Need Advice - Almost ready to quit
27 year old Male here. No bios. Good looking successful guy. I seemed to have fallen into the dreaded step parent trap.
My girlfriend and her 6 year old daughter have been living with me for 9 months. We have her full time. sigh.
Shes the worst kid in the world. Last night she stayed up screaming till 11 pm. We gave up this time trying to get her to go to bed.
I am successful, business owner. I want to get them out. I love my girlfriend and she wants to start talking marriage. No way in a million years am I marrying her kid as well. I just don't have the heart to tell her how i feel about her daughter. My girlfriend cries as well and knows how difficult she is. How do I even go about this. Every time i bring it up she just mops about the house and lays in bed.
These two years of dating have been an unpleasant roller coaster ride and I am at my whits end.....I have had enough. I want to go back to my single life and find a girl WITHOUT any kids of her own. To all you step parents out there I know almost everything and I am sorry for your trials and hope your lives are better then mine has turned out.
I don't know what to do. I have been and will continue to disengage but the SD6 turns into a monster without the attention. The house is trashed consistently. I'm the one cleaning. I work 50 hours a week and pay for EVERYTHING. I think i am going to seek a counselor and see if I can get help i need to get out of this.....why do these stories always turn out the same??? I can't imagine her when she becomes a teenager. I dont want to be around.
I think you know what you
I think you know what you want, and need, to do, as hard as it's going to be.
If dating her has not been that fun, what do you think the rest of your life with her and her daughter is going to be like?
You need to let your girlfriend know that she needs to find a new place to live.
Sometimes its easier said
Sometimes its easier said then done I guess....I care about her so much and we have grown to know each other...it complicates things a million times more when you are living together.
And I really like the dog. (we got together) hes my little buddy.
But Yes just trying to get some support I guess because this will be the hardest breakup ever....
Its so hard to do the blended family thing...even harder telling her to move back home or something. She couldnt afford a place on her own, especially in the school district we are in.
It is easier said than done
It is easier said than done but if she moves out and learns how to parent her daughter (whatever that may take, the little girl sounds like she has some issues), your relationship might still have a chance.
Does she allow you to
Does she allow you to discipline the child? Should the child be tested for any emotional disturbances and given counseling and help? Can both of you sit down together and make a plan that states what you like about the child and what about her behaviors MUST go? And then WRITE down SPECIFIC consequences that if she does this then her mom AND you will do this. Ie. if she screams about going to bed, shes in her room alone to scream it out and after 1 prompt of being told to go to bed if she continues then the next night she will go to her bed 30 min early. If she allows you to discipline her it may help and if you two do it on the same page and sit and talk to the child on her level of what the rules are. Let her earn stickers when she does well as well. Always give positive with the negative. My problem is my DH won't allow me to discipline his ungodly terrible behaved kids. If she will allow you then I think you guys could manage and discipline should turn the child around after a while of being stern with it. Just my thoughts since you say you really care and love her. If this doesn't work after a good solid 6month try then maybe you could front her a little apartment for a month until she can get on her feet? Just my thoughts. You don't have to and have no obligation to I'm just saying b/c you sound like you would feel terrible just kicking her out.
Yeah she lets me discipline
Yeah she lets me discipline but it only can go so far. The SD6 is very smart and manipulative. Maybe ill give it another 2 months...end of the half school year....maybe they can move districts...
She can move back in with her grandparents for all i care. They have a nice house and she is happy there. Until she gets back on her feet.
Yes she wants us to go to
Yes she wants us to go to parenting classes and work on it, i dont think i have the strength after the last week.
The kid also finally saw her dad after like 4 months...she came home and when we were watching TV said she was going to kill me and was thinking about it.
She since apologized but i think thats weird for a 6 year old to say. After everything i have done for them.
And how do i just ask her to
And how do i just ask her to move out when she just sits around the house and cries...i have no where else to go...
Well thank you for your kind
Well thank you for your kind words. Yes thats the plan. Get a counselor and i can get through this lol. Maybe invite her to a session or when she asks how it went. Tell her.
Not trying to judge here but
Not trying to judge here but I see you wrote something to the effect of you pay for everything and work 50 hours a week and you are the one stuck cleaning? Ok does she work? If not she needs to keep the house up and if you haven't brought this to her attention, I would if you do end up staying with her. I am currently an at home mother (not for much longer) but I naturally do the laundry, cleaning, taking care of our children, dinner...etc. I don't need to be told (honestly DH wouldn't tell me to clean as I am ocd with it anyways, he tells me to take a break sometimes). My point is she should be doing her share of stuff too especially if she is at home. As far as the SD, she is young enough to possibly be helped and I think her mother should get that for her soon, otherwise you are correct, teenage years wont be fun. This is the child's Mom's responsibility. Does she know you want out? Maybe that would change her tune? I know you are disengaging and rightfully so but its sad in a way because if her mom would get her help or even try some discipline with her over time she could be a good kid and you could be closer to her. All kids act up, even my bios BUT I don't let them get away with acting up in a unnecessary manner, there is a difference between acting like a normal misbehaving kid and an outright brat. My oldest SD who is now 22 was a brat in her younger years. I hardly was even close to her, I took care of her but she in my mind drove me nuts...funny thing now, with a bit of discipline and showing her she wasn't boss, her and I are really close now, she comes to me for just about everything. She has turned into a very smart and good girl. Going to school full time with a high GPA, hard work ethics by working 32 hours a week on top of her school schedule and paying for her own way in life. She hardly comes to us for money ever. I think the last thing we have had to help her with was to co sign for a car but she makes those payments on time every month. She is a good kid. My other SD who is 19 never got the discipline and well that's a long story but we don't talk to her right now if that draws a picture.
Anyways if you truly want out, then do it, if you want to work it out your going to have to talk to your other half and even if she wants to mope around the house, oh well, she needs to get it. The child is only 6 so its her responsibility to try and fix this situation.
Yeah she works too. Doesn't
Yeah she works too. Doesn't make enough to pay for more than her car payments, day to day living and afterschool daycare.
But my last girlfriend was OCD about cleaning too as i am. This one could care less i think.
I do want to have kids but this step parenting thing is different. I am ready to scream at her kid but I feel it is not right.
You mention that you want
You mention that you want kids someday. Really think then about this, do you want to be tied down with a SD that you think may not change or get the discipline that she needs and a girl who doesn't seem to care what you think? You have the freedom to leave. I stayed in my 12 year relationship with my DH because he was good to me, otherwise I would have left back when my oldest SD was being a brat and that would have spared me the heart ache that now SD19 has caused me (she was the one I was so close to and loved like my own child) She is now disengaged from me and DH. Long story, anyways if you don't want to stay don't feel you have to just because she feels she has no where to go, maybe give her a time limit to find some where? Does she have family? I am wondering just from reading a couple of other posts that she isn't just staying because you financially support both her and her daughter. I don't know her so not trying to be harsh but while you have no bios and not happy it either needs to be addressed and changes need to be made or you will be miserable forever. I am thankful my DH is a wonderful man and we connect as it brought me my 2 bio daughters who I love dearly and they make it worth it going through all the troubles I went through the last 4 years of dealing with SD19. I wish you well and I hope you find your answer here. Lots of good people on here who will help you. They helped me.
I see that. This thread got
I see that. This thread got flooded fast!@ Im happy you have bios of your own and DH is good to you :). Makes it all worth it kind of.
I will let you all know how it turns out. I think it will be a few months and give a timeline. But how the hell do we live with each other in the meantime????? Its hard, she lived with her grandparents before we moved in. Shes 25, she can move back with her grandparents.
Be careful until she's gone.
Be careful until she's gone. The last thing you need is her ending up pregnant in the middle of all of this. IT does happen!
Well thank you. Almost
Well thank you. Almost brought me to tears. Thanks for the support from a total stranger. Been reading here for over 6 months.
Yeah I turn 28 soon....if I wait another year the urge to have my own kids is getting stronger.
She's not your problem, pack
She's not your problem, pack her shit and get her out. If you are a business owner, then you should know that being Mr Nice Guy gets you nowhere fast. She should have parented her daughter and then she wouldn't be in this mess. No regrets, get her out.
Yeah this is hard. I was Mr.
Yeah this is hard. I was Mr. Nice guy 2 years ago when i met her. I was younger and yes it gets you nowhere fast!!
I am part owner of a very large construction company. I am still young in the business but perhaps this is a good way to learn...Im going to miss that dog.
Oh yeah. Her grandparents
Oh yeah. Her grandparents always helped her raise her daughter...I think thats where much of the problem comes in.
Well thank you. Yes those are
Well thank you. Yes those are good ideas. Before she lived with me she lived with her grandparents 20 minutes away. (Not far). They are wonderful people and great support. I got her a job at a reputable bank, Wells Fargo, shes very smart.
Also her kid goes to school in my school district which is nicer then any around. Im so screwed but yeah maybe I just need to bring this all up....
You're not screwed. You're
You're not screwed. You're screwed if you marry into this mess. I know I sound harsh, but you have to think with your head these days. Thinking with your heart will get you #1 - stuck in a fucked up situation & #2 - divorced with a big fat alimony payment.
Just cut the cord.
Yeah She wants to marry but
Yeah She wants to marry but no freakin way right now. I feel like if I marry in I wouldn't mind splitting everything 50/50. But I feel im already splitting everything 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 SD6.
And my career is just taking off. Yes I will work on cutting the cord over the next week or two....it takes time...ill disengage all and get a counselor.
You know that feeling though? I feel screwed, def more if we were married and I was older...I apologize if I offend anyone. I have had many trials in my life, more than most but this is one I should avoid for myself.
Yeah She wants to marry but
Yeah She wants to marry but no freakin way right now. I feel like if I marry in I wouldn't mind splitting everything 50/50. But I feel im already splitting everything 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 SD6.
And my career is just taking off. Yes I will work on cutting the cord over the next week or two....it takes time...ill disengage all and get a counselor.
You know that feeling though? I feel screwed, def more if we were married and I was older...I apologize if I offend anyone. I have had many trials in my life, more than most but this is one I should avoid for myself.
The resentment builds...it
The resentment builds...it haunts my dreams to think of a happy family I could have had and the thought if I get older and we only have one kid together, (if it happens) would be the worst feeling of my life.
The damn games and tricks to get ploy ed into a long lasting relationship are enough to make me scream.
The dog, the stuff we buy together, the constant pushing of being a father figure....the living together. I'm a rat in a cage.
Taking a breath. Lol thanks.
Taking a breath. Lol thanks. We have all been thru this before.
Yes I just need time to approach and resolve this. I have been freaking out all day.
Taking a step back. Thank you steptalk mom
Does your gf have depression?
Does your gf have depression? You mention she lies about the house crying all the time, sounds like she is struggling with parenting her child and may in fact have depression. Trouble is though, SHE has to be the one to help herself and while she may have allll the support in the world unless she gets up off her arse and asks for help from her Doctor she is NOT going to improve. Trust me when I say, unless she admits she needs help to professionals and herself, gets that help and makes that effort to lift herself through the fog she is just going to get worse.
It also seems like she expects an awful lot from you while she gives back the minimum. She may be working but she is unable to pay her and her child's part of the bills, I appreciate in this economy it IS difficult to find better paid employment however she could make up this short fall by doing her fair share of the housework.
I work p/t due to a disability and I do the most housework because my DH works FT! It's made worse in your situation when she also has a child who messes the house up and she does not tidy it. Seems to me like she is taking advantage and perhaps her depression is causing her to be unaware of this, BUT again, she is self destructing with this type of behaviour.
You mention you have nowhere else to go. WHY would you go somewhere else when you own the house?!!! Do not leave your home. SHE should be the one who leaves, not you. Plus, who bought the dog? Who pays for the dog? You could claim that dog as your possession and please ensure once you break up with her, that you do not have sex with her (seen many men being caught through "accidental" pregnancies - especially when she wants to marry you)! Do NOT leave her in the house on her own. Tell her one weekend and ask her to leave immediately. Harsh but if her child is a brat, trashing the house and your gf is currently apathetic to everything and is depressed, she could become violent and destructive. So be careful. She can go to her grandparents so its not like you are putting her and sd6 onto the streets.
I'd listen to that advice
I'd listen to that advice above by by NoDoormat. Also, in a way living together before you married might of been for the best b/c I did NOT know how terrible my SKids were until we married and lived together for 6 months. The weekend stays the occasional holiday stays they weren't the holly terrors they are now. Now being married a year and half the last year has been TERRIBLE. Resentment eats away bad...it will turn you into a person you hate. Trust me. You have no ties now... and it doesn't meant that later in life you all cant' be casual friends or someone she can lean on if times are hard if that is what you want..but it means you two simply are not for each other. The child doesn't benefit from this relationship.
Well thank you all. No she is
Well thank you all. No she is not depressed but when I bring up how this isn't working out she goes and cries in the nice bed I bought for us.
Yes I thought living together would be good to know what I was getting into. I don't like it. But if we would have dated and dated and got married this whole thread would sing a different tune.
The thing is our relationship is great. But we fight all the time about the messy house, the kid, the amount of housework I do.
Oooh but she is just to busy with her daughter to clean shit up.
Please, please, please go see
Please, please, please go see an attorney and figure out how to get her and her daughter out of your home. Since they've been living there this long, you'll probably have to evict her.
An easier option might be telling your gf you want to get her into an apartment of her own for a while because you need some space to work on your relationship...hell, make something up...pay her first month's rent but DON'T put your name on anything and get her out. Then change your locks and phone number!
Please, you're young and sound like a great catch for a nice, single, childless woman. Too many of us settled for stephell because we couldn't find a nice man who didn't have kids. Please, save some nice young woman from stephell.
Yes I will try and I think
Yes I will try and I think she would leave on her own. But this is very hard. Its not just tears and games to make me feel bad.
Its trench warfare at this stage.
I would love to have a childless woman. If I had a kid I could understand being in this situation but its so unfair to me without one. It wouldnt be so bad if her kid was well behaved
even my parents say that
I could probably just send
I could probably just send her a link to this post. She would probably pack her shit tonight, break her heart though....
Thank all you steptalk strangers for your support. You are all wonderful. Glad I found my old password
Yes I was only kidding, im a
Yes I was only kidding, im a good person. It doesnt make you a bad person if you can't handle someone else's kid.
All I can say is if you have
All I can say is if you have doubts now, then a few counseling sessions won't fix the problem. Which is an uninvolved bio-dad and a lazy bio-mom.
Additionally, why should YOU go to a parenting class? Why does she think it should be your responsibility to parent this kid?
I agree with the other that said to break up and get her out. This relationship is toxic.
Get custody of the dog. Better to be single and happy, than to be miserable in a relationship.
Help to get out of it. how
Help to get out of it.
how about just manning up and telling her why you need it over. You are not going to be the last guy that leaves if she continues to allow her daughter to run the show.
doesn't have to be rude, just honest.
she may not react as broken as you think
I commented on the bottom of
I commented on the bottom of this page. Well yes I made this name because it is very obvious what SHOULD be done. But how many people on this site are in this situation and have contemplated leaving but never did so??? Some regret it, some do not, some come to vent, some wish there was someone helping them leave when they had the chance.
I was not rushing to play house it was a decision I made to know what I was getting into. From the looks of things around here it is a difficult feat.
One friend said it best to me before....we are all victims of our own doing. Something along those lines. I wish I had found this forum before I agreed to let them move in....but I do agree I need to stand up and handle it. Guess I just really wanted to be done breaking hearts this time around.
Well this weekend we talked
Well this weekend we talked about it a little bit more. I think its going to be a slow process but we can't just hit the breaks now. Its unfair to anyone at this point.
Yes we dated for about a year and half and I hung out with her and her kid a lot of time throughout that. But what I didnt realize is that her grandparents did most of the work raising the kid and once the kid finally got away from the grandparents the terror began.