I DON'T "love her like my own"
I just need to vent again, I am sorry.
My DH has unrealistic expectations of me and always has, and yes I should have known better because the signs were there before we were married.
But, as much as he wants me to, I DO NOT love SD11 "as my own". I don't. I never have, I never will.
I love the child. Honestly, I do. But I didn't give birth to her. I haven't known her since she was a baby. I will never "love her like my own".
He just went on a tirade. I had to get onto SD11 AGAIN because she wouldn't brush her teeth. I was gentle this time (didn't yell like I did last night). Nicely said, "can you please go brush your teeth?" and he went on this ridiculous tirade telling me that when she grows up and moves out, we won't have a relationship anymore because of "the way I treat her". Really?? First of all, yes I have to get onto her a lot. But I also hang out with her a LOT. We go shopping, we play board games, we make bracelets, we go for walks. Isn't that what EVERY parent does--you have to get onto your kid, but you also do fun stuff with them? Why am I so evil because I am simply reminding her what needs to be done?
Second, really, I doubt SD11 WILL want to hang out all that much after she's an adult. I'm not her mom, and I'm never going to be in her eyes. Of COURSE she's closer with her dad than she is me; isn't this typical in step families?
Unlike DH who works all the time and is NEVER HOME, I actually am there to talk to her, play with her, have fun, etc. He's not, so how dare he say what our relationship is when he's never home?
He expects me to be a parent, but I guess I'm not allowed to get onto her for anything. Anyways, yes, I love her, but no, I will never love her like my own. I'm sorry. I didn't give birth to her. I don't have any bio kids, and I never will because DH tricked me...before we were married he said I could have a child, but now he's changed his tune and told me I'm a terrible stepmom and I don't deserve kids, so I will never have the joy of having my own child.
Honestly, I think I was tricked into this marriage. I do not believe that he married me to have a wife, lover, best friend, share the head of household. I believe he wanted free child care and a bigger paycheck. Everything I do is wrong to him. EVERYTHING. He henpecks me every day. He lets SD11 make more decisions in the house than me, or lets her share in decisions that are NONE of her damn business.
^ Uh, seriously yes. Listen
^ Uh, seriously yes. Listen to her.
Is this douche REALLY worth resigning yourself to NEVER being a parent? Don't you hear how heinously ABUSIVE a statement like that is?
OMG... RUN
^^^^^very true!!!!
^^^^^very true!!!!
"but now he's changed his
"but now he's changed his tune and told me I'm a terrible stepmom and I don't deserve kids"
That is downright abusive. He lulled you into the marriage with promises of this future happy family you were going to have and then killed that dream as some sort of punishment for your (in his eyes) inability to parent HIS kid right!! I agree with several replies above, he is the bad parent, what parent does not tell their kids to brush their teeth, say please and thank you, tidy after themselves etc? It is a proven fact that children thrive in a stable house with rules and guidelines rather than being left to figure it out on their own.
You deserve better than him.
On another note, I have an adopted child, bio kid and skids and I can tell you that it IS possible to love a child that you did not give birth to like they were your own. Loving is a choice and the depth of that love is also a choice. Maybe if you felt that you were a partner in the adult relationship in this family with the full backing of your husband and were not made to feel the resentment you must feel (a little) towards SD because Hubby is acting like such an ass and putting skid issues in between the two of you, you would feel free to love this child a little more openly.
"but now he's changed his
"but now he's changed his tune and told me I'm a terrible stepmom and I don't deserve kids, so I will never have the joy of having my own child."
Wow!! Just wow!! Run, don't walk to a divorce lawyer now. This is abusive on so many levels. He only thinks you're a horrible stepmom because you're a better parent than him. Simple. He wants power and control over you - and he currently has it.
I was 34 when I got married and my husband was 37 (first marriage for both of us). I told him upfront I wanted my own bio kids if I was going to be raising my SS7 (then just turned 5). It was a deal breaker for me. I'm expecting my first this month. No way in hell would I let a man decide based off his screwed up mentality whether I would be a mom or not.
Your DH is an absolute asshole.
Grr, the terrible step mum
Grr, the terrible step mum thing is something my partner told me...it hurt me so much, until I realised how jealous he is of my relationship with bio son..in all likelihood he tells you that shit so you don't leave him to find a fabulous guy who will give you children. You must mother his child, how dare you wish for your own....grr making me cranky! And btw I am the worlds biggest nag with my son re teeth, eating, manners, cleaning up all of it. How do they learn if you don't give them expectations.
{{{{Hugs}}}} I am hoping and
{{{{Hugs}}}}
I am hoping and praying you will find the strength you need to be true to yourself.
How can ANYBODY expecting
How can ANYBODY expecting stepmoms to love their step children like their own? It doesn't even make sense.
It is like automatically loving another kid walking in the shopping mall, it is humanly impossible.
It looks like your husband
It looks like your husband only cares about having a relationship with his daughter. Well, if he cares about her so much, why is he always so busy and is never around.
He wants you to play the nice mommy role while he is out somewhere pursuing his career and fulfilling his own dream. He seems like a very selfish, self centered, and cruel person.
I think your first and foremost priority is your own emotional and physical well being. Stop worrying about this crappy situation, start thinking and taking care of yourself. Like everybody else always pointed out, life is too short to waste.