I called SD16 a f*ing b*itch VENT
FDH is an A-hole and I just need to let this out. Oh holy christ FDH was snooping through my phone and saw that I called SD16 a f*cking b*itch. I call a spade a spade, it just is what it is.
FML
FDH gets all depressed when SD16 isn't around and it really affects him- we go through this every couple months when he seems to forget any and everything mean she has done and he basically "blames" me- he won't come right out and say it but I can tell through his actions and his attitude he's very distant. He gets this "SD16 can do no wrong" mentality and he also blames my daughters anxiety on me as well bc he says she mimics me- of course it has nothing to do with the mean shit SD16 has said to her??? Right???
He admitted he's depressed. I would obviously rather her not come over because it's not pleasant for anyone but he refuses to acknowledge his role in this whole thing. I believe he prefers to blame me so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his part. I called him out on everything and now theres war.
He went through my phone and saw an old text to a friend where I called SD16 "a f*ing b*tch" Yup I sure did, because thats how she acts towards me. Now he's using that as a main force against me. I just said "I didn't say she was a bitch to you, I didn't say it SD16- I said it to MY FRIEND who I feel safe talking to my feelings and if you don't want to see or hear what I say about her to MY friends then don't go through my damn phone! UGH
Nope- he won't let it go. Everything is my fault and he will not get over the fact that I said that about his daughter.
I told him he is so desperate for time with her that he's putting our relationship at stake because he refuses to see shit for what it is. I can't win for losing. IF I go do my own thing then I'm acting like a bitch and hiding out and making it obvious I can't stand her. If I stay and act fake then I get upset because she never fails to make a rude or mean comment and it builds resentment. Talking to FDH is like talking to a brick wall. SD16 has no desire to have a relationship with either of us and he's putting their relationship failure on my shoulders.
I told him to take responsibility for his part in their relationship and work on what needs to be fixed. He's no better then SD16 or exwife if he's gonna blame me too because I'm the outsider. Where is his loyalty to me???? I said I clearly see where he is at and then he starts to back peddle and bring up the f*ing b*tch thing again.
He said "oh, you are such a strong woman, you have it all figured out" mocking me :jawdrop:
I'm so frustrated, What an asshole
I'm gonna bang my head against the wall. WTF- this is so f*ing exhausting. I want off this merry-go-round. Same vicious circle over and over.........
I usually do delete the msgs!
I usually do delete the msgs! Guess I missed that one, I told him how it is today but usually don't vent my frustrations about SD16 to him bc it gets me no where and gives him more ammo against me. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and he's mad that I see nothing wrong with saying that about his daughter to my friend.........I feel that way because she has made me feel that way. I agree, most 16 year old girls can be bitches.......
I have had similar scenario
I have had similar scenario happen in my relationship. I am posting to try to give another POV and please know I do not mean any disrespect. Just trying to help. Here's my take on it:
1. Yes you should be able to say whatever you like to your friends, but anytime you say anything about someone else, there's a risk it will get back to them or someone close to them.
2. Your FDH should not have been going through your phone, but there also should not have been anything to find.
You can defend your right to your feelings and privacy all you want, but it isn't gonna change how your FDH feels about you shit talking his kid.
Imagine how you would feel if you found out he called your daughter a bitch? Or called her crazy cause she has anxiety? You post makes it sound like it bugs you when he talks about her anxiety, much less calls her names. I think you might be pissed if the shoe was on the other foot.
If you really want FDH to be able to get over this without it becoming an issue in your relationship, you're gonna have to stop defending yourself and apologize. Just tell him that the circumstances were overwhelming you at that moment, you vented but you realize that you shouldn't have used that language. Tell him that while you feel that SD is sometimes bitchy, so is every woman at one time or another. If there's any good trait of hers you can comment on, do. If not, then just say that you hope that those times will become less and less often as she gets older.
You can even tell him that you're pretty he sure he's been frustrated with your DD and been tempted to call her names on occaison too.
While this might go against how you are feeling right now, it's the best way to get the issue resolved. Even if she was being a bitch (and I'm sure she was) no parent wants anyone to talk shit about their kid, much less their partner. Take this one for the team with FDH.
But feel free to vent away here when SD is being a bitch!
I appreciate your honesty and
I appreciate your honesty and I do agree. I know I am defensive and I completely understand that it is not nice to call his daughter a bitch and I wouldn't like it either if he called my DD that- I justify it by him playing father to my daughter he diciplines her etc and calls her out on being a brat while refusing to acknowledge anything his own daughter does because if he says anything to her she just won't come over and uses her presence as punishment towards him because she knows he's desperate for any type of relationship with her.
I did apologize for hurting his feelings but I did not apologize for calling her a bitch......
Thanks for your advice- it really does help see what I'm blinded by because I'm so upset and stubborn
I know how difficult raising
I know how difficult raising teenage girls is....in fact I have flat out told one of my daughters (BD19) to stop being such a bitch right to her face. Not of my finer parenting moments, but it happened. She doesn't have any long term damage from it, at least as far as I can tell, lol. But if anyone else said that to her I'd be ready to kick their ass.
The problem in your scenario is that she's not your kid, FDH knows you have issues with her. So I'm sure it made him feel very defensive of her, even though she probably was being a bitch at the time.
In order for FDH to take the advice or feeback you give him regarding your SD seriously, he has to trust that you have SD's best interests at heart. If he doesn't feel that, nothing will change.
I don't know your situation or if you have disengaged or what. However, if you have it in you to try and you really want him to make some changes in how he deals with her, you can try this. Write him a letter or sit him down (whatever style works best with him) and ask him to think about what his job is in regards to her.
I am a person of faith, so I believe that if God wanted me to be my children's friend, he would not have made me their mother. I see my job as raising productive adults, who have reasonable expectations and generally know what is acceptable conduct. I do the best I can within the limits of my situation and taking into account their personalities and mine.
Ask FDH to consider if he is really doing your SD any favors in the long run. Or is he setting her up for failure later? If he doesn't set limits on her now, the cold cruel world will later. Did he stop potty training because it was hard? Or did he deal with the aggravation and make her learn because it's a necessary skill? Ask him if an employer will put up with her attitude when they ask her to do something? Ask if a husband will? Tell him he doesn't have to answer you, just think about it and decide if it's more important to make himself happy now or his daughter happy later.
Then let it be. Focus on your own daughter. See what happens. If he comes back to you, structure all your responses in such a way that seems that you are looking out for SD.
I know that SD is probably the least of your concerns, and that is okay, but she's important to FDH and if you approach it this way, he just might listen to you.
I hope it all works out for you.
Thank you- He knows I get
Thank you- He knows I get upset. I have disengaged and SD16 and I pretty much have no relationship at this point, it's the typical "You choose goincrazy over ME ME ME" I do wish her well and hope that maybe one day we can have a friendly relationship, I really don't see that happening for a very long time if ever. When she is ready she will come around. I'm not rude or mean to her. I try to avoid her visits but when I have to be around I'm guarded but polite.
FDH has this fantasy family brady bunch idea in his head and he is simply unrealistic when it comes to his daughter and blending families. He's purposely hyper-focusing on my relationship with her and pointing shit out so he doesn't have to work on his. He even said it's hard to swallow and accept his kid only comes around when she can get something out of it and he's hurt. Point blank the change begins with him- if he doesn't stop this cycle it's going to keep going. It's frustrating because everytime we end up in the same place with him all mopey and sad and he "can't believe" she would do this to him :jawdrop: And i'm just sitting there like really :?
Our therapist is awesome and I can't wait to see him Friday- you have the same approach he tells me to take. It's just hard getting the brunt of it EVERYTIME when I predict what is going to happen, I'm never prepared enough for it even when I know it's coming
I agree with the above
I agree with the above poster. If I found out my dh called my dd16 a fucking bitch I'd be pissed. It would definitely bring out the mama bear in me and I'd end up defending her even if she didn't deserve the defense.
I can not stand my ss15. Really true despise him. I know my dh knows this on some level, but I do not say it to him, I certainly don't say it to my ss (I don't actually have contact with him), nor do I ever say it to ANYONE other than on here. And as much as I dislike him the most vulgar I've got with the language is calling him an "asshole". Which I already know my dh agrees that he is an asshole.
I think your dh is in major defensive mode after finding your text. I would apologize for the name calling, but also let him know that it was not intended for his eyes nor his daughter's and that you also feel betrayed by his snooping and apparently general lack of parenting. Your name calling does not cancel out his mistakes (apparently he would like to think it does)-but it doesn't and those issues still need to be addressed as well. IMO, it is the NOT addressing the issues that leads to things like us ladies venting.
I agree, I'm not proud that I
I agree, I'm not proud that I said that but it wasn't meant for anyone else to see and now I've learned that lesson, you are right I guess I should only vent here if I want to protect my relationship. I didn't text it to my friend to hurt him, I needed a quick outlet so I didn't lose my shit at the moment. He said he knows she's a "brat" which means he agrees with what I said but isn't as vulgar or hurtful as I was- thats how I take it anyway!
He's definitely in defensive mode and you are absolutely correct, it is the lack of parenting and the NOT addressing issues that drive me to this point of losing my shit every once in awhile
Who would your FDH blame for
Who would your FDH blame for his shitty relationship with his kid if you weren't there? There are 3 people here involved. If you are so evil and manipulative and causing such problems, how are FDH and SD16 falling for it, so to speak? You put a gun to his head to prevent him from interacting with SD16? Who's holding the pistol on her?
No, he's in denial that he helped create the monster. Should you have called her a bitch? Nah, maybe not but considering you said it to a friend and I have no idea the context in why you said it in the first place (and neither does he), he needs to tone it down. It's ok he's defensive but at the same time, sounds like he knows deep down part of the reason his daughter is a brat is because of him.
All I hear is how we stepmoms/gf's/so's, etc, aren't supposed to get involved, it's THEIR kids, blah blah blah yet damn, when something goes wrong, who gets blamed? US. Really? YOURE THE FLIPPING PARENT!!! OWN UP TO YOUR OWN SHITTY PARENTING! IF LITTLE SD16 WAS SUCH AN INNOCENT, WHERE DID SHE LEARN THIS BITCH BEHAVIOR? OH THAT WOULD BE YOU AND HER MOM, WOULDN'T IT, DEAR OLD DAD?
Exactly!
Exactly!
I've got an idea. Marry this
I've got an idea. Marry this guy and spend the next thirty (or whatever) years going around the same circle.
Admit to him that this idea of getting married was a bad idea and go ahead and take the blame for all of it. Who cares he's going to tell everyone you're at fault anyway. Just admit it to take the edge off everything.
Don't throw away more time after bad time trying to make this work. It won't except for one long shot - professional psychiatric help for him. And since that rarely works personally I wouldn't even give it a try.
We are in therapy/premarital
We are in therapy/premarital counseling
Just something I find
Just something I find interesting... I have read many poss from women here about snooping through their partners' phones - all met with "you go girl" and exhortations that he should have no expectations of privacy in that regard. Now that the shoe's on the other foot? Everyone's up in arms.
My own kid can be pretty awful at times. I would never call her that name where there was ANY chance of someone seeing/reading/hearing it. So in my head only. If someone else did? They'd be looking for a smackdown.
He can go through my phone
He can go through my phone thats fine, but when his daughter is acting like a f*cking b*itch and I tell my best friend whats going on I don't think he should get that angry at me- was it nice of me to say that? No, it wasn't. I was angry at the moment and thats how I felt. He's redirecting his anger with his daughter at me because their relationship is dysfunctional
You would be better off
You would be better off banging his head against the wall! }:)
He is in denial about his child based on what you said in your OP.
I am not one to condone snooping through the phones or email of an SO. The phone or email of a kid in the home ... definately but not a spouse. So your FDH did not like what he found when he was acting without character and snooping through you phone. Tough shit IMHO. He needs to get over it or leave.
IMHO.
Agreed. We have both calmed
Agreed. We have both calmed down and talked about things, he admitted he's feeling sad and feel's "crabby" because it hurts his feelings that she's playing him. No he didn't like that I said that about his daughter but he recognized he was angry about her not coming over and took it out on me