Didn't go to grandson birthday party and FINALLY don't feel guility about it!!
Second oldest SD had a birthday party for her oldest son who turned 9 this weekend. I was not invited to his parties in the early years of his life and she has had a off-on-off-on relationship with her own Father over the years. She is now 32 and she has 2 boys, 9 and 1.5 and a 12-yr old stepdaughter. She is now pregnant again and is excited because she's having her own girl. I do not have much of a relationship with her and since she did not allow us to see her oldest son for the first 6 years of his life, I do not have much of a relationship with him either. I do have very good relationships with other grands as their parents have allowed me to be a part of their lives and they call me Grandma.
During my marriage I have ALWAYS tried to treat all of the grandkids the same, meaning even though I wasn't allowed to see some of the grands I made sure my husband attended their bday parties and sent a gift with him. I also made sure to get them X-mas gifts. However over the years it has been difficult because the mother wouldn't meet us to let us give the gifts etc. The oldest SD also has 3 children and recently she has made it difficult over the last few years for us to give the grands their gifts.
I recently came to the conclusion that we will never be a blended family EVER and that it is my skids fault not mine. I have also decided that I really don't want any of the skids in my life. While I immensily enjoy having some of the grandkids in my life I fear that some day when their parents get pissed at me for god knows what those grands will be kept from me and that would break my heart!
So when we got the email last week (the Monday of the week of the party), I told my husband I was not going but that he could go if he wanted to. He was originally not going to go (he had work to do around the house) but got it done earlier in the week so he decided to go. On Saturday I was so relieved that I didn't have to go to this party and see these nasty people. In the past I would be just so ridden with anxiety when I knew I would have to spend the day with them or see them. Saturday I just felt so great. I never once felt sad about the situation, nor did I feel lonely because they were all there together w/o me. I just felt so good during the day.
In years past when I wouldn't go to the same child's parties I would feel guility that I wasn't treating him fairly. Obviously it wasn't his fault for the crappy way his mom treated me so why should I take it out on him. But I realized recently and it was reinforced that day that the child doesn't have a relationship with me and it isn't my fault. I did what I could and have nothing to feel guilty about, but the lack of relationship is what it is and I have to accept that.
My husband told me this same SD told him she wants to get together for Thanksgiving the weekend before T-day because her son will be with his biological father for T-day week. I told my husband that he can go but I will not be. I'm sure my husband will try to guilt me into going (like he has in the past) but I think I will be able to just say no and not feel anymore guilt. They are his kids and he has every right to spend the day with them, but I don't have to, don't want to and that it is okay that I don't and I don't have to feel guilty that I don't want to be with them.
Sorry but I am just so amazed at how good I feel about this all. How I no longer have the guilt or anxiety about them anymore. It is just such a great place to finally be at. Sorry so long, but I just feel so good about my decisions right now I had to share. Thanks for listening 
Your present good feelings
Your present good feelings tells us and you that you're making the right decision. Stick to it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You've had enough guilt over this to last a lifetime now its time you were free.
Thank you, I agree Orange
Thank you, I agree Orange County CA!
Good for you! You'd think
Good for you! You'd think that sd would be a little more understanding as she's now a sm too. Maybe she hasn't been at it long enough yet. Oh well, that's on her. It's sad that the kids have to miss out but that, again, is on her.
True Anon2009. Apparently
True Anon2009. Apparently back two summers ago after she had become a stepmom she told my husband she had a new appreciation for all I had went through as a stepmom because of her own mother's treatment of me when I met her Dad. She has never said anything about this to me nor has she changed much in her treatment of me. I think the comparison she sees is we've both had to deal with nutty ex-wifes and their bad treatment of their kids. I don't know much about her relationship with her sd but if its good then she probably never thinks about how she treats me or our relationship as stepmother-stepdaughter only as to how we both had to deal with demanding, crazy ex-wifes.
I think she is very good at telling her Dad things that he wants to hear and she can spin it really well but she never makes the effort to tell me these nice things or to change our relationship so I think she's just jerking her Dad around myself. I don't tell him this when he's telling me what she said because I don't want to argue with him about it. He thinks she's great, I don't, end of story
Good for you!! I skipped 2
Good for you!! I skipped 2 significant bday parties this year and one I felt good about and one I didn't. I can relate to so much of what you said about it's the steps' fault that there is no relationship. I wanted it more than anything; they're not interested. Not my fault, not my problem and most importantly, it's not about me!
"Not my fault, not my problem
"Not my fault, not my problem and most importantly, it's not about me!" I so agree with this whatamess!! Glad to hear you know it too.
I went through something
I went through something similar. For years I had crappy "you're not the grandma" treatment sprinkled with occasional acceptance. Everyone was invited to grandson's b-day party (at SSs) but DH and me (due to SDIL not ss). MIL would hold these parallel birthday dinners that we could come to on a different date. During these dinners I rarely played with grandkids because DH and ss played with them the whole time (understandable). Instead, I ended up sitting by women in DHs family who seriously resented me while DH and ss played in the other room with the kids.
After I had disengaged, yet another stepgrandkid bday came up. I felt really guilty about the thought of not going to it. My sister talked sense into me when she pointed out that the grandkids likely would never really notice my absence. After all, had we noticed aunts and uncles (background ones particularly) at family gatherings when we were little? Weren't we focused on the relatives we were close to, especially the kids our age.
Still, it was a real struggle though as I felt my not going proved their condemnation that I wasn't "family oriented". Truth is, I'm not abuse oriented.
The whole thing was finally settled because I had a relative in from out of town (coincidence) at the time of my MILs party.
Surprisingly, instead of continuing to feel guilty during/after the party, I felt free! I had a great time with my relative and forgot about the events going on a few hours away.
That was the last real guilt trip I had. I realized I was truly free from being around my DHs family (the mean ones anyway). No more pits in my stomach. No more being chained to a group of witch hunters in the name of family. No more trying to prove my goodness with a group of people who apparently had no accountability themselves.
It's a great feeling, enjoy!! Life gets much better from here in my experience.
I hope you still will see step grands whose parents were not rude to you tough. Why let the mean one's influence your treatment of the skids who have been welcoming to you.
Thanks jennaspace! It really
Thanks jennaspace! It really is a great feeling and I'm glad that you found that place too.
Oh yes, I will still see my grands that I am close too. We all go to the same church so I get to see them every Sunday which has also cemented our relationship.
That's great, glad you still
That's great, glad you still see them