I think you might need to cut your DH a little slack and try to remember a few things...

I'm assuming you and he are close to 40, and for a guy that age to have never been married, he's going to be pretty set in his bachelor ways. Having two boys, one of them a teenager (let's face it, teenage boys are not exactly heaven, and you even mentioned your son has a chip on his shoulder), is going to be an adjustment. And the fact that you moved into his house, you have to realize he might feel a little invaded.

I know teenage boys eat A LOT. I'll admit it drove me CRAZY seeing my SS scarf down food as a teenager, and ask for seconds sometimes before others had gotten to eat. Again, as a guy who I'm assuming lived alone all of adult life, seeing a kid eat up all his food is going to be annoying to him, and will take getting used to. Maybe your son could offer to help prepare meals so your husband doesn't feel a meal he prepared is going all to your son.

As far as your husband not taking your boys anywhere, who says he has to? They are YOUR children, not his. Expecting him to want to hang out and take them places is a little unrealistic. I never took my step kids anywhere alone, it was not my responsibility as I am not their mother and they have two perfectly capable biological parents to take them places. It's a bonus if a stepparent wants to take the kids places, but not required.

That said, I can understand how the nagging is getting wearing, so you need to talk to your DH about it. Let him know you understand the issues, but that kids aren't perfect and you're trying to remind them of these things. But if it's been 2 years and they still don't close the storm door, I can see your DH's frustration as well. Maybe the 8 year old is going to take longer to get it (esp with having ADHD) but the 16 year old should get it by now. You definitely need to have a discussion with your DH though and please try to refrain from throwing out anything resembling "you hate my kids" because I'm sure that is not the case and it's just an unfair thing to say that will make him defensive.

Bottom line though, if you're expecting your DH to step in and be a dad to your boys, you're setting yourself up for failure. It may take time for them to all bond or they may never bond, but if one of your issues is that he's not making an effort to be a part of their lives, you're just not being reasonable. They are not his children, you have to keep telling yourself that. To him, they are closer to a neighbor's or friend's kids, and if you're being honest with yourself, you know you don't feel the same about those kinds of kids as you do your own.

I hope things get better for you.

I am with Rising: why don't you try counseling? Sooner rather than later... Your DH needs to learn to take a long-term view and let things go a bit.

I agree that he may never look at your kids through your eyes, but i find some of his complaints very ... generic? Asking for seconds at dinner? That's what teens do! I have two and they are eating me out of the home and the house. Your husband is not used to being around kids and since it is his house he feels everything should stay the same. But it can't! Nagging and punishing will only alienate your kids. Is there a way to suggest he comment on 5 good things before he makes his next negative comment? Or a way to do something fun together that will help them bond a little? What works for us is playing board games...

I am sorry but 2nd helpings are an issue. He needs to get over himself for that one. They are either growing boys or men ~ you can't controll someone's appetite. That's just insane ~ depriving one of food.

Tell Sgt he needs to lighten up ! Kids are just kids ~ you can tell them to stop beating on your house but the food deal it concerning. Unless they are eating all the food b4 someone gets a helping

I think your husbands constant irritation over relatively minor issues may spring both from a lack of experience and familiarity with children, and some frustration that his home has been taken over by your boys but he has little or no direct voice in running his home when it comes to your offspring.

You say very clearly that you do not allow him to punish them, but if your husband feels that he has to run to you every time the children act out or break rules you're going to make him feel pretty disempowered as an adult in his home, and that's going to make him uber- sensitive to every minor irritation - it becomes like nails on a chalkboard when the same rule, e.g. the storm door, is broken over and over again. Given that you've actually moved into his home the jarring frustration that he no longer feels like master of his own home because he has two children under his roof whose behaviour he cannot manage himself, must be very acute at times.

Rather than addressing his underlying frustrations and difficulties adjusting to life as a stepparent he is venting over every little thing. If he is left to feel that your children are invaders over whom he has little control he is not going to want to spend time with them, and as he is inexperienced with children - and your 2 are in very different age ranges, he probably has no idea if and how it can be turned around. Of course it's possible that your husband is a crazed control freak, but given that you have found him to be a loving and supportive partner and a marked contrast from your previous abusive relationship, it seems more likely that he is actually struggling with the situation as much if not more than you are.

Rather than tackle this in a drip drip drip way as DH complains about issues, have you tried sitting down with him to draw up rules and priorities, so that he feels his role in the home is respected? You've only been together 2 years, that's relatively early days in a stepfamily life cycle, I suspect both of you could benefit from some family counselling to give you advice and support on how to tackle issues, and structure roles and rules in your home. And/or you could consider parenting classes to familiarise DH with typical child behaviour and parenting strategies. The food issue is going to be one he has to come to terms with, growing children eat a lot. It's going to be very difficult for your husband to have any authority with your 16 year old, because at that age they are challenging parental authority and have no wish to let anyone else tell them what to do. But manners and respecting pre-agreed rules should be a basic expectation. With your 8 year old you should be progressing towards empowering your husband to issue requests, reminders and simple consequences. If you stay together your husband is going to be helping take care of your son for another 10 years, it's unfair to expect him to spend those 10 years running to you every time he has an issue with him. If he feels more understood and empowered as your partner in raising your children his tension over minor issues may subside. It might also help if you could engineer some activities/time together so he could actually have some positive time with his stepchildren and get to like them.

If your DH isn't allowed to discipline your children, he will disengage. Looks like that's what he's done. & if he were on here asking for advice, that would be what I would suggest.

You are annoyed that he keeps telling you to punish your kids, but he is only doing that because you won't 'allow' him to point out things he dislikes himself. Because you are handling it in a way that obviously isn't working (the kids are still making the same mistakes) he is annoyed by them and you both. Because of this annoyance, he doesn't want to take your kids places and spend time with them. He probably wants to get away!

If you don't want him to discipline them, that's fine, but you are going to have to do it in a way that corrects issues that he has with the home. Either by making the kids stop or, on the things you don't agree with (like getting 2nds at dinner - sounds like a crazy request for that to stop. It's just food) discuss with your DH why you don't agree with him reach a compromise.

Wheres your boys father? He is the one that should step up and be the father figure for them. Not some man that you don't allow to discipline them.

I keep a very clean house. I am allowed to discipline my SD & I do (not in a mean way or physically, but I do call her out if she does something crazy). I do not allow her to tear it up. She knows not to run her hands on the walls or the new trim (we just got it painted last week lol) & if she does put finger prints on there, on cleaning day I help her and we clean them off. (once a week). She has never even THOUGHT of riding her bike in the grass in our yard. We take her to the park.

If you feel worn down by the nagging, imagine how worn down he feels about their behavior and respect for his home not increasing over 2 years.

The last few posts give a good insight into your husbands probable issues with the situation. Like QueenBeau I think that not wanting grubby walls from children's hands, or the lawn ruined from bikes, or careless eating messing up the living room, are all perfectly normal requests that many parents enforce, including me. So your highlighting those as typical examples of now your husband is hostile and unwelcoming to your children suggests that the problem may be your attitude as much as his, if not more so.

You feel he is constantly nagging you because in a normal two parent/adult dynamic both parent figures take a share of the reminders and reprimands. In your case because DH is not allowed to reproach your children in person ALL parenting/household issues are routed through you, so you get double the reminders and reprimands to deliver. That's your choice, but you're getting resentful and defensive about it. You are judging your husband as unfair, so now he feels resentful and finds that even more things annoy him. As a parent, if you enforce eating in the kitchen or dining room, keeping hands off walls or cleaning up after yourself, and cycling on the pavement or at the park, that's all perfectly reasonable. If you try to put those concerns to a defensive parent you are made to feel like a negative control freak. That makes you resentful, because your partner is more preoccupied with not offending their children than with respecting your mutual home and values. I hated my stepteens eating in the living room, because crumbs and food ended up all over the sofa and carpet and guess who mostly ended up clearing it up? When I was a child my Dad often had a go at us about excessive use of toilet paper because he couldn't believe how many rolls we went through! None of that is intolerant stepparent attitude, that's normal parenting. I suspect you want what 90% of bioparents want in this situation, you want him to feel like a parent in terms of tolerance and affection and care, without the rights or respect or authority of a parent, either from you or your children.

As a man in a relationship with a woman with the same type situation, I can tell you this..If I, the stepdad, and not allowed to address issues with the kids that are doing them, I will resent you more than the kids because they are your kids. Not mine...I am choosing a relationship with you in spite of the things your kids do that drive me nuts, and on a side note, I would be willing to bet the 16 year old does it on purpose...Your husband will disengage from the kids because he sees what they are doing as very annoying, but the main "blame" if you will, rests entirely on you for not giving your husband a "voice" in his own home.....By not meeting your husband half way, and including him in the discipline process, you are creating resentment in his house...And i agree with most people on here..they are not his kids..do not expect him to jump into the father role too soon....He will NEVER be as attached to your kids as you are..Just my opinion... Best of luck...

"When I was a child my Dad often had a go at us about excessive use of toilet paper because he couldn't believe how many rolls we went through! None of that is intolerant stepparent attitude, that's normal parenting. I suspect you want what 90% of bioparents want in this situation, you want him to feel like a parent in terms of tolerance and affection and care, without the rights or respect or authority of a parent, either from you or your children."

That'a it in a nutshell. I've come to the conclusion that there is some mechanism that prevents bio parents from seeing their children's behavior realistically, when involved with a step-parent. When I was a kid, every parent was your parent, and they were allowed to parent you. Meaning I had to behave at my aunt's house, my friend's house, with the babysitter, at school and anywhere else. Granted, we didn't have that many divorces then, but I would have viewed a step-parent as a parent.

As a woman who also never had children, I find today's children extremely disrespectful, including my 10 year old step-daughter. She doesn't live with us full time but when she is here I am appalled every time. I, too, have asked 1000 times to close the door all the way, don't let the cats out, don't go on the bed with dirty feet (take a shower), put trash in the trash, don't brush the cat and leave the wads of fur on the floor., don't put wet towels on the bed etc. etc. After I nag enough to irritate myself, bio father will step in and yell leaving everyone upset. Me because I get no respect in my home, her because the princess isn't disciplined by her mother and father because he has to yell at his princess on my behalf.

Unlike your husband, I have known her since she was 2, she lived with us for a year, we went to counseling together, and she calls me mom. I can tell you that in my mind, I would like to nominate both DH and his ex-wife for worst parents of the year (or decade) for their lack of discipline. Whether us step-parents are right or wrong, or a little of both, I can tell you that I rethink this relationship more and more often as SD gets worse. I'm over stickers on walls, mirrors, smears on furniture and remnants of arts and crafts found under sofas. It is VERY difficult for us child free people to adjust and we are going on 7 years.

Counseling sounds good, a family meeting regarding household expectations, and give your DH a little authority. Then maybe buy some tickets to something for them to go to. Plan some boys things while you go elsewhere... Give him some time to adjust.

"When I was a child my Dad often had a go at us about excessive use of toilet paper because he couldn't believe how many rolls we went through! None of that is intolerant stepparent attitude, that's normal parenting. I suspect you want what 90% of bioparents want in this situation, you want him to feel like a parent in terms of tolerance and affection and care, without the rights or respect or authority of a parent, either from you or your children."

That'a it in a nutshell. I've come to the conclusion that there is some mechanism that prevents bio parents from seeing their children's behavior realistically, when involved with a step-parent. When I was a kid, every parent was your parent, and they were allowed to parent you. Meaning I had to behave at my aunt's house, my friend's house, with the babysitter, at school and anywhere else. Granted, we didn't have that many divorces then, but I would have viewed a step-parent as a parent.

As a woman who also never had children, I find today's children extremely disrespectful, including my 10 year old step-daughter. She doesn't live with us full time but when she is here I am appalled every time. I, too, have asked 1000 times to close the door all the way, don't let the cats out, don't go on the bed with dirty feet (take a shower), put trash in the trash, don't brush the cat and leave the wads of fur on the floor., don't put wet towels on the bed etc. etc. After I nag enough to irritate myself, bio father will step in and yell leaving everyone upset. Me because I get no respect in my home, her because the princess isn't disciplined by her mother and father because he has to yell at his princess on my behalf.

Unlike your husband, I have known her since she was 2, she lived with us for a year, we went to counseling together, and she calls me mom. I can tell you that in my mind, I would like to nominate both DH and his ex-wife for worst parents of the year (or decade) for their lack of discipline. Whether us step-parents are right or wrong, or a little of both, I can tell you that I rethink this relationship more and more often as SD gets worse. I'm over stickers on walls, mirrors, smears on furniture and remnants of arts and crafts found under sofas. It is VERY difficult for us child free people to adjust and we are going on 7 years.

Counseling sounds good, a family meeting regarding household expectations, and give your DH a little authority. Then maybe buy some tickets to something for them to go to. Plan some boys things while you go elsewhere... Give him some time to adjust.