I want a biological child
I love my son. I met him when he was 2 years old and have loved him for all I am worth. I have coached soccer for 5 years. I am the one he calls out to when he has a nightmare. He is not my biologically but I adopted him 2 years ago following a court battle with a father who had no contact in 10 years. But here is my problem, I want a biological child. When my wife and I married we spoke about it and I was clear that this was important to me and she agreeded that she was open to having more children. After 11 years (7 married) together there were always obstacles. We both work in a volatile industry and have changed jobs often due to the instability. But we make a very good living. Everything came to a head in the last two years. I assured her that even if her job went away I make more than enough to maintain our lifestyle. That's when the other shoe dropped. She no longer wants another child. I love my wife. I love our shared life. But I am burning on the inside. She asserts that it wouldn't be right for her to have a child that she doesn't want. I don't know what my outcome will be. I can't leave my family, but I find myself feeling betrayed and angry. What scares me most is that if I ignore my feeling in order to preserve my family, one day the resentment will overwhelm me and wreck my marriage. I won't have the biological child that I wanted, or the relationship that I sacrificed that desire for.
I would have walked and let
I would have walked and let him know in a few choice (and profanity heavy) words how despicable it is to take away someone's right in life like this. There really is nothing that can replace that hole inside of you if it's there.
I'd choose single parenthood over resenting and hating this man who was supposed to have loved me enough to value my dreams and honor his promise to me.
I would go to counseling with
I would go to counseling with your wife if you want to save your marriage, but this can and will eat you up inside, possibly turning you bitter and angry and destroy your marriage anyway. She essentially took away your right under false pretenses. I think it's more than cruel to deny someone you love something so fundamental. However, I also think this is good that she is honest with herself about how she feels about another child.
The ball is in your court.
If I were you, I'd leave because this is something extremely, extremely important to me that I will regret for the rest of my life--nothing is like the love you can have for a child of your own (be it furry or human.) A few rare people, like Rags, loves his stepson as his own, but most cannot do as he does.
Talk about it and ask her why she doesn't. I can say after having our daughter, I am not so eager to do this again (I think my exact words were "f*** no." when DH asked when we'd have another one)--pregnancy sucks, the horrendous pain of labor, the worse pain of a c-section, sleepness nights, formula and diapers everywhere... and poop. Oh god the poop. Defies gravity with a stench that can melt steel. Not to mention absolutely no time to do even the basics of self care and now I'm a hairy, shedding female Sasquatch with leg hair that's trying to overtake western Europe.
He would like one more with me but it's not a dealbreaker--if it was, I would oblige because I know how important it is to him.
I would find out her reasons and address them with her.
Im afraid I cant offer any
Im afraid I cant offer any advice either, only heartfelt condolence for the situation you have found yourself in.
I have a SD and no bio children, I want bio children and my partner also wants more children. However we are both young and there are other priorities for us both at the moment. So in attempt to offer some advice I thought about how I would feel if my partner was to change his mind and all I got was sadness.
What are the reasons for not wanting another? Financial concerns? Concerns about leaving the job that your partner enjoys? Maybe knowing that will allow you both to come to a better agreement.
Thanks all, for the advice.
Thanks all, for the advice. The wife was resistant to counseling at first though she has come around on this point. But her opinion is what good would it do? Would the counselor convince her that she should have another child? She doesn't want to be convinced. Her concerns are that she doesn't want to go through the whole baby thing again. She did it once and our son is 13. She wants her life. At this point if I leave her, who will I be? That guy desperately searching for a woman who wants to be a mother to my children? At 38 that sounds like a formula for disaster. I guess I know that there is no clear answer just a miserable reality. I will not get the child that I want and my anger over this will one day bring my marriage down for good. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself it just feel a little better if I can vent.
Your wife seems awfully
Your wife seems awfully selfish. Changing her mind and assuming that you should be fine with it, and even when talking about counseling she only considers what it would mean for herself.
Clearly, someone changing their mind on an issue this important is a betrayal, and it will have an impact on your marriage. You seem to be the only one who is thinking about more than yourself enough to understand that your trust has been impacted and you may build up resentment toward her as a result. THAT impact on your relationship is the reason for counseling, not her her her.
It's not about convincing her
It's not about convincing her to have more children in counseling, it is about communicating, and for her to truly understand the impact such a decision will have on you. To open dialogue, and to be placed in a position where both of you will be able to talk it out with a referee so it won't degenerate into a "you promised" and "but it's my body" screaming match. Hopefully you can both come to a resolution about it.
I don't think she understands what you are missing, because she's been there, done that. But, and we don't give men enough credit in this aspect, many want to feel the joy of feeling that first kick, to watch their wife grow, to be there for the birth, and to be responsible for a truly helpless and dependent creature for the first few months of its life. To share in this experience.
38 is not old, DH just turned 37 and BD is 6 months old. My dad was in his 40's when he had us.
Starting over is also not about just finding someone to be the mother of your children, it's about finding someone who respects and shares your goals in life. I always thought that was more important because beauty and sexual desire waxes and wanes, but what you have built and created together is a legacy.
This is a difficult situation
This is a difficult situation that has been presented many times by other STalkers. To me it comes down to two considerations. First is the commitment of marriage. The second is the drive to have children.
It impacts both men and women, at least on STalk.
I am neutral on having more kids. I love kids and would be fine with having another or even a few more.... or not. Either way I do not feel that I would be missing anything critical to my fulfillment in life.
In the case of my bride and I, when we married we decided to wait to discuss having more children until she finished her undergrad and we both finished grad school. We accomplished all of those goals 9 years after we married. By then both of our careers where rolling along quite successfully so we kept the topic of additional spawn on the back burner.
My DW had a bit of a phobia about having more kids from being a 16yo single teen mom and the protracted battles with the Sperm Clan and protecting our son (my SS) from the toxic manipulations of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
In her late early 30s she decided that she wanted another one. I was fine with that but stipulated that she get a complete work up from her Gyno to make sure she could safely carry and deliver another child. With SS she developed a severe case of Toxemia/Preeclampsia that put her in the hospital and caused SS to be 5wks premature. The doctor at the time indicated that if she had not been admitted to the hospital when she was that she likely would not have survived the pregnancy. She also developed clotting problems in her legs after 10-15yrs on birth control. Fortunately I did stipulate that she see her Gyno because when we broached the topic of more children the Gyno vetoed that in a hurry and indicated that with the history of Toxemia/Preeclampsia and hormone induced clotting problems that it was highly likely that a pregnancy would be severely detrimental to my brides health and to the health of the baby.
So, I vetoed kid #2. I would not jeopardize my bride’s life and health even for a Rags bio kid or 2. Nope, not happenin.
My DW struggled with some grief over not having another kid and beat herself up that we should have done it sooner. I called her Gyno to get input on the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy if DW was in her early 20s+/-. Her Gyno said it would likely not make any difference since DW had gotten so sick with #1 that #2+ would have been a significant gamble. I took DW to see her Gyno face to face while I waited in the lobby so that DW could get it straight from her friend and gynecologist. My DW is a very healthy fitness fiend and is very healthy so it is not an unhealthy life style that caused her pregnancy risk issues. I held my bride through a few months of tears and grieving but we got through it, we are fine and she is thriving.
So, I do not have an ankle biter to chase around in to my near retirement and early retirement years. Instead I have a hottie bride to chase around the beaches and destination locations of the world, an amazing son (SS-21) that I have raised as my own to watch continue his journey as a self supporting viable adult young man of character, nieces and nephews to fart around with, am living an amazing life adventure with my bride and look forward to the second 20 years of life together.
A little history, DW and I met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. DW was 18 and I was 30 when we married. I just turned 50 and she will turn 39 this year. We will celebrate our 20th anniversary and renew our vows this summer.
I am sorry that you are suffering this disappointment. However, it does not have to ruin your life or your marriage. My wife and I thought we might want more kids but life did not work out that way for us. Sometimes it can be due to situations outside of the control or either partner and other times it can be due to a change of mind. Life happens, things change.
Take care of yourself. You have a little boy and a bride to have an amazing life and future with.
IMHO of course.
Sincerely,
No argument from me. But,
No argument from me. But, whether a health risk or a change of mind it all falls under the shit happens category in life at some level.
IMHO of course.
Just had a thought. Playing
Just had a thought. Playing devils advocate here. What if we had kids on our own (sperm donors/surrogacy etc) but tried to stay in our current relationships? Is this fundamentally different to being with someone who has a child that isn't ours? should they have to accept that child the same way we have accepted theirs? If partners were aware at the beginning of the relationship our desire for a biological child and later changed their minds for whatever reason, but we go ahead and have a child on our own, is that the same as when we go into a relationship with a partner who has a child and then later on we decide that we want to disengage and want no part of their parenting but our partner continues to parent their child?
Or are these questions too flawed for the destruction that bringing a child that our partner has not agreed to into the relationship and the potential shit storm it would create?
I only have words of
I only have words of sympathy to share. I married a man who 6 years ago got cut. No sperm frozen. At that point he didn't want any more.
When I first started dating. I shared that I always wanted kids, but never knew if I really wanted to be pregnant. But before we got married I shared that it had changed for me. He said he would at that point be willing to look "to science" to help us have "more children together because I really want one too".
But now we are struggling.
The "when" is difficult---we've been married over 2 years
The "how" reversal, or extraction,... I don't want to adopt I want to be pregnant now
So many issues that should be so easy...
I'm only 28 and my husband is 38. It;s never been a problem but people keep talking about "older men" "over the hill" "biological clock" It is so much stress,
Add on top of that I'm not sure that he's not just pushing me off.
I guess I'm just saying I understand.