Business Trip - advice please!
So we're still new to this whole situation - about 7 months into the living arrangement. SD-10 lives with us full time. She has some definite behavioral issues. He is slowly working at becoming less permissive and expecting her to behave in ways a normal 10 year old would. As you can imagine, it's sometimes tense. Some days are better than others...we're still feeling out roles and I'm working on finding ways of providing input without coming across as "your kid is a brat". At the same time...it is hard to not get frustrated when there's yet another instance of "I can't dish up my own food without daddy to help" or "well no one reminded me to brush my teeth so it's your fault I didn't" attitude and behavior.
ANYHOW. That's the brief overview. SO wants to go on a week-long business trip. Which means just me and SD alone for a week. I'm not comfortable with that for a number of reasons: I don't think I have the patience or same belief system to spend a week with a kid who won't go to school on time, won't do her homework, won't pick up a dish, won't always flush the toilet, etc. without constant supervision and reminders. I get that undoing the behaviors and attitudes is a lengthy process and I'm glad SO is seeing the need for it and willing to (usually) put in the work and effort. And I'm happy to be support. But I don't really think I'm in the role yet where I can step in for a week. The last time it was she and I alone for a couple days she snuck out and lied and then pitched a screaming tantrum during which I had to physically restrain her because I was afraid she'd hurt herself.
That was a while back. But I still haven't quite recovered.
So. He has a conference he wants to go to in May which I think he will understand why I think that's way too soon and not a good idea. But he also has one in October. She'll be with her BM mid June-July so I worry all our efforts will take some giant steps back. Add in new middle schooler this upcoming school year...and I have serious doubts whether or not the October trip is even better of an idea.
Any ideas/advice on how to explain to SO in a way that doesn't come across hurtful why I think he should make other arrangements if he wants to be gone for a week?
Sorry I don't know the whole
Sorry I don't know the whole custody arrangement that you have. Is BM in the picture for more than just a summer visit?
BM is two states away. Yeah,
BM is two states away. Yeah, if she were closer I'd suggest that...but because it's in the midst of the school year and would require the additional travel time...I don't know how viable that option is. BM isn't terrible. She's just a little disinterested and takes no real initiative towards her daughter. He has full custody (and has always had - with no fight). BM gets her for the summer visit and every other winter holiday.
As much as I am all on board
As much as I am all on board for the "Don't do it- make him deal with it" train of thought (and believe me, in my version of Hell.. I mean home... that is what it has come to), I am not sure you can. This is a matter of supporting your husband in his career. It is going to be a really crappy week for you but I think you might have to suck this one up. That is unless there is a grandma near by you can get to take her!!
I think I'm mostly worried
I think I'm mostly worried that it will result in a setback in our tentative moving forward that we're working on. We have cousins nearby...I'm thinking of proposing at least a day or two with them.
The other thing about the conference - it's a conference that is held multiple times a year (there's the one in May and it's the same one in October...they'll have it again next year a couple times). It's not like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.
Maybe things will be different by October...but right now I feel the roles and clarity and expectations need a little more stability. Not saying everything has to be perfect first...just that I don't want to damage what we've worked so hard for.
Thanks. She definitely has
Thanks.
She definitely has her red flags. He is actually aware of a lot of them and taking steps. Therapy has helped. (I still think she needs a ton...but I'm trying to be positive). I maintain the "cautious as serpents but innocent as doves" approach. I make sure to say and do things above reproach and but make sure I'm not in a position to be taken advantage of. Still contemplating the best approach.
You sound very reasonable and
You sound very reasonable and it sounds like your DH is taking steps in the right direction. I wonder if it would almost benefit your SD in a way to have some time away from daddy supervising everything and give her a little responsibility of herself.
I don't know if this will work, just a suggestion that helped my SD in so many ways, she was about 9 at the time and even though we thought she was too old for it, we implemented a sticker chart, in order to get stickers she had to do various things- brush teeth, shower, put dirty clothes in hamper etc. to earn a sticker. Clean up her room to earn one, clean up her place at the table, bring home all of her homework and complete without reminders, etc. Once she had a certain amount she could earn ice cream or a similar treat or free swim at the rec center or whatever. Putting her in charge and making it rewarding worked really well. We were constantly trying to teach her some independence and responsibility.
That's a good point. We've
That's a good point.
We've tried the reward/sticker chart idea in the past. In her case I lean more towards a "here is a set amount of points at the beginning of the week, for each item not completed, points are removed". Just because the sticker/reward idea seems to result in both them forgetting and then at the end of the week her negotiating/convincing that "oh but I should get the points because I meant to do that...". And I (type A person that I am) was sitting there nightly trying to make sure "reminders" didn't come across as "nagging". But maybe it's time to try again.
At the least it's definitely time for a rehash of "expected" behaviors for the house.
We tried so many discipline
We tried so many discipline avenues, some harsh, some more along the lines of teaching etc. I think one of the reasons this worked is because we didn't "take away" anything that was already earned, we just didn't give one that day for said thing and said "well, if you bring home all of your homework tomorrow along with xyz you might be able to have enough to go swimming Friday"
SD was so babied by her BM and just didn't want to do anything and complained when told to do anything, but when we put it in her hands with a reward in site all of the sudden she was vacuuming and taking out garbage without being asked (not everyday but sometimes when she was close to a reward)
As for your original question, I think honesty is the best policy. Just tell your SO why you don't think it's a good idea and make it all about what is best for SD. Try to take the feelings out of it and be matter-of-fact. "I think if you spend time away SD will regress in the following areas. She still needs to show improvement with xyz, but has come a long way in such and such area and I hate the thought that you will have to start over all of that effort when you get back"
Just out of curiosity, what
Just out of curiosity, what would he do if you weren't in the picture to care for her when he's gone?
I have had that conversation
I have had that conversation in the past (when it was becoming "assumed" that I would be the one to provide all care on no school days, etc. even though we both have full time jobs and his has a more flexible schedule) and things changed. He would not go or he would work something else out (probably not go). I know he would not object or be resentful if I say no. I just want to present it in a reasonable way. And maybe have some suggestions at the ready.
You can say no. He will have
You can say no. He will have to find other arrangements of not go. It is that easy. This kid is not your problem. If she is a discipline problem, then it is on him to fix. Not you...
Have you guys ever all sat
Have you guys ever all sat down and wrote up a list of rules and expectations along with consequences for non-compliance?
We're in the process of that
We're in the process of that now. Like I say...it's why I'm hesitant because this is all very new.
The easiest way to tell him
The easiest way to tell him is to tell him the truth. You're afraid to take responsibility for her in light of what happened when she was with you for only two days. What if this time she decides you're so horrible she calls the police and accuses you of hitting her?
Tell him this is still too new - you don't feel comfortable being alone and it all can be re-evaluated for his Fall conference.
Thanks! You all have given me
Thanks! You all have given me some great tips and outlooks. I have to ponder and then have a chat with DH. I think we can come up with something that will be good for all concerned.