Christmas and next years visitation
Well silly me thought that things were going well at the moment. I guess I haven't learnt yet have I? First there was the phone call on Wednesday just to confirm pick up time of SD9. BM says that because DH hadn't organised this weekend earlier that SD9 couldn't come this weekend (they live over 3 hours away). SD9 comes to our house every TWO weeks! One, two - its not hard to count. Plus I was standing there at the car two weeks ago when DH said see you in two weeks and it was no problem then.
Then of course the conversation of Christmas needs to be addressed. 6 months ago DH said that SD9 would be at our house this year and BM says, sure we'll work it out closer to the date. Every time he brings it up it is always 'yeah we'll talk later'. So not letting her avoid the question longer he confronted her. She was crying on the phone saying but what about her relationship with her daughter and she wanted all the Christmas' plus birthdays just at her house.
THEN - she says it is too hard for her to do weekends anymore so she proposed that DH have SD9 for ALL of the school holidays and half of Christmas school holidays and no more weekends. They didn't get anywhere with the conversation and so they said they would talk today. BM said maybe 8 weekends a year could work and she still had to think about Christmas. There is nothing to think about! They went to court and it in there in the papers, also, SD9 and DH are very close and as much as I care about DH feelings in this, I really care about SD9. It is not fair on her.
Back to the Christmas thing - BM also said that she asked SD9 where she wanted to spend Christmas and that it was with her. I couldn't believe she could be so selfish to make SD9 chose between her parents 
We have been married for two months, but together for over three years. I wonder if us being married has changed things or this was just waiting to explode anyway. So glad that I can vent here as I have felt sick over it all day....
My husband's ex flipped when
My husband's ex flipped when she heard we moved in together.
Physically confronted me when she heard we were engaged.
when we got married she took him back to court
Now we are trying for a baby. My husband slipped and mentioned it around the kids. His ex can't have kids anymore
Now we are going back to court again.
Any time your husband's life gets better or happier it reminds his ex of everything she lost when she left him.
Ahh....I know this story
Ahh....I know this story well. SO and BM have 50/50 - one week on one week off. Every year that his CO visitation fell on a holiday, BM would make plans with the kids to go to her family's house to spend the day. She would dictate the change and not ask. BM would cry too (oh the alligator tears she would shed) claiming she is their mother and the kids needed to be with their mother during the holidays. SO wouldn't fight it because he didn't want to upset the kids and he would sit alone and depressed during the holidays (before I came along).
Is there a CO in place for visitation? If not, get one immediately. If the visitation is CO then your husband needs to standup and tell BM that in accordance with the CO visitation the child will be coming to his home for the holiday. If she refuses, tell her that she is in contempt and he will file with the courts.
SOs youngest is almost 18 and now he tried to push the visitation and had a huge blowout with his youngest when she made plans with her mother side of the family. Its too late for my SO to do anything about it, but its not too late for your DH. Good luck!
It all seems to simple
It all seems to simple writing it down but the reality just seems so complicated. He has done his best to be civil with BM and try to keep the peace to a certain extent I guess. Also she works evenings so says its hard for her to make the drive to meet half way on a Friday. If DH drove all the way up he would get there after 8pm and then not get home until just before midnight which isn't fair on SD9. She also has a baby and changes pick up times even by an hour or so all the time due to "traffic" etc.
I think it also went downhill as he was deployed for 6 months and came back in April, we got married in September and then went on our honeymoon for 2 weeks. So this year has been different to previous years, however he has had SD9 every visitation weekend and holidays since he was back so its not like he was distracted from seeing his daughter.
He knows that enough is enough so that's why he's putting his foot down this time but the reality is they are far away and she thinks she can call all the shots all the time. We don't want to go back to court, it should be able to be worked out but I guess I'm being naive like DH can be. We assume she at least has one reasonable bone in her body but we were mistaken I guess.
We know it is hard for her and her now partner wont help with the driving anymore as he's had enough so we do try and make things easier for her when we can but where do you draw the line between trying to be a good person and being taken advantage of in all this. She just doesn't see that all she is doing is hurting SD9.. I guess to mention o court goes back in the conversation tomorrow. This was the plan anyway, but it just seems so sad it has to come to this.
I hope all goes well for you
I hope all goes well for you and your DH. Reading through this site you will find that many husbands try to be civil and try to work things out with BM but in the end BM will not work with the dads. BM will do what she wants and if she feels like she is losing ground, she will cry to make everyone feel sorry for her. Is there anything in the CO that discuss where and how the exchange will occur?
The more you make things easier for her, the more she will take away from your DH with more and more excuses. I know your DH wants to be fair, but I'm sure once you have read through this site, you will notice that in most cases, BMs will not be fair.
Yep, that is the biggest
Yep, that is the biggest thing. Now that BM has dragged SD9 into this the biggest risk is making her feel like she is in the middle and having to chose between parents and then feel responsible for the actions that will follow.
It is also hard to get in contact with BM as she is "always at work" and says she will call back and rarely does. She has pushed away everyone else in her family so maybe that is why she is clinging so hard to what she has now. Hopefully they sort it out tomorrow with the least amount of stress to SD9....
Is also gets hard working out
Is also gets hard working out weekends as he is in the army and has army weekends that need to be factored in, sometimes at short notice (but even that is usually 3 weeks at least). It is in the CO that if he is at the army he gets SD9 the following weekend and the two weeks visitation starts again. I can see how that would be frustrating for her which is why we do try and negotiate and make it work so it works for everyone.
I think she has convinced herself that DH makes up army weekends sometimes. Reality, he cancelled one the other week as it was such short notice and we had made plans to take SD9 to see the dolphins and she was so excited. He was happy to do it but it wasnt easy to get out of and now he needs to make it up asap or he looses some of his necessary qualifications. He doesn't tell BM when these things happen but today he did and maybe it will make her realise he is a serious father. Who knows?
Yes, they have a specific
Yes, they have a specific meeting place but the time in the CO is just stupid. It says 5 which means SD9 would have to be taken from school early - so they agreed on 7 so she can have dinner first and then meet up. It is half way between both our houses. BM moved just as they were going to court over custody and moved 4 hours away to try and get full custody and no visitation. Made up so much stuff against DH that even her dad and sister had statements in court saying wasn't true. She had no family, job, partner anything up there and now complains about how far she has to drive! What about poor SD9!!
Anyone SD9 knows can drop her off and pick her up unless the other parent has an objection to it and a reasonable reason as to why so that's not a drama. Drop off on Sunday is hard as it is meant to be 5 however it takes them an extra 2 hours to get home if it is that late so we usually meet around 3 to try and lesson that time. So DH does try to do whats in SD9 best interest - however I'm sure BM twists it to suit herself all the time..
Smokeyquartz - If you haven't
Smokeyquartz - If you haven't already done so, please read the post entitled "BM, this is WHY we have a CO. READ IT. USE IT" This may give you some insight about what kind of crap dads go through.
ah, that is my post & I have
ah, that is my post & I have to say - if the CO doesn't work for you guys - GO TO COURT AND GET IT CHANGED, then FOLLOW IT. It saves so much drama!
Thanks for all your comments
Thanks for all your comments Journey1982 :)I almost rang one of my friends tonight to vent about this to just let it out but so glad I turned here instead. Sometimes you just need people who (unfortunately) can relate in some way.
Smokeyquartz, I wish you and
Smokeyquartz, I wish you and your husband all the luck. When I first started dating SO, he only did what BM said. Whatever she wanted he went along with because he didn't want to upset the kids. When I came along I couldn't understand why it was one sided and I believe SO and BM could work out the holidays because that's what adults do - compromise. Boy was I naïve. Unfortunately, his ex didn't know what the word compromise meant. Everything had to be what she wanted. PERIOD.
I hate to hear your husband suffer the same way my SO has. Its painful to watch him get his feelings hurt because BM manipulated the kids to believe his feelings don't count.
Great analogy notasm!
Great analogy notasm!
Let BM work her evil magic
Let BM work her evil magic for a while. Here is what will happen: my SS14 just decided he would rather live with us lately, he cannot stand her craziness. His nerves are fried. He also realized that I am not whatever people lied about me, that I'm pretty chill and normal. We now get texts over phone calls about "you need to have him call me" "Now!" And "he has no come home bc he forgot his ... (Book, phone, etc). I actually like this BM, but her Borderline Disorder is ruining her life... So, just be patient and kind to the kid...Don't get involved with anything BM.
UPDATE Well now I can't
UPDATE
Well now I can't believe it again.. After evading the phone calls to try and wok this out she sent a text saying that she still needed more time to think about it. DH rang her anyway to say it needed to be sorted now. Before he got to mentioning CO and everything she said at the start - yes you can have SD9 for Christmas. :jawdrop:
DH then asked if she wanted to have SD9 back for a few days near Christmas and she said no it was fine and then asked if we wanted her to take SD9 on new years as she had to work anyway so she wouldn't be going out. We were going to half her until 3rd Jan and said it was fine (would rather spend time with her then go out for new years anyway).
What just happened? I hope to believe this was a shake up that DH does actually care and want to spend as much time as possible with SD9 and she is finally waking up to it. Maybe???? Or maybe she went and got advice and someone else woke her up to what she was doing? Anyway, this battle is over for now, hopefully the new year will bring less drama... (I still haven't learnt have I! lol).
She was also really really surprised that DH is going to drive 4 hours up there and 4 hours back this Thursday to watch the school Christmas play that SD9 is so excited about being in. Even though he asked about details for it ages ago when SD9 mentioned it. I love my DH and can't wait until we have our own kids, he is just beautiful and hopefully is learning like it has been said that you can't just be nice about these things, however, by being nice AND assertive this past week it has all worked out for now. I'm going to remain hopeful
I can't even believe the crap
I can't even believe the crap I just read above. Some of you are off your rocker. Smokeyquartz, from an outsider's perspective, I want to point out that the BM is dealing with a lot of fluctuations due to your dh's schedule. And they are already BOTH working against the CO to do what works for them, why is it a huge mystery as to why the BM is trying to do something that works better, for her, for sd9, for dh, or whoever? I would NEVER go get a new CO if I could work out different arrangements with my ex. They both will have to compromise whether they do it on their own or through the court. Why pay someone to oversee it? If dh doesn't like her proposal, then he counters. He doesn't throw up his hands and say, okay, let's go back to court so I can throw away a couple grand on this. If circumstances have changed, visitation might need to be adjusted. And as this girl grows up, visitation WILL need to be adjusted. While your BM does seem to have gone through instability, I don't feel like anything you have shared shows she means ill will toward you or your dh currently. You might be reading too much into her intentions.
Actually, that is why DH has
Actually, that is why DH has tried to show flexibility to her over the years. DH does follow the CO for his part, time with the army was already written into the CO years ago. Christmas's have been the problem as she always says sorry, we have something planned and you can have her next year.
I completely agree that if it can be worked out between them that is best. However every weekend she changes things. We kept a diary for the last 6 months and EVERY weekend has been changed to a certain extent by her. I dont think she necessarily has ill will - however it was not fair of her to say that SD9 should not spend any Christmas' or birthdays here and no more weekends. But hopefully that will work out too. I choose to remain positive
I get myself in trouble
I get myself in trouble sometimes trying to give the "objective take" on all this which can upset DH as he thinks I'm taking her side but we are getting better at it and he realises now I think that I am on his side but ultimately SD9's side. I know some people say that I should stay out of it but DH and I long ago decided that we should both discuss these things and I feel better being in the loop but respecting that DH needs to make the final decision on these things with his daughter. It is working so far
But sometimes you just need a little vent 