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JUST GOT THE CALL

NoraAstepmom's picture

:jawdrop: Husband called says he wants a divorce. I tried posting this earlier but for some reason it isn't letting me. As you know For 5 years I have been having to deal with my husband adult stepdaughter and her husband. Each time they came here I tried to look at it as this was a new start with them. Each and every time I was let down by what they did and said again. My husband had said to me on the phone that they were near tears because they were sorry and they told him that they were sorry. I told him they didn't owe him an apology it was me that they have been doing this to not him. That they should have called me to apologize because they did it to me. Now I have been through this before with them over and over. I don't know what's going to happen with my life, I will have to find a place and get 2 jobs, this is okay. I'm scared as heck but I will do it. There were many nights I felt so alone and if it hadn't have been for this site and all of you on here I would have cryed myself to death . Thank you all so much for being here for me.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I am so sorry because it sounds like you love him very much. However, it takes two to make a relationship work.
He was not a partner, sounded like he did not treat you well..
I hope you have peace now that SD will be out of your life! That had to be so draining.

NoraAstepmom's picture

I love you all I know that maybe hard to believe but its true. I will miss my husband very much. He told me that he isn't going to put me before his kids, I told him I never asked you to do that. All I wanted was for them to show me some respect, same as I gave them when they came here. My husband is going to miss having a good wife (smiles) I know I am and even his friends say I'm a good wife. I cry off and on but it least my life wont be a roller coaster ride anymore. I have had my share of life's ups and downs and have come so far, that I just cant take there BS anymore. A lot of you on here have done it for 20 years or more my hat off to you for being such brave lady's. I want to keep coming on here if it's ok with all of you. Kinda been like my home silly huh. thank you again.

StepKat's picture

Please keep coming back here. You are family here and always will be. We all will route for you, show you love and support and help lift your spirits when you are down.

sandye21's picture

Nora, Your DH is doing you a favor. Any man who places obnoxious skids above his wife is not worth staying with. You deserve better. And you will find it. He will come back to you and ask you to take him back. Don't do it. Two years down the road you will be thanking your lucky stars the jerk is out of your life.

PolyMom's picture

This is so sad. I am so very sorry. Just remember, any husband who refuses to put his wife before the kids is not a good husband, and vice versa. You will be okay. You have a great outlook, and I support you!

Amber Miller's picture

Divorce is scary. I left my first husband; father of my 3 boys. It was painful and hard but once I got used to not being abused, I found a new life and new joy for myself and my children. I know it's scary now but try and take little forward steps, take one day at a time and you will be amazed at what you can achieve. F his daughter and her husband. Be done with them. Husband wants a divorce; fine! You will be ok. It may not seem like it at first and you will cry but in the end you will make it. I know this because that's what I did and if I can do it then so can you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers
Amber

JacksGal's picture

I'm so sorry it came to this! I know it's going to be hard, but not as hard for you as it will be for him when they chase off anyone in his life because they now know how. He'll eventually realize he ruined his own life for them but you'll be in a better place. Hugs!

Justme54's picture

Sure...post anytime. It is sad. He is a Disney dad and has no balls. History will just repeat itself in his life. He will not change until he hits rock bottom. Be alone can sucks at times, it is way better than being with disrepectful people. Disney dad with chidren is one thing. Being Disney Dad with adult kids...is a sick disease. That is my thoughts.

HUGS!! Hang in there!

AVR1962's picture

Sorry you are going thru such tough times right now. I wish you the best and hope all works out for you.

omgsaveme's picture

NorAstepmom I am so sorry to hear this, could he have just said this out of anger ? Has he said this before ? I know both me and DH say stuff like that when we are upset. You are strong and if he can't make a stand for you, to demand they respect you ,you are better off. I love the saying "this too shall pass" cause no emotion lasts forever, you will eventually look back and laugh at why you stayed for so long. Its also a possibility that you leave and DH realizes what he missed out on and will come crying back.

ctnmom's picture

Man this is sad. So sorry for you Nora! Please don't be a stranger- I know we all care and want to know how you're doing. You can do it. Wink ps- I think your DH is due for a rude awakening very soon.

NoraAstepmom's picture

Yes he has done this before, but this time seam's more serious. I told him if he would have just gave them a living will like they have wanted for the last 5 years maybe they would have let up. Every time they came around it was about that, or how much does he have in the bank, does he still have the cds, life insurance policy's. I told them this was something they needed to talk to there dad about. But I did say that I did sign a paper that the life insurance was still theirs. The rest they needed to talk to him about. I could have told them that their name is still on everything but was not my business. My husband lost his wife in an accident. When we got married I moved into there home. One of the daughters didn't like the fact I was living in her moms home. Well what could I do about that. My husband has been here for over 20 years, I would never ask him to go into further debt to get us a new place. A home is a home. The son in law said my husband should have guilt for the rest of his life because the mom was on her way to do the taxes and was killed in the accident. They made sure they told me every bad thing there was about my husband talking bad about him and how he did his wife. I tried telling my husband many times what they have said and done, but he doesn't want to hear it. He says its just patio talk. My husband provided for me very well he even purchased me a Harley I love it. But its not about they material things, Its about the love we were suppose to share between each other. He said I was looking for a romance marriage. This wasn't true I was looking for a man that showed me respect, that would talk to me when we needed to talk, not tell me to shut the F***k up because he didn't want to here it. He said we never sleep next to each other and he is right, Why because we have 4 dogs that sleep with us. He calls 2 of the dogs up to lay between us, I look at him and he says don't worry they will move. When I met his step daughter and her husband I told them how sorry I was about their mom and that I wasn't her to try and take her place but would like for us to be friends, The son in law said well if you don't have a since of humor your not going to make it. I just laughed. It was maybe a month later my husband was working in the trailer and he wanted me to go into there home and to get to know them. So I did the son n law and his wife told me they didn't think it was right my husband was making my car payments and they felt I was reaping the rewards of their mothers death. I sat there dumb founded . I went back to the trailer I told my husband what they said he asked them about it a day or to later and they said they didn't say that. But they did. The reason he was making my car payments is because we were getting married and he had me leave my jobs to help him with his company and we lived in a different state. I could go on and on with all of this, but for what. My husband has his work trailer on there property in calif, So he pays all there bills except the mortgage and at times gives them money to buy meat on sale. Her husband doesn't work hasn't since I have known them maybe does odd jobs here and there but that's it. When there mom died my husband had maybe spent 200,000 on his 3 kids and when she passed he gave them each another 34,500 one son took it and spent it all on drugs, the youngest daughter opened up a salon after about 6 months she closed it because she wanted to be a good wife in her marriage. The step daughter and her husband not really sure what they did with there's. Oh look at me I'm just going on and on I'm sorry. This is just some of the stuff there is a mile list long of things they all have said and done. Just so you know I love my Harley when I ride it I feel so free like I get so much confidence just from riding it. I love that my husband got me this and I apperate it. He told me last night I was only in the marriage for what I could get he is never further from the truth all I ever wanted was his love and respect and to communicate with me to every once in a while do things with me. Well right now I'm feeling so sick I couldn't eat last night or yesterday I went through 2 packs of smokes I;m going to miss my husband my heart hurts so bad. Why couldn't he just tell his kids to let up on me for him to stand up to them and say this is my wife if you don't like her ok but be respectful . But because he had a talk with them a couple of months ago that makes it all right. Not this has been going on 5 years and every time they say they wont do it again but they do. I hope today goes smoother for me I have cryed so much that my eyes are swollen what a baby I am. Anyways thank you for letting me vent hugs to you all. Oh by the way he text me to let me know he took off his wedding ring.

sandye21's picture

I agree - this is all about money. It doesn't appear you were too interested in his money but his kids sure felt threatened. If he had fallen in love with you there was a possiblity he would be spending more of 'their' money on you, or that he might have eventually changed his will. Also, it seems like he thought he had a lot of power and control over you because of it. You were treated as if you were expendable - just to be thrown away. If you reunite with this man the circumstances will not change. Please move on and find someone else who deserves you.

I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Many of us have been there but as Amber wrote, it will pass. Get a good lawyer. He owes you for working for him and might have to pay your support until you find a job.

simifan's picture

{{{{Hugs}}}}
This is so hard & Painful. No is the time to loo out for you. Grab any funds you can so you have something to work with & contact an attorney.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I'm very sorry you are feeling hurt, frightened, confused and lost. But I am happy that your husband has finally given you something special. The gift of freedom. Right now you don't feel that way, I understand, but in time you will. The reality is you haven't lost a husband, because a real husband would not treat his wife as you have been treated. He has been using and abusing you for years, now for whatever reason he is setting you free. One day very soon you will not only be glad he did this, but you will regret you didn't do it yourself years earlier. Your new life will be far less stressful than the life he has given you. Don't make another mistake here, don't walk away with nothing in a last ditch attempt to prove to him you weren't all about money. That won't change how he or his kids feel, make sure you get every cent you are entitled to. In fact, I think you should now take control. Don't sit back and wait for him to start legal proceedings. Take charge, see a solicitor, and show him and his kids you are not going to be walked on by them ever again. You may be losing a bad marriage, but you are gaining a far better life. Time to dry your eyes and start taking charge. You don't have to sit there waiting for him and his kids to dictate anymore how your life will be. You owe your husband nothing now, he does not deserve your loyalty or respect. Take control, find a solicitor, and let your husband see you are not the pushover he and his kids think you are.

sandye21's picture

Fantastic advice, EBU! You mentioned not waiting for him to start legal procedings. Do it as fast as you can, and get the best lawyer you can. There is a lot to be said for the element of surprise.

Justme54's picture

Good Advise...GET A GOOD LAWYER!!! You will be sending the message...you do not take being SHIT on lying down. If he wanted you to quit your job, he should have his will setup to take care of you. No woman or man stays out of the work force for years, then...jumps back in it ASAP and lands a good paying job.

Frustratedlady's picture

NoraAstepmom I am so sorry you are going through this. I so feel your pain as I am in the same boat as you are. I was also told DH wanted a divorce and asked me to move out of the house that he shared with BM before me. I have now been out of the house for close to 3 months.

I won't lie, I miss my DH oh so much it's painful. But being out of the hell, stress, drama out weights my love for him. And each day does get better. I can even tell by my looks. You can look at a picture of me from just a year ago right after DH and I got married and then look at a picture of me right before I moved out of his house. WOW HUGE DIFFERENCE! Doesn't even look like the same person. Now I am constantly being told that I am starting to get my looks back. I can't believe how I let all that crap get to me so much!

A few made comments about your DH coming around eventually. This is something that I have been struggling with since our breakup. I too feel like yours as well as mine will come around. I think that they are caught between making everyone happy but themselves. I don't know about your DH, but mine was getting pressure from his sons as well as friends and family (because sons talk to them) to leave me. I believe the pressure got to be too much that he decided to take the easy way out by ending it with me. I don't think he actually believed I would leave. And I know that he really didn't want me to go. I think he wanted me to cow down to all the shit and tolerate his son's behavior whatever they dished out with a smile on my face. He was quite shocked when that didn't happen. Since I have left there has been no communication between us period. He has not filed for divorce nor have I.

Having said that, I totally recommend once you do leave limit your conversations with him to bare minimum if at all. This is not a stab at him, it's for your own sanity. Going through a divorce is one thing (this isn't my first time) but going through a divorce after dealing with toxic waste of steps is even more to process and heal. This is what I am doing. I try to remind myself that I did my best but it was a loosing battle that wasn't my fault. I remind myself that even though I am no longer there, the drama is still going to happen (btw, YSS was arrested again 9 days after I moved out). I remind myself that even if he replaces me, that woman will go through the same thing. I remind myself that I have survived worse and no matter what has happened in my life, it always turns around for the better.

Also, like a few other posters have said. Our DH's are actually being kind to us if you really sit back and think about it. And what's funny the DH's don't even realize it. You were in your relationship for a few years same as me. We could be like many others on this board going through it for 20-30 years. I couldn't even imagine!

emotionaly beat up's picture

I think when we marry men like this we spend years trying to fix it. Trying to get on with the steps. We examine ourselves and we try to find ways to make the steps feel welcome in our homes. We do this as we see it as our role to blend the families and maje our husbands happy.

There is a type of man who raises kids like this, there is a type of woman who puts up with it for years. Both of us, the male and the female need to grow a spine. This lifestyle isn't good for either of us, nor is it good for bio or steps. There are never winners while you live this life, only losers.

Norastepmom, stop thinking it's you. Stop trying to fix it, stop wondering where you went wrong, what you can do now to stop your husband from leaving you. This kind of thinking is what got you into this mess in the first place. It's not you, it's them. It's the way your husband raised them to be, it's your gutless disloyal husband who allows them to behave this way. You cannot fix or change them. You can only change and fix you. Your husband thinks he holds all the cards and he uses them to bully you into submission. Show him you refuse to play his childish game anymore. Show him a strong, decisive woman who's sick of his crap and his kids, muster all your courage and call his bluff, don't allow him to keep calling the shots. He wants a divorce does he. Well go out today get a solicitor and give him one. Show him your not going to be bullied and used anymore. He's counting on you being afraid, he's counting on pulling you into line here. You need to pull the rug out from underneath him and see a lawyer now. Let him see your strength , not your weakness. This is no time for self pity. This is the time to stand up and fight . This is the time to be strong. This is the time to see it's not you it's them. Your dh and steps. There was nothing wrong with you going into the marriage. But there was definitely something wrong with him and his kids. YOU WILL NEVER, NEVER CHANGE THAT. People like this cannot change. But you can change you. Show him your strength, don't wait for him to do something to you, to divorce you on his terms. Start talking with legal representation now. Then tell your husband if he needs to speak to you, he's to do it through your lawyer, your sick of his childish games and your sick of his kids. Let him see the quiet submissive woman he married, is not the woman who is divorcing him.

Who knows. Perhaps if you stand up here and take action, instead of allowing him to call the shots, to treat you like a fool, like a doormat to wipe his feet on, he may actually begin to respect you. But if not, if he's happy to go through with the divorce then you are better off divorcing. It is pointless to cling to a man who doesn't want to be with you. But you need to change. Doing things the way you have been is what put you here in the first place.

Valeria's picture

Everyone here has given you great advice and support. I can only add that being the wife of a widower is a unique and very difficult relationship. Having been married to one for the last 12 years I can tell you at best it is a constant insecure feeling and at worst it destroys one's self-esteem. It seems that no one is ever on our side. I hope there are better days ahead for you.

NoraAstepmom's picture

Valeria,

I thought being a step mom was going to be easy not a big deal. I had a stepmom and I have to say she was a pretty terrific lady. She loved us and we new it. My dad was the hard one on us 5 kids, but my stepmom always stood up for us, was there for us like a real mom. I think it also had to do with the way our mom raised us. To treat people with respect. Now being married to a widower its just as hard I think as being a stepmom. Maybe I came into it all wrong. I thought I could be as good of a stepmom as my stepmom was to us kids. I was wrong. Even just trying to be a friend didn't work. I understand the kids or should I say his adult kids had a hard time with me, I come into there dad and moms home being the new wife. They didn't like this, but I couldn't ask my husband to sell the home they shared for 20 years why ask him to go into further debt for that reason. As I stated before a home is a home. I thought I could make it our home. I feel it is sort of. My husband still has quite a few photos of his wife hanging in the living room . These are his memories I don't have any right to ask him to take them down. Do they make me feel uneasy yes. This lady one time said to my husband he should take them down when we got home he knocked them off the wall broken glass, I took the frames I had under the bed with my family in them took the photos out and replaced them with his family photos and his wife and hung them back up. One day when my husband is ready maybe he will if not there they will stay. I don't think they will ever except me as part of this family a lot of times I feel lost. I cant sit and tell these things to my husband, 1 he see's everything as going good. But he isn't the one having to deal with all the issues because he has a blind eye to it. Its his family. I have tried to look at each day as a new one, that tomorrow my husband is going to wake and maybe realize hey what have I been letting go on for so long. But to stop and think about that I think I'm wrong he will never see it that way. I heart goes out to lady's who have married a widower and also became stepmom to the adult kids.

NoraAstepmom's picture

Well I wanted to come back and give an update on my situation. First I want to say thank you to all of you who have giving me some great advise, you have no idea what it means to me. My husband started sending me photos on email of when we got married. He then started sending me poems. This isn't my husband so to speak. My husband is the type of person to not really show affection, hugs he does them fast then its like go away. I am the opposite. When we first were together he was. My husband well how do I explain him, tuff cookie I guess. He now doesn't want to get a divorce, says he loves me. In my heart I know I should be leaving because I don't think he will ever see it for what it really is. The other half of my heart loves him. I'm still hoping one day he will come to realize all that has happened. So for now I'm going to stay. I cant say that if he throws out divorce to me again that I will stay. He has done this to me a couple of times I don't want to have that insure feeling of not knowing from day to day if my marriage is going to end. I have a lot to learn myself. But my husband does also. He realizes he has a good wife what he doesn't want to admit that his adult kids have been very disrespectful and I feel if he truly loved me he would put a stop to it and mean it. I'm done doing things for his adult kids. Hard to call them adults because I have never met an adult that treats another adult the way they have tried me. So this is where it stands. I want to thank you all again for the great advise and for being here as my friend thank you.!!!!!

SugarSpice's picture

this is good news. your husband, however, has got to stop the divorce threats.

in the end, you always have the right to leave whenever you want. keep this in mind.

NoraAstepmom's picture

Dear alone,

My mom and dad passed away about 12 years ago. I have a daughter but she is trying to get her life in order. She was living with a friend and the lady's son molested my grand son. Not really a place for me to say with her right now. But Trust me if the time ever come's I will be prepared. I have learned a lot on this website from all these wonderful lady's here.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Words are cheap and easy. Actions speak louder than words and action is needed here, not cheap words or gestures to placate you. If he seriously wants the marriage to work he needs to put you first, he needs to demand respect from his children for you and if they can't do that, then he needs to tell they cannot come into your home. You've said what he's saying. But what is he doing.

stepinafrica's picture

You make a good point. Since it appears she has made her mind up to stay, the least OP can do is take this opportunity to renegotiate the terms of the relationship.

If OP rushes to move back in with him without setting clear expectations, she will be in a worse position than before.

IMO it is abusive to threaten your spouse with leaving or divorce.

SugarSpice's picture

for me, the dh goes on these after work dinners with his two sds, both adults. just the three of them. he comes home immediately after dinner, but its either two outcomes: 1. he is happy as if fresh from the arms of a mistress, or 2. angry and finding problems with everything about me.

i just take it for what its worth and ignore him. the ultimate disengaging.

stepinafrica's picture

Please please please don't take him back! This will never change. I notice you feel you have no options and that is why you are staying. Don't you see that is EXACTLY what abusers do? They make you feel like you have nowhere to go and so you have to stay and take it. It was NO accident that you had to give up your job. Don't stay. Go to a shelter and file for divorce.

NoraAstepmom's picture

Husband is coming home tonight. As I told you all before he say's he doesn't want a divorce. This is my 3rd marriage. Was married to the first one for 23 years tell he got a computer and met someone on line. Second husband well I came home from work and caught him in an apt with a co worker. Needless to say I felt like I wasn't a good wife. Over the years I had a chance to talk to both of my exs I asked them what happen between us, I was told by both of them I was to nice. Give me a break doesn't that sound silly. Funny thing is after awhile they both wanted to get back together, but I couldn't. So I married the man I'm with now. Ever since I have been coming to this site and reading I have changed I have also changed because of how I have been treated, by his kids and by him not being there for me when his kids have treated me like dirt. My husband provides very well for me but I have earned it and I am a dam good wife. I started standing up for myself because of all of you on here. I don't think he likes me talking back, but my feelings count to. I don't know what's going to happen here. I do believe in marriage. I will be prepared if anything like this happens again. There are a lot of you who have stayed for 20 years or more. I have changed I'm going to start thinking of me for a change . I don't know what else to say. Except for thank you for all the great advise.

sandye21's picture

Start a little savings account in your name so you will have funds when he pulls this crap again - because he will.

SugarSpice's picture

Nora, there is no such things as "too nice." that is a cop out, just like when boys break up and tell a girl, "you are too good for me."

you sound like a kind woman, and maybe you are indeed too nice. if that is that case, start toughening up. people that are too nice get used for doormats far too often.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Staying because you don't want a third marriage to fail is no reason to stay. It's not a foundation for a good marriage.

So both your ex husbands said you were TOO nice. And you still haven't learnt the lesson, Giving your all to a man, putting his happiness, wants and needs first last and foremost, never getting your needs met, is a sure fire way to ultimately destroy a relationship.

You need time on your own to learn to live with and like you.