Somewhat O/T but "Mommy Guilt" questions
Does anyone else have what I've dubbed as Mommy Guilt resulting from your divorce or separation? exH and I have been divorced for 2 years and separated for several months prior to that. We weren't happy, he wasn't a terrible man but we didn't function well together. We argued a lot but it was never HORRIBLE but we didn't love each other the way that married couples should. I probably could have suffered through it for my kids. Now he has a girlfriend who he lives with who I really don't like but I feel like that probably comes with the territory. Although who he dates is none of my business so I keep my mouth shut obviously. I also have a wonderful FDH who is amazing with my kids. I am blessed because he literally treats them like his own kids and my kids adore him as well.
I can't help but always feeling guilty though. My kids are torn back and forth for custody and they don't want to leave their home to go to their Dad's then according to exH they don't want to leave his house to come home. My kids miss their dad, they are young 5 and 2 but talk about their Dad a lot. I feel like if I would have tried harder or done something differently I could have kept our family in tact. The thing is though is now I am happy. I made the choice to do something to make myself happy which has made me a better mother in general. I don't dread everyday I don't dread 5:00 when my exH used to come home from work and the "vibe" in our home is much healthier and happier as well. I just feel selfish that I made this choice and it's probably not what my children wanted but for my own happiness is in their best interest.
If anybody has experienced this does it get better? I hate feeling riddled with guilt. I hate that my kids have 2 homes even though their only with their dad every other weekend for overnights and one visit during the week. I hate that I feel like I am always in some sort of silent competition to have the best home, the most fun outings, the better environment for them overall. I don't want to feel like this forever. I love my children more than anything and I feel like I've somehow let them down.
Truthfully, I don't
Truthfully, I don't understand why so many biological parents feel so much guilt over their children having two families to love them. What the heck is so wrong with having two homes to go to? (I grew up this way)
However, the disclaimer that comes with that statement means that the parents have to be 1. over each other, and 2. no animosity remaining between them. The problems seem to arise when one or more of the parents is trying to control the other family and how they do their thing... And then if you add bitter stepparents to the mix, of course that can't be good for children.
Now, I will also add that I have seen this work very well when the parent who has the child, takes time to be with that child while they are there with them. It doesn't work if your child comes to stay at your home, but you go on living your life and go out with friends etc. leaving them with babysitters. In my opinion, you save your own personal going out time for the days that you don't have your kids. When they are with you, just let them be with YOU.
And oh my goodness, please don't think that you're in competition with their dad's house! You'll drive yourself crazy doing that! The sooner you can stop caring about what they do at dad's place, the better off you will be. That is a green-eyed monster that you do not want in your life! Your kids will benefit from you being a happier person, more than they ever would have benefited from you staying in an unhappy marriage. (Especially because in your unhappy marriage they would not have witnessed the appropriate amount of love between their parents, but hopefully they are seeing love between you and your new significant other - don't underestimate the impact a loving relationship between adults can have on your children!)
I actually found that I appreciated the time with my children more when I had to share them 50/50 with other parents. We never made plans to go out without the kids on the time that we had the children. Now they are older, and they want to start making plans to see their friends - so we spend less time together, and I think that is important as well. Need to grow their own wings now!
I wish I didn't feel guilty
I wish I didn't feel guilty too and I wish I understood it a little better. I make my kids the center of my universe when I have them. Although with me having them full time I bear all the weight of raising children like everyone else. I feel like when they are with their Dad they just get to have fun but when they are at home they have responsibilities, discipline, all the things that I want for them to be productive members of society when the time comes. Plus they are getting into the ages of when they are in trouble at home they want to go to Daddy's or they're "telling daddy" on me when I'm "mean". Lol.
I do know that they are better off seeing healthy relationships. I know the relationship my ex has with his girlfriend is not a healthy one from what he's slipped and told me on occasion and from what our mutual friends have told me. I worry about what they see over there but that is getting better with time.
Luckily for our whole family unit my exH and I have a decent relationship. We are friendly with each other and when we do have the occasional blow up the kids never see it. I hope it continues to stay that way because our divorce was messy with a lot of animosity.
that. We weren't happy, he
that. We weren't happy, he wasn't a terrible man but we didn't function well together. We argued a lot but it was never HORRIBLE but we didn't love each other the way that married couples should.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I probably would have stayed in this marriage. I never wanted my kids to be tugged between homes. It is a terrible way to live. Thankfully, my ex was pretty much out of the picture after the divorce so it was not an issue. Some people think I am awful for saying it was better with him out of picture since they did not grow up with a dad.
BBUUUUTTTT!!! My kids did not have to live in two different places. They did not have to put up with parents and SP's fighting over who is the better home. They did not have any guilty parents competing for them. They were never PAS'ed.
All I have to do is look at this site and be grateful that my kids did not have to put up with what a lot of skids go through. It is terrible.
I think that is where some of
I think that is where some of the guilt comes from. I probably could have stuck it out had it not gotten any worse but I don't know if my kids would have been better off. I came from an in tact home but my parents clearly did not love each other. They never did anything together, I never saw any affection between the two of them, they basically just coexisted in the same house like roommates and they probably should have divorced and found their happiness. Because of this I feel like I have a slanted view of what a happy marriage should be. I just assumed when I was with my exH is that is how it is supposed to be. Now I know it can be different. I know that there can be true love and happiness that fills a home. Not just silent dinners and mindless tv watching every night with no real relationship, love, or communication.
A family friend of mine came from a divorced home and she gave me the great advice to always say good things about my exH to my kids. Not just avoid the topic of him, not just never say anything negative but to say positive things. I couldn't do this in the beginning so I just kept my mouth shut. Now I make it a point to talk highly of their Dad to them so that they never have to feel the guilt of loving one of us more or liking a home more. That is the least I can do for them is to always take the high road even if it means putting my emotions and feelings aside so that they can have the most normal life possible.
I see it exactly opposite.
I see it exactly opposite. My home is not filled with romantic love 24/7. DH and I are more like business partners in the running of our household. (We rely on date night to remind us we still got our groove). But overall, our home is probably a lot more child centric than some people would feel comfortable. Maybe that is a disservice to our children and ourselves, but I'll take my chances. Maybe we live a boring, quiet life. It might even look like an unfulfilling life to some as I am a SAHM. Maybe my relationship with DH is not all fireworks. But we are kind to eachother, respect eachother and show affection. I hope my girls will recognize true love when they see it. We've made it 15 years. That is three times as long as my parent's marriage. Hopefully we will make it as far as DHs parents. We made the conscious decision to bring two lives into the world and I'm going to fight like hell to protect their childhood from any turmoil (over which I have any reasonable control).
If you know in your heart that you have made the right decision for your family (that includes your own happiness), then you have no reason to feel guilty. Just that you have the self awareness to question it lets me know you are an excellent parent.
I am a failed step mother and
I am a failed step mother and a successful step daughter to a SM and a SF. And I am closer to one of my father's exgirlfriend's than my own mother!
Make sense?
That was a very selfish and
That was a very selfish and shortsighted thing for your ex to do. Particularly in a small town. It's no wonder you couldn't stay there. Does she accuse you of "abandoning" the children?
Going to your church has to
Going to your church has to be one of the most evil things. I'm sure your kids see through it. I would not want to be her in a couple of years when their wrath if fully formed.
My FDH is very wise in this
My FDH is very wise in this department and he reminds me constantly that the guilt will pass - he's a little older than I and has already done the divorce custody issues. I am glad I am not alone (not that I want others to feel this way though). I am at least thankful that I am in a relationship now that is grounded, mature, supportive, and very selfless. My marriage was none of those things.
My FDH's ex wife had a long term affair and it still effects him to this day. Although somehow after 10 years or so they've managed to be friendly with each other and their children (my steps) are very well adjusted good "normal" kids. I can't imagine it being easy to have to coparent with someone that completely destroyed you then rubbed it in your face like that.
I also think you should have
I also think you should have stayed until the kids were grown. I don't believe there are any unwounded children from a divorce. Adults who say they're a well adjusted product of a broken family don't have any real feeling for NOT living in a different environment. They made the best of a bad situation and I'm glad they're functioning adults. Many can't make the transition.
But its done now. Don't become a "Disneyland Mother" trying to compete. First you've got the advantage of being Mommy. Daddy's can't compete with that as hard as they may try. Biology is working against them. Just be a normal mother but when high school looms make it clear to the kids that if they want to try living with Dad its OK with you. Girls generally don't and boys generally do given a choice but there are plenty of exceptions.
I know my children are
I know my children are wounded but all I am trying to do now is let the wounds heal naturally without forcing anything on them. I encourage them to discuss their feelings with me and whenever they are missing Daddy we talk about him, or look at pictures, or call him if it's an "approved" time. We have some issues with his girlfriend and we are only allowed to contact him during certain times of the day as to not encroach on her time. Although shes a topic for a different day! Haha. I don't want my children to have to make the best of a bad situation I want to only provide them with the best situation I can and if I would have stayed with him I do believe they would have seen the unhappiness and I do believe to an extent it's better for children to be from a broken home than in one.
And believe me, I will never be a Disney Mom. Internally I feel like I am competing with them but in no way shape or form will I be raising entitled brats who think everything comes to them on a silver platter!
I do agree with you that I have biology on my side, which is very sad for the Dad's in most cases because they don't always get a fair shot although some Dad's (and Mom's) for that matter don't always deserve a fair shot. I just hope that I can always foster that relationship with their Dad and that outside influences (his gf) don't intervene. She's convinced him to give up most of his custody days coming from almost 50/50 custody to 4 days a month. This makes me feel guilty too that if I would have stuck it out then he wouldn't have met her and wouldn't been in the situation to give up custody, etc. It's a never ending downward cycle...
I just hate that my oldest will barely remember a family where Daddy was with us and my youngest never will. Luckily their step dad is very involved (without stepping on bio dad's toes) and he's a very positive male role model for them.
I feel guilt at times. Your
I feel guilt at times. Your story is similar to mine.
I say about my Ex- we were good as a family, but not as a couple. He wasn't a terrible man but there was cheating and abuse at times. So it's best we broke up.
I have forgiven him for the past. I had to in order to move on with my life and give our BS8 a good life. He did a lot of things towards the end of our relationship and the first year of us being broke up that was really awful and he probably doesn't deserve how kind and nice I have been.
I am in love with my DH. My life is 150% better then it was when I was with my Ex. every single aspect of my life is better. And it's def. better for BS. He can't always see it because he does miss his Dad and having him around, but when he is older he will see how much better it was for all of us.
I feel guilt at times because my DH will never love BS as his own and share those moments that only a Bio parent understands. So I get sad about that at times. There is always the skid issue. When you divorce and then re-marry or have another family there are more issues and factors that are added on to your life and your bios life.
I dont think anyone can truly understand it unless they deal with it. I dont think everyone feels this way but I dont think it's wrong to feel this way at times.
Parenting is hard, relationships are hard and when you add factors of divorce and custody, etc it's hard on everyone.
This is very encouraging
This is very encouraging thank you! Does your BS have a good relationship with his bio dad? That is how I feel about my ex. He wasn't terrible however he wasn't good either. I always felt like I had 3 kids and he was an functioning alcoholic. Not an abusive alcoholic but the kind that would rather drink than do basically anything else. He admittedly had no interest in quitting drinking and that was the final straw for me. I saw the type of person he could be after we separated though and through divorce proceedings and I wonder why I even married him sometimes but if I hadn't I would have my kids and the thought of that is too much.
And I couldn't have said that better myself. "Parenting is hard, relationships are hard..." it's so true.
abugandabean- Same here with
abugandabean- Same here with the functioning alcoholic.
Yes my BS has a good relationship with his biodad. He knows his home is with me and DH. It's his safe place. He knows we will take care of his needs. But he still loves his dad. His dad is the fun parent.
I dont ever regret leaving my Ex. It makes me sad. It makes me feel bad at times but I dont regret it. I tried for 6 years to make it work with my Ex. I was giving up a part of myself every single day by staying in that relationship.
What I did regret was that I was so busy dealing with my Ex and his issues and problems and the issues that he brought on us (the family unit) that my time and energy was taken away from my son. I missed my son's early years because I was so busy with dealing with my Ex. I was depressed (I didnt realize it until AFTER we split up) and stressed and sad all the time. It makes me sad to think I missed out on a lot. I was there physically for my son but not in ways emotionally. Because my Ex was screwing with my mental state.
Like you, I could have stayed and just dealt with things. They weren't so bad. But that is what I thought at the time. Now that I have really lived life. Now that I am in a marriage that is happy and healthy, OMG THIS is what life is about. Yes I have step issues and blended family issues but I will take those over the issues I had before.
Divorce sucks period. Its the kids that suffer the most. I believe that 100%. But kids are resilent. They can bounce back and learn to adjust. I think as an adult to suffer through an unhappy marriage that sucks the life out of you and leaves in an awful state mentally and emotionally is just as bad on your children.
My BS is happier. I can see it in him. He is 8 so of course he wants his parents together and happy and the big one happy family. That is natural. But I have seen a change in him as he has grown and matured. I am confident that he will see it for the best when he is older.
It helps that DH loves BS, has stepped into that father role and BS respects him and we have harmony in our home as far as me, DH and BS are concerned. Also I am cordial with my Ex. I dont cause him issues, he doesnt cause me issues. We work together when it comes to BS.
How long have you been divorced? It's been almost 4 years for me. Almost 3 years since I have been with DH. It gets easier as time goes on.
(((HUGS)))