Well, NOW I've done it...
My blood went past the point of boiling and it takes a LOT to get me that mad. SD24 has been jealous and nasty toward me and my two kids since the day we met (she was 15 then). SD24 is getting married next year and asked DH for $$ to pay for the venue. (Mind you, she's been living with her boyfriend for 6 years now, so I don't really understand the need to throw a big wedding anyway.) We don't have very much money, but we agreed to offer her $1,000 for the hall. This is a strain on our finances, but we want to contribute what we can. She has been dropping hints directly to me (not DH) that this is not enough money, yet never gives us the courtesy to approach us maturely about the budget. Several times she's posted publicly to everyone on Facebook that she is paying for her entire wedding herself. Yesterday this came to a boiling point, when she specifically pointed out how she can't afford a reception hall because she has to pay for this whole wedding herself and maybe she could breathe if someone would actually help her pay for things. She said she's not trying to be "Bridezilla" or anything, but can she just have one thing she wants? WTH???? I was so angry I was shaking. I completely lost it. Usually I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace between myself and DH, but I shot off an immediate PRIVATE message to SD24 telling her how RUDE it is to post how NO ONE is helping her pay for the wedding when we just offered her money. I told her she ought to be grateful for any help she gets and how hurt her dad was going to be when he sees her post. I told her I realize this would probably ruin whatever we have left of our relationship, but it's not right to treat people like this, especially her dad. SD24 response was to tell me that I'm extremely judgmental and this is why our relationship is the way it is, all because of me. She told me never to talk to her again. DH has a previously purchased plane ticket to visit her next month and she told him that she needs to talk with him about "his wife" when he goes there to see her. SD24 told DH she wants nothing to do with me ever again, and that I have no business acting like her "mom". DH never admonishes her bad behavior for fear of rejection, but I just can't tolerate it anymore! Did I over-step a boundary by speaking up? Am I a horrible judgmental person? I'm so tired of BM and DH teaching her that her spoiled temper tantrums are okay either by purposely encouraging them (BM) or turning a blind eye (DH).
Ahhh you were bound to be
Ahhh you were bound to be blamed anyways... Hopefully at least you feel better now.
I don't think you were in the
I don't think you were in the wrong. In the future though, don't be friends with her on Facebook. Unfriend and block her. Adjust your settings so you can't see what she says.
That said, you were absolutely within your rights to make your feelings known to her. Especially if she knew/knows finances are tight for you guys right now. She sounds like an insensitive person.
No you were not out of line.
No you were not out of line. You were probably in the wrong on one point though. You took far to long to put the rude little bitch in her place.
My suggestion to you if it's not too late, is not to act sheepish or contrite over this to dh. Stand strong and tell him if he'd done hs jb as a parent properly you wouldn't have had to do to for him. And, if he thinks your prepared to put up with him being summoned by sd to discuss his wife, he'd better think again. The only thing left to be discussed by him with Sd, is her publically humiliating you and him on Facebook.
You've done it now. You were right to do so. Stand your ground. This nonsense of defacto couples expecting other people to pay for the big white virgin wedding is bullshit. She's a common law wife living in a defacto relationship, daddy is an idiot for paying anything towards her wedding.
Hopefully you haven't given
Hopefully you haven't given her the grand yet. If not insist that husband tell her its not forthcoming. Many kids now-a-days are not even asking as in reality the brides parents paying for the wedding is just a form of dowry which is insulting to the bride in todays western world.
Absolutely make a post to her Facebook page and then withdraw friendship and never go back. Block her from all social sites of your own as well as email and phone (ask your cell provider how to do this).
If you have a cell phone or
If you have a cell phone or camera, take a pic of the post on facebook in case she deletes it or save a copy to your documents on your computer. That way you are assured your DH reads this. She could delete it.
Sorry, this sounds waaaaaay too familiar.
No way were you out of line.
No way were you out of line. I can see biting your tongue when kids are kids but she is no kid, she is a grown adult and if she wants to lie about your contribution on FB knowing you and your husband can see it, she shouldn't expect the replies to be all sunshine and flowers. I so hope you didn't send the check yet and that your husband will back you on at the very least cutting it in half. But if not, let that be the very last dime she ever gets from you both. After all, she will be a married woman, let her husband deal with her. And as someone else said, think of this as a good thing, you never ever again have to be near her. good riddance.
You did not overstep and you
You did not overstep and you are not judgmental.
Since she claims she is paying for the entire wedding herself, I would take that to mean that she declines the offer of the $1000.00.
Big weddings are a waste of money, in my opinion, but at 24 and having lived with her BF for 6 years, you would think they would have saved some of their own money to put towards it.
Once I moved out of my dad's house, I didn't expect him to pay for anything. He paid for my sister's wedding so it's not like he wasn't willing, but she did not demand a certain amount and she worked within his budget. We were not raised to be entitled little bitches, so maybe that's the difference.
I think a grown woman should be grateful for any amount that anybody is willing to help her with, or she should just shut up.
You are so lucky she doesn't
You are so lucky she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. If your DH does not support you to SD separate finances as soon as possible. That way if he caves in again HE will be footing the bill. Too bad you couldn't write a 'public' reply on her facebook page. She sounds like my SD - totally entitled and obnoxious. Is she an only child?
You nailed it....she's an
You nailed it....she's an only child
That's it. I'm going to send
That's it. I'm going to send my SO to this site. Too many of us go through the SAME situations. I felt so isolated and alone before coming here. SO and I have, in addition to paying (MORE than enough) child support, doled out gas money, paid for cell phone bills, purchased prom dresses, sports equipment, but SO is commonly referred to on social media as the "sperm donor". Oh, and I'm the psycho b**** because I didn't allow the OSD to tell her father to go effffff himself in my house. And NOW OSD is acting all nice and kissing up because she's expecting an engagement ring any day. I'm sure she's expecting Daddy to foot the bill for the elaborate princess wedding she "deserves". Ugh.
It's HER wedding - it's HER
It's HER wedding - it's HER expense.
Whatever anyone is willing to gift her, should be enough. What a bitch.
You did the right thing and in the future I wouldn't give her a dime towards anything else.
Lol, did she ask you to pay
Lol, did she ask you to pay for anything for her wedding or did she ask her parent? Your obligations to her are zero, and while you have joint financials with her actual parent, you're not her parent. The decision to give $1,000 was made jointly between you and your SO, but the request was made to her parent. Your opinion was not requested and was not well received in an already strained relationship.
northstreet, you are 100%
northstreet, you are 100% right. She should not have lied on social media to try to strong arm her dad for more money. You were right to call her on it. You handled it far better than I would have. IF DH gives her any additional money, he will teach her that it is OK and profitable to behave this way.
We bought OSD's dress for
We bought OSD's dress for her. She never came straight out and asked for more, but like you, a lot of Facebook references to how broke she was and how stressed she was, etc. she did simplify a little, at constant urging from me and her aunt, who paid to have it catered (sandwich trays, potato salad, that kind of thing) because SD and her husband were both making minimum wage and just didn't get you can't do champagne on beer budget. There was lots of poor me over that. Of course BM contributed zero. At this time she was on the outs and the woman didn't even show up for her own kid's wedding.
It was hard for me to have alot of sympathy, honestly. Mind you, when I married her dad we were broke and I spent $125 on my j.c. Penneys dress and that was pushing it. We kept it simple (read cheap!) and my friends and I catered it with simple finger foods and the reception was in our church basement. it wasnt my dream wedding but it sure was nice having a nice egg to put down on pur first house. I didn't dream of begging money off of anyone, to include my dad. He did take me and my new hubs, along with my family, out to a really fancy shmancy dinner out. It was a fabulous treat.
You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. Basic kindergarten life lessons these adults don't understand.
"You get what you get, you
"You get what you get, you don't throw a fit" I LOVE THIS
LOL! That saying is what
LOL! That saying is what they taught my kids in their pre-school! Still applies!
On the positive side,
On the positive side, Northstreet, consider this: Imagine what all her FB friends think of her self-centered whining! I can bet they are thinking the same thing all of us here are - what a bunch of crap and what a spoiled whiney bitch. I'm sure there are a good number of her "friends" who are paying their own way in life, or have been raised to be self-sufficient. And when they look at her posts they are probably as disgusted as you and us. The only thing she is succeeding at is making herself look like a jackass to the world.
Unless all of her friends are
Unless all of her friends are just like her. If so, they are buying her woe is me crap and giving her the pity party she wants. Hey, maybe they can pay for her wedding.
My SD19 is always whining on
My SD19 is always whining on FB about being broke and how mean we are and I just happen to know a few of her peers parents, their kids are friends with SD on FB and even though they never reply to her posts negatively it is their parents who tell me privately how annoyed they get seeing her posts, and she has lost a few friends every time she posts crap like that, so believe me, there are kids out there that don't appreciate seeing their peers whine about not getting money - there are a few who know what it's like to pay their own way.
Yes, what does DH think? 'Cuz
Yes, what does DH think? 'Cuz that could be a problem.
You certainly did not do the
You certainly did not do the wrong thing. So often theses stepdaughters manipulate theirs fathers into anything they want, knowing their dads are scared of losing them. The old saying is the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, quite often the mother of SD will be of like nature. Chin up Northstreet, I'm going through a similar down on myself for losing it also, but so many people on this forum have made me realise we are only human
Well...DH says he will stand
Well...DH says he will stand by me...but he's already trying to figure out just the right words to say to her next month ( yes he's still taking the plane trip to see her) where she wont get mad at him. So honestly I have serious doubts about the effectiveness of his "talk" with her. I have stressed to him that if he agrees with any of her negativity toward me she will never respect me and he can kiss any chance of us having a relationship goodbye. She already sent him text messages asking if his wife went onto his facebook account to delete their friendship connection because she was supposedly deleted. As if I have the time or interest in being so immature. But I see how the retaliation is going to be....it will be a miracle if he still wants to be married to me after she gets a hold of him for their talk. I hope he has enough sense to see through her bull$#!@...
Thank you all so much for your support and input! I feel much more confident and at peace with my decision to express my displeasure with her even though the consequences have, so far, been unpleasant...
It will be a miracle if YOU
It will be a miracle if YOU still want to be married to HIM if he caves in his talk with her. He has already caved by even having this open for discussion and flying to her for a visit knowing what she wants the visit for.
DH and I have agreed that our
DH and I have agreed that our relationship is not open to discussion with his kids, or mine. Why we had to make an agreement is telling. Slowly but surely we are dismantling mini wife (this applies to both SD and SS) behaviors and expectations. And you know what? We are ALL happier with DH acting like a PARENT instead of a scared Disney Dad.
And I even like my skids. Most of the time.
Ask him if he could pick his
Ask him if he could pick his balls up while he's there, as now she s getting married she should have no need for two sets.
You did the right thing. If he's so scared of her that's hs problem, don't make it yours. Cut her out of your life. Your dh won't be able to deal with her on his own, they never can. You won't have to attend her wedding, but you make damn sure you have plans with family or friends while he attends it. Have a weekend away, anything but let him and her think you are sitting home alone.
Absolutely
Absolutely
wonderful advice
wonderful advice
Update on the situation...my
Update on the situation...my SD sent daddy a message telling him since the day we got married I've done nothing but assume things about her, judge her, and stick my nose in her business, his (my husband') business and her mother's business. WHAT?? I've never once asked about her mother or even volunteered an opinion about her mother to her. Even when she came to me bitching about her mother. Because, let's be honest, I couldn't give a damn about BM! I'm certainly not perfect, but thinking back on all the nice things I tried to do to bond with my SD (which was met with rolling eyes), things I've bought her (never met with a "thank you"), things I've done FOR her, I feel I've been completely used. Somehow the nice gestures I've made through the years have been spun into me "sticking my nose into her business" since the day I married her dad. And does she REALLY think I shouldn't have an interest in my own husband's business? I doubt she feels she's not entitled to an interest in her fiance's business!
What was DH's reply to her?
What was DH's reply to her? Does he expect her to respect you in your home?
I asked if your SD is an only child because she acts so much like my SD and I have had the same sort of accusations pointed at me. Ask your DH for specifics such as when he has ever witnessed a time when you have actually done these things. Also, I am sure there are other people who have seen the rolling eyes and lack of appreciation for what you have done for her. Ask him to tell you specifically how you have stuck your nose in her business or BM's.
+
Since she doesn't seem to want you in her life, let her have her wish. She is a narcissist. Nothing you will ever do will be good enough. Let DH handle it. Let HIM purchase all presents and cards for her. Let HIM do all communications with her.
I think I've been sad over
I think I've been sad over the loss of what "could have been" more than anything. Deep down I've always felt sorry for my SD and wanted to be the neutral person she could go to when the irrational people in her life let her down. I love my husband dearly, but let's face it...he's a Disney Dad. He and her mother split up when she was 2 so she doesn't even remember them being together. They fought over her like cats and dogs, trying to out-do the other to prove they were the better parent. Her BM is her best friend...they get drunk together on the weekends, I'm sure her mom supplies the weed 1/2 the time. Her dad never disciplined my SD growing up because he wanted to be the "home team" as he puts it. His ultitmate goal was to be the parent she loved the most. It's all so sick and dysfunctional and in the end my SD lost out on a healthy relationship with either one. But I've come to the realization that I can't swoop in and save any of them from themselves, so I'm done. Thanks for helping me put it all in perspective.
you have to put the safety
you have to put the safety and well-being of your other children above anything else. I can't imagine having to wonder if my young child had been molested because of the actions or inaction of a stepchild. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps me to see that things could be worse and that I'm not alone. I pray that your stepchildren will grow up and mature, and realize that they must be responsible for their own behaviors, without putting off the consequences onto others. I'm sure they know you're not a brainwashing bitch. It's much easier to call other people names to take the focus off themselves. Good luck with your situation
I think I see signs that my
I think I see signs that my DH might be growing a bigger pair. When we were making arrangements to book a hotel room for his visit to see his daughter...I told him, "I've been thinking. I know you told your daughter that you would talk when you go there, but maybe you should keep it simple. Tell her, 'you don't have to like northstreet, but she's my wife and I expect you to respect her.' and leave it at that." He agreed that it's a good idea. I said, maybe one day she'll forgive me but that will have to be her choice. Then he said to me, "Forgive YOU? What does she have to forgive YOU for? I'll tell her, maybe one day my WIFE will forgive HER!" Maybe he's starting to see the bigger picture.
HA, I don't have unrealistic
HA, I don't have unrealistic expectations of him following through once he gets there. But at least this was nice to hear from him. I'm shutting myself off from it now. No more mention of her name from me. He knows how I feel, I'm at peace with that. I don't have plans to even ask him how it went after he goes to see her. In the big picture, it doesn't really matter, because I won't have a relationship with her anymore anyway. I don't see a dysfunctional relationship that took 24 years to make turn around overnight even if he did stand up to her. His mess is his mess. My mother always taught me to clean up my own mess. I didn't make it so I shouldn't have to clean it up =).
Oh, this was sooooooo helpful
Oh, this was sooooooo helpful to hear! I didn't think of it like this before, but it actually makes perfect sense. My DH is a simple man. And he HATES confrontation with anyone...even other family members that have nothing to do with our step situation. He will explode on someone if he keeps getting badgered, but for the most part, he avoids conflict at all cost. THANK YOU THANK YOU for helping me to see it this way!
This is a little off track,
This is a little off track, but this post just had me thinking about young men and women of today.
The tradition of daddy paying for a wedding began in years gone by when women were a financial burden on a man, when women weren't allowed to work and had to be kept first by her father then her husband. Hence daddy handing over his daughter and a dowry and 5 cows as way of thanking the guy for taking over that financial responsibility. Women then, left their fathers house to be married.
Now, today women work, often daddy has paid for an expensive education, (there's your modern day dowry), and women can earn as much and sometimes more than a man. Women, move in with as many men as they like and try out one or two or 22 if they want before they marry.
In modern times though many young people want it all. They want to live as a married couple sometimes for years before they marry. Then they expect daddy to pick up the tab, interestingly the men they live with have no shame in accepting this either. They to seem to think it's acceptable. I don't think a man who expects another man to pay for his wedding in this day and age is a man.
The other issue today and again. It's just more entitlement attitude. An engagement, is a promise of a marriage to come. Rings and gifts are given based on the promise of marriage. If I give you a toaster to help you set up your home when you get married. I don't expect you to use it when your shacking up with Tom, then expect another gift for your next engagement when you and Tom fall apart and Freddy is the man of the moment. If you break that promise, gifts that were given to you, cash or toasters etc., are supposed to be sent back to the person who gave them to you. These days they open up the gifts and use them. The marriage doesn't take place and they get a toaster, cash, etc. for nothing. Who do they think they are keeping gifts that were intended to help them set up a home together based on the fact they told us they were getting married. Now I wonder, do they think if they told people we are going to shack up together and try before we buy, that we would hand over cash and presents. NO! If you were honest, we wouldn't give you presents for moving in together. So what makes you think it's okay to keep the engagement presents and cash yet never marry.
I don't know how common it is
I don't know how common it is in skids, but my SD did it too. When we first got married she would ask if I wanted to go to the mall like WE were going to have fuin shopping together. I would wind up driving her and her friend to the mall and they would dump me right away. Fine with me. But later on, her friend told me she said some horrible things about me. After that I was not so willing to take her shopping. Her loss.
I've done plenty for my SD,
I've done plenty for my SD, sometimes she asked, sometimes not. When I first met my SD, she was 15 and I used to work in a salon as a hairstylist. She had no problem asking me for free highlights. She really took advantage of me, but I was still getting to know her, so I obliged. A few years ago, DH and I took a road trip (traveled almost 3,000 miles to see her)and SD was casually discussing how she needed her hair done. SD's boyfriend (excuse me, fiance) blurted out, "you should have northstreet do it for you while she's here" I responded with, "I really don't do hair anymore". SD promptly rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sure northstreet doesn't want to do hair while she's on VACATION anyway..." I just ignored it. Our last night there DH had arranged to spend the evening with just her. She got off work early and called to tell him she was ready to go. He told her that he was finishing up eating dinner with me and my bio daughter and he would call her when he was ready to pick her up. Well this pissed SD off and she ignored his calls the rest of the night. DH never even got to say goodbye to her, as she refused to see him. When we arrived home 3 days later we came home to a scathing email from SD telling DH "how dare he take his wife and her kid to dinner when she had been WAITING for him to pick HER up." She told him that all we did while we were there was what his wife wanted to do, when in actuality I sat in the motel room with my bio daugher by ourselves most of the time. She told her dad that he spends all his money on my kids and he abandoned her when we moved away, when in actuality she had agreed to moved here with us, but backed out at the last minute. The only reason we moved where we did was to be able to afford a house where she could have her own room. She is the most entitled, spoiled, jealous, mean-spirited person I've ever met. What I have learned through all of this is that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I tried in the past to have a heart to heart with her, she said she would try to work on our relationship and even said she knows "communication is key". Well...she only sent me ONE message after that, asking how I've been. The ONLY time she ever made an effort. If she was being honest when she said that she wanted to work on stuff with me, I wouldn't still be the only one making an effort and she wouldn't have told me to never speak to her again after saying something to make her mad.
DH and SD have been exchanging comments on FB about how excited they are for his upcoming trip to see her. PUKE GAG PUKE. I wish it was easier to disengage, it just hurts that I got treated like cow dung and now DH and SD get to go off and celebrate their dysfunctional love for eachother. I'm sure DH's FB comments are his way to deflect the upcoming "talk" she's going to have with him. SD's messages are meant to be a direct slap in my face. Oh well, not much I can do about it. Time to get re-interested in a hobby for myself I guess.
This is a really good
This is a really good idea...have been thinking of things to do with my kids while DH is with his daughter...thanks for the suggestion
I did like you and finally
I did like you and finally had it after so many years of disrespect and hate from my stepsons. Stepson did just like your step daughter and said he wanted nothing more to do with me (and his dad) and said we would never know his child as grand parents. He told us we were terrible parents, said he wanted nothing more to do with us. I never contacted him again. My husband has but they only email form time to time. I told my husband I was done with his sons and he understood.
Did you over step your boundaries, not in my opinion. You did what any normal human being would do after so much frustration. It sounds to me that the daughter is seeking sympathy and hoping someone will pay for all her wishes with this wedding. Like your thinking, after 6 years living with this guy I don't know why they can't pay for their own expenses. Do they both work or are they going to school?
I have 2 daughters who are grown and married. We did not have funds to pay for any expensive wedding and we let the girls know this. Both chose simple garden weddings at home homes and kept the expenses to a minimum. We did all the prep ourselves, cake was bought at Walmart, pics taken by a family member. I told my middle daughter that too many people spend a fortune on their wedding day and then the ceremony last only a few minutes. Afterwards she told me she was surprised how quickly the ceremony went. A family member timed it- 7 minutes!
My SD dropped out of
My SD dropped out of highschool the day she turned 18 and moved in with her 22 year old (at that time) boyfriend (who STILL lives with his mom by the way). They have both been living with his mom for the last 6 years. SD is now 24, BF 28. Neither one of them have attempted to get a higher education. They should have limited expenses as they do not pay rent. The boyfriend works in a family business, but my SD has been unemployed for about 2 years now. They spend all their money going out with friends, buying alcohol and weed. They purchased season tickets to the pro football team in their area. Last time I looked those cost between $500 and $1,000 each. They flaunt all of this on Facebook. SD only buys Coach purses. I've never in my life been able to afford a Coach purse and I'm 40! And even if I could afford one, I'd rather spend my money on something more practical. This is partly why I'm so irritated with her comments on facebook about not having enough money for her wedding, and trying to guilt us into feeling like we should be giving her more than we offered. Not to mention that SD and her BF been engaged for 5 years now, and their wedding is still a year and a half away. They could have saved up a nice amount during the last 5 years.
Thank you for sharing your story. Hate to say it, but I think it would be easier if my SD told her dad she wanted nothing to do with him too. But as it stands, she's trying to pit us against each other. What a rotten spot for my hubby to be in. She deleted me from her FB, but I blocked her and her BF from mine. It's sad, as this is not how I envisioned our family when I married her dad. I can deal with not speaking to her anymore, but when her name gets brought up, or her dad wants to talk about her I grit my teeth.