This follows DH's request for the skids to see a therapist. With BM's alienation tactics in full swing, including BM's involvement of the skids in decisions and discussions they have no business being involved in, DH is concerned.
BM's reply was that she thinks DH and her should attend co-parenting therapy or classes together. She also suggested that the stepparents be involved as well since they have such a big role in the skids' lives.
Now .. the last time DH and BM did "co-parenting therapy", BM spent the entire time bashing DH, crying about how he's so mean to her, and attacking him every time he called her out on her BS. IT was not beneficial at all. BM was also seeing that same therapist one-on-one (which I think is completely unprofessional on the therapist's part), so after about 2 weeks, it became clear that BM had filled her head with a bunch of lies. The bias became evident quickly. DH stopped attending.
So DH's natural response is to say no. As an alternative, he wants to suggest attending co-parenting therapy separately, and if stepparents wish to participate, they can; but with their spouse .. not the whole freaking group.
The ONLY reason he is even slightly entertaining this is because he thinks BM is trying to build up ammo for the upcoming court battle (scheduling date is Jan 22). He doesn't' want to look like he's completely unwilling to consider self-improvement and therapy for the benefit of the skids, but he KNOWS therapy with BM will be absolutely unproductive. And there is no way in hell I will attend WITH BM.
I'm not concerned about me going or not. DH knows damn well I will not attend if BM is there.
I would attend, however, as a tool for DH and myself. I'm not a parent, and I'm not responsible for parenting them, but their presence does impact my life very much, and mine theirs. I love my skids; they're not monsters like many people talk about here. If a few hours of therapy helps us teach them to navigate the changes in their lives a little better .. I'm all for it. I'm NOT, however, all for appeasing BM and volunteering to be her punching bag.
The only problem with your proposed response, is that it immediately has BM reiterating that it was DH who voluntarily stopped attending therapy the last time. The fact that this reasons were valid and justified is irrelevant; she will use the opportunity to 'highlight' how he didn't participate in therapy.
She has also started emailing him articles almost daily. The one today was called "How to Not Screw Up Your Kids After Divorce". :sick:
He said he'd consider attending therapy with her, only after they have each completed a set number of sessions individually or with their spouse.
He just doesn't want to walk into another situation like he did last time .. with her constantly attacking and fighting, and then playing victim. It's so unproductive. She treated therapy as a reason to tell him why everything he was doing was wrong.
But .. because of the dang court thing coming .. he's hesitant to just say no flat out.
Co-parenting classes do not have to be attended together.
After Captain Jack(ass) received custody of his kid, the judge ordered parenting classes for all of the adults involved:
Captain Jack
Me
Uberskank
Baby Daddy #3
Baby Daddy #2
We were not ordered to take them together. It's a series of classes which show you it's better for the kids to have structure and boundaries in each household and how to respect those boundaries. And how to treat the bio-parents respectfully so the children involved are not affected as badly by the divorce.
Parenting - co-parenting classes are not about everyone attending like a big happy family and clearing the air. It's not therapy. It's a class.
The BM is delusional and your DH should hold firm. He's happy to take parenting classes, not with BM. He's happy to attend therapy sessions with his kid(s), but not with BM in attendance. They can alternate visits.
There is usually no need for SP's to get involved or have to sit in therapy sessions or classes with the BM. That's just asking for trouble.
Yes, DH and I have discussed taking a parenting class for the two of us. He had to do one years ago when they first divorced; it was court-ordered, but he thinks a refresher wouldn't hurt.
They have online and in-person options here that run around $25.
I agree with you .. I just don't think there is any need whatsoever for DH and BM to attend anything together. They can get the same information and tools individually, without all the conflict and confrontation.
Ours were court ordered, so we didn't have a choice.
It doesn't make sense to set up a situation which invites conflict. Having divorced parents in the same class would be disruptive to the others. Obviously their parenting styles were part of the breakdown of their marriage.
These classes aren't about inviting conflict, but diffusing it. It would be counterproductive to have them attend anything together.
Classes or therapy sessions. Especially therapy sessions. Their time for therapy is over now that they are divorced.
DH & BM were ordered to take co-parenting classes. In the next breath, they were ordered to take them SEPARATELY. LOL!
Parenting/co-parenting is for parents. I've never heard of a judge ordering a stepparent to attend parenting/co-parenting class for good reason. Parents are responsible for parenting their children.
I can only imagine your BM would want this to happen because she thinks you'll all gather to have a therapist tell the group of you that she's "right" & that you need to fall in line with what she says because she's the mother.
As tempting as it'd be, just for the hopes of being present when a therapist tells her she needs to change her methods, I'd decline.
I understand that the classes/therapy are for parents, but if it helps DH look good in court (like he's not blatantly disregarding everything she says, but trying to find a compromise) I will attend. Not to mention, therapy may help us work out some methods as a couple to deal with and combat BM's bile. I'm open to it, just not with her.
He won't attend classes with her; if classes is the route they go, they'll attend separately.
Co-parenting sessions were about as useful to me as learning the alphabet. It didn't teach me or DW anything we didn't already know. It would have been useful to us BEFORE DW and Donkeykong went to court for the two-day custody battle smackdown. I suppose it *can* be good for divorced parents who really have no clue on how to co-parent and are willing to look past their hatred of each other for the sake of trying to raise the child. But if one parent still has an axe to grind (like your BM), I don't see co-parenting being of any use to anyone whatsover. BM will just cherry pick and hear what she wants to hear from the therapist and will be more interested in making allies/pawns out of the children anyways. Teaching a toxic parent on how to co-parent is like trying to teach a scorpion not to sting. You can't reprogram someone to act against their basic nature.
I don't expect to see any real benefit of doing any of it from BM's standpoint. Her offer/request is strictly to try and look good in the eyes of the court .. and DH's compromise would be strictly to NOT look like a grump refusing to co-parent in the eyes of the court.
At best, DH and me attending co-parenting therapy could just teach us both how to navigate our situation better; and how to deal with BM.
Co-parenting only works if both parents are willing to participate. DH said the only thing he learned in his co-parenting class was how to spend $400 in 8 hours & come out with nothing.
It covers everything common sense covers. If one parent is convinced that their way is the right way, nothing is going to change the way they do things.
Even if you believe she's trying to build a case for court, I wouldn't touch it. Your DH doesn't have to abide by her wishes to blow money on something he's capable of doing already. If BM feels she needs parenting classes, she can have at it.
I don't think your DH should feel obligated to feed her agenda. Honestly, if he has no intention of attending, I wouldn't even recommend he pretend to go along & then be too busy. That just drags it out & IMO, makes him out to be unreliable.
Maybe he can add some wording to any "official" documentation needed (response to filings, etc) that he is very willing to attend co-parent counselors (or classes or whatever) if they can both agree on the therapist.
DH picked the one for the girls and in one email response, she rejected it, agreed to it, and then said it was too far away from her house. The next email (30 minutes later) agreed to it again.
She didn't hesitate to call the office immediately and cancel the appointment though. So now DH is stuck trying to reschedule.
Any co-therapy they do will be tricky because they have very different insurance companies.
Do your DH and BM actually coparent? My DH and BM don't really have anything to do with each other.. they just meet halfway on Friday after work so SD can visit with BM for the weekend and then again on Sunday afternoon to get SD back.
I would not attend parenting classes becuase I am not SD's parent. I also would not want my husband attending parenting classes with his ex girlfriend.. call me crazy but I don't see why that's something they should do together when they are no longer together. But just my opinion!
This follows DH's request for
This follows DH's request for the skids to see a therapist. With BM's alienation tactics in full swing, including BM's involvement of the skids in decisions and discussions they have no business being involved in, DH is concerned.
BM's reply was that she thinks DH and her should attend co-parenting therapy or classes together. She also suggested that the stepparents be involved as well since they have such a big role in the skids' lives.
Now .. the last time DH and BM did "co-parenting therapy", BM spent the entire time bashing DH, crying about how he's so mean to her, and attacking him every time he called her out on her BS. IT was not beneficial at all. BM was also seeing that same therapist one-on-one (which I think is completely unprofessional on the therapist's part), so after about 2 weeks, it became clear that BM had filled her head with a bunch of lies. The bias became evident quickly. DH stopped attending.
So DH's natural response is to say no. As an alternative, he wants to suggest attending co-parenting therapy separately, and if stepparents wish to participate, they can; but with their spouse .. not the whole freaking group.
The ONLY reason he is even slightly entertaining this is because he thinks BM is trying to build up ammo for the upcoming court battle (scheduling date is Jan 22). He doesn't' want to look like he's completely unwilling to consider self-improvement and therapy for the benefit of the skids, but he KNOWS therapy with BM will be absolutely unproductive. And there is no way in hell I will attend WITH BM.
What are your thoughts/suggestions?
Hell to the no! Do not go
Hell to the no! Do not go because it is not your job to parent your skids. That job rest on the BM and BF.
I'm not concerned about me
I'm not concerned about me going or not. DH knows damn well I will not attend if BM is there.
I would attend, however, as a tool for DH and myself. I'm not a parent, and I'm not responsible for parenting them, but their presence does impact my life very much, and mine theirs. I love my skids; they're not monsters like many people talk about here. If a few hours of therapy helps us teach them to navigate the changes in their lives a little better .. I'm all for it. I'm NOT, however, all for appeasing BM and volunteering to be her punching bag.
The only problem with your
The only problem with your proposed response, is that it immediately has BM reiterating that it was DH who voluntarily stopped attending therapy the last time. The fact that this reasons were valid and justified is irrelevant; she will use the opportunity to 'highlight' how he didn't participate in therapy.
She has also started emailing him articles almost daily. The one today was called "How to Not Screw Up Your Kids After Divorce". :sick:
He said he'd consider
He said he'd consider attending therapy with her, only after they have each completed a set number of sessions individually or with their spouse.
He just doesn't want to walk into another situation like he did last time .. with her constantly attacking and fighting, and then playing victim. It's so unproductive. She treated therapy as a reason to tell him why everything he was doing was wrong.
But .. because of the dang court thing coming .. he's hesitant to just say no flat out.
It's all so dumb ..
Is BM open to a therapist of
Is BM open to a therapist of DH's choice? I would have DH suggest that, as the last "therapist" was her choice and that didn't work out.
/
/
Co-parenting classes do not
Co-parenting classes do not have to be attended together.
After Captain Jack(ass) received custody of his kid, the judge ordered parenting classes for all of the adults involved:
Captain Jack
Me
Uberskank
Baby Daddy #3
Baby Daddy #2
We were not ordered to take them together. It's a series of classes which show you it's better for the kids to have structure and boundaries in each household and how to respect those boundaries. And how to treat the bio-parents respectfully so the children involved are not affected as badly by the divorce.
Parenting - co-parenting classes are not about everyone attending like a big happy family and clearing the air. It's not therapy. It's a class.
The BM is delusional and your DH should hold firm. He's happy to take parenting classes, not with BM. He's happy to attend therapy sessions with his kid(s), but not with BM in attendance. They can alternate visits.
There is usually no need for SP's to get involved or have to sit in therapy sessions or classes with the BM. That's just asking for trouble.
Yes, DH and I have discussed
Yes, DH and I have discussed taking a parenting class for the two of us. He had to do one years ago when they first divorced; it was court-ordered, but he thinks a refresher wouldn't hurt.
They have online and in-person options here that run around $25.
I agree with you .. I just don't think there is any need whatsoever for DH and BM to attend anything together. They can get the same information and tools individually, without all the conflict and confrontation.
Ours were court ordered, so
Ours were court ordered, so we didn't have a choice.
It doesn't make sense to set up a situation which invites conflict. Having divorced parents in the same class would be disruptive to the others. Obviously their parenting styles were part of the breakdown of their marriage.
These classes aren't about inviting conflict, but diffusing it. It would be counterproductive to have them attend anything together.
Classes or therapy sessions. Especially therapy sessions. Their time for therapy is over now that they are divorced.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
DH considered agreeing and then just claiming scheduling conflicts to avoid actually going, but I don't know that it makes him look any better
He's not opposed to going to therapy with the skids, alone, or with me .. just not with BM. At least not yet.
Well .. they have the
Well .. they have the scheduling meeting on Jan 22. That's not their actual court date.
They have 2 rounds of mediation to go before court as well; one on the 14th and one on the 23rd.
Add therapy in there? I just think it's too much face time with BM for DH to handle
I agree that it's a good
I agree that it's a good alternative.
I don't know that she's still working through the divorce .. she's remarried now. Not that THAT it means a whole lot LOL
I think if they pick a therapist that both can agree on to attend individually, she'd be responsible for her share of the cost directly.
DH & BM were ordered to take
DH & BM were ordered to take co-parenting classes. In the next breath, they were ordered to take them SEPARATELY. LOL!
Parenting/co-parenting is for parents. I've never heard of a judge ordering a stepparent to attend parenting/co-parenting class for good reason. Parents are responsible for parenting their children.
I can only imagine your BM would want this to happen because she thinks you'll all gather to have a therapist tell the group of you that she's "right" & that you need to fall in line with what she says because she's the mother.
As tempting as it'd be, just for the hopes of being present when a therapist tells her she needs to change her methods, I'd decline.
I absolutely will NOT attend
I absolutely will NOT attend with her there.
I understand that the classes/therapy are for parents, but if it helps DH look good in court (like he's not blatantly disregarding everything she says, but trying to find a compromise) I will attend. Not to mention, therapy may help us work out some methods as a couple to deal with and combat BM's bile. I'm open to it, just not with her.
He won't attend classes with her; if classes is the route they go, they'll attend separately.
>What are your
>What are your thoughts/suggestions?<
Co-parenting sessions were about as useful to me as learning the alphabet. It didn't teach me or DW anything we didn't already know. It would have been useful to us BEFORE DW and Donkeykong went to court for the two-day custody battle smackdown. I suppose it *can* be good for divorced parents who really have no clue on how to co-parent and are willing to look past their hatred of each other for the sake of trying to raise the child. But if one parent still has an axe to grind (like your BM), I don't see co-parenting being of any use to anyone whatsover. BM will just cherry pick and hear what she wants to hear from the therapist and will be more interested in making allies/pawns out of the children anyways. Teaching a toxic parent on how to co-parent is like trying to teach a scorpion not to sting. You can't reprogram someone to act against their basic nature.
The sad part is, I know
The sad part is, I know you're right.
I don't expect to see any real benefit of doing any of it from BM's standpoint. Her offer/request is strictly to try and look good in the eyes of the court .. and DH's compromise would be strictly to NOT look like a grump refusing to co-parent in the eyes of the court.
At best, DH and me attending co-parenting therapy could just teach us both how to navigate our situation better; and how to deal with BM.
THIS^^^ Co-parenting only
THIS^^^
Co-parenting only works if both parents are willing to participate. DH said the only thing he learned in his co-parenting class was how to spend $400 in 8 hours & come out with nothing.
It covers everything common sense covers. If one parent is convinced that their way is the right way, nothing is going to change the way they do things.
Even if you believe she's trying to build a case for court, I wouldn't touch it. Your DH doesn't have to abide by her wishes to blow money on something he's capable of doing already. If BM feels she needs parenting classes, she can have at it.
I don't think your DH should feel obligated to feed her agenda. Honestly, if he has no intention of attending, I wouldn't even recommend he pretend to go along & then be too busy. That just drags it out & IMO, makes him out to be unreliable.
Wow .. $400? Co-parenting
Wow .. $400? Co-parenting classes here are $25 for a 6 hour course that's usually split over two sessions.
That sounds right. I can't
That sounds right. I can't remember the exact cost but it definetly wasn't in the $400 range. I think it was $30 for each participant ($60 total).
It was the one ordered by the
It was the one ordered by the family court judge. DH was ordered to pay both parts because BM had no income.
They had to each go for 8 1-hour sessions.
Holy cow!
Holy cow! :jawdrop:
WHAT!?!? Man, I feel like
WHAT!?!?
:jawdrop:
Man, I feel like sending your DH a couple of cases of beer. That's just wrong!
Maybe he can add some wording
Maybe he can add some wording to any "official" documentation needed (response to filings, etc) that he is very willing to attend co-parent counselors (or classes or whatever) if they can both agree on the therapist.
Then do NOT pick BM's personal therapist!
DH picked the one for the
DH picked the one for the girls and in one email response, she rejected it, agreed to it, and then said it was too far away from her house. The next email (30 minutes later) agreed to it again.
She didn't hesitate to call the office immediately and cancel the appointment though. So now DH is stuck trying to reschedule.
Any co-therapy they do will be tricky because they have very different insurance companies.
Do your DH and BM actually
Do your DH and BM actually coparent? My DH and BM don't really have anything to do with each other.. they just meet halfway on Friday after work so SD can visit with BM for the weekend and then again on Sunday afternoon to get SD back.
I would not attend parenting classes becuase I am not SD's parent. I also would not want my husband attending parenting classes with his ex girlfriend.. call me crazy but I don't see why that's something they should do together when they are no longer together. But just my opinion!
I wouldn't say they
I wouldn't say they co-parent. BM makes that damn near impossible.
DH won't attend a class with her; she seems to think there is more benefit when the parents attend together. No clue why.