial consultation.
I am going for a divorce
I am going for a divorce consultation when I am well enough. Hopefully soon.
I am having this problem but
I am having this problem but his child is almost 8 and I won't even put up with that!
They're holding on, not letting go. I have told my SO quite specifically that I refuse to be in a three way relationship, so it stops or his ass is out the door. He's on rocky ground for many reasons anyway but that was the final straw.
With adult kids there in NO reason for his poor behaviour and I would tell him it stops or he'll find himself free to do as he pleases.
I agree with OC in a way. You find an ex to text and see how he likes it - get one of your girlfriends to pretend - change her name on your phone and get a bit flirty, giggle when you read the texts and then when you talk to him suddenly lose the smile. Silly games maybe, but he might get the message (no pun intended)!
Your DH and BM's 'children'
Your DH and BM's 'children' are older than me and I am a SM :jawdrop: I've got to be honest I completely agree with you that them even having contact (unless one of the kids is really ill) is unnecessary. Even IF one of the kids was getting married, he/she is perfectly aware that their parents aren't together and by the sounds if it haven't been together for a long time. I think its really disrespectful towards you and I completely understand your frustration.
I asked DH why he deletes her
I asked DH why he deletes her texts. He said he deletes ALL his texts because they use up the phone's battery if you don't delete them. I have checked his phone many times since I found out about all this texting with the ex. He had texts from other people there and undeleted. Only hers were deleted. He's a lying SOB. I never delete my texts and my battery is just fine. We have the same phones.
The next step would be to get
The next step would be to get ahold of his phone and see what the texts say.
I've been trying to see the
I've been trying to see the texts but they are erased by the time he gets home from work. She does not text him on the weekend. I googled ways to read erased text messages, but the only way to do so is with a court order, which in this case, is very hard to get.
There is very little
There is very little communication between my DH and BM. A few emails a week, then nothing for a few weeks.
SD is 14 and I got pissy about even those few. He showed me everything and it was about court documents etc.. and in a few of them he implied, that she is too stupid for life. (BM didn't get the innuendo)
There will be zero contact once it is legal to do so.
Had I been to a wedding and he walked around with her and danced with her??? I would have left, and the locks would have been changed by the time he got home....
What notasm said is why I
What notasm said is why I blocked the exes numbers for 60 days!!
First of all..
NONE OF THE EXES HAVE REMARRIED!
Secondly... The BM of the SD30 is the one that sent him a fathers day card with a love letter attached. This was the first wife! Theyve been divorced for 29 years! she's the passive BM from hell..
quietly created the evilness in the SD and son.
Thirdly, ex wife #2 tried desparetely in being my friend by opening her blouse in front of me and showing me her NEW TITS .
then telling me how she gets men by dressing up and sitting in bats at upscale golf country clubs, to attract and posess rich men! This BM created the SS 26 who I actually really like, but only has his hand out with no respect for his dad!
Finally...
EX wife #3.. thank god they produced no kids!
but.. berated me to shared friends, started rumours and was devious!
All of these woman ONLY started texting when we were dating and before we married!! All of them asked to be his friend on Facebook. So.. this is also what I did. I created his Facebook acct for business purposes only.
I saw their requests, and I clicked NO.
then I clicked the button that said " do you know this person".
NO....until it said "this person cannot request again, and will be permanently refused!
Block... Block... Block....
better that than saying " honey? This really bothers me?"
I think there is some sort of
I think there is some sort of device to get info on text but not sure if it depends on the carrier. Google that and see what you can find.
I have Verizon. I can only
I have Verizon. I can only see the numbers he text to or received texts from with the date and time of the texts. Can't read any though. Is there a way to see them?
I am the account manager as
I am the account manager as well, but I am unable to make a separate log in for my husband's number. How do you do it?
I will check this out.
I will check this out.
Hahahaha!! Probably going a
Hahahaha!!
Probably going a little too far?
But you can pay your phone bill online. Set it up and hopefully you know his password. If so, you can see all the numbers called ( to and from)
And numbers hes texted or from? You just cant read yhr texts? Only see yhe numbers..
The only thing I can't do is
The only thing I can't do is see the actual texts.
Break it down: 1) He texts up
Break it down:
1) He texts up 60 times/month with her
2) He danced with her at his daughter's wedding! WTF?? My mom and dad can't even
stand to be in the same room together!
3) He took pictures with his exSILs sitting on his lap!! Gross even without being
exes.
4) He erases texts before coming home from work. This is what is most suspect to me.
5) You haven't even mentioned the 'other' stuff going on.
Did I leave anything out?
So sorry you're going through this. I would say to get your ducks in order.
:jawdrop: He's just plain rude and ignorant.
Even worse these people only
Even worse these people only text WHILE he DH is act work. I believe OP said he doesn't text exwife on the weekends or when she is aroun.
Don't get me wrong. I have
Don't get me wrong. I have two ex husbands myself. Ex #1 is remarried. I am friends with him and his wife. I never interfere in their marriage. When our Daughter was young and I needed to speak with ex or he with me, it was done after work when spouses were home. Sometimes I spoke to his wife directly. Only spoke if it was important. Once our Daughter could speak for herself she did all the speaking. Same with Ex #2 and our Son. He never remarried though. I am aware that Ex's do need to communicate sometimes. Key word: sometimes.
This is the dude who danced with his Ex at the wedding. He also sat next to her in the church, escorted her in church and went in a limo with her to take pictures. He was introduced with her at the wedding and danced with her at the wedding.
There is only one thing I can't prove he did. Here's the story: My DH never, ever cleans our car. We have 2 dogs and if we drive someone somewhere I have to put a sheet on the seats. (Dog hair) When I ask him to clean the car, he yells at me and tells me to go do it or have one of my kids do it. (I don't drive) When we took his mom out for her 90th birthday, I begged him to clean the car. Nope. NOW,THE DAY OF HIS DAUGHTER"S WEDDING WE WERE NOT USING OUR CAR AT ALL. THAT DAY HE SUDDENLY DECIDES TO CLEAN THE CAR! IT WAS SPOTLESS AND FULL OF AIR FRESHENERS. HE PUT THE DOG GATE IN UPSIDE DOWN. HE WAS GONE A LONG TIME. I KNOW WHAT HE DID BUT CAN'T PROVE IT. HE PICKED UP HIS EX AT HER HOUSE AND DROVE HER AND HER YOUNGER SON TO THEIR DAUGHTER'S HOUSE SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WALK A FEW BLOCKS OR TAKE A CAB IN HER GOWN. (I had to take cabs to the church and the reception cause he was glued to Ex's side all day) He of course denies this and says he just felt like cleaning the car. And when I ask to go somewhere he says he doesn't want to lose his spot. Guess who paid all the car payments? ME
Oh and her younger Son is from her Husband. Her Husband is the guy she cheated on my DH with when they were married.
The more I put in writing the stupider I see I am for not leaving a long time ago.
I didn't know my lawyer could
I didn't know my lawyer could ask for transcripts of the texts to prove adultery. Thanks!
Anyname, I wish I could run
Anyname, I wish I could run around. I am recuperating from my 2nd surgery since February. I can't even get to a lawyer yet. I did mention a divorce during an argument the other night and he stopped arguing. He got real quiet and started treating me extra well. If I divorce him he knows he will have to pay me spousal maintenance. That will piss off his ex like nothing else I think.
Ah geez.. yet another twit
Ah geez.. yet another twit having an emotional affair wth the ex.
Listen to your gut - if it's telling you he's playin' you, then odds are, he is.
If my man deleted texts from his ex, he'd be deleting our relationship right along with it.
I can't stay with anyone to
I can't stay with anyone to recoup. I don't want to leave this apartment because I don't want him to have any excuse to say I left the marital home when we do go to court. He has been sleeping on the couch because there is no room in the bed. (Full size) I need to spread out and have to be careful of not getting hit in the stomach area too.
I have been looking up lawyers and have a few in mind. I want to go there for a full consult. Hopefully, I should be able to go in another 2 weeks.
I have heard you should
I have heard you should consult with all the best attorneys, because then he cannot hire them because of conflict of interest.
Once my biokids were old
Once my biokids were old enough to pick up the phone and call their BD, I was pretty much done with regular communication with him. Of course, he didn't care enough to bother asking about everyday things.... grades, doctors, etc. My DH speaks to BM more frequently because he wants to keep up with SS's activities. But if their communication continued pretty much at all once SS is an adult, I'd have a problem with it. They have no reason.
The contact (whether texts or
The contact (whether texts or calls) wouldn't bother me - and doesn't. DH and BM have 3 kids, the oldest 2 are adults and live in their own apartment, but DH and BM do talk sometimes about them.
I think in part because they DO live on their own and are not in BM's control any more! So she calls their Dad for stuff like, "You need to talk to Oldest Daughter about XYZ, she won't listen to me!" At any rate, it doesn't bother me.
BUT.
He NEVER tries to hide their conversation from me. He doesn't leave the room when she calls, in fact sometimes he'll put her on speaker if it's something he thinks he'll want my opinion on. He has never once "flipped out" on me for talking to ANYONE AT ALL. He wouldn't even consider dancing with BM at his daughter's wedding while I sat on the sidelines!! THAT is the stuff that's throwing up red flags - that you and he are not a team, that he's not open with you, that he's inconsiderate (or even oblivious) to your feelings. Also, YOU have a problem with their communication, whether any of us would have an issue with it is sort of irrelevant. It bothers you, and that should be all that your DH needs to hear for him not to do it anymore.
He knew it bothered me and
He knew it bothered me and has bothered me for sometime now. In the past, when I found all the phone calls they made to each other we argued and I made myself perfectly clear about this. He promised not to call her or take her calls. I believed it until I saw the 2 of them at my SD's wedding. I just knew something was going on. That's why I checked the phone bill. We now have Verizon and I found out that I was able to see how many times they text each other. I was floored! I couldn't access texts with our old phone service so I guess he thought I couldn't with Verizon. He thought he would get away with it.
When I confronted him about it his defense is that I am psycho and I need a phyciatrist. He says I have something wrong with my brain like my Mother and Sister. My Mother lived to 81 and was getting a little senile (very little and normal for an 81 yr. old) She died of a stroke. My Sister has a medical condition that has effected her brain. It's not a mental issue.
The only team he is on is his ex wife's and his team is about to lose the game.
What a wonderful chap he is!
What a wonderful chap he is!
He's gaslighting you by making you doubt yourself. It's a trick of the emotionally abusive with a guilty conscience.
Onwards and upwards from this douche canoe!