Child moving in next year. What to expect and how do I prepare for it?
So, I've been with my BF for almost 4 years now. He has two kids (both boys now 15 and 5) that live with their mother in another state. They visit us every Christmas for about a month, so I normally give them the space they need by being scarce during that time.
Next year, his eldest will be coming to live with us to attend high school (his choice) and I am kind of freaking out.
When we first started getting serious, I made it clear to BF that I never wanted children, and had no desire to be a mother (he knew this from day one) and we both happily agreed that I would not play the roll as "step-mom", and all parental responsibilities would be his. As far as everyone is concerned, I am just another adult, and this has worked really well during their stays because we (the kids and I) have that child/adult acquaintance respect for each other, and give each other adequate space..
Now that the eldest is moving in, I have no idea what to expect.
I had someone tell me that it would be easiest to treat the 15yo the same as I would if he were BF's brother. I think this is a great idea but it's just not enough, as a child requires more time and attention, and I am unable to relate or bond with children.
I have a year to prepare myself, but it's breaking my heart knowing that it may involve having to move on.
Has anyone ever been through this or something similar? How do you adapt to a sudden dependent entering you life without breaking up the relationship with your significant other?
Well, I haven't been through
Well, I haven't been through this, but it is a really difficult position. You are going to be faced with somewhat of a different position because you can't make yourself scarce for the next 3 years of high school. I wouldn't necessarily try to change the nature of the relationship after 4 years of creating this as the norm. But you and your husband will likely need to have some serious hours of talking through what the rules, expectations, things that drive you guys up the wall, what are fair consequences, etc. If you don't, you are going to find that something seemingly small ends up being the straw that broke the camel's back - like your SS eating all of your favorite snack for the 6th week in a row. If this is not laid out up front - how do you both expect to live and what is fair to ask him to change - right from the get go, you're in trouble.
I'd also say that your relationship with the SS doesn't necessarily need anything different if that is what works best for you. Teenagers don't tend require more parental time, but less as the social aspects of their life increase in importance. You may be surprised to find that you might want more after a while since your husband and his son might turn into the dynamic duo with the relationship that you've set up, leaving you by yourself to feel a little lonely.
First of all, he is 15 (16 by
First of all, he is 15 (16 by the time he moves in?) so I don't think he's going to need (or want) more time and attention from you, so I wouldn't worry about that. He is going to need it from his dad, so you will have to be prepared for that.
If your BF does his parenting and you and the kid keep the respect/relationship that you have now, that would be a good start.
However, know that anything can happen. Once he lives there, his attitude can change. He's a teenager, so his attitude can change (daily sometimes!). Unfortunately, your BF's attitude may change as well.
What if BF then wants the younger one to move in, also?
So, there is a lot to discuss with your BF before this happens (finances, for sure). Even if he does do all of the parenting, having a kid in the house when you never wanted any is hard.
I never wanted children and was very lucky to have escaped either of DH's daughters coming to live with us. I am not sure I would have survived it. Well, I would have survived, somebody else might not have.
First off, thank you for your
First off, thank you for your input - I've spent the last few days reading through past posts, and I am so grateful this community is here.
To answer the common questions, SS is wanting to move in with us because the schools available to him do not provide the culinary arts programme he is after, so, motive is no concern... for now.
Admittedly, I feel as though maybe I'm working myself up a bit, and a nice long chat with BF to reaffirm where things will be going is in order.
Again, thank you
A few things to prepare
A few things to prepare for:
1. Unfortunately, people aren't always honest with their partners, and sometimes aren't honest with themselves. He is saying now that he understands you are not interested in taking on the "mother" role, but this likely will not remain the case. Maybe your partner is one of the few men on the planet that have kids, and are only looking for a partner for themselves, and not a stand in mother for their child. Still, it would be prudent to consider that his desires may change, and ask yourself if you are still willing to be in a relationship with him if it does. You were completely honest with him about your intentions regarding his child. You could tell him a hundred times you don't want to play mommy but on some level, he may be hoping that your feelings will change because HIS KIDS are special. He wants to be with you, and please you now. Over time, he may be disappointed in the relationship, and resent you for not eventually developing those maternal feelings. If this occurs, as much as he enjoys the relationship with you, he will be forced to compartmentalize, living one life with you, and another with his son, while all are living under the same roof. Sound fun?
2. BM's circumstances could change at some point. She may get used to not having the added responsibility of her eldest child, even enjoy the break. Then she will justify that you and your partner will have his child/children full time.
3. Living with a teenager is no small undertaking. Teenaged boys don't always have the best hygiene. Be prepared for bad smells, horrifying surprises in your bathroom accompanied by a strong sense of entitlement, disregard for your feelings, a tremendous amount of noise, more bad smells, and a partner not always understanding why this is a problem. Maybe this kid isn't a typical teenager. For your relationships sake, I hope he isn't.