Fantastic Article "Why Nice Women Don't Like Step Kids"

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Usually articles regarding stepkids come across as judgmental and patronizing. This article is quite the contrary! Enjoy!!!

http://jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Nice-Women-Dont-Like-Step-Kids

I don't think stepkids should

I don't think stepkids should be forced to visit elsewhere unless their behavior warrants it and/or they/bm are making seriously damaging accusations against the sm, dad or someone else.

If they know dad is doing all these fun things with his "other" family, like going on vacations, decorating the Xmas tree, etc., I can see how that'd breed jealousy and resentment in them, and make them resent the sm that much more. What is sm going to do when the inlaws are planning their thanksgiving celebration and they want to have the sks there too? Sm isn't responsible for these kids' happiness, but their dad sure as he11 is (along with the bm).

I'm Christian, but that doesn't mean I agree with what Sarah did.

I think this is extreme cases

I think this is extreme cases but it rubbed me the wrong way too. I would never tell my DH that SD couldn't be in my house unless she attacked someone or did something extreme like selling drugs out of our house or something lol

"I was on board for a bit

"I was on board for a bit until I read this bullshit. It is also your husband's home and a place where HIS children can thrive as well. To your husband, the children he has with you should be no more special or important to him than the children that were there first. He should love his children equally. If he is so willing to throw his children away to make you happy and play family with the new child, he is a piece of shit and you are a piece of shit for demanding that. Hopefully the karma bus doesn't swing around the block and you end up divorced and your precious snowflakes are thrown away because that is what his new wife wants."

^^^THIS^^^

was on board for a bit until

was on board for a bit until I read this bullshit. It is also your husband's home and a place where HIS children can thrive as well. To your husband, the children he has with you should be no more special or important to him than the children that were there first. He should love his children equally. If he is so willing to throw his children away to make you happy and play family with the new child, he is a piece of shit and you are a piece of shit for demanding that.

^^^^Amen to that!

That section also rubbed me

That section also rubbed me the wrong way, however, that is what we had to do in my situation. My SD is the worst possible SD you could imagine (just read previous posts). She has physically and emotionally harmed our other kids, killed animals, threatened me, told lies that I was abusing her, stole money, stole my personal belongings and my kids' belongings out of our bedrooms, etc etc. In my case...it was either send SD to the inlaws or a divorce to protect me and my children (that are also DH's)and my sanity. I have anxiety attacks just hearing this kid's name, worrying what is going to go down the next time I have to be around her. So there are extreme situations that warrant such...I wish the article would have described some of those extreme situations.

Unfortunately the kids are

Unfortunately the kids are with us full time. I try to think of them going to their mom's as getting afree babysitter but otherwise they are around all the time.

I did get a maid when we married, I think that helps the distance stuff. I only have to clean up after myself, and occasionally my husband...the maid cleans everything

My take away from this

My take away from this article is that: (1) there are major downfalls to having stepkids, and it is okay to recognize them and feel frustrated about them as a SM; (2) You have to look out for your personal well-being as a SM. Too often people are quick to preach bright line rules dictating what a SM is "supposed to do" and what she is "not supposed to do" in every blended family. I don't agree with such bright line rules. It is all very situation specific (based on DH, SKids, and BM) and each SM should be encouraged to talk about it and set boundaries accordingly.

I understand that the stepkids may have come first (before any offspring SM may have with DH), but a majority of the stepkids already reaped the benefit of living in a nuclear family for sometime in their early childhood (prior to the divorce). Unfortunately, subsequent half siblings are, from birth, constantly subject to the disruption that the stepkids bring into the family with their erratic schedules, resentments, jealousies, attention-seeking behavior, financial burden, etc. Where are the champions for the subsequent half-siblings?? Where are the champions for the SM who want to have some semblance of a happy life, including being able to dedicate their time and attention to the subsequent half-sibling and her marriage. Many will say "well, SM knew what she was getting into". Well, I don't buy that for all. Many of us are constantly surprised by the feelings we feel about the SK and BM situations we are in and many of us ended up dealing with situations that we could have never imagined. If SM is constantly on edge and unhappy, it is likely that the subsequent half siblings and DH will feel the same... all the while the Stepkids will be celebrating in the background for the havoc they have wreaked. It's important to take control.

With that said, every situation is different and so I can understand why so many of us deal with our situations differently. I enjoyed the article because it definitely pointed out all of the downsides to stepkids almost to a comedic effect.... without placing guilt on SMs.

I have just stopped feeling

I have just stopped feeling guilty about the " I knew what I was getting into"... That's so unfair and so unhealthy to think that way...

A huge portion of life is about taking risks and possibly knowing what we are getting into and doing it anyways. How boring life would be if we chose the safe and unchallenging route every time. I totally agree with you about ending up in situations we could have never imagined, I am in one.

What I have realized before I

What I have realized before I started to make positive changes in my home, was that I was walking a fine line between legitimate anger and being nit-picky regarding my skids behavior. Totally not their fault. My fault for not taking care of myself emotional. I realized that and am actively trying to stop. Totally up to us adults to make it better or leave, there is a big transition period though and I think that's where many of us on this board are in.

You nailed it, IWOMH! Great

You nailed it, IWOMH! Great summary. "Many of us are constantly surprised by the feelings we feel about the SK and BM situations we are in and many of us ended up dealing with situations that we could have never imagined. If SM is constantly on edge and unhappy, it is likely that the subsequent half siblings and DH will feel the same... all the while the Stepkids will be celebrating in the background for the havoc they have wreaked. It's important to take control."

Hear, hear! I could not agree more!

I also would like to add that there is more than one type of step-families out there.
The dynamics are somewhat different in each case: a man with kids marries a woman without, and then they have more kids together (the type the article deals with); a (smart) woman with kids marries a man without, and they have more kids - or not; and finally, both partners bring their kids with them, sometimes all live together, but more often, his kids stay with their BM, her kids live with mom and step-dad (my case). Then there is a family with his, hers and ours kids.

You would think if both parents already have kids, things will go along the same path for both halves of the new family. You could not be more wrong!

To use the example i have in front of me every day, divorce meant completely different consequences for my kids and my skids. In my skids' family, DH was quickly replaced by the mom's new partner, who has no children. The way that family functions is exactly the same as it used to: BM calls all the shots, everyone else falls in line. Skids stayed in the school they were in. Her new partner religiously puts skids on the pedestal just like BM always has and sings hosanna to them in the same voice. They live in the same house, vacation on the same island as before - only BM's partner has changed when DH was thrown out of he nest, nothing else seems to have.

For my kids', many more things have changed: dad re-married and lives in a new place, in a different state; I have remarried several years later and we then moved to a new town, they started new schools. DH has introduced us to new pursuits, there is a feeling of us having new traditions - in which skids were invited to share, but they were never open to them, hemmed in by ever-present hostility, passive aggression, egged on by BM. Did they feel they were replaced? Why? My boys have a father, DH is not their dad.

The difference between how my kids treat my husband, how happy they are to have him in their lives, how eager they are to share their news with him, how readily they refuse to have dinner without him, and how gratifying he finds the time he spends with them is a far, far cry from the chip-on-their-shoulder skids who no one can do right by, who spew BM's venom at their dad, me and my sons. My boys have an equally good relationship with their bio-dad and SM (even if i don't). They are not PAS'ed, they are not victims of divorce, boo hoo, no one loves us, they are reaping the benefits of having two houses where they are treated as family... even if their nuclear family did not survive into their adolescence. They are doing fine, socially, emotionally, academically.

We placed all our kids' interests front and center in the beginning and offered all of them the same opportunity to belong to our new family, family built on love where the husband - wife relationship is the most important one. My adult skids were not able to take advantage of what we had to offer. If they are not THE most important persons in our lives, they want nothing to do with us. They rejected our overtures and got stuck in BM's hateful permafrost. They are victims alright but of a different kind.

What do you think the main

What do you think the main reason is your kids are more respectful towards your DH than your skids are to you?

I think the main reason is

I think the main reason is that DH is such a sweet guy, while I am an evil evil witch!

An evil witch who raised kids

An evil witch who raised kids to be respectful to others

@inwayovermyhead, actually in

@inwayovermyhead, actually in my situation this would be great.
I have to deal with a perverted, socialy disabled 13 year old SS, who destroys every other weekend, and turn our family upside down.
He is trained by his mother against me, and he makes sure to do everything to make my life miserable, and affecting my kids life in a bad way.
I actualy told my husband that down the road he could meet him outside of our house. What I'm going to do with this boy when he is bigger and stronger than me?
Of course if he vould have cute six, seven, eight yo daughters, I won't say the same thing.
But I believe that there is situations this article applies.
So thank you for posting it!

Instead of kicking this kid

Instead of kicking this kid out, maybe he needs his parents to get him help. Unless he's actually acting violently, telling damaging lies about someone, acting out sexually, etc.

Anon2009, Actually he is

Anon2009, Actually he is acting out sexually, told damaging lies about his father to the CPS few years back. I mean he is going to be a young man soon, how could I take care of him when his father is working some Saturdays, and he is very inappropriate, don't respect personal space.
I took everything from him when he was smaller, but is getting much much worst.
We got help in his school for him, he is in special ed, counseling, but teachers writing notes about his bad attitude too. His mother is in denial, but he is with her most of the time.
And since I got a toddler, I don't want the big guy to touch him, he did it with others before, so it's really stressing me out.

Thanks for the artice - I

Thanks for the artice - I enjoyed reading it. I agree with MOST of it - some skids NEED to be kept out of the blended families home especially if they are old enough to know and behave better. SD13 will NOT be allowed to enter our home again, until her attitude changes and she learns that she is not the boss of everyone and she is NOT DH's partner/lover/wife/mother.

Sometimes, it is much better for toxic kids to be kept out for the sake of everyone else in the house hold. It would be completely unfair to the kids who have adapted to and are coping well with the changes to their families. Having this disruptive kid forced bck would create a shitload of more dramas and we don't need that.

She is much, much better off staying with BM, who encourages and supports her hatred of DH's new relationship.

I applaud DH's stance and love the fact that he is finally standing up to both of these dominating leeches that have tried to suck him dry for the last 13 years.

Pilgrim Soul, I believe your

Pilgrim Soul, I believe your post provides a perfect example of the inequities that can occur in blended families, specifically as shown by the negative consequences your children suffer on account of the SKids. It is a shame that our society places pressure on SMs to allow for these inequities to benefit the SKids, while pushing other children to the wayside (whether subsequent half siblings or step-siblings). My hope for your children is that the skids are providing them with a clear picture of how NOT to act while also encouraging them to never get involved with a person with children from a prior relationship/marriage when they are adults. On the other hand, the skids will skate through their childhood gaining praise, encouragement, and rewards for their victim mentality, only to be hit in the face with reality when they have to enter the real world. I don't know about you all, but I have never known an employer or professional colleague who was willing to excuse subpar performance or behavior based on the fact that
a person's parents got divorced when they were kids.

Jerseymommy, I believe your post provides a poignant example of when it is appropriate to limit a skid's access to your home. It sounds like you and your children are put in a position of fear and absolute misery when skid is in your home. That is unfair to both you and your children. You have made the correct decision to keep Skid out of your home. Skid does not the right to strip you and your children of a peaceful and happy home.

Thank you, IWOMH, you are so

Thank you, IWOMH, you are so right: that is exactly how i approach the situation - as a learning experience for my boys. I tell them that i never want them to treat their dad or anyone else the ways my skids treat their father AND all of us. We talk about what the BM has done to the skids, and how they are not able to have their own independent judgment and act accordingly. I pretty much apologized to my sons for bringing people into their lives who treat them as inanimate objects. Who do not reciprocate. I hope this negative experience with skids makes my kids better people... and will teach them to stay away from people with kids when they grow up and begin dating seriously!

notasm, I completely agree

notasm, I completely agree with you that first children should NOT be considered superior to subsequently born children, whether half siblings or not. Unfortunately, society does not seem to take the same stance when it comes to half-siblings. For example, there are countless research studies out there on the effects of a subsequent half sibling on a skids, but yet these studies do not look to the effects having an older half sibling has on the younger subequent step sibling. There are plenty of articles and advice out there addressing how to help your skid cope with a subsequent half sibling (these tactics usually include spoiling and coddling the skid), but I have not yet found such articles providing advice on how to mitigate the damage or negative effects an older half sibling can have on a subsequent half sibling. These articles are quick to proclaim the damage a subsequent half sibling can have a stepkid from an academic, social, and societal standpoint, but yet doesn't opine the other way. It's completely lopsided. On this very site where "stepparents come to vent" I commonly find statements either indicating or directly stating that the rights of the skids trump all others, and that all others should fall in line to accomodate DH's relationship with the skids no matter what the cost (whether it be a trampled on and ignored SM or subsequent half siblings wo are pushed aside to ensure the skids' get their way).

The more I live this life with a DH and Skids the more I realizet he injustice of the situation, and the more I come to believe that the negative long term effects "kids of divorce" are commonly sited as having are not because of the divorce itself, but rather are because they are actually encouraged to manipulate their parents and other adults with their "poor me" mentality and guilt trips. No child should be permitted to cause another ADULT (ie a SM) such anguish, let alone get extra attention an coddling for doing so. We have a completely backwards thinking society!!

I was upset to discover that

I was upset to discover that this article had been removed from HubPages. It was literally my guiding light. Having stepkids is an unnatural situation. Back in the day when most people were pioneers or farmers, folks remarried a lot, but that was usually due to one spouse dying. Adding additional hands to the family, i.e., stepkids, was a benefit because you needed more hands to plant the crops or till the fields. Back in those days the kids probably did the work. If not, they were more than likely kicked out because there was no monetary benefit in supporting someone who wasn't blood and who was consuming, yet not producing.

You definitely didn't hear them crying for their white trash BMs in their room for hours because you've taken away their iPhones.

We've gone from having the skid every weekend, to every other weekend Friday through Sunday, to every other weekend Saturday through Sunday. My next goal is having my DH visit the skid offsite at DH's parents every other weekend. It can be done! You just have to be demanding, yet somewhat patient. My personal goal throughout is that no harm is done to the skid. I've never said a negative thing to the skid or behaved negatively toward him, yet I've made it clear to my DH that this is our home, and that the skid is only a visitor. If the skid's obnoxious in any way, then he's gone. It's too disruptive to have a rude, backward skid around every other weekend. That and I'm planning on turning the skid's room into the future nursery. I should feel bad about this, but then again I also pay the bulk of the mortgage and house expenses.

And I really used to feel bad about all of the above, but then I realized that if my DH wanted to see the skid all the time he should have stayed with the BM and her entire collection of Jersey Shore DVDs. I have no problem with DH maintaining his relationship with the skid, but it doesn't need to involve my time, my house or my sanity.