Putting off my wedding - failure to launch future SS
Ok, I am so angry. My fiancee is the consummate overachiever - excellent shape, multiple degrees and extremely successful. He makes lofty goals and has not missed one of them. He is the most honorable man I know. He is wonderful to me and is my best friend.
Now how could I be angry? Why don't I get to be the happiest girl in the world picking out my dress and planning my big wedding?
His son is the exact opposite of him. He has yet to get out from in front of the computer in the 3 years since he got out of high school. He doesn't do anything but play video games - I know hie is addicted. He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't even say Happy Father's Day or Happy Birthday to his dad. He says he has anxiety when leaving the house so he misses major family events. FH refuses to discuss it - he says I have no kids so I don't get it. I know I will go insane if I have to live with a grown man who has never worked a day in his life and who plays video games all day. All the while working a high stress job myself. We can afford to support two households but I will be damned if we are paying 25K in mortgage and utilities for an extra house - unless it is our vacation house. I am willing to pay for his trade school but that would require him leaving the house. Oh yeah he has no drivers license.
I have stopped planning our wedding because although I want to spend the rest of my life with this man I know I will be angry all the time helping to support future SS. Does anyone have any ideas how I can make it better or ay advice. I love this man and am ok waiting but I really would love to be his wife and move forward together. Any advice on getting through to my fiancee or not being so angry - I could really really use it!
To be honest I have not told
To be honest I have not told him. I am going to talk to him after the holidays. I pretty much just stopped planning and have not signed a contract on a reception site.
Why not suggest to your FH
Why not suggest to your FH that he sets his son up in his own apartment nearby and FH pays the rent and utilities. Then SS can play games all day and all night in his own place.
And never EVER combine your incomes.
Personally I would walk away. FH may be awesome and wonderful. But he failed to teach his own flesh and blood to grow up and move out. Basically he has allowed his son to be emotionally crippled and stay that way. Maybe this is how FH wants it to be... his son relying on his dear old dad. If you stick around this will be your life until you die. He will not give up on his son because he was there before you. But you know this already.
That's what I'm thinking. How
That's what I'm thinking. How awesome is a man who will let that kind of nonsense go on in his home? To me, that is not some side issue- it is a direct reflection of a personality deficiency. This would not be the only issue you have.
How long have you dated? Why haven't you talked about living arrangements before getting engaged?
So I don't live with them
So I don't live with them now. I own my own home - so no reason to move out. Which makes this easier. I am not planning on giving up so easily. I know there's a lot more experience with this and stepchildren on this forum. I might be fooling myself. My fh doesn't make any promises about a timeframe for his son. The oddest thing is he has other children who are following in their fathers footsteps so no clue why he lets this one get away with things. I know he feels guilty for the divorce but according to his ex it was her fault. I think he's just not used to feeling and is willing to take this on but he has to for everyone's sake. I suppose we could put his son up in an apartment what he could put his set up an apartment. I just don't want like to be so comfortable for him. I thought about us buying a house with an Inlaw suite but that puts us in a house I don't want. The truth is I would stomach is son moving in with us and having his own apartment in our house or on his own if he showed some forward progression.
I think this is a more
I think this is a more catching flies with honey type approach. Seem caring, get your way. Win win'
I agree with your assessment
I agree with your assessment of anxiety. If you approach this issue in a loving manner then it will help get DH to be on your side. If it true that if SS has a legitimate anxiety problem then this is a great first step into getting him to be more independent. This could be a very helpful approach. If SS refuses to get treatment then there is nothing more that you can do and then you can show him the door, if you know what I mean. This sounds like a worthwhile and logical approach. It makes you look like a loving and supportive partner if you come from a place of love like this. Good luck to you and I hope that this problem can be resolved with the least amount of drama possible.
I agree with how you see SS
I agree with how you see SS and anxiety. It's just that this father isn't helping SS by enabling him. Eventually, the father will die, and then what? Depending on how debilitating the anxiety is, SS may need to be placed into care. If it's so bad that SS can't function in society, then the parents need to take action to provide for their son once they're gone. If SS can function with support, again, action needed. If he's just being a lazy jack*ss, action needed.
None of this is emotionally or financially the OP's responsibility.
First thanks for all the
First thanks for all the advice! I will definitely get The Dance of Anger. I do believe the child has anxiety problems but he has to take steps to correct them and FH is not making him. I know FH will actually be ok with postponing wedding because he knows this a problem for me and doesn't want the marriage to fail. As I don't intend to have children we have no real hurry on getting married except it would be nice.
All the advice was great,
All the advice was great, Tog's summary was right on. I have BTDT in a similar situation. My SS, though, was not an adult when I married his dad. If it has been said he has anxiety, then he should be diagnosed and given help (meds and/or counseling)or your fiancé can not expect anything to change ever. I agree that speaking to your fiancé in a loving and regretful way about the postponement, as Tog suggests, will get you much farther than tears or an ultimatum. Then dropping the subject and backing off while leading your own life in your own home will probably get your fiancé to really think.
I think people are right
I think people are right about having him Evaluated if I could understand I could know what to do. Fiancee shuts down when I try and talk to him so I am going to ask him to go to couples counseling to try to talk this through. Feeling sad but hoping this will help.
The man (adult offspring) is
The man (adult offspring) is failure to launch and he will say anything to sit all day and play video games. That's it. He gets "anxiety'" because people are expecting him to do something other than sit all day and play video games. Pathetic. Your fiancée may be a lot of good things , you know better than me, but he's a terrible parent.
I tend to agree. If there
I tend to agree. If there was no financial incentive or help, and SS was out on the street forced to support himself in order to survive, I bet his attitude would be much different.
Time to invoke the burning
Time to invoke the burning platform. We had to do this with SS after he finished HS. He would not get his driver's license, he refused to apply to college and refused to get a job. So we made made him our go-for bitch or beck and call boy if you prefer.
We worked him hard with chores. When he figured out how to to the long chore list in a coupld of hours a day we expanded it. He started with doing all of the cooking and cleaning and laundry. Then we increased the cleaning of toilets, sweeping vacuuming and mopping of floors, etc.. to daily from weekly. We had him washing windows inside and out, and we had him doing whatever she chose whenever we chose. He tested us occassionally and when he did not get his stuff done on time we dragged him out of the house when we left in the AM, locked the doors and left him in the back yard until we got home from work. We shut off the internet and cable at our smart house box and we made understand that he could step out on his own and have some control over his life and happiness or he could live an increasingly miserable life being our beck and call boy.
Give it a try. Shut off the internet and cable, tell him he can either clean the house top to bottom, cook and do all of the laundry or he can be left outside without a key until you or his dad get home.
It works. He got sick of being an unpaid house keeper and joined the USAF where he is doing very well.
Give it a try.
Hi - I am too new to this to
Hi -
I am too new to this to be so harsh on the man I love. He is not a terrible parent. He raised two children all by himself. I agree he is letting his son get away with a lot but I am happy to say we may have made some progress his son is now diagnosed with anxiety/depression and on meds. My fiancee also has set dates where his son needs to accomplish steps towards independence. I also did get some truth which is as my fiancee took his terminal mother in he felt he didn't need to push his son as his son provided company for her and also helped with some things I would think would be quite difficult for anyone to do. We recently lost his mom so that is no longer a factor. All that said I do still think the situation should have never been allowed to develop but I see signs it is changing. We are supposed to get married in about a year so I am hoping we can get his son up in a comfortable situation and feeling more independent. I am going to suggest we buy a house that we can rent to him and a roommate. I don't expect him to pay full rent right away as DC area is expensive but I am willing for us to supplement if he is moving in the right direction.
All that said I also understand that my fiancee may not follow through and I only cautiously optimistic. I did tell him I am ok waiting to get married until he felt he had his son on his way to independence rather than be it a situation where I feel angry all the time.
I also started therapy with someone who specializes in step families so I can deal with my feelings and he said he would go with me if I wanted him too. So just call me hopeful but painfully aware that it may not go smoothly.
Glad you have some more
Glad you have some more answers on which to base your future decisions. Hopefully things will begin moving in the right direction at a steady pace.
But this concerns me: "I am going to suggest we buy a house that we can rent to him and a roommate. I don't expect him to pay full rent right away as DC area is expensive but I am willing for us to supplement if he is moving in the right direction."
Why in the world would you financially support this situation? Once the SS is in that house, he is probably going to go right back to video game watching. There will be one excuse after another, to include his now-diagnosed medical condition(anxiety/depression). While a diagnosis is helpful, in reality it gives him even more ammunition to hold over his father emotionally. "How can you not help me - I am diagnosed with having depression!"
FWIW, my brother had mental health issues and was diagnosed. On multiple occassions, he was told what he needed to do to be healthy and live a "normal" self-supporting lifestyle, including ongoing therapy and medications. He didn't like that advice so went on living the way he CHOSE to. That meant constant financial and other bail-outs from my parents. They both went to their graves with him on the very same track he was on when he was first diagnosed.
He is now 61 and is still the same. Don't ever assume situations will change - sometimes they don't.
One more thing, expect that
One more thing, expect that your FDH will continue to take care of this "kid" financially for a LONG time, including in his will.
I would not mix my finances with his for that very reason and would tell you to think very carefully before mixing your assets with his for any reason. To include purchasing any property - especially property that may have this "kid" living in it. Perhaps for life.
Besides the relationship counselor, I suggest you contact a good attorney or financial advisor and find out how to protect YOUR assets.
Sorry ... one last bit. Even
Sorry ... one last bit. Even though there were dozens of times my brother appeared to be "moving in the right direction" it never lasted longer than a year or so. He ALWAYS slid back to his basic behavior. So don't be fooled if the SS seems to be doing well for a period of time - it may not be lasting. Be patient and see what happens.
2Tired4Drama has nailed it. I
2Tired4Drama has nailed it. I have lived in a similar situation and she is exactly right.
I understand and thank you
I understand and thank you for your comments. For the property ownership on our rental property (this will be our second one) I have set up an LLC. My property and his property that we currently own and we will rent when we buy a new house together are both titled in each of our names only. I do expect for him to take care of his children in his will. I think if a man has the ability he should take care of his children in his will. I have set myself up to take care of myself when I get older. I will also receive his pension if anything happens to him - which is quite nice. I think for so many people this is a financial situation problem I guess I am lucky in the fact that this is not financially impacting .
As far as supplementing this is the biggest pill for me to swallow. I feel like his son has not been given push or guidance to live on his own. I would no sooner expect him to pay all his rent than I would expect an 18-year-old. I'm not sure if anybody saw the article in New York Times recently that said more 27-year-olds live with their parents then they do with the roommate. I'm trying to make this not happen by giving him education and direction. No doubt those words are written by a woman with no children of her own.
These situations are frustrating for everyone I know. I have to believe each situation is unique. I see other people complaining about how much college cost them for their stepchildren. In that situation I would am so jealous that their stepchildren were going to college and would have an education that would allow them to be self-supporting. I also see baby mama drama which must be horrific. My situation still makes my stomach hurt but I am not going into this blind emotionally or financially. So while I planned for the worst I hope for the best.
I'm glad to see you've
I'm glad to see you've thoroughly considered financial implications and have protected your assets as best you can. Not to be a naysayer, but please do consider what might happen if this kid never does launch.
The reason I brought up the will is because in my brother's case, my father put money for my brother into a trust that I had control over. It was a nightmare! Everytime my brother wanted something that was not covered under the trust, he would give me a hard time for not giving him money.
I also hope your FDH is ready and prepared to pay for health care insurance for his son. One of the things my SO said to me when his son turned 26 was that "If something serious happens to him and he isn't insured, it will bankrupt me." Meaning, he would be willing to spend whatever it took to make sure his son is cared for. At that moment, I was VERY glad that I had not co-mingled any assets with him!
Now, I'm not at all saying that is wrong since it is something that most parents would do for an adult kid if they have the financial means to do so. But if you are married and something like that happens, it could impact your finances/property too. Thankfully, SO's son finally did launch (at the age of 27) and is now employed. He did at least go to college and got a degree in something useful. It just took him 3 years to find a job. Not sure how long it will last but he seems to be on his own wobbly feet. For now anyway.
As you've noticed, there also comes a time when a skid's offspring (grandkids) enter into the picture. At least if his son is spending all his time in his room on videogames, he won't be coming home with an impending birth announcement.
Although he might be ripe for a baby-mama, especially since Dad seems to have bucks and he seems somewhat gullible due to his immaturity.
What will your FDH do in that kind of a scenario? I know you can't worry about every possible eventuality, but in having those kinds of hypothetical conversations, you can find out exactly how far your FDH will go in supporting this kid - and related drama he may bring with him.
The point I'm making is that you NEVER know what the future holds - so be prepared! Best of luck to you ... I'm glad you are considering things carefully.