"Dad is very selfish and refuses to validate feelings... " - Really? Give me break!
One of our SDs could have written this... I actually burst out laughing reading it this morning, so much it sounded like the whine of the immature, narcissistic, entitled brat. See below. I cannot believe that the Wash. Post columnist feels good about "validating" this princess's drivel!
Dear Carolyn:
Haven’t spoken to my father for 2.5 years, for various reasons that boil down to his being very selfish and refusing to validate feelings.
He called the other day. Many, many people in my life think that I should let [my grudge] go because “that’s just how he is,” and that I’m depriving him of my child (born after I cut him off).
I’d love a relationship with him, but his message didn’t indicate any desire to resolve issues, simply to brush them under the rug. Thoughts?
Calling Dad
There isn’t much for me to go on here, but I do feel comfortable saying that I support unconditionally those who sever ties to people who are harmful to them.
When people are merely disappointing, though, then my advice is to try instead to accept that no one will ever be who you want them to be. We even let ourselves down by that standard. So, if that’s the case with your dad — that your main complaint is his not being the dad you wish he’d be — then think of what you want from yourself, and from other people.
You want to be accepted and loved as you are, right? And forgiven your shortcomings? And not set up to fail?
You can’t make anyone give you these things, but you can show how it’s done by calling him with your expectations set to “naught.” Given that Dad’s shortcomings appear to be of long standing, just make sure you go into it knowing your integrity is your only certain reward.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-when-love-come...
When I read about your
When I read about your apathetic Dad I wonder if DH's children have some of those feelings about him. Right now he probably does look like an apathetic Dad to his older 3, he doesn't phone them much or make special efforts to keep up to date with them. He doesn't have the same level of drive I have to maintain close contact with people, but overall his backseat stance with them has more to do with the fact that they have chosen to make their mother the sole hub of their family, and he has felt second best so many times that he tends not to put himself up for the hurt by pushing for more. They don't seem to want to stay here - they always stay at their Mums 10 minutes away, so he has given up asking them. If they come over we just assume they're only going to want to stay a couple of hours and then hot foot back to their mums, so that's how he arranges things. He is always keen to help if they reach out,- he spent an entire day car hunting with SD23 at the drop of a hat when she asked him to help her look at cars, but he doesn't plan visits to them, or ask them to stay, or make many plans with them. I used to encourage him to do so, but I rarely get involved now because my last attempt to intervene when 2 of them hurt him over his brothers funeral did not end well and has resulted in a cooling in my relationships with them.
Sometimes these things are a bit chicken and egg - who started not making an effort first. And both parties can have different perceptions and feelings about who started it first. The SDs were teens when they started relegating DH to a back seat role, I doubt they really understand what they did or how he felt about it - unfortunately he is very averse to sharing his real feelings with them, and has a tendency to blame himself. I imagine they might think DH is now more interested in me and our 3 children than in them. It's not true, but he does tend to focus on the little people who give him a lot back rather than the grown up children who too often make him feel slighted, perhaps not even intentionally, but certainly without enough consideration of their Dads feelings. We would both like them to be more involved with us, we just don't put ourselves on the line by pushing for it any more. Sometimes I fall into self doubt and think maybe we should be the ones making the effort, but I am pretty sure it would make no difference if we did.
Who knows the real history between the girl that wrote that letter and her Dad. She doesn't have your experience or maturity and what she wrote suggests she is pretty self involved with her unvalidated feelings and hasn't tried to have any insight into her relationship with her father or his motives. Perhaps he's another Dad who looks selfish because he gave up making the effort and was too wary to show his real feelings. In that sense the columnists advice was good - she should be careful to make a distinction between people that damage and people that just don't live up to expectations before eliminating her Dad altogether, especially when there is another generation involved.
Comments on the website: I'm
Comments on the website:
I'm curious if Calling Dad's father acted the same way when she was a teenager and probably "selfish and refused to validate feelings" (whatever that means). Did he stop talking to her as well or did he just trudge on with his lousy job and make sure she had food on the table and a roof over her head.
A grand-child can transform people. My dad is a very different person with his grand-children than he was with us. Does it mean he came out and told us he wished he had done things differently? No. But in the case of LW2, he reached out to her, she needs to reset her expectations to zero and not deprive her child of her grand-father and vice-versa.
When you are really grown up, you won't need Daddy to validate your feelings and he can go back to just being a real person in your life. Nice touch refusing to let him see the baby.
I stopped speaking to my father a year and a half ago. It was probably something similar; the emotional neglect when growing up, the ridicule whenever I expressed any emotion at all, his constant disdain for everyone, unending negativity, and his overall selfishness. After one of his tirades, I just couldn't take it anymore. As far as I can tell, he has absolutely no interest in talking with me, either.
However, I draw the line at asking the rest of the family to take sides. My kids always call him on birthdays and holidays, and he's always invited to their events. My problems with him are not their problems.
Not to be too insensitive to the situation of LW (but about to be a little so), her father's "refusing to validate feelings" is supposed to be a reason not to respond when he tries to re-connect? Really?
In my experience those who toss around such phrases generally are operating in their own little worlds, and LW might wish to consider whether she is a chip off the old block in the realm of selfishness.
The writer is a spoilt brat
The writer is a spoilt brat who is interfering with her child's RIGHT to have a relationship with the grandfather. She will make a GREAT BM a few years down the road when she divorces her husband - if she has one, and then prevents him from seeing the precious offspring.
The writing is on the wall. Mene, tekel, fares.
Read and weep!
In New York, as in most other
In New York, as in most other states, grandparents have a qualified right to get court orders compelling visitation with their grandchildren....
http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/visitation-rights-of-grand...
Grandparents have rights,
Grandparents have rights, period. But the legal argument is not even THE argument. If you read my original post, it was about the CHILD's right, not the grandparent's right, to a relationship, and i was looking at it from an ethical standpoint, not legal. A mother who will make those decisions on behalf of the child bc her fee-fees were not validated is a POS. She is narcissistic and will not hesitate to cut other people out of the child's life. She takes away what is not HERS to take. By doing that she shows even less respect to her child than to her father.
In a broader context, I am horrified that the generation of 20-somethings is plagued by delusions of grandeur that end up hurting all other generations - the ones who came before, AND the ones coming after.
I agree pilgrim. My dh has
I agree pilgrim. My dh has lost his daughters and any thoughts of seeing their children, his grand children, is ludicrous. Why? Because he fell under the spell of a narcissistic POS. These people are experts at manipulating others, including their own children, who are sadly just extensions of themselves. And it is passed down through generations, like a curse.
Some times you just have to
Some times you just have to suck it up. I am the adult child of an alcoholic. My dad was a crappy father and husband for 45 years... my mom is still with him ( we just talked this morning about how she would not have stuck it out if she had not had hope, thankfully it finally paid off.) Three years ago my dad changed his life and got sober and found god ( but not in ano over the top judgy way) He is still selfish ( alcoholics generally are) but he is being the best person he has ever been and will ever be. He and my mom are in a pretty good place.
I have always forgiven him his short comings even when he was still drinking and I am his least favorite child, the 2 he favors have had a harder time...kind of ironic really. You can either spend your whole life being angry and a victim or accept people for who they are and move on and have a the best possible relationship you can have with that person. That is what has worked for me.
Incidentally he has turned out to be an awesome grandpa, and my son loves him to death. It would have been a very sad thing if my son had not had the opportunity to have this relationship. This woman should get some professional help rather than emailing carolyn to get her feelings validated.
My father suffered from
My father suffered from serious depression for years. He never did anything with me, it was always my mother. They did not have a good marriage, but now they get along better then they have had in years. My mother had open heart surgery recently.....it was interesting to see that my father appears very connected there. Yes, I am much closer to my mother.....I will not pick up phone to chit chat with my father. However, he is treated with respect by everyone in the family, including my brothers.
So this woman was unhappy with the parenting she received from her father. I say join the club, because I believe that many of us would raise our hands and say we too had less than stellar parenting. My own father came from a divorced background......his father took off and never looked back. My father also was in the Korean War, operated a machine gun, and from friends accounts.......he was never the same person again. Never ever talks about it. My point is that if I wanted to.......my sibs and I have reason to hate my father, snub him, but we do not. He was doing the best he could.
So when I see my own dh, who was there for his kids, get torn from limb from limb, I shake my head in utter disgust.
I am in my 50's.....had cancer twice. I am not wasting energy hating others. My relationship with my ex started off the usual way 10 years ago. Now it has become tradition the part few years for him to join my family at my parents home for Christmas. Strangely, he considers me and my dh family too. My brother is having a big birthday bash next week and my ex will be there. It works for everyone. Sure we disagree at times about our kids, but we have respect.
I would say to this woman to see her father as everyone else.....a flawed human being. I do draw the line at blatant cruelty, but I do not sense that here..
Wow sweet t.......I just read
Wow sweet t.......I just read your post after writing mine. Our stories are so similar. And yes my father is a better grandpa than he was as a father to me..