Looking for advice...
I am the mother to 2 daughters, 17 & 12. I divorced their father 8 years ago. After the divorce, we lived with my parents until 4 years ago. We moved in with my boyfriend of a year (at that time.) Now the boyfriend and I have been together for a total of 5 years. He has no children of his own and when we got together had no desire & then changed his mind - he said being with me made him want to be a parent. I told him the first day we met that I cannot have more children and he was ok with that. He wants to accept my children as his own. My daughter's dad has no contact with them and pays no support.
Lately, things have started to fall apart and I feel like I am in the middle. My girls are good kids, one is a high honor student and the other is sweet & caring but doesn't make honor roll. I admit living with my parents spoiled us -- the girls never had chores til we moved in. My boyfriend does not feel like he is an equal to our family. He works afternoon/night shift during the week, so we only see him on the weekends. He said he is lonely and the kids don't have anything to do with him. They are partly scared of him because lately we can't do anything to satisfy him. The kitchen isn't clean enough, the clothes aren't folded right, his dogs don't get the same treatment as the kid's yorkie (his are outside hunting dogs.) He often tells me that he gave up having his own family to be with me and mine. Everyday he calls on his breaks and has me in tears to the point of a anxiety attack by calling us mother f*#ckers and lazy b#*tches. He says we don't take him seriously and don't respect him. I know I respect him and do not intentionally hurt him or his feelings, as a matter of fact, I walk on eggshells around him. The girls don't talk to him because they don't know what to say. THIS IS NOT THE MAN I MET 5 YEARS AGO! He says we changed him and turned him into this. He says he gave up everything he owned to move to our city (the kid's school district)and that I didn't have to give up anything. Truth is, I didn't have anything but my vehicle and kids. I lost my home in the divorce - he wanted the house and I wanted the kids. My boyfriend did give up his apartment, his hometown, and threw away a lot of stuff to make it fit here. I didn't ask him to do all of that -- we agreed we wanted to build a life together. Lately, my life has been a nightmare. I try to make my kids mind and I think they are minding me, but he doesn't see it that way. I don't know where else to turn. I love this man, but I don't know how to handle his relationship with our 'ready made family.' He says my kids are ruining our relationship. Please, does anyone have advice about helping a relationship make it with kids involved that are not the other person's biological children?
Oh bloody hell, he sounds
Oh bloody hell, he sounds horrid...sorry, my recent partner is horrid too...which is why I can go there :jawdrop:
Anyway the fact that he says such nasty things is just disgusting...how old is this man? He is behaving like a child! I love the way these people blame us and our offspring for their personality problems grrr!
Thank you both. I am trying
Thank you both. I am trying to recall specific incidents but there are a lot. Just yesterday I called him on my lunch break. He had me in tears because the girls didn't clean the kitchen enough the night before. They loaded the dishwasher til it was full and turned it on. They had been cleaning their rooms and did that. The dishwasher wouldn't have been done til almost midnight. They left a few bowls in the sink. And he and I both are guilty of the same thing. They came right in from school and finished it up but not before I got chewed out for it. Also last night my oldest parked beside me in the driveway. He said he had to park on the street because of that. I told him if he would have parked behind me I would have moved his truck to get mine out. He said that wasn't how it was supposed to be and that she directly disrespected him. Truth is, she and I both got caught up in trying to have the house clean and we simply forgot. I feel like we can't make a mistake. I am physically hurting from the stress. I love him and want to make him "feel welcome in his own home" but I don't know what else to do. We come home, they do homework and we make sure chores are done. We've talked about marriage and he says he won't marry me with our life like it is now. I have confronted him to ask if he just wants out and if that is why nothing makes him happy. He tells me no. He says he's put too much into this to have it fail. He says he just wants me to admit that the kids take advantage of us. What kid doesn't at times? When they do, it's not major...just things like grabbing yogurt or sweet talking me into an outfit. I don't see it as taking advantage. I see that they are good kids and I don't mind doing things for them. I like when they are happy. They do have curfews, they complete chores, they for the most part are nice to each other. I just don't see what he sees. He says I'm blinded by my love for them. He says I don't love him like I love them and can't. I tell him my love for him is just as much but is a different love -- he's my partner and they're my children.
Am I blinded by my love for them? He wands to know if he made a mistake by giving up having his own kids... I tell him I can't answer that for him and would love to do that for him - I've even seen a fertility dr and just can't afford the chance to try and see if it works. He says I can give him the kids I already have. Is it really that simple? Can I just give him my kids and them not have a choice? I am just not sure how much more I can take. I love him and I love my kids. I want us to be a family and not feel like tie link that binds us together. I want to be happy with all of them.
This thread lost me at the
This thread lost me at the giving him her children bit.
1) They're kids, not candy; you don't just give them to someone else. Especially not someone who's done such a spectacular job to date.
2) Sorry, but it just seems skeevy to me. Dare I say "pervy?"
Perv is not him at all. He
Perv is not him at all. He wants to be a dad to them.
Just had to set that one straight. I appreciate the other feedback though. I was mainly wanting to see the perspective of the step parent. I've never been in those shoes. I'm certain it's not easy. All our time hasn't been bad, just here in the last month or so. I don't typically ask for advice on this type of forum but I want to try to see it all ways.
Okay. I'm a step parent. My
Okay. I'm a step parent. My ss's behavior when he is with us is just awful. It is *entirely* my DH's fault. I have *never* called my husb a mother effer. Never.
Not when ss knocked/pushed my then 18 mo. old daughter off the play equipment *twice*.
Not when ss commandeered a four seater buggy at Wal-Mart and proceeded to lead us all over Wal-Mart looking for chocolate strudels.
Not when husb allowed ss (who was 9!!!!) to follow me into the women's restroom b/c husb was too lazy to take him himself.
. . . and I could go on.
There is no good reason for him to abuse you. There is no good reason for him to abuse your girls. I understand it can be hard to extricate yourself from a situation, but do it. If you think it's possible for him to change, then move out with the understanding that you're willing to reconcile if certain goals are met. Hash out those goals with him - with a therapist if necessary. And, as Echo suggested, take a good look at it from his perspective. He still has no excuse to abuse you and your girls, but perhaps some of his complaints are legit. Work out with a therapist, good friend, mom, or whomever's judgment you trust those that are and those that aren't. If you can't come to an agreement on what those goals are, then it's just time to move on; you and he just don't see eye-to-eye, and your girls shouldn't be made to suffer for it.
Since you can't change him,
Since you can't change him, change you. Start with your address; from there, progress to your FB relationship status. Finalize the change, with a different phone number. Then breathe.
ETA:
He says I can give him the kids I already have. Is it really that simple?
Holy Christ, woman! Please, tell me you are not actually considering this?!?!
I am a SM. My skids aren't
I am a SM. My skids aren't that bad but it's hard to be the outsider (and that's what I am)and maybe that's what he's feeling. No excuse, though, for calling you names and reducing you to tears. He needs to figure out how to deal with the situation in a better way. Counseling for him?
Why is staying with someone
Why is staying with someone who treats you and your kids like this even an option? You have to protect your kids from that awful man.
Pack your stuff and leave.
One of the things I hated the
One of the things I hated the most about my mother was her ability to be abusive relationships, let men assault her (in front of her children), verbally degrade her, and abuse my younger brother and I. All my brother and I got were excuses from her and her ideas on how we could make the abusive boyfriend happy.
I have and had no respect for my mother. You are showing your children that you don't need respect from your partner and that they probably shouldn't expect it in their future relationships either.
If he's this abusive, get out and stop worrying about what makes him happy. If he's bitter that he didn't have his own kids and so on - that's HIS fault and problem to deal with.
I almost hate to say this,
I almost hate to say this, but when I married my first wife, I wanted children. She didn't. In fact she hated children. I thought I could move past it because I did love her. In the beginning, it was simply embarrassing. All my friends and family knew I wanted children, so when someone would ask "When are you guys having kids?". My (then)wife would jump in and say "No! We're not having kids!". My embarrassment eventually (de)evolved into frustration and that frustration became resentment. I see the same progress here with your boyfriend. No, I never called my ex-wife names or cursed her (oh but she threw plenty of colorful metaphors my way!).
The verbal abuse has to stop.
I would suggest family therapy for you two, but family therapy will only work if BOTH of you are committed to building a life/family together. In order to do that, he needs to get a grip. He sees himself as the martyr; the only one who sacrificed everything to build a family. For my ex-wife and I, it was far too late. The therapist told us that if we saw her a year before we finally decided to do something, it *might* have helped, but the love, respect, and loyalty (cornerstones of a marriage) were already gone. Our therapist recommended a trial-seperation - divorce soon followed.
He is,abusive. Get your
He is,abusive. Get your girls away from him Immediately. WTH ? Please do the right thing.
He is definitely regretting
He is definitely regretting the decision to not have kids. It sounds like he has good intentions when it comes to being a part of the family but he does not have the maturity to pull off a Father figure.
When children are the age of your kids it is often recommended that the step parent not discipline the children and it sounds like he has strict expectations of children but in order for these expectations to work they would have had to be raised with these types of rules from early childhood.
One thing struck me as relatable, the car parking episode. I have three children in my home, all of them driving and we had to lay down some pretty strict rules regarding parking spots etc. At first my skids parked wherever they wanted and I was quite often trapped and unable to get out of the garage, driveway etc. Late for work, meetings and other things as I tried to maneuver past cars and move cars. When you advised BF that you could just move his truck in the morning because your daughter parked in HIS spot it would bring up two feelings to your BF ....1) that you were condoning your daughters parking in HIS spot 2) that his or your time was not important.
Why would your first inclination not be "I will speak with BD and let her know that her parking spot is on the street". This type of response for me always indicated that DH was not valuing himself or myself as the adults in the home and was always putting the needs/wants/whims of the kids before us IN EVERY SITUATION. Really, my skids saved themselves 4 steps by praking in the driveway and they are young and fit and it was really just a metter of laziness! One thing that really peaves a "step" is to see their loved one walked over and not respected as the co-head of the household and I can guarantee that this was how he was feeling.
Based on the rest of your story though I am not sure that this is a relationship worth saving. Next time he would say something about regretting not being a bio parent I would reply with a comment "based on the manner in which you are dealing with my daughters I would not advise that you ever become a bio parent". And seriously he is being super disrespectful to you and your children and I worry that not only are your daughters subject to his abuse but due to the fact that you are staying they will learn to feel that this is the way a man treats the woman he loves and will most likely find a man similar if not exactly like this mean who treats them like a piece of garbage. I KNOW THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT FOR THEM. Please...please do something about it now before they are irreparably damaged by this.