Trying to figure out the logistics of moving in with SO
Hi there, I'm new here but have been lurking for a while.
I've been in a committed relationship with my SO for a little over a year now. He has one DD18 and I have a DD8, his lives at the house 100% of the time, pays half the mortgage whilst she works full time and goes to UK college. My DD is with me 50% of the time.
We've come to the point in the relationship we've decided to move in together, the problem is that he lives in a three bedroom house and his daughter uses the master as her bedroom and the smallest as her sowing/dress making room filled with equipment and fabric etc.
My SO doesn't think it'd be fair that she would have to lose her sowing room since she helps towards running the household so much, but doesn't really have a solution as to were my DD would sleep and put her stuff (as she has a full bedroom to move at mine)
The other problem is that he feels that we would have to consult her on my moving in and every issue on the household, which I don't really want to do.
She is a good kid that's always made us feel welcome and done stuff like babysit my DD and taken her shopping, made her an exact copy of Elsa's dress and cape from frozen so she'd win the dress up competition (like she did when she went to that school)
I just don't know what to do.
Any thoughts or advise would be appreciated,thanks.
Actually it sounds like the
Actually it sounds like the father is financially partly dependent on the daughter to afford his home. Perhaps also dependent on having to have a woman run his household and take care of her father because he doesn't have a wife in the home to do so for him. This young lady has been handed a lot of responsibilities. Seriously, if she pays 1/2 the mortgage on the property why should Dad automatically get the master bedroom? Financially she'll has much the 'owner' as he is, more like housemates than father/daughter.
This is an unusual case. Not your typical spoilt teen overstepping her role in this home. I foresee as much 'trouble' coming from the OP's part (doesn't think the daughter she be consulted at all...the young lady pays for 1/2 this home) as I do the daughter who will find herself all of a sudden expected demoted back to 'child'. Even if there were a 4th bedroom now, this living/financial situation is a train wreak coming up the tracks.
IMO the best 'plan' would be for the SO and the OP to look for a home to share together and start fresh. There's no way OP can move into this home the way the father has made all the expectations on this young lady that he has and have it go smoothly. IMO So needs to inform his daughter he is selling the house (perhaps rent daughter the current house if she can afford it or with a roommate), Dad moving and also perhaps consider allowing DD to move with them but as a renter only and she has the option of finding an alternative living space if she'd rather. If he doesn't follow this path he's setting this two adult women up for major issues and neither woman deserves that. They get along well now, DD is approving of with the relationship between SO and OP and also building one of her own with OP's daughter. If I were the OP I would insist on SO/OP looking for a new home together as a condition to taking their relationship to the next step of living together.
Two adult functioning women in one house...what is SO thinking :? OP, really, don't move into this house. You're waited this long, wait a while longer until SO figures out how his current 'plan' isn't going to work and he's decided he's ready to commit to a future with you in a home you two can both live in comfortably and happily. If he can't commit to that, he's not really ready for this next step in your relationship.
This is interesting. In a
This is interesting.
In a normal set up, dad would tell his kids to move her stuff and go from there. However, since this kid is paying half the mortgage and "helps towards running the household so much", normal expectations may not work here.
Moving into that home may be a huge mistake. You can not move into another woman's home and expect her to step aside and allowing you to take over. Based on everything his daughter is doing, she is the woman of that home?
How about him moving in with you or the two of you looking for a new place? His daughter could find a roommate to move in with her until she graduates.
Kudos to his daughter for working full time, going to college and helping out with their home.
Why has he given her so many
Why has he given her so many responsibilities in the home? I'm all for college kids living at home having some chores and paying a small amount for rent, but this is way over the top.
The stepdaughter pays the
The stepdaughter pays the other half.
You're even considering
You're even considering moving to a home where your Dd wouldn't have her own bedroom because the SD has TWO? Sigh.
In this case the SD is
In this case the SD is spending big bucks, so yeah she should be able to have both rooms.
Oh dear. Please listen
Oh dear. Please listen carefully to the advice you're receiving. I don't think that anyone who is advising you here wants you to not be with this man, but you're stepping in a minefield and we're concerned.
I think the important thing to understand, is that you are not moving into his house, you are moving into HER house. It doesn't matter that she is his child; she is a woman, who is contributing financially to a home, which you want to move into.
Honestly, the best situation would be for you and your SO to find a new home together.
this is the most bizarre
this is the most bizarre thing i have ever heard, although in some ways i complement the guy for having such a responsible daughter that she attends school, works full time and pays 1/2 the mortgage on a home.
i would keep your homes separate for now and see how things play out. the relationship is only a year old; i think you need to wait until its more serious (engagement level perhaps) and then find a way to have your own home, even if that means he continues to throw some cash at the 18 year old to help her keep her home. normally i wouldnt suggest a parent helping out an adult child but this one does sound responsible adn does sound like she's helping her dad out right now. she may be ok on her own financially once she completes school which is probably a few years out which gives you time to solidfy your relationship.
Ok..I have to wonder why he
Ok..I have to wonder why he is charging an 18 year old college kid, half of the mortgage?! Weird.
If you move in here, you are asking for trouble. But if you both insist on this...then ask the DD if she is ok with giving up the sewing room and drop her rent to 1/4 of the mortgage.
So many red flags going up in
So many red flags going up in my mind reading your post! His daughter has the master bedroom, he doesn't think it is fair for her to give up her sewing room, she needs to be consulted since she contributes so much to the house, etc. My gut feeling is don't do it! Yes, she may be a good kid, but I can see you butting heads because she is basically already the woman of the house! Even if you contribute to the bills, you will never be woman of the house. Since you have a younger child, this could cause fights, as she could have problems with things your DD does or doesn't do. This whole thing just sounds like a recipe for disaster!
I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but it is probably best that you not move in with SO. If there is a time that his DD leaves and gets her own place, that would be the only time I would consider it.
Since his daughter is not a
Since his daughter is not a minor anymore and is pulling her fair share of responsibilities, I think all three of you should sit down and discuss the issues and options available before doing anything else.
It could be that the daughter has been wanting to move out on her own but was afraid of dad losing the house on his own. Or it could be that she wouldn't have a problem with remodeling part of the basement/garage to have her sewing room or something like that.
Sounds like he is kind of a guilty daddy type of parent. He is assuming things that might not be true at all. Maybe the daughter wouldn't have a problem giving up the master bedroom and moving into a smaller bedroom or something. Who knows? HE can't read her mind. He is operating out of fear. That is NOT a good thing.
Normally, I would say that having the daughter in the conversation would just make things worse if he has already elevated her to mini-wife. However, she does seem to be pretty responsible and I think you might gain yourself a big fan in the future if you somewhat defer to her or at least include her on the conversation.