another happy daddy/daughter weekend....ugh
So fiance told SD13 she was going to sleep over this weekend and that he wasnt screwing around anymore and that she had to knock the crap off. THis was because he stupidly once again gave up his thursday visit when she begged and whined abotu wanting to be with her friends that night. she lied and manipulated saying "but ill be with you all weekend and i want to sleep over". i knew she never would.
so fiance goes to the PD for pick up at 8am. by 8:15 SD is a no show. he calls BM, and BM says she'll be there in 5 minutes as she had to leave work because SD was "refusing" to get in the car with her grandmother so she could be delivered for drop off.
tehy finally show up. she pulls the whole "im not going with you" crap. teh cops once again yell at her, get in her face, etc. SD ultimately comes home with fiance. he said she's being "punished big time" and that she is to stay in her room all day. btu of course she can have her phone, ipad, etc. the kid is in her PJs, hair uncombed, etc. a total embarrassment.
fiance ran out to get soemthign from teh car. i asked SD if she'd eaten. she said she wasnt hungry. i tehn said id make her a ham/egg/cheese breakfast sandwich. she said no thank you. so, i wash the sandwich maker. fiance comes back in and i tell him that i offered SD somethign to eat and seh refused, so i then tell him not to make him go out later and spend money on food. 5 minutes later she comes out and says she's hungry now. dumbass comes in and asks me how to use the sandwhich maker. i flipped on him and told him to give her cereal. she made a choice she can go without. then he gets mad at me for being "mean". he then tells her she can have cereal and she whines "i dont want cereal!" i tehn flipped the F out on SD. i said "i asked you twice if you wanted food/sandwich and you said no." i told her that i was sick of her wishy washy inability to make any sort of a decision and stick to it (of course, seh's never had to, her parents give in to all her demands. she then starts crying and says "dad, i hate her, get me out of this house". i tell her the feeling is mutual.
she finally eats (oh, yes, she got the damn sandwich!) then all of the sudden "staying in her room all day" is out the window. Zero punishment. i then left to go out for the day and mercifully didnt have to deal with her puss and his pansy ass attitude.
fiance made BM pick up SD at the house that evening at 530 which i was happy about. why should he go out when he's supposed to keep her all weekend? he then tells mee that SD is in trouble "big time" and that he talked to her mother and hte plan was to take away all of her electronics for a week. I knew they wouldnt actually do it.
Sure enough, SD arrives Sunday morning in tow with everything. come to find out, they both told her seh can have her phone for "emergencies" and that she's only allowed to call or text mom. Do these idiots REALLY BELIEVE that a kid is not going to text as usual?? And what "emergency"? The kid is with her father!!! And tehy tell her she can have the ipad so she can watch movies only (but again, no games, texting, etc.). REALLY????
So in a nutshell, this girl caused yet another police scene, caused her mother to leave work (BM again told my fiance that this crap with SD has got to stop because she is very, very close to being fired) and she receives zero.punishment. Nothing.
She then had a lacrosse game on sunday and she couldnt tell me what team she was playing, nor did she know what time she had to be at the field. She also came with no hair twister, no brush, and no socks. I cannot get over how irresponsible this kid is and how stupid her parents are.
I also now highly suspect that BM is playing a big time game with fiance. lately she has been yelling at SD in front of my fiance at these police encounters and acting like she's all tough and mad at her. but then i saw a text that came in on SD's ipad that was from "Mommy" (yes, she calls her mom "mommy") and it said "it wont do any good, its court ordered" which leads me to think that she's trying to appear publicly like she's cracking down on SD but all the while telling her "oh, i know you hate it there, and dont want to go, im so sorry i have to send you..."
i love my fiance, but my God he is such a bad father. it also amazes me that he is such a smart man with every other facet of his life but when it comes to BM and SD he is the biggest moron, continually believing their lies and BS.
at any rate, SD has me so pissed that i dont see myself coming out of disengagent any time soon, if ever. i clearly cant control my temper around her becuase she sets me off and i know part of my anger at her is really anger at my fiance for being so f-ing stupid and clueless. there are going to be major problems with this child. and everyone sees it but BM and fiance.
Orange County - i did tell fiance your idea about just seeing SD for dinner on sunday nights. he didnt go for it. 
SD was fine in the
SD was fine in the beginning... i have now come to figure out that the beginnign was the typical "honeymoon" period often experienced when stepchildren first meet new partners. SD got progressively worse as her parents went into the custody battle in large part, i think, because both of her parents invovled her too much in it.
SD is around very little compared to what many on here deal with. this sounds terrible, but i think eventually she will die from drugs and/or get arrested. when the boyfriend dumps her she may even get suicidal, who knows (althoguh i personally think she is too chickenshit to ever kill hersel). i know that her mother will be more than content to have SD live with her forever so i dont see us having an adult child living with us. makes sense, her mother is 42 and has lived with her parents all her life (including hte 20 years she was married to my fiance!!).
the past 6 months ive been seriously considering waiting to get married until SD is 18. we are too old for kids and i dont really want them, so there's really no point in rushing to get married anyway other than to stick it to BM financially (she'd lose her health insurance).
I know it can be hard to know
I know it can be hard to know where to draw the line, but honestly you are not disengaged.
Being disengaged in this scenario would look like this: DH collects SD, you don't get involved in what happened at the pick up and don't allow yourself to be a vent for FH. You don't worry about whether he was stupid to give up his Thursday night, just be glad of the time with FH. You say Hi and offer her something to eat, she says no and you accept that first time and go about your business. If FH chooses to make her something later you leave him to it. You don't criticise, you definitely don't tell her you hate her, and you don't waste your mental energy speculating what is really going on, or second guessing the outcome of their inconsistent punishments. Currently you are engaged - you CARE about the way she is behaving and the way FH is handling it.
If you really want to be in this relationship you need to learn how to care less, remove yourself if you feel yourself getting annoyed, and focus on yourself when FH is with his daughter. That's hard - because it means training yourself to respond in a way that may feel unnatural, and segregating your life from his relationship with his daughter. If you can't you will be miserable if you marry this man. And even if you can disengage you may find the strain of living that way difficult to handle.
ok, i get what you are
ok, i get what you are saying. but here's my question. how do i disengage fully when fiance involves me? for example, when he was gone 45 minutes i knew somethign was up. he also left in a really bad mood so know SD had already started with him about coming over. so he does eventually text me to say "not good, BM leaving work, cops dealing with it, etc." i want to support him and be there for him. it feels mean or not right to not be there for him. but of course being there for him means i get involved at least indirectly. same with the stupid sandwich. i was in the other room doing laundry and he doesnt know how to use the new machine so he involved me by asking me to show him/help him. If i tell him to not talk to me about her he will either get pissy or let it go and then bring the topic up later. he has no one else to talk to. his friends kids dont behave this way nor does his niece. while all of his family thinks SD is out of control, he still tries to make her out to be a "good kid" around them.
i have not cooked a meal for SD in about 4 weeks. ive hardly spoken to her.
what im trying to figure out is how SD isnt getting embarrassed at school wtih her antics. She has several classmates whose fathers are on the local PD. i find it hard to believe that some of these dads havent said to their kids "hey, do you know SD?" and then briefly filled them in on what she's done. right now, she thinks she's embarrassing her parents but i am hoping one day it comes back on her, when kids start making fun of her for being such a baby.
I know it's difficult, but if
I know it's difficult, but if you let FH vent to you regularly and in depth he is drawing you into a toxic situation and letting it taint your relationship. So any advantage to him of having somebody to confide in, is completely counteracted by it causing stress between the two of you, and between you and SD. And like many divorced Dad's I imagine he doesn't actually take your constructive comments very well. It is futile to counsel somebody who won't take the advice, and just wants to have a moan. That's not fair to you. By giving you to much information about SD's behaviour he is making it inevitable that you dislike her and find it difficult to spend time with her - he's not going to like that outcome either. So he needs to think about what he really wants here - a happy relationship which is an escape from problems with his ex and child, or a strained relationship where a lot of your time together is taken up with rehashing those problems, and you are the fall guy for problems that you had nothing to do with creating.
If the situation is so stressful that he needs somewhere to vent then it would be far better if he talked to a friend, regardless of whether their kids act that way or not, or sees a counsellor who might help him deal with his feelings and come up with some strategies for dealing with SD. I'm not saying he can never say a word to you about it, but it should be limited to 'sorry we're late, it was a difficult handover' you give him a comforting hug and move on. If he does start to go on about it don't be drawn into giving advice or egging him on 'she didn't?! and what did you say?! and then what happened?!'. Try to distract him with something else 'I know it's hard. What would you like to do this evening to take your mind off it?' 'Can I get you a drink'.
ive begged him to go to a
ive begged him to go to a counselor. he doesnt want to and doesnt think he needs one (and until he realizes he needs one, he'll never go).
he genuinely thinks she's going to grow out of it. its sad that he doesnt see that it will get so, so, so much worse.
Right well if he doesn't need
Right well if he doesn't need to talk about his issues, then he doesn't need to talk to you about them. So he won't mind if you ask him not to, and will have no right to 'get pissy' or keep trying to bring things back up later.
If you continue to let him lean on you he will never realise that he needs help. You need to quietly and consistently shut him down every time he tries to trawl over his daughter and his ex. I'd be very wary of making any further committment to this man if I were you, because if it gets worse for him, and you're his only confidante, if will get a lot worse for you.
Red flags:
Naïve and in denial about the problems
Won't seek support and think he doesn't need any
Inconsistent wishy washy handling of challenging teen
And don't think 18 is the magic number - there are plenty of stepparents on here with adult stepchildren still causing immense friction and stress in their relationships.
embarrassed? no. not
embarrassed? no. not embarrassed. they thrive on the drama. Support him but no more offering to cook, etc. Just sit back and watch the cluster&% happen. Yeah. I would have been happy with the skid-free Thursday gift.
Happy Monday C1977, ::I also
Happy Monday C1977,
::I also now highly suspect that BM is playing a big time game with fiance. lately she has been yelling at SD in front of my fiance at these police encounters and acting like she's all tough and mad at her. but then i saw a text that came in on SD's ipad that was from "Mommy" (yes, she calls her mom "mommy") and it said "it wont do any good, its court ordered" which leads me to think that she's trying to appear publicly like she's cracking down on SD but all the while telling her "oh, i know you hate it there, and dont want to go, im so sorry i have to send you..."::
That is exactly what is happening. Then you and fiance come off as the bad guys. I've been there. DH's custody situation never involved police coming in relation to SD, but there has been screaming and yelling etc. BM doesn't drive, so DH schleps SD around like a friggin' taxi.
I've gone from involved, to semi involved, to completely disconnected to now, which is disengaged but still experiencing anxiety because DH cannot comprehend that I don't love this skid the way he does. I hold a grudge because of past behaviour, I hold a grudge because I am forced to spend time with the spawn of another woman, and this other woman is batshit. It is what it is.
Here is a skid day,
DH picks her up around noon, we go to inlaws to spend some time, hang out. I take my own car. I very rarely go to pick up- I've been once in 2yrs
We go home late afternoon, sd goes to her room and we barely see her until the next am. (if she sleeps over) She will play on her tablet and text and face time friends until 3-4am. I don't care. Looking at inappropriate content on her tablet? Don't care.
In the am, if she has spent the night, DH does it all. I no longer cook or even pour juice/milk. I don't even pick up groceries that are skid specific anymore. I'm friendly, if she chooses to have a conversation, I will talk and be myself.
Then DH will eventually take her home and i have my house to myself again. He doesn't understand that when she is here, I feel like there is a stranger in the house, like an uninvited guest.
But get this- it used to be very sporadic. Now this shit is happening almost every weekend- she may only be around for a few hours on a saturday, or friday evening or the sunday, but EVERY weekend lately. (I shut up- DH gets to see his skid and I have been able to be scarce)but now my anxiety builds every friday.
I wouldn't do, or even offer
I wouldn't do, or even offer to do, a single damn thing for that kid. She's not going to be happy with anything you do, so I wouldn't even bother. Nothing beyond a "Hello" when she arrives and a "Good bye" when she leaves. Don't let her suck you into her misery.
And if she's like my skids, nothing you do will be good enough anyway, so it's not worth wasting your time on. I disengaged because my skids are like a black hole. Everything I threw in was never enough, so screw 'em. Let DH deal with their hissy fits. I'm out!
So why is he still your
So why is he still your fiance?