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Do you give up or keep on keeping on?

needs_a_drink's picture

Submitted by needs_a_drink on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 12:06pm

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Bio Child Free Zone

I'm at another cross roads and I'm unsure of whether I'm actually able to make positive contributions to my SD13's life anymore. I have raised her since she was 6, alongside my DH. She has been having supervised visitation for an hour, once a week, with her BM after about 3 years of no physical contact. SD13 has never lived with BM and has had many many traumatic things happen while in the presence of BM, hence why she's been on and off for the majority of her life without seeing her. So being a 13 year old, she is a miserable little liar that hates me more than anything in the world. SD13 tells lies to BM about me and BM promises her that in a little while she'll be able to go live with her. So SD13 keeps treating me like crap, DH doesn't know what to do, and I in the mean time am going crazy with hate and resentment toward everyone in this house.

We've gone through this before, but now that teenage years have hit, and BM wants to be in her life again, I am the absolute devil according to SD. What the hell do I do? I'm living in hell, things will definitely not get any better. We're having SD going to counseling but the appt. isn't for another month because they're so backlogged. Is this miserable life worth it?? It's amazing that I've chosen to be a mother to her over the course of 7 years and I get nothing but hate and rejection in return. Why do I deserve this? Why do I apparently contribute to how horrible SD13 thinks her life is? What the hell have I done to make her life so terrible?? I know that teenagers are awful but still, why is it okay for her to be so selfish and not realize what I've done and what BM hasn't? Of course, I'll never be her biological mother, but why does BM now paying attention to her outshine everything that I've done for her?? I'm not sure if this miserable life is for me. And I'm not sure I want to bring my own children into this miserable life if SD will be here for another 4 or so years! Has anyone had experience with moving out and giving up completely? Is this hard work and only resentment from step kids normal and does it pass? Sorry but I'm feeling absolutely hopeless!!

mannin's picture

Submitted by mannin on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 12:29pm

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It's not fair after all the work you've put in

I'm raising my SS7 and have been for almost 3 years. Your situation is what I fear in my future.

Most kids like your SD who haven't had a bio in their life, often fantasize about what they perceive their absent bio parent to be. The BM is an ungrateful bitch who is clearly threaten by you. And, SD is a hormonal 13 year old.

I personally would disengage from her at this time and let her feel the absence of your presence.

Good luck with all of this.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 1:01pm

{{{{Hugs}}}}
We are going through something similar SD19 turned her back on us (we were custodial) & moved to mama's couch after she quit school & didn't want to work full time & pay rent. Apparently, I am now the anti-christ. It sucks. I find myself very angry at times that everything I did to help her, raise her is forgotten. SD is not speaking to us - I can only assume because I refuse to agree that she is better off with BM's empty promises & a fast food career. Amazingly, every crappy thing that BM did was just fine - after all she is BM!

I find that being an involved SM wasn't worth it - if I could go back - I would not put half the effort I did in someone else's child. It wasn't appreciated & she is still working fast food and doing nothing with her life. In the end the $50,000.00 we paid in lawyers and court costs got us nothing.

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 2:45pm

We are living a very similar situation. And I agree, wish I would have never done anything for my SD19, she now lives at her boyfriends parents house and wants basically nothing to do with DH and I unless there is something in it for her. Detach at all costs. It is the only thing that saved my sanity. I only wish I would have done it from day one when I met SD who was 14 at the time. I have found that no good deed goes unpunished in the eyes of a SD. Her birth mom does nothing (we had full custody) yet her mom is her hero and the greatest while DH and I are dirt.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 2:34pm

It's not fair, but it is all too common. The self-involved teenage years hit and there is very little room in their hormonal heads for gratitude or perspective. All of a sudden the person who gives them the best promises and the most freedom looks like the best parent. They barely want to listen to their own parents so they are all too keen to dismiss and reject stepparent input. An unsuitable absentee mother can just end up looking cool to a rebellious teen. It's shocking and heart breaking if you've put in years of care and effort but there's very little you can do about it, other than back off and try to refocus on yourself and your marriage.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 01/18/2014 - 3:48pm

I think this is one of those times where misery wishes it didn't have company. Unfortunately, it is all too common is stepfamilies.

no2's picture

Submitted by no2 on Sun, 01/19/2014 - 12:13pm

Ok, your SD is turning in to a teen, all the traumatic events from her youth will now start to exacerbate her
teen years. It will probably get harder. She'll need support, patience and guidance.

Just a bit about my StepDad

My StepDAD got with my mum when I was 6. I liked him at first, he played games with us and spent loads of time trying to make us happy. He took us on holiday, he subsidized my mums income etc etc Then I began to hate him. He was taking my mums time away from me (not that much though) I was manipulative and needy. He was annoying, I couldn't stand him. I felt literally nothing for him.

When I got to my late teens/early twenties I realized what that man had done for us all. It suddenly twigged!
He had made my mum happy, respected her, stepped aside when needed, he'd romanced her, he'd taken on two children, he'd taken us on holidays, he'd paid for our school lunches, he'd spent time with us, entertained us. He did all the things my BF didn't.

Now... I can't thank him or respect him enough. He is a wonderful man and I will look after him until the day he dies.

Step children will be hard work, but one day we can only hope they will thank you for what you've done.

Step parents really do deserve a medal.