Hi Everyone, I'm trying out this forum after being severely ridiculed on a parenting site for daring to ask the "when does it end?" question about access visits, so I'm hoping for a little more understanding here.

Little bit of background to explain;

DH & I have been married about 18 months, together 4 years, baby on the way.

Stepkids bio mum - your typical money hungry, manipulative so-and-so, but we do get along okay. Split up with DH approx 7 yrs ago when she did the wrong thing. 2 boys chose to live with her because she totally lacks discipline and lets them get away with everything. Gets lots of formal and informal respite for SS1.

Stepson 1 - nearly 19, mildly autistic with an intellectual disability. He wants to have all the advantages of being an adult, but none of the responsibilities. Encouraged by his mother to stay dependent on her. Does whatever he can, especially lying about being sick, to get out of any sort of work. Can be very social and an absolute character.

Stepson 2 - 17 years old, currently very frustrated that his brother gets treated like a child by their mother, and the fact he's treated like a live in babysitter. Doing much better in school now than previous years and is finally maturing nicely, although still a bit socially awkward. Unfortunately takes after his mother making BS excuses why he hasn't or can't do something.

DH adores his boys, calls them almost every night to ask about their day and we occasionally catch up for a spontaneous mid-week dinner in addition to them staying with us every other weekend. Sadly he gets very frustrated with the boys and (mostly) their mother, because she ignores any input he wants to have in regards to parenting and what the boys should or shouldn't be doing, and the boys follow her lead because it's always the easy way out - I swear the 3 of them are allergic to any form of hard work!

We have gotten to a point where we are both over the mandatory access visits every other weekend. We have tried so many activities to try and engage the boys, but like typical teens they are happiest left alone to sloth on the couch playing video games and eating. They only ever appear interested in anything which costs a lot of money to do, or the potential for us to buy them stuff (i.e more video games!).

Whilst we know this is very typical behaviour for teenage boys, DH can't help but feel he's being used by them as a cash cow and by their mother as a convenient babysitter. I get peeved about that, and their laziness about cleaning up after themselves at our house. We have just built a new house, and the mortgage doesn't leave us with a lot of spare cash to blow on them. DH & I both work full time.

Legally the access visits are no longer applicable to 19 year old SS1, but we still continue to have both the boys since SS2 is under 18. Not an issue, but sometimes SS2 will call up and ask what we're doing that weekend - if he doesn't like the sound of it he will choose to stay at home playing games, but SS1 will still get dumped on our doorstep - where all he wants to do is play video games too.

PLEASE understand that I am not advocating for the boys to spend less time with DH and I, but the fortnightly overnight visits are not working well for what they are intended. We want to develop normal, healthy adult relationships and interactions with the boys and spend quality time with them (despite our efforts this just isn't happening in the current setup).

SS1 will say that he still wants to come and stay with us, because that's a "safe" routine, and his mother coaches him to say things like that. I want to reiterate that she gets a lot of time away from her carers responsibilities (which she is paid for) - in addition to us every 2nd weekend, she will frequently put him in overnight respite, he's supposed to work 2 full days a week and has a carer take him out a couple of afternoons a week for several hours. She will also get some of her friends to look after him, and will insist on SS2 babysitting him at home if she wants to go out during the week. She's also putting him in a centre for another couple of days a week. Basically apart from buying him (junk) food and letting him have days off whenever he feels like it (if convenient for her) she doesn't actually have to "care" for him much at all - let alone spend quality time with the boys or teaching them things to work towards independence - which they are both very capable of achieving.

We obviously don't want to just suddenly stop and make them feel like they're unloved, because that's not the case, but we just don't know how to handle this transition phase without simply feeling like glorified babysitters the rest of our lives. We are trying to figure out a way to transition both the boys from the fortnightly weekend stays to something that will be more meaningful and satisfying for them and DH and I, but unsure how to go about this??