Disengaging is not about HER, it's about you... You cannot change her, but you change how you respond to her. That's the hardest part of making this work. If you are still angry, still feeling anything negative towards her while "disengaged" you are not disengaged.

It's also not a "switch" you just turn on and have success - it takes time because you have to see the situation differently. YOU have to look at it differently and make changes for you. (This applies to biological children as well!)

It's important for your peace of mind that you don't do anything for the child that you don't WANT to do - so if we're talking about a 15 year old girl, that can be plenty. She can do virtually anything for herself. How the heck do you accomplish this? Try this: make a list of everything that you find absolutely infuriates you about her. Then beside that list, write down what the emotion is, how it makes you feel. Then beside THAT write down the "unemotional action" involved in that thing that irritates you.

For example, you say: "she sits on the couch 24/7 on her smart phone"
The emotions might be: "lazy ass! Get out of my space! I hate I'm never alone!" etc.
The unemotional action: Choose what makes YOU feel better. For me, that is my rule that no kids are in my living room on smart phones. It is a smartphone free zone. If they want to watch tv with me/chat/be a part of the family they can stay, otherwise go to your room. (No emotion here at all, it's just a fact.)

You can do this over and over for everything. And if you allow her to speak poorly to you (the cat dragged in comment) she'll keep doing it - so you can respond with "SD, if you wish to remain in my presence, you will have to speak respectfully to me. If you cannot do this, you can go to your room." (See how there is just an unemotional action in that direction? And the choice is hers?) And if she chooses to stay in her room all the time, let her.

Please just remember, disengaging doesn't mean that you ignore the child (as in pretend they're not even in the room - that's just a bandaid solution) but you do learn how to ignore the behaviours SO YOU DON'T GET SUCKED IN. Your response to her becomes matter of fact, and standardized based on what you need in your home to feel good. Do only what makes you feel good. And then politely but firmly decline the things that do not. If you love to cook dinner for your family then do it. If you hate to cook for your SD, stop. But tell her you don't enjoy it, so you will let her make her own dinner from now on. (If you rant about how ungrateful she is and that's why you won't lift a finger for her, it only becomes worse. It's so much more effective if you just say, I do not enjoy doing (_____) for SD, so I will now let her do it for herself.)

In my opinion, people tend to struggle with disengaging if their focus is on punishing their husband or the skids, instead of focusing on doing things that give them pleasure (or at least don't make them want to smash their heads into a wall lol). It is a long process but it can be done effectively and you can enjoy your home again. It'll help if your husband can work with you too.

I'll put a link below to a explanation of disengagement but remember you don't have to fully implement it. Change it around to suit your needs.

You ignore the kid and what she is doing unless she's lighting a fire in the living room. You can report to Daddy in private if its that important such as leaving the house against Daddy's orders but you don't stop her. Other minor things such as not doing chores you just leave until Daddy get sick and tired of looking at the mess or runs out of underwear.

You cook for yourself and husband only. She can eat cereal for all you care. You don't remind her of homework or outside appointments such as the hairdresser which Daddy has to take her too so it better be scheduled when he's home. You don't do her laundry. You don't take her anywhere. If her arm is hanging by a tendon you call 911 and stop the bleeding until they get there. You never look in her room except to close the door which you don't slam.

You don't talk to her unless she speaks to you in a reasonably polite manner and that doesn't mean be picky about it. If she's not sassy you respond with the necessary information with a polite and upbeat tone. You're not angry and not getting revenge - just not wasting time. If she wants permission you tell her she has to ask Daddy. If he's not available then there is nothing else you can say.

This behavior may shock her and she might even reach out to you. You see you've removed a lot of a teenagers power by not giving a damn what they do or don't do. Passive resistance is all they have and without it they're dead in the water. If they do ask for help then give it. You're not a ogre just tired of her attitude. By responding when they reach out you're showing you care and willing to help but only under your conditions. Don't be afraid of going too far, goofing up, you can always revert back if you've been too friendly or too mean. Do the best you can and deal with each circumstance as it comes up.

Listen stop worrying about how the kid acts. A billion kids are growing up right now without your help and most of them will end up just fine. This one probably will also. In any event you can't change anything anyway so stop trying.

Click on this link: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html