i just dont get it anymore (maybe i never did?)
ive been reading as many books as i can find regarding "step life", effects of divorce on kids,etc. im almost maniacal. that said, everything i read is consistent in terms of the advice they give and how rules, structure and discipline are key to making any child more secure.
why does my fiance not see this?
i was sick last week and stayed in bed during the majority of visitation. not only was the TV on during dinner but SD was for some reason allowed to bring her phone (usually she isnt becuase it distracts her from everything) and not only did she bring it but she was allowed to use it before completing her homework.
when i asked fiance why 3 rules were blatantly violated he said "i dont care about the rules". this after he promised me we'd be united on them (i posted them on another thread awhile back)
im basically screwed, arent i? he just would rather give her what she wants to keep peace and have a "good visit". she of course knows this. ive seen text from her that say things like "if you let me bring my phone ill be sweet as pie but if you dont then ill be mean to everyone". i mean, obvious manipulation, right??? why do these dads not see it for what it is?
oh yea, and when i told fiance that i was pretty sure she was having sex? he said, i dont care, i did the same thing at her age. i cant stop it. :jawdrop:
fortunately i do not have
fortunately i do not have kids and he and i are not interested in having kids together so that's not a worry.
i always knew his kid was spoiled...but i had no idea he was such a bad parent until the last few months. im really shocked.
If he doesn't care about her,
If he doesn't care about her, why even have her visit? Just for show?
He doesn't seem to give a
He doesn't seem to give a shit or even wants to ba a parent to her. What hereiam said, why does he even have her visit? How sad...
Why in the world would you
Why in the world would you stay with someone like that? I don't care if you don't plan to have kids so it 'isn't a worry' or not.
If he doesn't care about his child, how is he going to care for you when you lose your mind, can't and need to take a specific medication, is he just not going to care if you decide to take or not even with memory issues?
I guess to me, I see my DH get soft on some rules when it is just him and SS, and sometimes if I am around but it is never to the point that it can't be done the right way the next time. Typically it happens around certain events such as him going back to work. He has also jumped on me because of some agreed rules that could not be budged on that we had agreed on that he went lax on and blamed me. This takes about 3 hours before he realizes how wrong he is and apologizes to me and jumps on SS about not following the rule, and trying to let blame for something he needs to do go to someone else.
I don't think I could be with someone who did not care...or who was a *complete* (not denying my DH can be one) Disney parent.
see this is what's so
see this is what's so baffling.
he gives 100% to everythign else in his life. he takes great care of me, is a huge success at work.
i have some theories.
1, i think he had the kid becuase the wife wanted one. its my understanding they had several miscarriages before having her.
2, yes, i think he sees her out of obligation. it is obvious he gets no enjoyment out of their visits because she always gives him a hard time.
i think he's worn down and frustrated. SD is pretty much alienated. i went through those bullets that were on the list someone posted the other day about "what does a severely alienated child look like". he said yes to every one.
the thing that scares me is that he thinks that she will "grow out of" some of her immature behaviors and antics. i dont.
He isn't taking that "great
He isn't taking that "great care of you" if he's ignoring rules you created together for the sake of home life.
If he cared about you so much, he'd care about not undermining you and trying to be a disney dad.
i agree he isnt going to
i agree he isnt going to change in terms of how he deals with her.
but can someone be a bad parent but a great partner? we often see people who are great parents but bad partners....
You sound depressed and he
You sound depressed and he sounds like the reason for it.
If you want to have children - he is not the guy.
He sounds incredibly disrespectful and curt with you. Almost like you don't count as a parental role model. He should care whether or not she is having sex for her health & wellbeing. You are bringing to him valuable information and showing you care about the daugther whether it is having some expectations or health matters and he is shutting you down. Apparently your voice is worth nothing.
Nope. Any more fish in the Sea??? I say there are probably many more.
Is he a bad parent or is he a
Is he a bad parent or is he a "guilt driven" parent or is he a "take the easy road" parent?
I think in most cases they are "take the easy road" parents, with you tucked all snug in your bed he had no one around to back him up. Sorry to say but I believe that a lot of men are weak when it comes to saying no and parenting. Who doesn't want to look like the good guy in the eyes of their child?
Recently, rather than argue I told Hubby that his kids were to ask him if they wanted something in the house (friends over, sleep overs, someone extra for supper etc) The problem is the man can't say no, it doesn't matter if I am sick, worn out, traveling and getting home late, have an early morning the next day HE ALWAYS SAYS YES. He said yes to my SS20 having 3 buddies come home from the bar after a hockey game on a weeknight 3 a.m., sleeping in the rumpus room downstairs with my daughter in the next room who had to get up at 6:30 the next morning for school. And he looks at me like I'm crazy when I suggest this was not appropriate.
The problem is they are not teaching their offspring to be a well adjusted and responsible adult in the long run. This is why we have so many man-child and girl-child 20 somethings in the world today that feel like everyone owes them something and they don't have to work hard for anything. I hate to say it but it's not just stepkids it is A LOT of kids.
Knowing what I know now I would have walked, no ran in the other direction rather than get into this. Heartache sucks but you would get over him and the right one could be waiting around the corner.
A BAD PERSON PERIOD. What
A BAD PERSON PERIOD. What happens when you need him for something or maybe you get sick ? He is a selfish person .
I don't think he would be my
I don't think he would be my fiance. Things will only get worse. He doesn't care enough about you, to be a united front with you. You will be a step parent and in her life period, so you should be a voice in it period.
The best thing to do is just
The best thing to do is just let him deal with the situation. you will never win. You will actually be the thing that unites them both as they will both commiserate over you being harsh or not getting it. Treat her like you would treat a friend's kid. Nice but arm's length. If your bedroom is comfy, you'll probably want to retreat there often.
Sadly, it's the bio-parent that usually is the cause of the problems. Their guilt turns them into foolish peole who seek only to be liked and never cause hurt. None of what a good parent should do to his kid or his new spouse.
I hope you feel better.
so i spent both tuesday
so i spent both tuesday nights visit and thursday nights visit this week in my room reading. it was actually kind of nice.
i may just lay low and do that for awhile, although part of me feels like im letting SD "win" by removing myself.
She's a teen...teens are kind
She's a teen...teens are kind of in their own worlds anyway. You are limited in the impact you can have, especially since DH seems to want to put little effort in. So sorry for the tension in your household. Does she have any interests?
My husband was the same way
My husband was the same way with his daughter when he was divorced they were 8 and 10. For that point on until about 7 months about he guilt parented and allowed them to do whatever they wanted, buy them whatever they wanted, they were princesses. It made me sick. I had many conversations about this with him and how difficult it would be to lay the law down once they became teenagers.
Well here we are, the girls are now 14 and 16, dad starts to enforce some rules, they pact all of their stuff and move in with their mom full time. We havent seen or talked to them since March.
So sad.
Best of luck to you. Teenage girls are so hard espically being a step parent. Its rough. Be sure to have some girls nights with your friends or leave and do something fun for you. Do NOT expose yourself to that disfunctional parenting every single night.
D