I am a parent in your house as you are a parent in mine... not her!
This is a offshoot of my last post about BM going completely off her rocker... and trying to exclude me in a meeting she wants to have with SD and FH. I am not to be there. The reason she says she does not want me there is even though FH has voiced to her. "We don't feel a meeting is necessary please let us know of any problems and we will address them in our home. If that does not work we will talk about a meeting however, lil_lady will be there because she is a parent in my home." She feels that she wants to parent with just FH and not FH and his gf... She continues to say that she is a parent in his home as he is a parent is hers but I am not a parent in her home. They have children together and have to parent as such without my involvement. She wants to get together with FH and sit down with SD because she feels like SD is having emotional problems... none of which we have seen when SD is at our home, just an happy excited to be big sister! I am 21 weeks pregnant. My question is we don't have an intention of entertaining a meeting but do I encourage FH address her delusional picture of her involvement in our home? I feel it is a matter of respect to our family and myself it may not be the hill to die on though. BM has clearly not accepted the fact that FH has moved on and I honestly feel that maybe FH just needs to start being brutal with her. You can see in my last post how delusional and clingy she has been... including trying to be part of my childs life but still lock me out of her mind.
Thus far she has been so bad that there is no longer telephone or text contact. Emails are written only on exchange days. Somehow she STILL finds a reason to send him an email or try to text him every 3 days. We do have good weeks where there is nothing. Now since my pregnancy she has done everything she can to cut myself out of the picture and try to get FH to meet with to talk about anything she can really. FH is not complying he is completely done trying to speak with this woman or reason with her. Anything that would be addressed would be done on our next exchange day when we send the kids back via email.
I have no intention saying
I have no intention saying anything to this woman. There wont be a meeting no way no how it isn't necessary. Respectfully we run our home a bit differently then you are saying here and I have been a parent role, only in our home on a day to day basis that is it. I guess our definition of "parent" might differ though! It is what has worked for us to make it the best it can be. FH and I will more then likely discuss it just honestly not sure what my opinion is right now so I am trying to talk it out to maybe get some clarity.
http://www.manipulative-peopl
http://www.manipulative-people.com. Courtesy of: fightincrazytrain.
Not sure if you saw this on another post today but, perhaps you should take a look.... http://steptalk.org/node/170481
She is not and should never be allowed to believe that SHE is the parent in your home. Untrue and seriously delusional. You may not be a parent yet, but you will be. Whatever issues SD is having due to YOUR BIO is most definitely YOUR business. Plus, as you stated, SD shows NONE of this emotional crap that BM is saying. It is up to your DH to put this BM in her place. So, for the sake of harmony, he probably should just be brutally honest about the fact that BM has absolutely NO rights in YOUR home. Sometimes, it takes brutal honesty to shut these crazy BM's down.
Thank you!! I have it saved
Thank you!! I have it saved in my favorites now! I agree with you she is not a parent in our home and never will be question is should FH really say that to her or ignore it.
This has already happened it
This has already happened it does seem to be damaging the kids. I am hoping though she will get the drift sooner rather then later as we settle into her having NOTHING to do with our son.
No matter how hard you try,
No matter how hard you try, you can not stop her from damaging the kids. That is her own disordered mind at play. You can't control it. Having said that, you also shouldn't fear that the BM is going to stir up shit if you don't do as she says. That's just absurd. You can't go along to get along with these high conflict BM's.
Your DH should tell her point blank (in an email) that she has no parental power in YOUR home. Then, let it go and document anything she writes back or leaves as a VM. If she persists, keep running the same lines back to her like a broken record. Once sentence.... WE are the parents in OUR home, just as YOU are the parent in YOURS. End of story. If she pushes, you have everything you need to prove that she's unbalanced.
That is actually a VERY good
That is actually a VERY good point... Recently got her to admit to PASSing in an email because FH pursued it. BM has responded well to the repeating of phrases in the past... well lol let me rephrase that! BM has gotten the message loud and clear in the past from repetition. Thank you for the advice it is definitely a different world having FH communicate with BM on the road to court vs just communicating because he has to! I will definitely be bring that up to him the next time the skids go back to BM's.
Honestly I don't think there
Honestly I don't think there needs to be a big dramatic line... Really all that needs to be said is "BM you are not a parent in my home I am not a parent in yours. I have my house rules as you do yours. The only time you are so much as present in my home is when one of our children refers to you as "my mom". I do not call you for advice as to handle situations I tell you how I have handled them during our emails. Our son is not your concern we will address any concerns in our home. Feel free to let us know if SD or SS are having problems and we will address it according to our family dynamic."
Just unsure if this is really needed or will just cause more problems... my concern is unless FH says something she still has her little delusional world she can live in! Maybe we should just let her and wash our hands.
Too many words for BM to
Too many words for BM to twist and cause more arguments, and that last line gives a cluster-b permission to intrude in your guys life.
You guys can't say ANYTHING to BM that will get her to come out of her world and into the real world, trying only makes your lives more stressful and hers... well, she feels like she's winning every time your FH replies to her, to her, it makes her think she does have a say in your home.
Make peace with the fact that she is the crazy nut she is, put up strong boundaries, do not engage in any convo's about your guys baby, leave it at that.
I was thinking it was very
I was thinking it was very wordy as I was typing... I think all she needs to know if anything is "BM you are not a parent in my home". Simple and sweet... I am so glad that she has seemed to drop the requests to go to my appointments or be around when the baby comes blah blah blah! I guess she got the drift with FH telling her point blank our baby not yours not your concern if the kids are having issues let me know. Thank you... I always look forward to your advice.
Why feed BM's crazy? Stop
Why feed BM's crazy? Stop telling her that if there were to be a meeting SM will be attending. There isn't going to be a meeting so no need to keep voicing who would and who would not attend. The BM has enough crazy floating around up in her head without DH tossing SM in BM's face as an co-parenting equal eligible to be part of any and all 'parenting' meetings.
Flat out statement 'BM there will be no meeting. Anything we feel as the parents of X as necessary to discuss can be addressed via other ways of communications. Please email any concerns you my have pertaining to our daughter to my usual email address'.
Why fight over who parents where and who all the 'parents' consist of? Stop feeding the crazy. The BM can think anything she pleases. Thinking it and reality are not necessarily the same thing. Reading some of your postings, this BM is way way way too involved in what goes on in your household....why in the world would you want to meet with her face to face? Nope. No meetings. End of it.
This is true I just see it
This is true I just see it damaging the kids and would like to nip her delusions in the bud. It is hard to tell what will do it faster FH ignoring her statements and not engaging in meetings or putting BM in her place. I am thinking for the sake of piece you are right.
My question was not the
My question was not the meeting at all... the meeting is not happening. It wont happen now and it wont happen in the future. Thanks to all the reassurance that I got I know that we are completely rational for standing our ground with that. I also will not be addressing BM I have disengaged. My question is do I encourage my FH to address BM's delusion of being a parent in our home?! I feel that she is somehow convincing herself she still has power over FH and some sort of connection with him to be somehow associating herself in our home. She is not a parent in our home she never will be... yes her and FH will make decisions about schools and daycares... religion so on and so forth. Which by the way FH usually asks for my input we talk about it he goes to BM with those opinions via an email. We generally have the same parenting views so this has not caused problems. He does not communicate with BM about consiquences for behavior in our home. He does not call her when he is having issues with SS or SD to try to figure out what he wants to do... She is not a parent in our home and never will be. She just has that one last thing she thinks she can be in control of. So is this something that will "feed the crazy" if FH addresses it or for the sanity of our family in our home he should be brutally honest about? To be honest I am sick of this woman inflicting her presence in my home especially when I am expecting. She has done nothing but try to be part of our home and our child and some how phase me out completely. She would love nothing more then to sit with FH and discuss how our child is going to be raised with her child... without my input. She is delusional and so for disengaging on FH part (as much as he cane) and my part has done nothing. She seems to be worse now that I have taken myself completely out of the picture.
Damn, this cow is annoying!!
Damn, this cow is annoying!! I recommend a few things:
1) Tell DH to be brutally honest and tell her ONE TIME to quit her shit.
2) Ignore her every single time she tries to spout off her deranged crap
This way - the delusional twit could put everything in writing and you could keep it all to haul her ass into court if you need to.
Only way we got Heifer BM in our situation to quit was to completely and totally ignore her unless it was relevant to the skids. She HATED this (think, Fatal Attraction - I will NOT be ignored).. and tried spewing her venom via phone calls - which got ignored, texts were deleted - she got nothing back, zip, zilch, nada. Naturally, this sent the stupid woman over the edge and her demands and emails became so damned ridiculous it was hilarious. Now, DH and BM are in the process of organising a court order to take care of the care arrangements for the skids - and she's not liking the outcome at all - particularly the bit where she's been told that she CANNOT book activities during DH's time with the kids - hell, I was so damned happy when I found out she cannot do that anymore.
Seems ignoring the bitches just completely sends them mental - and then their true colors come out.
Yes yes she is!!! See now I
Yes yes she is!!! See now I am going to start howling whenever I have to see her "I WILL NOT BE IGNORED" oh my goodness made my day.
BM did not loose it to badly when FH did this to be honest I don't think she has come to terms with it. Wait I take that back I think BM is getting a reality check now and so she is trying to portray control in every way possible!