I am the same way. I work out all my troubles in my sleep. I've been married to dh for almost 18 years. Had my SD's every other weekend all summer for years. I've been there for them, mostly the older. When mom and she were feuding, I was the soft place. When mom refused to go to her wedding, I bought the dress and was there to be mom of the bride. Of course mom came back in the picture and I was not just cast aside, but shunned...there has been severe alienation for years. OSD just had baby number 2 and I've had zero contact. It has been so heartbreaking mourning what once was and what could have been. It's hard to answer questions my own young children ask about seeing them again. I finally said that we probably won't see her for a long time because she's very mad right now. Rather than be vague.

Also...I've been totally disengaged since march. Initially it hurt like hell. When she had her baby, it hurt like hell. I suspect Christmas, I will have twinges of residual guilt for not buying their love like I have in the past...but I'm to the point where I'm going to expend love and energy on people who love me back. Plain and simple. They have a mommy. It isn't me. Not my problem anymore!

Also...when she was pregnant with number one. Bm was not in her life at that time. I was to be in the labor and delivery with her, the whole nine. In a week, her mom was back in her life. That broke my heart. I just couldn't understand why she can't maintain a relationship with all of us. I still don't but I had to find peace with the fact I'm never going to know.

Also...when she was pregnant with number one. Bm was not in her life at that time. I was to be in the labor and delivery with her, the whole nine. In a week, her mom was back in her life. That broke my heart. I just couldn't understand why she can't maintain a relationship with all of us. I still don't but I had to find peace with the fact I'm never going to know. I know she's been brainwashed. I also know that in her head, she's had moments of total lucidity where she acknowledged her mom alienated her and that her dad and I have been rock solid for her. Those ties...I guess they bind. It is not within my realm of control to fix. I've tried for years. I typically threw money at it. I was so codependent on fixing them...man I wasted energy and lost sleep and in the end, mom is still number one. I've been on a strict diet of NO SD's. no Facebook stalking, no asking husband if he's heard from them, no reminding him of any milestones...it has helped. Her troubles are no longer my troubles, at least.

Ivegivenup - you are such a good soul! I work things out in my dreams too and go back to the times SD was so very close to my DH and I. It keeps me up many nights. I have three other children to raise in my home and they can all tell when SD is on my mind. I don't function well. I have a problem moving on too. That is why you see me here when really there are other things I should be doing. If you find a way to move on from this please share it with me because I am in the same boat. As far as sleeping I have been drinking sleepy time tea and It tends to put me to sleep better than when I don't have it.

It takes time for the ugliness to wear off, especially if is still on top of you. I had nightmares about SD after I banned her from my home. As time went on, they became less fequent. But you know, this is a symptom of PTSD, something I think many of the SMs on this site (including me) suffer from.

i love learning about dreams. they are so therapeutic. pay attention to them, they are trying to tell you something or else help you deal with something. over the past year, i've had a few dreams about water towers being burned up and destroyed, they were scary dreams. in one of them, the water tower was knocked down and burned, and a few people and myself were inside of it walking around, exploring it. i had a water tower dream the other night for the first time in a long time. it has taken me about a year to figure this out... the water towers represent my uterus. the towers being destroyed represent my miscarriages. me being inside of one and walking around represents me wanting answers that i'll never have.

it might take a while, but you'll figure it out.

IGiveUp
I always read your posts but rarely respond and its because your emotions hit too close to home for me. I feel what you are feeling and most days its just too much for me to go there.
I read a lot of the stories on here about stepmoms who have never loved their SD and have always just tolerated them or just been in their life as an extra adult but not really a parent.
That wasn't the case for me. From the first time I met her, I loved her because she was my husbands daughter and I just jumped in feet first to be there for her. Her mom was a wreck and abusive to the kids so it wasn't long before we had them full-time.
I have a daughter that is SD's age, but my daughter has been mentally and physically disabled since she was a baby so although she's still my baby girl at 18, she and I have never been able to have that typical mother-daughter relationship and go shopping, fix hair and make-up, talk about boys etc and we never will. She is about 5 years old mentally, functionally blind and confined to a wheelchair her whole life with limited verbal ability and social interaction and requires a lot of medical intervention. Please don't misunderstand me, I LOVE my daughter and I am NOT complaining, just explaining that when SD came along that I was thrilled that we would be able to have that mother-daughter relationship that I had always wanted to have with my own daughter but couldn't.
I poured so much time. love, and attention into her and we had some good years where I know she loved me too. I was her primary parent as my DH was deployed so much. having 5 boys in the home to contend with, we were the girl team.
That all changed over the past 3-4 years as she became a rebellious, disrespectful, manipulative, entitled liar who would do and say anything to get her way. She began purposefully trying to destroy our marriage and our home. Even though I loved the girl stuff and loved buying her things I have always been a strict mom with high standards for all of our kids. I expected responsibility, respect, good grades, hard work etc. and I didn't let her get away with the stuff she tried to pull. Anyway, long story shorter I moved out several times before DH grew a pair and stood up to her and now she is no longer a part of our lives though she is trying to worm her way back in right now. I have agreed to have her over for thanksgiving break so we will see how that goes, I guess my point is that when you have truly loved them and parented them for years and had that close relationship, its heartbreaking to see the destructive paths they choose. It feels like a death, only worse because there is never any real closure.