DH actually asked for and TOOK my advise!
DH informs me last night that the boyfriend wants to take SD15 to the junior/senior prom, and asked what my thoughts were on it. I, of course, told him I thought it would be a lousy idea to let her go. He asked me why, and this started a whole long discussion, that I think (at least hope) opened his eyes!
I told him she couldn't be trusted. He tried to give me the "well, if you don't give her the opportunities to see if she will mess up, you will never know if she could be trusted!" This is when the conversation started getting into the meat of it all! I told him flat out, she is still not following the rules when it comes to the small things...looked at the phone bill just today, she is still texting all through school when she has been told not to, she has not been getting off the phone to go to sleep at 10 p.m. as she has been told to do...but phone records indicate that she has been up until midnight talking on the phone with the boyfriend, which explains why she is supposedly "tired" enough to have attitude every day and doesn't want to get up in the morning for school. I also pointed out that just yesterday morning when she was woken up for school, the tablet was in bed with her, which it has been told to her to not do. I told him, "All this may seem small, and not such a big deal, but if she blatantly disobeys these small rules, what makes you think she will obey the bigger rules?" I also pointed out that she has not gone more than 2 months without getting into some kind of big trouble (i.e., drinking, smoking, etc.)...to earn trust, she has to go quite a while without doing these things.
DH called SD15 in and asked her when she got off the phone last night...she lied. He asked her about texting in school...she lied again. He called her on both of these things, and then told her she would not be allowed to go to the prom this year...explaining that she doesn't follow the small rules, and that is the only basis he has to go on to know whether or not she can be trusted with bigger rules...which now he doesn't believe she can be. He told her that she would have to start following the small rules religiously, and not get into any big trouble, and if her and the boyfriend are still dating come next prom, MAYBE he will let her go! I was so proud of him!
In the discussion with DH, I also brought up to him that I think he is too easy on her...that her "punishments" really are not punishments. He claimed it was because he was too much of a "mercy giver". I told him flat out that doesn't fly with teenagers. I explained that I understood he was one of those kids that didn't get into too much trouble, but I got into my fair share...not as much as SD15, but that is because I quickly learned with my parents where the limits were. I told him...thinking like a teen...if the punishment isn't too harsh, you think, "Oh, that wasn't so bad!" and it doesn't really detour you from repeating that or a similar behavior. If the punishment is more harsh, something that really hurts you (not physically...but you know what I mean...like I died if the phone was taken away, and my mom would answer and tell all of my friends I was grounded), then you give trouble a second thought..."Yeah...that sounds like fun, but is it really worth _______________?" I told him that all SD15 has ever gotten from him was "Oh, that wasn't so bad!" so she keeps pushing the envelope to see at what point all hell comes down on her, and it never has!
He seemed to be very receptive to our talk, an the denying her the prom is a good start. We will see where this goes.
yay for progress!!!!!!!!
yay for progress!!!!!!!!
The tide may be shifting now
The tide may be shifting now that these dad's have been left to deal with their princesses alone! I think SD15's worsening attitude is wearing on DH...wearing on his patience with her. He even told her straight up last night that I thought he has been too easy on her punishments, and he is now inclined to agree because she keeps lying, breaking rules, and has flat out been treating him crappy! She didn't seem to happy about that. She is probably pissed at me thinking that I'm turning dear sweet daddy against her, but I truly don't care how she feels! She has been getting away with way too much for way too long, and I'm not spending the next 3 years living with a spoiled rotten princess! If she finds a way to run back to BM's, so be it!
I'm pretty sure this past weekend took the cake...I mean the way she was going on and on about that $100! DH always wanted to believe that SD15 wasn't entitled and materialistic, but the whole issue of the $100 I think has opened his eyes. He appeared to be very annoyed with her, and at one point, right there in a store, yelled at her to drop it. So she went from that to the whole color guard captain thing, talking crap about the other girls that were trying out, saying that she is a sure in for captain, etc. Again, DH flat out told her to shut up. She just looked at him with this surprised look, "Whaaaaat?" I just turned my back to the both of them and secretly grinned!
Sigh… and there is MY DH.
Sigh… and there is MY DH. SS14 didn't make it onto the bus AGAIN. Not even close. DH drove him to school 20 minutes late. I don't think there was any effort on SS's part to even try to make the bus. But I heard no yelling by DH. I just don't get it.
I was really tired last night as I had to get up at 4:45 am yesterday, drive an hour, worked 9 hours, drive an hour home. So I went up to bed at 10:00. I passed SS14 on his way downstairs, iPhone in hand of course. I am sure he was up super late as usual.
I TOLD DH already that when he is out of town next two school weeks that I WILL NOT DRIVE SS TO SCHOOL IF HE MISSES THE BUS. DH didn't even really acknowledge me saying this to him. I said SS will just miss school if this happens. And DH's kids NEVER miss school. They are both good students and like school. If SS misses the bus I will clear his room of all power cords and will take his phone too. He will have no fun sitting here all all day. Kids aren't allowed to walk to school in this area. Stupid. Its probably about 3 miles from here and I'm sure SS wouldn't try it anyway.
But DH has been avoiding me all morning. I'm sure he's afraid I'm going to yell or lecture him over the missed bus. But I don't say anything over his shit parenting now. He has been warned to tell his kids my rules. If he doesn't do it and they screw up, its on him.
Oh...SD15 has had a few close
Oh...SD15 has had a few close calls with the bus, but luckily, DH leaves for work about 10 minutes after she is already supposed to be on the bus, so if she misses it, it's on him. I've already made it 110% clear that I will NOT drive her to school if she misses the bus, and I will NOT expect BS19 to take her when he leaves for school. He likes to stop and get food and stuff in the morning, and knowing SD15, she would try to make him buy her something, and he doesn't need that crap. He earns his money...he works hard! Shoot...the poor kid has to put in 40 hours this week, and that is on top of school! 5 to close Tues-Friday, and then he has to work this weekend. Lucky for him, the last class period of the day is his off period, so he can come home, take care of any homework, and grab a bite to eat before going to work.
Yes it would, and DH has made
Yes it would, and DH has made it clear that will happen if this behavior continues. He told her flat out..."You CAN'T hide it!" He let her know we check the usage online, and he had told her that he will start checking himself. Of course, we will see if that happens. She looked a little shocked that anyone was actually looking. We will also see if the behavior changes now that she knows her usage is being watched. It will be a clear signal of how well she respects the rules. Yeah, she said last night she would start following the rules, but there aren't enough fingers and toes in this house to count the number of times she says that, and then turns around and does what she wants anyway.
Oh, she can forget about this
Oh, she can forget about this prom...he made that clear. He said she has to keep her nose clean until prom next year to get to go...and even that is a maybe, depending on who she is dating at the time! LOL! That is quite a long time to keep up an act! Prom this year is in a couple of weeks.
She doesn't have enough time to change daddy's mind.
Personally, I don't think she can make it very long. It will be interesting to see if she can actually turn over a new leaf or not, but I'm placing bets that at some point this summer, she will do something incredibly stupid again! Especially since it sounds as if she has patched things up with her mom...at least according to DH...BM and a friend are picking up SD15 from school on Friday to go to her uncle's wedding, which she supposedly wasn't going to according to what she was saying this past weekend, "Yeah, mom said 'Thanks for saving me the money to get your hair done and the money we will get back returning your dress!'" I guess that has changed, but BM is just as bad as SD15...I mean, the girl does get it from somewhere!
Oh, one can only hope!
Oh, one can only hope!
Went out to make me some
Went out to make me some dinner (because I am NOT missing my gym night this week...haven't been in at least 6 weeks due to work, not having a vehicle, etc.). SD15 is pouting and stomping around...more than likely because the princess isn't being allowed to go to the ball! I did notice that there were hardly any texts during the school day today. Not sure if that is because she is really trying to follow the rules, or she simply knows she got caught because someone is checking. I vote the latter.
I ran the dishwasher this afternoon, and have a note on it that the dishes are clean. Let's see if she pays any attention. It will be interesting to see if the dishes are unloaded before I get back from the gym tonight, as neither SD15 nor DH really do the job unless they are specifically told to do it. SD15 is rummaging around the kitchen right now, and will have a plate to put in there...if she takes the initiative to actually empty the dishwasher, I think I will have a heart attack!
The dishwasher was actually
The dishwasher was actually emptied when I got home, though I have this really sneaky suspicion that DH was the one who did it, because my dinner dish was also rinsed and put in it, and the sign clean/dirty sign was flipped around correctly. SD15's plate is still in the TV room. But interestingly enough, so is a note she wrote to her boyfriend! Sorry, it is in my TV room, so it is fair game to read!
Anyway, the note goes on and on about how the boy is her soul mate and she is NOW thinking about her future, a future that is married to him with 2 kids living 5 minutes away from HIS parents! First thought through my head? Yup, we don't need to worry about college for that one! All this bugging for a dance class because "dance is her life"...yup, it is so much her life that she just tosses it out the window when some guy comes around! The girl is so much like her mother, it isn't even funny. That has always been BM's outlook on life...just let some man and family take care of you...don't aspire to do anything for yourself. Don't get me wrong...I have nothing wrong with women you decide to stay at home with their family and take care of their kids. I just taught BD23 to shoot for more...to find something that SHE wants to do and strive to be independent, because, truth is, none of us would even be here if it all worked out like in the story books and movies! There is no guarantee that if you find a guy, even if you get married, that it is going to be forever, and you need to have the ability to land on your feet! BM has always depended on other people, and I quickly see SD15 going down that same road...having no dreams for herself, thinking that others will just take care of her the rest of her life! In a way, it is sad! I am so glad my bio-kids are strong, independent people! Yes, BS19 has a girl he is totally smitten with...they have been dating a year...but he isn't giving up his dream, his education to rush into a marriage with her! They have already had this serious talk, and if it truly is meant to be, when college is done, she will still be there, but they will both be in a much better position for a marriage...abilities to get good jobs, have a life before having kids, etc. And NEITHER of them are thinking the "live 5 minutes from parents" because they know they don't need that, because they will have a solid foundation.
UGH...kids these days! Seems that so few actually are trying to be their own people, and so many spend their teen years figuring out who will continue to support them after graduation!
I just found the letter this
I just found the letter this morning when I walked through there to the wash room where the cats hang out to check on their stuff (my usual morning routine). SD15 is going straight to BM's today...BM's friend is picking her up from school, so the note will still be there later. Supposedly, the boyfriend is also going to the wedding with SD15 this evening...his parents are picking him up after, and she is staying the night with BM, and DH will pick her up after the monthly men's meeting at church tomorrow morning. I plan on showing it to him this evening.
BM has lived with her parents
BM has lived with her parents for 40 or her 41 years on this earth. her and my fiance had an apartment for the first year they were married and then they moved in with her parents because her parents were in foreclosure and needed the financial help. she sees absolutley nothing wrong with living with your parents for eternity, and im quite certain SD will live at home with BM for eternity as well, and probably drag some poor sap into that house too.
BM cannot think for herself or take care of herself. she actually said to my fiance once that when she puts her card into the ATM she has no idea how money gets in there or how much is in there, she just punches the $$ amt she wants and hopes it comes out (and of course it always did, thanks to my fiance!).
I SOOOOOOO know what you are
I SOOOOOOO know what you are talking about! When DH and BM were married, they lived with her parents...SHE INSISTED on it...and as many times as DH wanted to get a place of their own, she wouldn't hear of it. After she kicked DH out because she "didn't feel like being married any more", she moved in the guy who she is currently married to. BM's parents eventually divorced, and both remarried. Her mom's new husband didn't like that BM's boyfriend was living there and they weren't married, and asked him to move out. BM got mad and left with him with SD15 in tow...didn't speak to her own mom for like a year because of it. They lived with her brother for awhile, until her current husband finally insisted that they get their own place, and they have lived in their own place since. DH says she worked for a veterinarian when they married, but she quit that job when SD15 was born, and she never went back to work after that...even when SD15 started school. Woman does not like to leave the house...she may leave like once a month. Otherwise, she lays in her bed or sits in front of the TV, getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Before she got pregnant with her son, she was my size (I'm a size 2). She now lives in sweats and pjs because she says it is to difficult to find clothing she likes in her current size! The woman doesn't have a bank account, doesn't have a driver's license...if her husband left her tomorrow, she would be right back at her mother's house unable to take care of herself!
i just cant relate. my mom
i just cant relate.
my mom lost her dad at 17 and had to basically run the household because my nana fell apart. she and my dad made darn sure my sister and i would grow up with the ability to be independent and take care of ourselves.
fiance and i are convinced that BM will have a nervous breakdown when one of her parents dies, particularly if its her mother. she asks her mother's opinion on EVERYTHING - even when they were married, she deferred to her mom over her husband!
FUnny, i ran into BM's mother at the grocery store last week - her cart was full of stuff i know SD eats. Clearly mom does the shopping for her 41 year old kid!
The other sad thing? BM works one day per week. Her parents are in their 70's and both work FT because they cant afford to retire. How pathetic! Help your parents out already! She also never shovels, mows lawn or anything.
BM in our case doesn't even
BM in our case doesn't even take care of her own kid! They have an old friend of hers living with then who takes care of their 4-year-old son while BM's husband is at work, and does the house work! I mean, seriously? The guy went off to serve his country only to come back and be a nanny and maid! I know, I can't feel sorry for him because he is choosing this life for himself...but dude, have some self respect and tell this woman to be a wife and mother and do the crap herself!
When putting my dishes in the dishwasher after eating lunch (as I rinsed and used my same bowl from breakfast), I could tell by the way the dishes that were in there that DH was obviously the one who emptied the dishwasher and loaded it last night! Ugh...SD15 was TOLD to unload it before I left the house...oh, but she was too busy on the phone with her boyfriend.