Step Kids Are Hard on the Heart
I feel this acutely this week. My SD is 15, and was recently diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, for those of you that are not familiar with this affliction it is an auto immune disease that attacks the GI Tract. In her case her small intestine. Due to Crohn’s complications she unfortunately required surgery just last Friday to remove part of her intestine. We, her parents, all three of us, were very concerned and sick that she was going to have to go through this. My husband, and I, knowing that she would want her mom with her primarily made sure that she knew she didn’t have to worry about us or feel guilty about wanting her mom with her.
Fast forward to after the surgery, which went very well by the way, Mom is staying with SD in hospital room, will not leave the room when we visit, and does not inform us of changes or challenges that are happening unless we ask her directly. We are continually discouraged from visiting her by SD and BM. I have been helping raise SD since she was 4 and to be honest I feel a bit heart broken by the fact that she doesn’t want to see us. After only seeing her for 15 minutes total in the last two days, I decided to leave the hospital, and go back to work. I could not justify sitting around waiting for her to be willing to see us, not to mention the emotional toll it was taking on me. She clearly didn’t want me there – and I felt it was best to leave.
Has anyone else faced situations like this, any ideas how to protect myself without being passive aggressive, which is my tendency.
Your story made me think of
Your story made me think of King Solomon being asked to decide which woman, of the two in front of him, was the child's real mother. He told them both to start pulling the child in two opposite directions, so that the stronger one will prevail - as she obviously wants the child with her more. They grabbed the child, who immediately began to wail in pain. The woman who let go, because she could not bear the kid suffering, was proclaimed to be the kid's real mother.
You did the right thing. If you being there in the hospital with your SD increased her stress ( due to the BM being so possessive and jealous) you LET GO in order to help with her healing. That is all you could do. You put her peace of mind above your own need to be there with her and support her and your DH. Let's hope 10-20 years from now she will understand how loving you were towards her.
Interestingly, when my son was in the hospital 2 years ago with MRSA, my ex and I were able to sit in his room and have decent peaceful discussions - which he loved! His SM was not there, but i would have welcomed her. It is such a loving thing - to come to the hospital to be with a sick kid. You were not passive aggressive, you were supportive. Good for you!
Maybe it's too much stress
Maybe it's too much stress for her, so send her a teddy bear with a heart and let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Prayers.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your comments, this is actually my first time posting and I'm surprised by how much it helped. I have been texting my SD often in the last day or so, making sure she knows that I love her and am supporting her. I agree that her BM should be there, we have actually always gotten along fairly well, it was more frustrating that she wouldn't keep us in the loop. SD is finally starting to feel better, so I'm incredibly thankful for that.