What else can I do?
I'm new here and am feeling completely lost in being a SM. My SO and I have been together for 3 years. I have a son (7), SS ( 8 ) and SO and I have a toddler son together. For the past year SS has started being really negative towards me. In conversation, anything that I like he is quick to jump in and say he doesn't like. He makes a point to say that when I cook dinner he doesn't like it but if dad or anyone else makes it he loves it. I would say good night to him, or hi to him when he would get to our house for his weekend and he would flat out ignore me. He’s even started lying to people to make me look bad. During the holidays we were at a family members house on SO’s side and everyone was playing a card game with SS. At the end of the day someone mentioned to him that he played that game with everyone. SS quickly said, “SM didn’t play with me!” I was standing right behind him when he said this and quickly corrected him that yes I had played that game with him 4 times!!!
SO has been really supportive of me and is constantly correcting SS to be more respectful and making sure he doesn’t ignore me. But I feel like that is back firing because I feel like I look like the bad guy and that he is getting in trouble with Dad because of me. But if we don’t basically push him to be kind he just acts as if I don’t exist. So I keep flip flopping. I don’t want to force him to interact with me but if I don’t it will never happen.
This past weekend my son was with his dad and I had my toddler and SS. SO had to be gone for the majority of Saturday. I played video games with SS, board games, baked cookies with him, ate dinner with him, talked with him etc. I thought things were going really well. Then Sunday came and my BIL, his wife and kids came over for dinner. SS’s BM showed up to pick him up. SO told SS to go around and say bye to everyone. SS walked right past me (well, wedged himself between me and a couch) to his Aunt who was standing a foot away from me to give her a HUG!! He didn’t even acknowledge me!! After he was done saying goodbyes and left me out I looked at him while he was next to his mom and said bye. My feelings are so hurt. SO and I got into a huge fight over it. He thinks I should have called SS out on it and made him hug me. I didn’t want to force him to do that in front of everyone.
This is a regular occurrence. I feel like dirt to SS when I try so hard to bond with him. SO and I keep fighting about it. I feel like he doesn’t understand how it feels because my son is very outgoing and affectionate so he has never treated SO this way. How do I break through SS’s wall and make a connection with him? I interact all the time and I’m still seen as an enemy. I don’t know where to go from here 
Sounds like loyalty issues.
Sounds like loyalty issues. His dad is right--he should not only be called out on it but punished if he chooses to be blatantly disrespectful. However, his dad should be the one to do it.
Think of it this way--when he grows up, do you want him to be the kind of person who thinks he can treat someone poorly simply because he doesn't like them? It's not going to go well when he starts work.
Do you want your child to model after him because hey, if big bro can be disrespectful to adults, I can too.
Have you guys asked him why he is doing this?
I agree, I haven't raised my
I agree, I haven't raised my son to treat people that way and he never has. I certainly don't want my youngest to act like that either! We have sat down with SS multiple times to ask him why he treats me this way when all I am is kind to him. He will just sit there teary eyed and only shake his head, yes/no or shrug his shoulders. He won't speak or will just cry and say he doesn't know. I do think it is a loyalty thing as well. I guess it is just something we have to push until he catches on that it's the right thing to do. It's so hard to work on when we only have him every other weekend.
Of course it's a loyalty
Of course it's a loyalty issue! That is obvious. But how to handle it is the question. If I were you, I would simply say, "I know you feel awkward toward me when your mom is near, and I know you want her to know that you love her, but when you ignore me, it hurts me. Is there a signal we can share that's just between us so you won't feel like you are hurting your mom?" And come up with something together. It can be a special fist bump or even a wink. And then you can have hours of fun teaching him how to wink LOL. This is not a discipline issue, nor a respect issue. He is torn, and too young to "fix it" on his own. Nobody knows what is going on or being said to him in his home. What if his mom yells at him or cries, "You love HER more than ME!" We NEVER know what the kid is really dealing with, and in this case, it really is an easy fix. And he will appreciate you "getting it." He will come to you about things more in the future because he thinks you understand what he's dealing with.
Are you guys and BM on good
Are you guys and BM on good terms, if so, I'd have her speak to him about this too. I'm sure she wouldn't want her son to turn into an a-hole either (if she's sane.)
I wish but no. SO and her
I wish but no. SO and her can't speak without screaming at each other so now her and I communicate when it comes to SS. SO insists that BM is probably saying bad things about me to him. I don't know that's the case but he knows her better than I do. She is a very self centered, the world revolves around me, everyone cater to me I need all the attention in the world type of person. When SO mentions to her that he would like more time with SS she literally laughs at him and tells him the idea is ridiculous. She doesn't want SS to want to be at our place so I doubt she would help. If she had an idea what was going on she would exploit it.
Sounds like jealousy. You
Sounds like jealousy. You have a bio son and now a son with SS's dad. Sounds to me like SS is trying to come to terms with that fact he is not your bio kid. He loves his mother of course but he loves you and Dad too. He's relatively young and sounds like he is having difficulty verbalizing that he is worried you wont love him as much.
You sound like an awesome SM and you do a lot with him but he's going to push you. He wants to see how much you will take until his suspicions and fears are confirmed. When will you tell him "I dont love you anyway"? Of course you wont but he is afraid of that, it sounds like. Sorry to try and armchair diagnose SS but I think he's just trying to reinforce to himself that you really will unconditionally love him. Perhaps you and DH could leave your other two with friends or family, take SS somewhere special or even just a park or something and chat with him. Reinforce to him that no matter what, even though he is not your bio son that you will love him and always have time for him. You may have to do a bunch a times but eventually it will sink in.
Also kudos to your DH for being a great dad and a supportive husband.
I also second this but do not
I also second this but do not think they should reward bad behavior. However, I think if he can show to be respectful and nice over a period of time, then they can reward him with a special trip. No good ever comes out of reinforcing the idea that you can treat someone poorly and they should still love you. Even if they are your parents or step parents.
You can always reinforce the idea that you love them, say it often, and reason it through but make sure they understand that bad behavior does not get rewarded, and there are people in the world who they love, friends they have, that, if they are mean to, will leave them because they don't want to be treated badly.
IMHO, children need to understand that their actions have consequences, trying to soften and sugar coat and lying to them that they can't break relationships by being mean is doing a disservice to them (and the people around them.)
My apologies, it wasnt my
My apologies, it wasnt my intention to mean he gets a special trip per se but just alone time with DH and SM so he can see they are focusing only on him at that moment. I agree that nothing should be sugarcoated but at same time, he's 8. He's also got a mom that apparently cant be civil with his dad. More than likely, BM is putting her two cents in and he's torn. But no, I dont think he should get away with it.
And it's quite possible BM is
And it's quite possible BM is pushing him to be disengaged from you because SHE is jealous and threatened. If so, she's an idiot.
That would make it difficult
That would make it difficult then...
I would reason with SS over and over again, after whatever punishment (maybe a time out or toys taken away) your SO deems appropriate, until you guys get to the bottom of it or your SS "gets" it. Communication is the most important thing when it comes to irrational emotions, even though people often say kids won't understand. Then come to a solution together.
I think something along the lines of "Is SM nice to you?"
"Then why are you mean to her?"
"Do you like hurting her feelings?"
"Do you want to be a good person?"
"Good people are nice to people who are nice to them."
"If someone isn't nice, what do you think their punishment should be?"
"If you aren't nice, what do YOU think your punishment should be?"
Etc.
This kind of linear correlation is. what strong basic morals and values are made of, and I think he could benefit from it. Letting him choose a punishment (from a set of course--no TV for two days/no dessert/no video games etc.) shows him that he himself is responsible for what happens due to his actions. A lot of kids don't have personal responsibility because they see punishments and consequences as something that just happens to them, not as something that they caused themselves.
Alternatively you can get him to a counselor or therapist who will work with him through his feelings.
Thank you guys! I really
Thank you guys! I really appreciate the insight. I think I will just keep pushing along with SO and working on making him see his behavior and that it isn't right. It's really hard and I feel like giving up sometimes but when he comes back the next time I let it all go and try again. When the weekend is over it just hurts again. Hopefully after time and staying on top of him with it things will start to turn around.
I went through this with both
I went through this with both my stepkids at different ages. It is definitely loyalty. In my case BM actually told the kids to be mean to me, or called me names, would say things like "well if you love her so much, why dont you ask her to be your mother and stop visiting me!" (came out in the kids therapy). It was really bad for a while. All it was is that the kids loved me and were told I was an evil "satan's person" and they shouldnt like me. It is/was so sad for them, as some of it continues to this day. You got a lot of great advice above. Keep being there for them, talk with him alone about how it hurts your feelings, but I think the best for me was to let them know I understood how they feel (im a step child too), and that its ok that they dont want to hurt their mom. Reassuring them that I will never stop loving them, even if they feel they have to act that way. And that I"m sorry they feel they have to, its not fair to them to feel that way.
My husband actually tells SS that if it makes his life easier to talk crap on us along side BM and Stepdad, and laugh at their mean jokes, it is ok. It hurts his feelings, but if it makes ss's life easier while with BM that he won't be mad at him- just to remember that his dad loves him and isn't what they say he is. --- This is a current issue, that BM will say something super negative and then SS will go along with it, and then come home crying to us bc he feels bad that he said mean things or laughed at a mean joke. Its heart breaking.
Anyway. Try not to take it personal. I know it is so hard. But this isn't coming from SS's actual feelings for you. His poor heart is torn and for whatever reason (BM or not) he feels he can't love you both. Just be a constant, loving, caring person and he will move past it with time.
Also, why is BM coming inside to pick him up? It sounds like this adds to the stress of SS, have her wait in the driveway. He is old enough to walk outside alone- or have DH walk him out. Dont add to his stress by making her and you be in the same place. He will always choose her, and feel like he has to make a choice. Not fair for the lil guy