Darling Wife is Enabling adult SS
This is kinda long so please read through it and let me know your thoughts.
I am a childless Step Father with a SS20. I first met SS20 when he was 10 and married his mother 2 1/2 yrs later. I met my DW when she was already divorced for about a year 10 yrs ago. Since SS20 was about 12 he has lived with us, in the beginning it was a 50/50 thing.(1 week here 1 week there) He didn’t want to live with his BF, he actually asked his mom if he can disown his BF. Well that didn’t happen. So I have been living around him for 10 years and living with him for 8. He has always had an attitude, been selfish, self-centered, unappreciative, and I can go on and on. And it frustrates me to no end, it really messes with me and he pushes all the right buttons. I have tried and tried to get along, and reason with him. I don’t get much support from BM/DW but when I do it's not much. I feel I have done quite a bit for him and his BM/DW to help him when ever he needed it every since I have met him. Some good things about him ( one of the reasons that I am still around ) he has always gotten good grades and has done well in his education, he doesn’t drink, do drugs, or smoke. He doesn’t go out and cause problems and he hangs out with a good crowd. (at least what I have seen) I have not been able to bond very well with him and Lord knows I have tried since I have met him. He doesn’t like to be told what to do and when he doesn’t do what he should he says Nobody told me. Or I forgot. Well I know better.
Any way he really doesn’t tell us very much about what he did in school and now college. Even though we are the ones paying his education. And it so happens to be 8 hours away. Couldn’t go to the local college and save us some $$$$ or even one closer. When he was a senior in High School he did nothing to try to get any of the available scholarships that he qualified for. And I mean nothing, even after his BM did all the research and made it really easy for him to apply for them he still did nothing. I discussed it with him and told him we needed him to help us pay for his college education but he just ignored me. Right then and there I knew he had the entitlement attitude. Now his BF does pay 1/2 and his BM/DW and I pay the other 1/2 of his college education. Were talking about dorms, food, transportation, what ever it takes for him to go to college. He is doing well and should get his degree in 2015 he wants to work in the medical field which will require much more education and more $$$$. He is so unappreciated for what we do that it just pisses me off. I would like to cut the cord but then that would put a wedge between me and DW. She enables him and that is driving me crazy. She makes good money and can handle the whole 50% by herself but then I won’t be a part of it and the relationship between me and DW will be affected. Now that he is in college his relationship is maybe a little better with BF because he is paying his share and gives him a credit card to use. But only for items outside of college and he monitors it very closely. Any way SS20 doesn’t like to tell us what we are spending our $$$$ on other then I need it for college. He has gone to other countries to study abroad and we flip the bill but he doesn’t share any of that experience with us. We are not rich by all means, and have to budget and cut where we can to pay for his education. But we would like to know what we are paying for and what he is experiencing. I know I don’t have much say in his education but his BF and BM/DW have certain expectations from him. It’s like he wants nothing to do with us except to pay his way in life.
I told DW that after he gets his degree he needs to get a student loan and learn some responsibilities. Since very early on I have tried to give him some responsibilities but his BM/DW would not support me and I would tell her it will ruin him and it will get worst as he gets older. I’m talking about cleaning up his own mess when he is done eating. Simple things , just rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher. Take out the trash, simple things. Well 8 years later he is better but come on what is so hard about it. Well his BM/DW will do everything for him. I just don’t know what to do. That’s just one example, I can go on and on and on. But I’m frustrated with him and his BM/DW. I try to get along but when I see her not trying to help her own son I have to get on this site and read about other step parent with the same issues just to stay sane. It’s like the only thing DW and I argue about is SS20. He has never really paid any consequences for anything he has done. Simple things like a late book from the library, breaking some thing, throwing a tantrum for not getting his way. I could go on and on like seeing something in the store(candy, food, snacks etc...) that he wants but it comes in a large pack, BM/DW would buy it and he’ll try one and if he doesn’t like it he just leaves it where it is and now we are left with something nobody wants. This has happened many, many, many times and not just with food, it could be anything that cost $$. He has never had a job or earned a penny in his life that I know of. Ok another one, fund raisers from school he would just gave it to BM/DW and she would take care of it. He wouldn’t even try. Or he would just leave it on the table and expect it to magical take care if itself. We're talking about fund raisers for his sport activities when he was in middle school and high school.
He is also really disrespectful to his BM/DW and I have many times gotten in his face and told him that is something he doesn’t do. I could go into details but let’s say it”s not pretty. No physical contact. Any way on Christmas day when we were on our way to my families gathering (he was driving his BM/DW’s car and I was in the back seat) his BM/DW was telling him how to drive (he has no car of his own) he told her to shut up. I came unglued and told him to shut up along with some other language. Well he pulled over and I said you want to go at it right here? ( he is 20 and bigger then me now ) well he turned around and headed home. So he wasn’t going to our Christmas gathering, he got out of the car and so did I. I was pissed and I got in his face and came really close to well let’s say I was shaking and not talking straight at that moment. He backed away and his BM/DW got in between us. I spoke my mine and he got the point. Well he went into the house and on his way in he told his BM/DW that he wasn’t coming home anymore. Well DW and I proceeded to go to the gathering and I could see she was really upset and crying. I told her I was sorry and that she should stay home with him. OK fast forward , so while I was gone they had a little discussion, he didn’t say much about me but he blamed it on on BM/DW and BF for the bad upbringing of him and that she irritates him when she tells him how to do something (how to go about cooking something, clean something or driving,or what ever....) and that makes him snap at her. I felt really bad or guilty of doing something wrong because I could see my DW was really up set and the thought of SS20 really not coming home and how it would affect DW. I don‘t really want to have to deal with that. Especially if it’s my fault. But she knows I will say something and stand up for her if he disrespects her. I understand he wants to be independent and his BM/DW has smothered him since I can remember. But that doesn’t give him the right to disrespect her. You would have to see how he does it, I can’t really describe it except it sets me off. He doesn’t talk to me that way or disrespects me at least to my face. So I know he can control it.
He is the same way with his dad or worse. I have heard lots of yelling between them. For what ever reason he doesn’t yell at me. Of course SS20 is an only child. Nothing is his fault, it’s always something else or someone else no matter what it is. He’s been like that since I’ve met him. So I know it’s not me that created his attitude. I thought it would get better as he got older but that is not the case here. I guess when I met DW I fell in Love and you know how love is blind. I sure found that out. I was told by a close friend of mine at the time that “ You will never Win “ so I was warned but still went forward.
DW will pretty much do what ever SS20 ask, and if she can’t do it then she will ask me to do it. It really puts me on the spot. DW knows I will pretty much do anything for her but when it’s for SS20 depending what it is I feel I am just being used. I am trying to disengage but am finding it is hard to do in a way that doesn’t affect the relationship I have with my DW. I have told her that from now on I will not tell him to do things he should be doing, and if it doesn’t get done then she will be doing it. I also told her not to communicate for him if he needs me for anything, in other words have him ask me instead of asking BM/DW to ask me. There always seems to be miscommunication when she is the go between. He expects everybody to read his mind.
I guess for me to get along in this house is to be a door mat, keep my mouth shut, live in a messy house, and open my bank account so SS20 can have everything his way.
Not sure if I am asking a question here or advise, but I would like some feedback from some of you that have similar experiences or even some questions so I can clarify myself. I know I just been rambling on probably because I’m not thinking too straight now a days. I am trying to semi disengage but I think it’s all the way or none.
My head started hurting at
My head started hurting at the point in your story where SS didn't complete any of the scholarship apps and where you are paying room/board, etc. BULL$HIT. You know what? I'd give my money to a needy person for college before I paid a penny of his tuition, books, or room and board. I've got a headache and it's not even MY LIFE! How do you do it?! Un freakin believable. You should write to Dr. Phil LOL
SS has a mother and a father
SS has a mother and a father who can both afford to pay 50/50 costs for his education. Let them. The only thing you can
Control here is whether or not you contribute to paying his Education costs. Seeing as your paying and he isn't telling you anything or making you feel part of his life. Stop paying. Let mum and dad do it. Mum is enabling him. You are enabling mum.
Your note hit close to home
Your note hit close to home for me and I can feel your pain. My SD19 was using my college discount (it's a benefit to me for working at a University) and it saved her 75% on tuition and I felt exactly like you, very used. She treated DH and I like crap, ignored us for months while living in our home and I felt so used and under appreciated. Do yourself a favor and stop contributing to SS's education, and anything else for that matter. Let his mom and dad parent him and save your money for someone who will appreciate it. My SD ended up quitting college but I learned a very important lesson, SK's have a mom and a dad and I am neither. I no longer do anything for either one of them and I no longer feel so much anger and frustration. So sorry
Yes, use your discount but
Yes, use your discount but don't bother to acknowledge you in your own home. Sounds so typical of an entitled skid. When skids were looking into college options, my SO actually suggested to them that they use this address as "residency" so they could get in-state tuition if they wanted to go to school in this state. Ha! Considering the skids don't even know my last name (even now - 10 years into my relationship with their dad) I thought this was a pretty nervy suggestion since the house is in my name, and was mine before we met. Thankfully, the skids went elsewhere or I would have probably felt like you - used when it suits their purposes and ignored otherwise.
Exactly, I really wish I
Exactly, I really wish I would have known when I married DH (4 years ago) that nothing I would ever do would be appreciated by SD or SS, I could have saved myself a ton of money and effort.
Good advice all around. Now
Good advice all around. Now the question: Will you take any of it?
The most important point others have made is that this situation is not going to change. The relationship between your DW and her son is long established and will most assuredly maintain this pattern for the rest of their lives. You will not change it. They are both incapable of changing it, too, and doubtful they will want to anyway. This is their "normal" and they don't see anything wrong with it.
And it won't be any different if SS goes out on his own, gets married and has kids. It will only be further complicated once grandkids are involved, and perhaps even worse.
IMO, the first thing you need to do is sever your financial connectedness to your DW as best you can. You MUST protect yourself and maintain your assets. (If you think DW or SS will help support you in your old age, keep dreaming. DW will ALWAYS make sure her baby boy and any of his resulting offspring are cared for FIRST.)
Tell DW that you will no longer support SS since he is an adult. Thus, you will contribute only YOUR SHARE to the financial upkeep of your house, utilities, etc. If SS will be staying with you, then DW needs to pay 2/3 of the costs incurred including groceries. Same goes with car insurance and other expenses that he costs the household.
If she balks at this, tell her that the future of your marriage depends on it - be honest and tell her how resentful you feel and that financial separation is one way for you to feel "better" and feel as though you are being used by SS. She has all the right in the world to let her son use her if that's what she has chosen, but that does not include you or your finances.
After you separate your finances, next disengage from any activity that will involve SS. You should be civil and polite to him as best you can but don't engage him other than is necessary. Don't try to remind him to clean up after himself, etc. because he's not listening to you anyway. Let the crap lay where he leaves it. If the house becomes too messy and his mom can't or won't keep up, then tell her you all need to hire professional housekeeping services and she can pay 2/3 of that bill, too.
When DW asks you to do something for SS, tell her that you're sorry but any assistance whatsoever that her ADULT SS needs is something she needs to handle.
I am also childless and have two skids who have been raised with silver spoons in their mouths. Same situation, they never had to worry a bit about their education, never had to have chores, never had any responsibility whatsoever and never worked until they finally graduated.
The best thing I did was NOT get married and kept our finances separate. If I had not, I doubt very much that my SO and I would still be together. Even though both skids are on their own (for now) there are still things he does that on their behalf that I don't agree with and annoy me - and things the skids do that I find very crappy. Thankfully these are few and far between occurances. If it happened with frequency or my money was involved, it would have been over a long time ago.
Especially since I don't have children. My SO has never known what it is like to have someone else's children to deal with, thus, he can choose to live in oblivion to what heartache some of this causes. If the tables were turned and I had kids who treated me and him in a similar manner, I will bet he would have a much different perspective.
"DW knows I will pretty much do anything for her ..." is a very telling statement and drives my final question: Will she do ANYTHING for YOU?
If she won't agree at least to financial separation, then perhaps a real physical separation may be the only alternative. If you both spend time alone for awhile, perhaps you can determine whether maintaining this relationship is best for you.
2tired4drama-----fantastic
2tired4drama-----fantastic well put advice. I would like to add, this young man doesn't respect his mother because he does not have to earn anything and can push her around. Those who can be walked on do not get respect. Don't allow yourself to be bullied by this young man (he's 20, not a kid). That includes your wife, if you would do anything for her even as she disrespects you, you will surely keep on being disrespected.
Thanks for the replies and
Thanks for the replies and feedback
As for the question : Do you feel like your relationship with DW is worth all this aggravation?
I thought it was but as the years go on I'm not sure, I have had some thoughts about leaving but I have some time and $$ invested in this. I do love my wife more then I can say. I planned to live the rest of my life with her. Both or us are in our 50's and planning our retirement. I have had thoughts that she would use some of our retirement to support him once his education is completed and he's not living with us. Or to a point where he can't get a job and support himself. I don't hate the kid, it's his attitude that messes me up. I am hoping he starts taking responsibility for his own life but I know he can't do anything until he has completed his education.
I know his education is not really my responsibility, but I have been in his life the last 10 years and want to see him be able to support himself. I rather pay now then to pay later. It also helps out my DW and if I didn't contribute I know that would really affect the relationship between DW and myself. Even though DW and I pay 25% it still a lot because of the choices that have been made. My 25% could have paid his first 4 years if done differently. As for boundaries, I really don't have much say in his education, I found that out early on.
Our finances are basically separate, we don't share a bank account, credit card, or checking account. Our retirement accounts are also separate. So as the bills for our home and living expense come in we share them. My wife doesn't disrespect me and other then SS20 she will do just about anything for me. She is a very caring person and YES, SS20 is taking advantage of that and abusing it. He can manipulate her in most cases. I know if I wasn't around he would definitely overrun her. I don't want to get in between both of them unless he starts raising his voice and disrespecting her when she is trying to help him. At this point talking to him or trying to reason with him on most issues does no good. And I am tired of trying to reason with him especially when he does his ignoring thing. I now know I can't change how things are, I thought as he got older it would get better. I thought he would realize that we are here to help him become a man and learn how to support himself and pay taxes. Maybe I'm fooling myself but I still think he can, but I also know his attitude will never change. My best bet is that he has his career and can support himself and he is out of our house and our bank accounts. I do want him to have a good relationship with his BM/DW because I know that is what she wants. I don't care if he hates me as long as he respects his BM.
And TOG you are right. I am the only one that has held SS20 accountable for his actions between BM/DW, BF and myself. I don't let him disrespect me and I made sure of that at the very beginning. SS20 has tested me early on and he didn't like the outcome because I would follow through with what I told him, unlike his BM/DW and BF. And I guess I am enabling DW.
Man this is messed up.
2tired4Drama , good advise
You have just made yourself a
You have just made yourself a whole heap of excuses for staying. Understandable. Staying no matter how bad the situation is, is always easier than leaving. It is easier to stay with what you know than face the fear of the unknown. Of making a new and better life for yourself.
If you choose to stay and continue paying for his education, do so.
But don't kid yourself it's because you'd rather support him now than later. You will always be supporting him in one way or another. This is how you, your wife and his father have raised him. And it's just easier to stay the course than to rock the boat.
Stay because of all the years invested. Stay because you tell people you believe one day he will
Support himself or for any other reason/excuse you come up with to justify staying when you know you shouldn't. But don't blame your SS or your wife for your decision to stay and put up with this. That decision is all on you. So if you choose to stay, if you choose to continue to pay for his education, do so. But don't get resentful or blame anyone else for your choices and decisions. Not your wife not your SS. This is all your own choice. If you see that, if you see that you really do have some responsibility for this and some control over this. If you accept you are making choices then perhaps some of the bitterness will
Subside and you will feel a little more able to stay without blaming and hating your SS. He is the least to blame here. He's just a product of his entitled upbringing which you to have helped maintain.
emotionaly beat up: Trust me,
emotionaly beat up:
Trust me, I have heard this before. I was warned before I made the decision to join this family. I thought I could deal with it, I hear you loud and clear, and of course you are right. It is my decision and nobody to blame. I am deeply in Love with DW and so that is what is making my situation so hard for me.(reason for my excuses to stay) If it wasn't for that I would have been gone a long time ago and started over. If it wasn't for SS20's attitude I wouldn't have a problem supporting him at least emotionally. For as much time and $$ that I put in for SS20 I'm not getting much in return or much satisfaction out of it. I have backed off and haven't put as much of my emotions in to SS20 very much lately which has helped me stay calm when he is here. My way of trying to disengage some what. I don't tell him to do anything any more, I don't ask him about any of his activities or even his thoughts. I don't even acknowledge he is in the same room when I enter or if he enters. But I am polite and if he ask me something I am thoughtful and will answer with concern. I let BM/DW take care of the rest. So I'm trying to stay away from him and it has helped me but his attitude is the same as others here have mentioned. I started this about a month ago, so after next week I think I will see him for a few days during spring break. He will be taking summer classes during the summer break so I will see him then for just a couple of weeks. And as for raising him he was already this way when I met him when he was 10. His BF is the same way, the reason BF and BM/DW got a divorce. The same reason SS20 won't stay with his BF. If I had a real say in how SS20 was raised it would have be completely different. I know how I was raised and he was raised with BF disrespecting and hitting BM/DW. That doesn't happen in our house.
Thanks for your feedback, I need to hear it.
You made the fatal mistake
You made the fatal mistake many of is have made. Myself included. You loved your spouse so much you forgot to love yourself. In not loving yourself you lose self respect.
You may have got him as a ten year old entitled spoiled brat, but had you put some importance on your own needs instead of always looking after your wife's you would've said your son doesn't get away with that in my home. You would have put in place acceptable standards of behavior in your home, and you would've stuck to it. We all learn that lesson too late.
However while you cannot change your wife and your SS. It's not to late to change yourself. It is time you told your wife that retirement is looming and you will no longer contribute to her ungrateful sons education until SHE sorts him out.
When you accept being treated with disrespect from the steps and our spouses and make no
Mistake your wife is being disrespectful towards you by allowing this, it just becomes a habit for them to completely
Disregard your feelings on anything. You allowed that. I know. I let my husband, my soul mate., the man of my
Dreams disrespect me for years. I tolerated him allowing his spawn of satan daughter to drive me into such a state
Of despair I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was then I realised I loved him too much and he knew it. Instead of valuing that he treated me as I treated myself. I was last on my own list of priorities he came first. So he put me last on his list and himself first. Things didn't change till I realised how he was treating me and in realising that I began to value myself. I refused to continue living with a spouse that put himself and his daughter above me. I banned this evil woman from my home. She will never step foot in it again. And I told my husband to go with her. When I lost the fear of losing him. When he knew that. Then he wanted me and he no longer treats me like the village idiot.
If you want change. You have to start with yourself. You have to get over that fear of losing her. She knows how you feel. She knows she can get away with this. She has to know those days are over. You respect yourself and you won't be handing money over to her rude son if she can't sort him out and both she and him can
Show some appreciation.
Bravo and ditto to what EBU
Bravo and ditto to what EBU says.
Maybe you need to spend some time examining your definition of what "love" is.
If you read between your own lines above, you will see that your DW does not seem to support YOU in many ways although you have been supporting her and her son unconditionally. Were your marriage vows one-sided, or did both of you swear to honor, respect and support each other - above all others?
Her definition of "love" in your relationship may be very one-sided; for her to be the receiver and you to be the giver.
Of course the reason she gets away with that because she knows she's "gotcha."
Be honest, maybe your relationship is based on the Cinderella syndrome where you feel you need to rescue her in some way.
But don't count on that solidifying your relationship forever. Because from what I've seen, women like this will dump one rescuer for a better one once he comes along. It would be easy for her because despite her claims of love for you, she knows she's got the upper hand. If a better deal comes along, she's not as emotionally invested in you as you are in her. So she'll move off to greener pastures. Probably once Sonny Boy is launched.
That could be the future in store for you.