Dear Prudie:

Q. Wedding Invites: I'm getting married next August in a small, private ceremony and having an intimate reception with about 50 people. My problem is what to do about my father. He and my mother split up three years ago because he was having an emotional and physical affair with a married co-worker. I have not met this woman and have no desire to, especially whereas my mother is still so hurt by the affair and can't even bring herself to refer to my father by anything other than “him” or “he.” I don't see my father frequently. Maybe once every couple of months or so. Would it be acceptable to invite him to the small ceremony at city hall being attended by JUST family? Or do I have to invite him to the reception as well, where he'd likely have no one to talk to, and would upset my mother?

A: Usually the question I get on this theme is from the child who wants to include both parents, but the mother is demanding the father be struck from the guest list and saying if he's there, she won't be. Your situation is different in that you're going along with your mother's belief that your father's behavior puts him outside the circle of people who are included in normal social intercourse. Your father cheated on your mother. I am not offering a defense of him, nor do I know anything about your parents' marriage. You probably wouldn't want to know, but would it make a difference to you if your father explained that about 10 years ago your mother decided she was no longer interested in sex? I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it happens. Your father's behavior caused the painful break up of your parents' marriage. But he is not a pedophile or a murderer. He's a guy who had an affair and his marriage ended. Your mother may forever refer to your father as "he," but I don't see any reason for you to go along with this. Your mother lost a husband, but you didn't lose a father. However, you are on your way to virtually severing a relationship with him. You don't explain the reasons for your semi-estrangement. It could be that following the affair he decided to cut you off. If so, shame on him. I'm guessing you sided with your mother and have decided to have minimum contact with him. It could be you would find yourself punished by your mother if she knew you were having a normal relationship with him.

August is a long way away, and instead of worrying about the invitation list to your wedding, I think you should decide to have a more normal relationship with your father—unless of course, he's the problem. You don't have to ask your mother's permission about this; you are engaged to be married, that means you're an adult. As far as the wedding is concerned, I don't see any reason you don't invite your father to the ceremony and reception. You need to start working now on letting your mother know that there are going to be events over the years that will require them to cordially be in the same room together. And your wedding is a good place to start.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/12/dear_prudence_i...