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defending the ex?

AmIWicked's picture

Submitted by AmIWicked on Fri, 02/14/2014 - 9:30pm

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General Discussion

Anyone out there have a significant other that defends their ex??

This didn't happen with the recent accusation BM fired upon me,... I'm just talking in general.

As an example, BM had a boyfriend she accused of beating her up. He claimed SHE was attacking HIM in her front yard!
Now, me, from the outside, knowing she has BPD tendencies if not diagnosis, I asked my husband how he KNEW it happened.(leaving out details which would say who we are)

H"What are you looking at on the computer?"

Me " The news article of (BM). I know I wasn't there, but I really question what happened to (BM). With her history, I really can't say for sure HE attacked HER"

H"I know."

M"How?"

H"Everyone knew"

M"how? you weren't there."

H"Neighbors called 911 because they saw what happened."

M"Did you hear the 911 tape? Did you talk to the neighbors?"

H"I saw her with a black eye."

M"Is that a no?"

H"I'm not defending her."

M"It kind of sounds like you are, you weren't there, you don't know. Didn't she accuse you of cheating on her throughout your entire marriage when she was the one cheating on you?"

H"Everyone know it was a conspiracy because of (who they boyfriend was and the situation surrounding their relationship)"

M"You really don't know if (the situation surrounding their relationship) blocked the media from reporting HE attacked HER or if (he was not going to press charges on HER and because of the situation) there was nothing to report. And BECAUSE nothing was reported BM saw this as a fantastic opportunity to run into the bathroom and hit herself with a bar of soap in a pillow and claim attack."

H"It doesn't matter. Nevermind."

M"Hey (husband) I approached this as I know I wasn't there but I question the story she is telling. I'm just saying I don't take what she says as gospel. you are full on backing HER based on what SHE told you, RIGHT?"

H--nothing---

M"Sorry I brought it up. No, sorry you brought it up,... I should have said I was looking at youtube videos of kittens or something."

This kind of thing happens more often thenI'd like to admit. He backs her, trusts her,... sometimes without any proof, sometimes even questioning me,.....
I hate this feeling.

steplife's picture

Submitted by steplife on Fri, 02/14/2014 - 11:14pm

My DH also says the "Oh BM wouldn't do that" and big surprise she DOES! Im never surprised anytime. I don't really think it's him defending her, it's more about him being embarrassed that she does these things and he had a kid with the idiot. Because its like a bad reflection on his poor judgment.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 02/15/2014 - 12:25am

Why would you even bother to look it up anyway. So what if she's lying about the boyfriend who cares. What goes on between her and her boyfriend is their business. I don't think for one second him defending her to you is right. But maybe he was just thinking what I think. Why are you looking it up. If there are kids involved then let there father sort it out.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Sat, 02/15/2014 - 10:13am

My DH does the opposite. He will warn people and even use the example of their divorce to show how lying and manipulative she can be.

Then he will condone stuff to give her just enough rope to hang herself. For example FIL/SMIL were having a Christmas party and were going to invite SS and DH made a comment that it might be nice for me to go as well so that SS could get something early from our house. SMIL made a comment she didn't know if would be good because she wanted to invite BM and her eldest to actually stay. DH made a comment that he didn't know that and that we didn't want to cause drama so hoped that they had fun spending time with SS. Well BM was a bitch and caused a seen with SS and refused to stay because she had other things to do. Well that was fine but her eldest(10) started talking to the smaller kids about sex which provoked a seen in the living room. FIL says that he won't allow anyone but SS being invited again, and he hopes that most things he wants to do with SS land on our time as he doesn't want to deal with BM and knows SMIL will still defend her and SIL who lives with them is still buddy buddy with her.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 02/15/2014 - 10:50am

Not in a million years would my husband defend BM. He knows she is capable of anything except being a decent human being.

Now, when we first got together, he didn't like me referring to her as a bitch 'cuz that is SD's mom and yada, yada, yada. I got him over that pretty quick, though.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 02/16/2014 - 9:55am

This is likely nothing more than a pure saving face effort. No one likes to admit that they had a major laps on judgement when having sex with someone or chosing them to spawn with.

ocs's picture

Submitted by ocs on Sun, 02/16/2014 - 10:58am

Every time batshit BM wants something, she becomes nice and amenable. I question 'why?' and DH says, "she wants the fighting to stop too. It's hard on SD".

I roll my eyes, he gets suckered in and BM does something shitty. EVERY TIME. He really believes it...

He has stopped talking about anything and that's fine for me.

libra2libra83's picture

Submitted by libra2libra83 on Sun, 02/16/2014 - 12:07pm

My boyfriend only did this once. When I met him, we had crazy rules we had to follow from BM before I was to even meet his daughter. We had to wait 6 months, I had to meet her 4 times for her to "decide" if I was capable of being around her DD, and BM had to be at the park for the whole visit when I met my FSD. I personally didn't want to do any of the meetings with BM. She is a different kind of crazy. FH and I used to fight all of the time about how she wouldn't give him the same courtesy (if he wanted to) when it came to her BFs. 5 years and 5 BFs later, he has only been allowed to meet 1 of them, and only after he was introduced to SD after only 2 weeks of dating BM.

Now he believes she will do whatever she wants, so we do whatever we want.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 2:30pm

Maybe if he 'needs' to talk to her so much, he should just move back in with her.

BM called DSO constantly in our first few years together. He even quit a job bc she called and stopped by all the time....his asst manager told me that her and the skids calling/visiting got really bad.

She would start off with talking about the skids and then it was all about her aches and pains and her families aches and pains. I finally told him one day that while I respected how hard it was for both of them to break that emotional bond that after 3 years it was disrespectful to me that he would let her ramble on and on about other issues than the skids and that is what her boyfriend was for. He started cutting the calls shorter and shorter and then letting them go to VM. Now he rarely talks to her at all.

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Thu, 02/20/2014 - 8:31pm

The day SO defends that psycho manipulative control freak is when I'll be packing his shit and shipping it off to her house.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Fri, 02/21/2014 - 3:39am

in my opinion, it's one of two things: he still carries a torch for her (he was the levee), or he's embarrassed. mine was embarrassed and only defended her ONE TIME. if it was a constant he'd either be in counseling or we'd be divorced.

Pinki3663's picture

Submitted by Pinki3663 on Sat, 02/22/2014 - 8:09am

The only time I have been in this situation was when my then boyfriend was trying to pass off an ex- girlfriend as "just a friend" I called bullshit and he defended her to the death. We split uo shortly after and I found them in a grocery store parking lot a few days later hugging. Cause that is what friends do haha.

Go with your gut. If you think something is off it probably is. You can either try to get to the bottom of it or cut your loses.