No Respect in My Home

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I have been a step parent for almost 10 years to adult stepchildren and a daughter of my own, who are all married and living on their own. These are good step children in that they do not rely on us and take care of themselves and their families so in comparision to many of the other post on this site this issue may seem petty to some and that is exactly what I want to know.

So here is my concern. I feel like my stepsons and their wives do not have any respect for me or my home. They know that I do not like people in the house without our knowledge and yet they continue to do so. On one of the recent holidays, my DH and I are visiting at my parents and come home to find that someone had been in the house. We could tell because there was beer in the refrigerator that had not been there when we left. I could tell that they had been watching TV and there were empty beer cans in the trash. Come to find out this was the son who lives only about 1 mile from us and the brought his brother-in-law over to our house where they stayed for sometime. Now my DH and I both have cell phones and there were no calls to let us know of this plan - had I gotten a phone call I would not have liked it, but I would not have been upset. By the way I also checked the caller id on our home phone and stepson did call the house and I am guessing that this was to tell us he was going to come over but he did not leave a message nor call our cell phones, so I also feel like once he knew we were not home that he thought oh well I will just go over.

Other issues are with a step daughter-in-law. Stepson and her and their 3 children live out of town and when they come to town for some event, they usually spend the weekend in our home. That is fine, but I feel like they do not appreciate what they have in our home. For example, she always has to iron their clothes before putting them on. No problem there. The iron and ironing board are in the laundry room. The problem is that when the ironing board is down one cannot walk around it in the laundry room without taking it down and she routinely (even after I have mentioned that the ironing board needs to be put away as we can not get around it) leaves it down. As a matter of fact, at this point it does not get put up unless DH or I do so. I know this is small but I feel like it is being done in spite.

Another thing she does, is to move the bed in one of the bedrooms against the wall so the grandkids will not roll out. No problem there either, but I keep it away from the wall and would like to see it returned to its original position when they leave.

The last thing that really upset her when I said something was when she was bringing gifts for another ocassion to leave at our home for over a month before they would be back in town to distribute the gifts. I had told a couple of years back that she could do that once when she asked and now it is taken for granted she can do it whenever she wants without saying anything. When she came this time with gifts I mentioned that I was not expecting them, but that I would work around them and that upset her as I said this in front of others and because this was a gift for DH and I that I should be ashamed of myself for even mentioning it.

Again I know all of this is small and probably trivial, but it makes me feel like my home and my place in it are not being respected. All I am asking is a little bit of consideration in that one asks before they just assume that they can do whatever they want in my home. Is this too controlling or am I being not so subtly dismissed as an unimportant part of their Dad's home?

1. Change locks, etc. and

1. Change locks, etc. and Lock your house up tight and do NOT let anyone in when your not there. Easy fix....if they can't get in, then they wont, and you have every right to do this.

2. Buy an extra ironing board and leave it in their room when they visit...that way she can iron all day and not be in the way.

3. Pick your battles ...this one is a waste...easier just to fix when they are gone.

4. Not sure about gift thing....maybe someone else has a good idea.

No, these are not clearly major issues (but the first...I would freak if anyone came in my house while we were gone...sorta illegal)
But little things can add up if they bug you, I say fix what you can, and try to get over ...what you can't...not worth your worry.

Good luck

Ditto. If the gifts are

Ditto. If the gifts are wrapped, just let that one go.

First, I don't understand why

First, I don't understand why they are coming over to your home to hang out when you are not there if they have homes of there own. In any case they should call you first and see if it's ok. I also think that there is a lack of respect from the daughter-in-law as well. It's just good manners to put things away. I would never go to my parent's home, sister's home or anyone's home and not put things back where they were. Once you leave and have a home of your own you should behave as if you are a guest. There is a difference between making yourself at home and being rude and disrespectful. Good luck!

My wife and I and the Skid

My wife and I and the Skid have keys to my parent's house. But, they always know when we are coming to visit or will be using their house if they are traveling. We live internationally which makes my parent's home our US staging base for our home leave and US vacations. My parents made their careers as Expats also and growing up we used my grand parents homes as our US home base. When my brother and I bought a condo together durign college our parents used our place as their US home base and when we both married and started familyes mom and dad had keys to both of our houses.

The key was and is that we communicate and everyone knows who is coming and when.

The stuff with the daughter

The stuff with the daughter is small and trivial. Why not just let it go? Why stew over something so small just to make your life more complicated. However, I would have a big issue with someone coming into my home and not telling me and using my house when I am not there. That is breaking and entering and it is against the law. I imagine your DH would not be too happy if you called the police to report this, but if this ever happened after your DH passed away you could have them arrested and probably get some DNA from the beer cans. I wouldn't allow my bios to do this without asking.

Thanks for all of the

Thanks for all of the comments and support. It is interesting to see the responses about the SS hanging out in our home. Your comments are in line with what happened next. DH asked SS in front of DD if he had been in the house the day before and he said yeah I guess you found the beer. My DD made an off handed comment about how some would consider that to be breaking and entering (as was pointed out here) and the next day SS went to DH and returned the house key to him because he did not want to be accused of breaking and entering in our home. DH then blew up at me and made me "fix" the problem with SS. By fix the problem I had to return the house key to him. I feel as if SS used the key to create drama and as a way to not take responsibility for his actions. I feel as if DH is so scared of his DS's that he will tolerate disrespect in our home and ignore my feelings to keep them happy. Plus I am so mad at myself for letting DH make me feel like what I did was wrong and that I had to fix the problem to try and keep everyone happy. Besides they are not happy now and have had very little to do with me since this incident. It is like they got in trouble and now I am the evil witch and their DD is the saint.

OMG Jinx

Your daughter had no buisness

Your daughter had no buisness making that remark. You know exactly why that flamed the fire.

I agree with the original

I agree with the original poster.

Yes, some of the things may seem petty but its the attitude behind the actions. It may small things like not taking the iron down to the laundry which your DD may get away with but it's the attitude your step daughter in law does it I'm sure. It's that F you, I don't care you're the crazy woman attitude.

I bet she wouldn't do that in her own mother's house if she was asked repeatedly to do the same.

i get that with my partner and his dad when grandda is staying with us.

When they unpack the dishwasher they put stuff away in the wrong place and put it away like they are packing dishes in a backpackers they will never return to. We have a very tiny kitchen so it's not exactly rocket science to figure out that the pots and pans have their own shelf. But they get upset when I get upset. I tell sometimes its not that you've put something on the wrong shelf but it's how you do it - just throw in there without a care in the world like you don't live here.

I support you 100%.

i do agree though that your daughter should hold her words in such situations as it becomes about your child vs my chilkd.

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