I would nix the co-sleeping fast. That is an unhealthy dependency and stbSD does not need to see herself as mini-wife or equal to you.

On the $ thing. If you just bought a house let it go for now. It takes a while for budgets to adjust. Have you taken him out for a surprise or treat? Isn't it just important that you get to have a moment together? He is always going to spend on his kid. Just accept that. You might be able to have a weekend "budget" that you guys set to keep things reigned in but he is going to do fun things with the kid.

If you guys have separate accounts for finances then you really don't have much say in the $ argument as long as he is paying his portion of the bills.

IMHO Co-sleeping or poor sleeping habits are the HUGE red flag indicating either a guilty/disney dad, a PASinator BM or, as in my case and many, BOTH!

So much so that it's number one and two of my red flag list:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

My 6 year old is going through a phase right now where he doesn't want to sleep alone...almost every night is a freaking battle. We didn't co sleep with him growing up, and this developed since we moved. I see it as a combo between that and my having been sick and hospitalized that this got worse. They key difference is I will not negotiate with a 6 year old. If I have to tell him 20 times to go to bed I will. We can have snuggle time but he sleeps in his bed & I sleep in bed with Daddy.

I don't see this as a divorce thing or that she is doing it to spite you, I just think it is the age. Dad just needs to be firm and stick to his guns. Believe me I dread bed time some nights, and it is harder when it isn't your own child to have compassion with out wanting to wring their neck :).

I'm 100% in favor of co sleeping and attachment parenting, and it is my opinion that this arrangement you describe is EXTREMELY inappropriate.

For one, why is a 7 year old dictating to adults what the bedtime routine is? Um, not healthy. It just SMACKS adult spousal status. DH and BM are creating a monster with this crap.

Also, why is BM using her 7 year old daughter to fill the void of a sleeping companion in the absence of a spouse? WOAH!!!!!!!

DH needs to establish a healthy routine for this little girl, complete with firm boundaries STAT. At 7, pick a time, any time, and about half an hour before bedtime, it's time to potty, brush teeth, comb hair, wash face and hands, read a story or two, and flip on our nightlight. Then it's time for Little Nugget to fall asleep on her own. It'll be hard the first few times, but she has to get used to it.

For Heavens sake you're going to MARRY this guy? Listen a engagement is a time where you get to know the guy and the situation better. Now you know. It's not good and its not going to get better when you get married.

Go and find a guy who doesn't have children and start your own family if you must have kids.

Of course you are upset.As soon the princess turns up he makes it all about her and leaves you and your feelings totally in the dark. Not uncommon- those kind of guys justifies their behaviour by saying they only see their brats part time and you are there all the time.So they take their life partners for granted , but when their kids come , the whole world spins around them only.Naturally that makes you feel like second choice and you are probably even jealous , which I think is totally normal since your future husband treats his daughter like a mini wife and forgets about you when she is there,Things like only spending money on her are therefore hurtful since they reflect all this crap.
I am sorry you go through all this, I have experienced the same with my now ex SO and it was dreadful.Plus they create those manipulative little monsters who are thinking everything must be about them when they appear.very unhealthy.Your BF should put you first , no matter if she is here or not and start parenting his kid.The child needs to learn that she is very very loved but does NOT have the same status as an adult in the house.Never ever she should get to sleep with him and you should be left alone in your bed- that sets a really wrong message and trust me, I have been through the same with ex SD same age- it made everything much worse.

I got SO to cut out the cosleeping back when SD was 6. The sooner you nip that in the bud, the better. Explain that it’s inappropriate for the cosleeping to continue and that it’s sending a mixed signal to the child. I just said that I don’t sleep in beds with children, and that SO had to make a choice about who he wanted sleeping with him.

If you want your life to be kid-free, you’re gonna have to leave your FDH. The kid is gonna be around forever. Now, I choose to stay relatively detached and quite disengaged from SD, which works for me and could also work for you. This is another method that you could use to regain harmony and stay with your FDH.

You’re right about one thing: It is never going to go away. If you feel like you want to leave him, look into why. Is it because of SD’s existence, or because of FDH’s attitude toward SD’s existence? Maybe you and FDH need to have a heart to heart about how you deserve respect and love in the house, and how you feel like you’re not getting it.

I hate the guilt trip that these step kids can pull. Every once in a while my fiances son will pull this "daddy" act at 11 and beg and pled until dad comes to lay down with him. Happily those times are getting less and less and we have made vast improvements since only six-nine months ago the step son would sleep in our bed whenever he was here.

I hate the times I feel like I am of a second rank. And that is exactly what I tell my fiance. When we talk about these things, rather than bush the things he does, I would tell him how important our moments of pillow talk before we fall asleep are and how much closer our intimate bond becomes when he holds me as we fall asleep. Sometimes talking is hard and he will lash out with accusations of trying to come between him and his son but after some time and more talking and reflecting on his part I do see small changes.

I know many people say to bail and that these are red flags, but for me I would see how receptive his is when you really lay how these actions make you feel. Remind him that right now you two are modeling the marriage relationship that she will come to see as the "norm." (When his daughter is grow does he want her to have to sleep next to some guy in order to sleep? When she is a mother, does he think she should be okay with her husband ditching her or should she be on the pedastle?) BUT, if you commit to this road, remember that it will be long and frustrating. These changes are so hard and every small improvement must be met withover joyed praise even when you feel like it isn't enough. Hope things turn up!

Being a step parent is not for the faint of heart, it is very common for little girls to have attachment issues with daddies they only see on weekends/every other weekend etc. My SD has been terrible about this and still is even though she has lived with us full time now for 6 months. But here is the realty of life as a step parent...you come second. But stop and think about if it was your own child, who would you put first more often than not? If the answer is not your child then you are not ready to be a step parent. It is a hard life with few rewards and a whole lot of putting others first, at sometimes that will even include putting BM ahead of yourself because it's what is best for the child (which I can tell you is killer when that point comes! but it will come eventually more than likely) So my advice in this situation is to take some time away, go stay with your mom or a friend and do some very serious soul searching about if this is a life you are prepared to handle for the next at least 11/12 years. That's a HUGE commitment and very few people would blame you for walking away if it's not something you can do at this point in your life. I've been with my DH for 4 years and married 2 years and there are still days I have to stop and question if I can keep doing this, so I promise it will likely not get easier

Having said all that if you decide that you are strong enough to do this then you and DH have to sit down and have a long serious talk. Let him know the things you are absolutely NOT okay with. If he is anything at all like my DH he has a lot of guilt over the situation, my DH used to spend all kinds of crazy money on my SD and he even allowed her to sleep in our bed for entirely to long (she was also around 7 at the time). But I talked to him about how he was doing her no favors by babying her and he was not making up for anything either he was only turning her into a spoiled brat who was going to think life just handed her everything and she had no consequences for her actions. But it is hard to get those daddies past their guilt so don't expect one talk to fix it all right away.

Good Luck!

GIRLFRIEND!!!!

Seriously tell that man of yours that you need him to start thinking about your family with his time, and money. He needs to learn that you will be his wife first, and with that you need his money, time and respect FIRST. FIRST, cause in 11 years it will be just you and him, she will have her own life. I broke it down for my husband how much his kid costs, how much he costs and I said, what is left over for our family and the SPENDING stopped. If he didn't see things from my POV, the wedding wouldn't have happened. You need to stake out your space girl. SD isn't allowed in my room/(our bedroom), my hot tub, or in my office. The only person that "sleeps," with my husband is me, and It's not healthy for a little girl to sleep with her father at that age. It's time for female privacy. Pitch it that way, no make naked, and start learning how to respect the opposite sex.

All I can say, is IF YOUR HUSBAND is open to changing and respects your place in the family, and the life, then it WILL work. Of course you will give, but most of the feelings we have are because HE started his family with out you and that's not fair. So he needs to understand, and accommodate you MORE than he accommodates his kid. After 3 years, I'm finally not freaking out on Monday before she comes. I actually don't hate that she will be here in 15 minutes. YEAH, there are things I'd rather do, and the thought of my husband's baby mama, makes me wanna vomit, and run to my girlfriends to party… but it's MUCH less and I'm MUCH less angry than I was.

I posed this already but… this really helped me:So.. I have been a SM for 2 years... Here is what I have learned:

-MY "feelings," are mostly about how my husband reacts to his Daughter.

-The SD6 isn't super horrible it's her actions that are

-The only people who change/raise children are the parents, which means while under my roof it's my responsibility and right to enforce my rules

-My husband is MY husband before he is a father so it's MY way first.

-HE only has one wife, and if he wants me to be it, he will treat me like it and treat his child like his child.

-My feelings and wishes are valid

-There are times when it's ok for me to be selfish, I have a life too

-SD has 12 grandparents who give her gifts and love her, she isn't a victim.

-If we treat her a certain way because we feel guilty she will always be a victim

-She has gone on more vacations that I have in the last 2 years... so it's ok for me to go places with out her.

-SD wants me to treat her like a kid, not respect her like an adult

-SD wants to please me, I have to show her how

-My husband needs to know how I feel, even when the message is SO horrible and makes me look like a selfish brat.

-Wanting my husband to act like MY husband and have me as hit top priority isn't WRONG!

-My husband does not know more about parenting simply because he has reproduced

-If I ever have my own kids I will treat them differently that SD because they are different people and have different lives and values

-Baby mama will always be a slut, but SD will have a choice

-When SD asks why her parent's are not together and whats to know what happened I think it is our duty to be honest with her.

-My Husband and I need to be on the same page when it comes to the expectation we have for SD.

-I need to help my husband get over his guilt

-I will never love SD like my own, simply because she is not

-Taking a break from SD is perfectly normal, natural and necessary

-If my husband and I can't help SD become a responsible person who isn't a slut, she has no chance.

-SD will piss me off... SD will never go away.... SD will always ask for money... SD will learn how to impress me... SD may never want to impress me... SD will learn how to respect my financial contribution to her life...

So GOOD luck GIRL!!!!

If you are not married, let me just say, it WONT get any better after marriage! Put your foot down, if he wants to be married to you he needs to make you happy first! FIRST before his kids, you will be his wife, his one and only. The mother of any "non-bastard," children, and he needs to know you expect and deserve to be treated as such. If he does not understand, then tell him you are going to step aside and allow him to marry his daughter, and wish him a happy future. Find someone who recognizes and understands how to treat his wife!

Girlfriend- Establish those expectations.

My husband's 4 year old, was 86-ed from the bed and it took over a year to "train," her on this. I put my standards for marriage out there before we got married, because you only get one husband, one marriage!

yikes,

fast-forward 10, or so, years ...

i am a male with a 17sd who i have known since she was eight. she has lived under this roof since seventh grade. i don't even know where to begin, or how to reply to your post, except to tell you to think long and hard before you go on with this. you are talking about a good chunk of the rest of your life here.

and i'm afraid it will only get worse before it gets better. for my part, i knew straight-away that i was making a mistake and events just unfolded, seemingly on their own power (in retrospect, i know that i was just kidding myself thinking like that, i needed to take responsibility for my own life, even if i had to face up to the fear of being alone).

i'm sure there are all kinds of other things in the emotional mix for you. certainly there are here.

at the moment: this is h*ll. i have never been so miserable. reading about the behavior of some of the other sd's on this site has helped make me feel that i am not so alone, but ...

for closing in on a decade my mere existence has been resented by sd. what prompted me to reply to you was the story about the dog. i had a spaniel when i was first going out with bm and when i would show up in town, sd17 (who was 8 then) would make a huge deal about the spaniel, treating me like i was a ghost. well, the "ghost treatment" has lasted until this day.

if only that were the whole of it.

anyway, i ramble.

and don't confuse me with someone who thinks they are perfect. while i HAVE been a major force for stability around here (even both of them would own up to that, i'm pretty sure) i really stepped in it the other night. short version: while leaving the house, with sd17 being shrewish to her boyfriend in another room, i said to my wife "i pity the poor schmuck who gets stuck with that."

... sigh, most wounds are self-inflicted, no? ...

anyway, it was overheard by sd17 and her beau.

ugh.

Wow it is so helpful to read some of these posts... I think i have about 90% of those red flags... My fiance's son is 10 years old. He tells my FIANCE when its bedtime, which is so inappropriate on its own. Whats worse, is that the kid sleeps in the bed with daddy, and i sleep in the kids bed. we have this child half the time. BM has the other half. the kid sleeps on his own at his moms house, but wouldnt dare think of doing it with us. the kid tells my fiance that he hates me, and wants to kill me. but he will come up to me and kiss my ass so i will play with him. he is awful and the whole situation is miserable. I love my fiance but i really feel like he doesnt have my back at all. we have been together over 2 years and its just gotten worse. I live under the control of a 10 year old in my own home. Not only that, but Im not even allowed near my fiance when the kid is around... if we get within 2 feet of each other the kid comes running in between to distract dad.... I loved this kid in the beginning, and i feel so terrible to say it but im really starting to hate him. He's so mean...