Just married and this...
We weren't going to get married until 7/7/14 but he talked me into getting married sooner 8/31/13. We dated for three and a half years. His wife has custody of his two children. I have a 20 year old who is in college. We might have gotten married sooner but it took my now husband two years to decide if my son could live with us. He wanted me marry him and live in two houses his and mine (where my son is) they are a hour apart. But I couldn't fathom the idea of being split between places. So I made the date further out 7/14. He finally decides its ok for all of us to reside in the same house. We hardly see my son he goes to college cleans up after himself and is hardly there.
Three weeks after we got married he tells me his kids want to move in with us. They are 12 and 15. We just got married and there was no talk of his kids moving out of his ex's house. I asked him if he planned this and he said no. But it feels very planned to me. But I then thought "she isn't going to give up the child support", Besides I already married him. My husbands "mother" has been very involved in trying to get the kids to move in with their dad (him). Now one of them has moved in (yesterday) and the paperwork has gone through the courts.
Now it looks like grandma is trying to get the other 12 year old to move in. I am so stressed out having just moved out of my home and into his, and now having an unexpected or wanted (I don't want) 15 year old living there 24/7. I feel as if my world is ending and that I have made a horrible mistake. Having given away my furniture and making my son move. I don't seem to have any say in my life. I feel angry and manipulated its like I just hate everyone. I don't want to go back there or live there.
The 15 year old tells grandma everything he sees (not accurately) and the house is small. Before he moved in there wasn't a me space not there is no privacy either. Am I wrong to feel mad and upset? Yes I accepted the seeing them every other weekend but if I knew this was going to happen I would and at least waited until 7/14 to see what the situation looks and feels like. Im just feeling hurt and tricked.
I am 50 I didn't want to be cleaning up after someone else's kids when I am nearly 60.
Don't sell your house. You
Don't sell your house. You may have given your furniture away already but don't let the house go. It gives you an out to escape to and a 'home' to return to if your marriage doesn't work out. Your new DH has pulled a 'fast one' on you and you have every right to feel upset. Yes, if anything ever happened to BM you knew Dad would get the kids fulltime, but what is happening now is not what you agreed to. Something unexpected happening and DH having no choice but to receive primary residency is one thing...but to lie and deceive as your DH did with the plans for his children was extremely unfair to you. He knew you would have waited about marriage if he had primary so it's no wonder you feel tricked.
Now is time to make crystal clear to DH that you are not the maid and caregiver to the skids. At 15 the skid is plenty old enough to clean up after self and also to have household responsibilities. Agree to and set household rules and stand strong on expectations. These skids are his responsibility. Not yours. If Dh/skids don't follow through, you pack your bags and you go back to your house. Even if it's empty. But know if it comes to leaving that you don't use it as a threat. If you say it, do it and mean it. You're 50 years old. You don't have to stay in a marriage raising kids. He may have tricked you, but he can't trap you. You have an out.
I have to agree with Echo.
I have to agree with Echo. When you live with or marry someone with minor children, there is always a chance that they may end up living with you.
Telling him that his minor children can't move into HIS home, won't go over well at all. Yet your adult son can. :?
I don't see how there can be any middle ground here. You either accept the kids living there or end the marriage.
I knew that might happen one
I knew that might happen one day. Three weeks into the marriage isnt the same thing. I feel like he did know and so did his parents I was the one that thought everything was fine at the time I married him. His mother (grandmother)slipped and told me on the phone that the daughter Emily 12 isnt moving in until the beginning of the school year? Yet as far as I know she is living with her mom? How does the grandma DH's mom know this and yet I live here and know nothing. When I told DH he said nothing just that Emily is with her momBM and that her mom isnt giving her up. So who do I believe? DH or DH's mom?
I did and he said they were
I did and he said they were happy where they were.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice.
Biggest thing you HAVE to
Biggest thing you HAVE to know when you marry a man with kids, BM could drop dead or go to jail any day and they could end up there 24/7. If you can't deal with that, don't marry.
Well you ignored that
Well you ignored that churning feeling in the pit of your
Stomach and went ahead and married him. Look
How that's turned out for you. Now that feeling is in the pit of your stomach
All over again. Don't ignore it. You will regret it again if you
Do. It's your intuition telling you now as it did before. Get the hell out. You've been used.
Your right I did ignore it.
Your right I did ignore it. That was why I wanted to wait I was thinking better safe that sorry. I wish I knew then what I know now.
I can see why you feel
I can see why you feel tricked. My first thought was that he has a new wife to take care of his kids for him. My own husband was more than happy to "check out" of the parenting and leave everything to me.
If this is the case, you would be co-parenting through the most difficult teen years. I've already been there, done that, counted down the days until they were out of the house. The stress stinks!
If you feel you need to move back to your house, do it. Don't feel embarrassed about your decision. Ask around for furniture. Ask relatives, friends, your church, neighbors. Look or ask in the free section on Craigslist and on Freecycle. Someone has furniture just sitting in their garage they'd love to get rid of. Where we live there is also a place that rents furniture for corporate apartments that will sell you a whole houseful of gently used furniture for under $2,000.
Thank you I feel like a I
Thank you
I feel like a I married one person and got another.
That seems... suspicious. I
That seems... suspicious.
I don't think you're wrong to feel upset at all. This is egregious. And it really does sound like it was planned. Maybe it wasn't, but it just sounds suspicious.
This isn't what you signed up for, and being hurt is completely rational.
I feel hurt, lied too,
I feel hurt, lied too, tricked, just like a bad joke was played on me. Thank you for understanding.
He knew what was about to
He knew what was about to happen, and he didnt tell you. Those kids mother want to make you miserable!
I feel it's a bit suspicious,
I feel it's a bit suspicious, did your husband ever hint that he was wanting his kids to live with you, if he really never bought it up then I would be speaking up and telling him no, it Would be different if something were to happen to their mother then of course you would step up, but if this has just been forced on you then no way, sounds to me like he is being manipulated by his mother, when you married him and moved into his home then that also became your home, and as for someone comparing your son to his that's not right, big difference to a 20 year old attending collage to a 12 year old and a 15 year old, make a stand but I doubt it will make much difference to him
I am very upset. I want to
I am very upset. I want to move right now. But im trying to be civil through xmas which is in a few days. My DH is acting like nothing is happening. I cant say anything because his son can hear everything and I will be the bad guy and the conversation then repeated back to the grand parents. We are supposed to go there for xmas I don't know how I'm going to fake this, omg.
o
o
(No subject)
:jawdrop: