We don't see any of our kids much because we're all scattered geographically. So it's not like the occasional call for lunch. We have to make plans to visit.

We work it out so that when we go to Skidville, I tend to take an extra day or so to spend just with mine who live within an hour or so, and I return home before DH since I have a job to go back to. When skids come to visit us, they have all day when I'm at work for "alone time" with DH.

The problem comes when they decide they don't want me to visit at all. Well, no, they don't get to tell DH he can't travel with his wife. It's just plain rude and selfish. They've tried this exactly once. And I don't even know why as we get along most of the time and we were going to do the DH extended stay plan.

I get that I'm not their BFF. I don't care as long as they are polite, and they usually are. I have very few complaints. But I am married to their father, we are happy together, and DH and I work hard at maintaining that primary relationship. Children, adult or otherwise, do not get to tell their parents the expectations. Unfortunately, DH always allowed his children to participate in too many adult decisions, and they have an ongoing expectation of being able to tell him what he should and should not be doing. THAT is at the root of the problem.

My dad married my current stepmom when I was already an adult. I like her, but I don't think it would be weird for me to ask my dad to have lunch with just me. When my sons grow up and get married, I hope to still be able to meet them for lunch and catch up once in a while without having to invite their partners every time.

I don't necessarily think it's tricky for bio-parents and adult kids to do something together alone in step families. I think it becomes an issue when there has been a pervasive pattern of treating the SP badly, attempts to usurp every free minute alone with the bio-parents, refusing to allow the SP to EVER join in, using said time to create problems between the BP and the SP, etc. This is when things take an ugly turn.

I don't remember ever telling my xH that he couldn't spend time with his adult children. What I didn't appreciate was being told that I was not welcome, ever. Sorry but, that's a line drawn in the sand by the SK's, not me. Naturally xH was too spineless to stand up for himself, so he was never going to stand up for me. I do believe that's where all the issues come from.

I like that DH and SD17 have their alone time. We had an issue early where she had misunderstood and pitched herself as a mini-wife because DH had by necessity taken her places and had an inclusive life with her when just the 2 of them lived together. So for a while i suggested that he could reframe that time as a healthy outdoor activity like golf practice or swimming rather than restaurants and the like. In the end I think that worked better.

As she matures, then it will even out. Its good for any child to have some one on one time with each parent. For me as an adult or even a teen, I wasn't that keen on it except for a bit of a chat at home or something but each child is different. My teens and young adulthood were all about getting out and being with people my own age. A shopping trip with mum sometimes was nice though. Whilst I do not especially understand why some adult steps need it so much, I just accept it now.

My DH and I are both SP in our marriage. Two are my bios, one is his bio and then our youngest is ours together. So we are super blended to say the least. ALL of the kids except mr two year old since he's so young, ask to have what we call "you and me time" with each of us. Since there are four kids in our family sometimes it is hard to carve out that time, but they all get a piece of it. Since we are both SP's it makes each of us feel very special when one of our SK's ask for time with the SP alone. Just last week, SS10 asked while we drove to school, if I would come have lunch with him. This is the time frame that works best for me to dedicate to them, and they love it, so it works. The weekends work best for my husband to plan "you and me time" with the kids. So step or bio, they all crave undivided attention from the both us. We practice as a family to be happy for whichever kid is out having their special time knowing they will have their turn as well. Usually they get to pick what they like to do. Such as biking, swimming at the rec, going for ice cream, going on a hike. Just good ol bonding time. I believe that is why we are so tight knit. And i think it is super important, as long as the SK and SP get along well, that they too have that bonding time. The SP SK relationship needs to be nurtured as well.

In the beginning it was harder on everyone, because SS10 was the only one being made time for. And only special activities were planned while he was with us. So for everyone else, it felt like the world revolved only around SS10. So we sat down and talked about how we could make things work where everyone in the family felt like they were special and cared about. Even though it took some trial and error. The above paragraph is what eventually worked, and it works so well, we wouldn't change a thing.

About half of the time, either DH or myself initiates the you and me time. I think this reminds the children that it's not just them that wants special time with us. That we want that special with them too.

I think it just depends on the dynamics, the history, and the perceived intention.

If I called my dad right now and asked him to have lunch with me tomorrow, when his wife is at work, his wife would not bat an eye. But I am not "at war" with his wife. She knows that I am not out to manipulate my dad or get money from him; nor do I have some other ulterior motive. She couldn't care less if I spend time with my dad without her.

And I don't care if my SD spends time alone with my husband. She is his daughter and he and I are not joined at the hip.

I can not understand the emphasis on this 'alone time' thing. Most everyone I know has alone time with a friend or family - no big deal. If my Sister told me she had to have alone time with my Mom I would say, "Go for it." If she said this to me more than a few times, and acted as if it was a 'tricky' situation, as if I was ultra-sensitive, I would think she had a screw loose or an ulterior motive.

It's all about intent. It seems most SMs on this site favor DH and Skid spending time alone, they encourage it. But if the purpose of the 'alone time' is to exclude another individual it is rude and bullying. In most skid relationships, SMs can tell the difference.

I witnessed this behavior in a High School I worked at. It was a sadistic ploy, designed to alienate another student. And when these little sweethearts return home to Dad and SM, the behavior continues long into adulthood.

I found DH and SD didn't necessarily have to be physically alone to exclude me. Prior to SD being banned from our home, there were many times that I wasn't included, even when I was present. I was merely invisible, which was still rude, evclusionary, bullying. You really don't have to go anywhere for 'alone time'.

This is pretty much a non-issue in my family. I have 4 daughters and dh has 3 sons - all are in their twenties or early 30's. I have NO desire to spend on-on-one time with his sons and dh barely knows my girls as the 2 older ones live states away and we only see them once a year. However, when I do go visit them, I go alone. Our problem comes in when dh seems to want me to play some kind of "motherly" role with his sons which I have absolutely no interest in doing. They are all drug users although SS30 is now clean and seems to getting his life together. Long story short, dh would be bored to death spending time with my daughters as I would his sons. My time with my daughters is our girl time together. My DDs would never ASK me to exclude dh, but I know they prefer one-on-one with just Mom. Dh DID this year want to go on a fishing vacation and wanted ME to come along with him and 2 of his sons. I told him no...that I no more wanted to take a vacation with HIS sons any more than he'd want to go on one with any of MY daughters. He got upset but eventually dropped it and we went nowhere. We went through a real rough patch this year regarding SS20 and, after some heated discussions, we agreed that OUR relationship HAS to take priority over ANY of our adult children or we won't make it. So, THAT is our focus now. We also agreed that NONE of our children will EVER live with us again (although I wouldn't put it past dh to let his youngest again). He's at a halfway house now, but if that didn't work out and he DID have a job or decided to go to community college, I could just see dh letting him live at home to which would NOT make me happy. Anyway, I just think kids (whether bio or step) all like alone times with their parents. Makes sense to me.