Feeling trapped
So I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. I have always known he had a daughter who he's been fighting for full and legal custody for. He is in the process of getting her back for good which I am really happy about. The little girl just turned 3 and I feel like I have already turned into the "evil step parent" even though she's only been back in our home for about a month now. I have grown up around kids and have never seen a child act like her. I am from a very large family and have helped raise my nieces and nephews from birth as well as held numerous babysitting and nanny jobs. I love kids and actually went to school to work with troubled youth. But how is it I cannot tolerate this girls attitude and behavior? She is an attention whore. The attention always has to be on her. We could be sitting in the doctors office talking to a nurse or staff person or even another parent in the waiting room. She immediately jumps in and says "I'm Josie" and starts singing very loudly. Yeah, yeah...sounds just adorable right? Not when it happens 24/7 and when the attention is not on her for 2 seconds, she will do something to make sure she gets the attention she wants. My boyfriend is the only one working right now as I finish my master's degree from home. So since I am home all day, until we can figure out day care arrangements, I am stuck caring for her on a daily basis. It wasn't bad at first. I really enjoyed it and told my boyfriend I wouldn't mind doing the stay at home mom thing....that is until I got to know how his daughter really is. Everything and I mean everything is a battle with her, from eating to potty time to cleaning her room to getting ready to go out somewhere, even if its somewhere fun for her. My boyfriend and I recently found out I am pregnant, about 10 weeks along. So on top of trying to complete my masters degree (which I cannot do with her here all the time because its impossible to get anything accomplished with her here)taking care of her full time while my boyfriend is at work all day and dealing with a high risk pregnancy due to endometriosis and health issues, I feel so stressed and trapped. I have talked to my boyfriend about this numerous times and it has led to a fight every single time, including tonight. I feel stuck. I love my boyfriend so much and now with being pregnant myself, I feel I have to try to make this work, but I am so tired of being walked all over and disrespected by a 3 year old while everyone that sees her acts like she is just the most adorable and cutest little angel ever. She literally laughs in my face when I try to punish her for acting out, she doesn't listen to me, constantly tells me I am not her mom or dad. I really don't know what to do. Help!!
child care.Urgently. If her
child care.Urgently. If her dad or biomum can't look after her,she needs to go into childcare, family day care or similar.This situation is going to get tougher.You need to look after yourself and your unborn baby.Blame the pregnancy if your partner asks why you have changed your mind, if he doesn't get it.
Ohhh girl run run run. You
Ohhh girl run run run. You move in with Mom or whatever it takes. If you want to continue to share expenses and sex with this guy continue to do so but when you've got your degree RUN. If possible cool the relationship down between now and graduation so it doesn't look like you've just used him but just cooled to the relationship and romance.
Then find a guy without kids. Jeeze you're young - you don't need to strap someone else's kid around your neck. Millions of childless men out there who are graduating about now are looking for a smart intelligent girl like you to make a life with. And for heavens sake enjoy years without kids while you find a guy and years without kids after you do. Get your career going - have kids around age 30 when you're sure of your professional position and your guy who you've known for 5 years or more by then. Don't be so much in a hurry you've got to take on another woman's mistakes just to snag a husband. Please listen.
Let this guy find a girl who also has kids and mutually need each others help. You'll never be happy here I don't care how much you like this guy. And in fact he may just be using you, unconsciously perhaps, but he needs a babysitter and mother and cook etc doesn't he? Maybe you're just a sucker for stepping in.
Ummm...that horse has already
Ummm...that horse has already left the barn. She's 10 weeks pregnant with his child.
That really doesn't matter.
That really doesn't matter. She can still go.
That doesn't mean she should
That doesn't mean she should stay with the guy. Once you start calling a 3 year old an attention whore :?it's time to move on.
I have to agree here. I would
I have to agree here. I would never call a 3 year old such a name. And as far as I remember, three year olds ARE in need of MASSIVE amounts of attention. THEY ARE THREE.
Three years old and you make
Three years old and you make her sound awful. She is still moldable at 3. You can work with this with discipline and consistency. But, if you already feel this way, you may want to consider this is not for you.
If you are planning on working it out, you need child care immediately. At three, she has a lot of growing to do and she is capable of change. You call a child out every time on their behavior and they understand that that is not working. This kid is looking for attention. You are not the one she is looking for it from. Her Bios are responsible for raising her, not you.
I am 100% with Lady Face on
I am 100% with Lady Face on this one. Talk to a counselor. You have more than you can handle right now, and you are adding a baby of your own. It doesn't sound like a good way to spend your life IMHO.
Are you doing the child-care
Are you doing the child-care because he is supporting the family while you do your masters? I'd rather watch SS all day then dish out childcare costs but that should be a choice you have to make together as a family not one that should be dumped on you. It is impossible to do a master's while being a full-time nanny, if you are dedicated to finishing then you need childcare, it's harder to go back once you have your own child and need to worry about child care costs for them too, so now would be the best time to finish. And if you aren't sure if the relationship will work (I'm not saying you should leave) having an education which will translate into allowing you to support yourself and your child will be a lifesaver.
You and your SO are equity
You and your SO are equity partners in your relationship. This makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of biology. You are full time parent to your SD-3 ..... so parent.
You establish the behavior household rules, you hold SD accountable and you apply the discipline when necessary. If SO or BM take issue with that then they have once choice. STFU of step up and get it done before you have to.
As for SO's idiocy and the fight, outline for him that you want your relationship to work but for that to happen he has to put your relationship first. If he balks at gaining this clarity point out to him that if he does not gain clarity he will be paying your CS to raise the child you are carrying and he can STFU and deal with that.
Congrats on the baby and on nearing completion of your Master's degree. I did the same for grad school. My bride was a fulltime student in the evenings and I would take care of the Skid while she was in class. I would put the Skid down for bed then hit the books on my MBA. Do not let the relationship; the Skid and the pregnancy distract you from finishing grad school. 3yo kids take naps and go to bed early and parents make that happen. 3yo kids do what parents require them to do. So parent and make it happen so you can get your studies completed.
Take care of yourself.