Hi everyone,
I have posted here before and made some friends and have success in getting some relief because I feel like I now have a place to go where people understand me. Thank you all for that!
Now it seems like I need to start a new thread because the plot is thickening.

My DH has a daughter that lives in another state that has decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant. She is not married, and does not make a lot of money nor does her boyfriend. She is 20 and seems to think the world owes her and has an idea in her head that she will be able to have everyone jump on the bandwagon and support her once she has the baby. She does have a job now but is careless with her money and spends it on herself, new clothes, purses, presents for her boyfriend, cars she cannot afford, the list goes on.

She has been visiting us for the holidays and is leaving to go home soon. We see her about once or twice a year. Her father adores her and parents her out of guilt and sends her money whenever she gets into a jam of some sort or does not have enough to pay her bills. Her father does not make a lot of money and we live paycheck to paycheck. She has a very good way of manipulating him into sending her money and sometimes this is based on lies, like she will say she needs a new car or money for school even when she is not in school. She also has given these stories to her grandparents on BM side who live in her state and see her more often than we see her. They have found out when she is being dishonest and have exposed the lies to us from time to time and given us calls to warn DH not to send her money. Once this happens then Dh calls SD20 and then she somehow convinces DH that it is all the grandparents fault and then DH jumps on the bandwagon with her and starts badmouthing the grandparents along with her and then her part in the whole mess is never addressed.

Last night she mentioned that once the baby comes she will need a lot of help financially because she will not be working and her boyfriend is not ready to have a baby and is barely working. I have completely disengaged from helping her financially years ago when I first started learning about her manipulations. I am here for her if she needs to talk but I honestly have only met her a handful of times and her entitlement issues and schemes are very transparent to me but not to anyone else on DHs side of the family who all live nearby us. They are all rallying around her and pretending to all be happy for her pregnancy. This is what she has told me that she wants, that everyone loves her BF and that everyone be happy for her. Even though I am sure many of the DH family is concerned no one will come out and say this to her face. Because DH does not want to make her feel uncomfortable and she has laid this whole trip on him like no one helps her and on and on so DH wants to save the day and be her support emotionally and financially. She is counting on this.

I have no idea how my Dh is going to come up with money to send to this kid as well as pay his part of the bills in our household. He has another daughter as well, about to turn 16. SD16 lives with us full time and SD20 has never lived with us. I want SD16 to have a good life and a fighting chance. I have no idea how DH is going to put money away and help SD16 with school after high school and also support SD20, her deadbeat boyfriend and her new baby.

BM is not in the picture at all and is very sneaky and manipulative as well and also feels like her parents and the world owe her still to this day although she is in her 40s. She is mentally ill and not available to help with anything financially. I believe her views on the world have been passed down to these kids. My DH feels it is his sole responsibility to take care of his kids, which it is, and now he is feeling like he is responsible for his grandkid on the way. SD20 watched my DHs parents help him when he had a baby (her) too young and has been shown the example that the parents will bale you out. (At least on DHs side)

This pregnancy came as a huge surprise to us, (although I do think she planned it and also deceived the BF about not being on birth control) and we previously had plans to move to another more affordable state (not the one that SD20 lives in) and starting a new life once SD16 turned 18 and graduated high school. In my opinion SD20 got pregnant so that she could use the grandkid as an excuse for people to give her money and a handout and to give her more attention. She keeps going on and on about how she wishes DH lived closer to her and how she has no help in her state, etc etc. So I think her getting pregnant was a combination to get more money and more attention. My DH does not see this unfortunately. He thinks she got pregnant to fill a hole left by her mom not being there but it is obvious to me from the conversations that I have had with her that she is looking for someone to bankroll her. She is very angry at her grandparents on the BM side for not helping her out financially.

I am very worried now for my future. I fear that DH will either want her to move in with him when she is not able to support herself (I will never allow this to happen in my home) or that he will want to move closer to her to help her and to be closer to his grandkid. I do not want to love anywhere near this mess. I have no children of my own and do not have that biological bond with someone that makes me want to do anything to protect them. I understand that he loves his kids and that he feels bad for the way their lives were in the past but we do not agree on how this should be addressed because I want the SD16 that I do have to be able to care for herself and have a good life. This whole thing is making me very concerned because if she sees her sister getting handouts and supported emotionally for having a baby for the wrong reasons I do not want her to think this is a way to get one over on people and get them to give you money.

When I got into this relationship I never knew in my wildest dreams that people are capable of this type of dysfunction and manipulations. It is so transparent to me but no one wants to address it or call a spade a spade.

Selfishly I am now wondering if my DH and my plans for the future will now be gravely affected by this. I posted here before when I was ready to give him the boot over his lack of parenting the one that lives with us but since then things have gotten much better between us as I have been disengaging and I am grateful to have him in my life. I can also see this situation may start causing some more riffs because it does seem like SD20 needs all of his attention when she is around and tries to test him to see if she will do what he wants her to do or if he will chose to do something with me. I don't worry too much about this and I can see this for what it is and I only have to deal with this a couple of times a year at the present. I have my own life and do not need constant attention from my mate, but I do fear that there will be nothing left of our relationship and intimacy and privacy if this girl does end up moving closer to us or something like that. She is very demanding and has unfair and unrealistic expectations of what everyone should or should not be doing. She is very angry at everyone that has not rallied around her or that has voiced their opinion about her pregnancy. (Right now it is only her grandparents on her BM side that have been disapproving to her face). I think this is why my DH will not tell her how he really feels about it.

I am just a little thrown off by the SD20 and her constant need for DH attention and now that I have spent some time with her listening to her talk about how she has no support where she lives and how she wishes we were closer and on and on about this it seems like she is really laying the groundwork to make DH feel bad for her and to somehow come to her rescue. When DH and I moved in together this girl was already living in another state and I barely know her. She made the choice to move to the other state to be closer to her BM's parents (because they have a lot of money I am sure) and now that they are cutting her off and not supporting her decision to have a baby she is running to us for help. I just don't know what that help will end up looking like and how much of it I will be able to take.

I guess for now it is a waiting game but I do need to become clear on what my DH plans are concerning helping his daughter and what this will entail. I know she will start putting more and more demands on him as the baby gets closer to being here and also once the baby comes. I am just not sure how much he will buckle and give in to her every need. Since I have never had kids of my own, I have no idea of how difficult of a time this girl will be having once the baby comes. I cannot imagine it will be too easy for someone that selfish and self centered to be having to think about someone else (her baby). Or maybe it will snap her out of her selfishness and self centeredness?
Has anyone ever had this experience? I am only 40 years old I was not planning on being a grandparent yet but honestly I do not know the Sd20 that well and do not feel like this will be my grandchild because I do not have a bond with her. Thanks for listening.