DH is so defensive over children I am losing hope that it will change. Please help
Hello everyone!
I just wanted to say that I am so grateful that I found this site. I need to vent as well. I have been really going through it with my SD and DH. I have disengaged a lot and that seems to have helped me get over my resentment with my SD but I am extremely resentful at my DH for his defensiveness and always blaming me for problems with his daughters.
He has two girls, one 16 (lives with us full time) and one 20 (has never lived with us). Both extremely dishonest, manipulative and self centered. They and have been caught lying to me (and him) and stealing (from me) on several occasions. Rather than be understanding and supportive of me when I am concerned when my belongings are missing he takes it out on me and gets angry saying that "I have nothing nice to say about his kids" and that "they would never do that" I never get angry and never use an accusatory tone, I actually only point it out to him when I find my things in her possession. I do not mention items missing that I have no proof for and for the most part only mention it to him when I find my things so he can see first hand that I am not making this stuff up. I have no reason to make up anything like this. I have my own business and my own life and would rather not have this added stress and drama.
He finally saw the light of day about the stealing at one point when the daughter was caught red handed with some of my things but he still goes into defense mode if I lock my room or lock my belongings up. I do not make a big deal of it, I just take precautions now to limit this sort of thing from happening because he is not enforcing any sort of consequences for her behavior. Her BM is MIA and mentally ill and out of the picture and his excuse is always "she has been through a lot".
He also is now seeing that the 16 year old that lives with us is lying to him, using drugs, drinking, etc. Getting bad grades and he lets her stay home from school whenever she wants now. I am starting to see that he is not the kind of parent that I would ever want to be because I am sure that this girl who I have grown to care for will not have any way to take care of herself when she becomes an adult.
I was trying to help him parent her for awhile and we went to family therapy together and even the therapist told him that he needed to start setting boundaries and consequences for his kids behavior and he would agree in therapy and then just throw that all out the window two days later. I stopped going to therapy with them because I was sick of wasting my time because he never heeded the therapists advice.
I am at my wits end here. Like many have said on this forum, their DHs are great guys and then totally out of it when it comes to denial and blaming others around his kids behavior. It seems like excuses are the norm and that this is how he wants to raise them so I have had to really let go over the past year or so and just let him do his thing.
This has helped but it still feels a bit lonesome and depressing that it has come to this. I am on the fence right now if I should leave.
The latest thing is that his oldest daughter (20 years old) is now pregnant and although she lives with her boyfriend in another state I can see that she is already looking to Daddy to take care of her and offer her financial support. She has already aksed if she can come live with us for awhile with her BF. We do not have room for this at all but he is stating that "he will do anything for her and will support her." Her BF is out of work and not ready to be a dad. DH is totally in denial about this as usual. A little history on her is that she lied to us for about a year and told us that she was in school and therefore DH was sending her money. He found out about the lying and that she wasn't in school and he still makes excuses for her and basically kisses her a**. He is so defensive about her dishonest behavior that it is often making him look less and less attractive to me. She planned the pregnancy and even told me before she was pregnant that she did not want to work and did not want to go to school and that she did not understand why no one would give her money and that if she had kids maybe her family would support her. I think the preganancy was her solution for getting Daddy to foot her bills for her and she is just lazy and does not want to work or go to school or do anything that will help her learn how to be a responsible adult.
I am very afraid for the future of my home and my realtionship with my SD as well as my DH. I am afraid my SD (the one living with us full time that I have helped raise) will see all this excitement and coddling going on with her pregnant sister and think it would be a good idea for her to have a baby young also. She is already sort of talking this way and I am really sad about this as well as scared that I will have to be dealing with the oldest daughter now more closely as she will need more and more help now that she is becoming a young mother.
I know I may sound selfish because it is late and I am tired (I am losing sleep over this) so I may not be articulating the whole situation very clearly but the bottom line is I have tried very hard to do the right thing for many years and I have never been dishonest or spiteful. These girls are like nothing I have ever seen when it comes to trying to extract money from family, lying, cheating stealing and the like. This is not how I was brought up and I guess I am naive but I did not even know that this behavior ever existed. I am more angry at my DH than anyone else at this point. He is really turning me off.
I can't believe that this is as hard as it is and I have never known that there are people this dishonest and manipulative.
I am at a loss here but I must say it was comforting to read everyones comments because I can relate to each and every one of them.
Thanks for listening, I hope I made some sense in my ramble.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am so
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am so grateful to you for your reply and for sharing your story. I feel like finally there is somewhere for me to turn to with this website. I am going to heed your advice immediately.
Fantastic advice!!!
Fantastic advice!!!
!!LIKE!! This is great
!!LIKE!! This is great advice.
Stepaside, I know this is not
Stepaside, I know this is not my post but I love your advice and will be running with it from tomorrow. Thanks.
you said it!
you said it!
I can tell you one thing for
I can tell you one thing for sure. Nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do is going to change his behavior towards his kids. In time, a long time, he may, just may, come around on his own when he gets fed up with how they are acting. IF this happens it will be years, quite likely decades, so the question you must ask is are you willing to watch all of this happen?
If you wish to stay I could completely separate your finances, including ownership of anything with a title, cars, house, bank accounts as well as retirement monies from him so that you can keep him from spending money on them you consider as 'yours'.
The problem with that is it skews the relationship with him having little or no funds having spent it on them while you have some sort of financial independence. I.e. who pays for vacations? If you do it in effect subsidizes him. Do you go alone?
As for the stealing you have no choice but to lock up your valuables and ignore his comments on the subject. Don't argue or even contribute to a discussion on his kids, just completely disengage from the situation.
You're losing respect for him and rightfully so but then again you're not going to have kids with him so can you live with him otherwise?
One solution is to tell him you can't stand to live with his kids any longer and move out without divorcing. File for a "Legal Separation" which divorces your finances but not the marriage. Tell him when he's alone and plans to stay that way, i.e. NO children, then you'll consider moving back. Meanwhile he's free to 'raise' his kids as he sees fit and you don't have to watch the train wreck.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. I have already started separating finances and belongings long ago. And yes, I did have to pay for vacations for awhile but this year he started making more money and now he is paying a fair share of anything extra like this as well as the bills. However, his work is seasonal and I am concerned now that he will not be able to put anything away for retirement or SD16s college if she chooses to go.
I think he is hiding from me how much money he is really sending the pregnant SD20. I don't ask and I don't care because it's not my money but I do care in the sense that it seems like he will never see the light of day and put his foot down to her manipulations and lies. Thank you again for your support.
I had a similar situation as
I had a similar situation as you with my steps when ss20 lived with us a couple years ago. DH was extremely defensive of his spawn but in the meanwhile they, especially ss20 (18 back then and senior in hs) was stealing from both Dh and me. We locked our room and fridge pantry etc. but everything got broken into multiple times. It was a night mare for me and every time I voiced my feelings DH would defend the brats.
My one suggestion would be (and I cringe to make this statement) to let DH know that it's either sd or you and if he wants her to move in then you move out, and like OC said, separate legally. My ss20 is homeless and jobless and dh wants him to come over and stay in our shed and I KNOW from past experience that he will worm his way on to my couch and then all the crap will start happening again, stealing, lying, binge eating, peeing on my plants yard, out windows etc, eating all my food, and I could go on. In your case it's not only sd it'll be bf and then baby. My brother let his daughter and her bf and 2 yr old and now new baby move back in and they've been living with him for a year and my brother's gf moved out and he wonders why? I told him why and he said woman are too emotional and warped out of shape over family supporting each other. I told my brother well if your daughter living in your house is what you want then yay for you, but she ain't gonna keep you warm for the rest of your life and when you are old and alone don't come cryin on my shoulder. lol
I said no no and no to my ss20 moving back in, and since dh is financially dependant on me he has to live with this. I have made it clear he can move out with ss16 and rent a place for him and his two boys and when they're all raised and ready to move on he is welcome back. He luckily for him has so far not allowed ss20 to rule his life.
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps me to know that people can relate to what I am going through. My zest for life has slowly been zapped from all this stuff.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!! It helps
THANK YOU EVERYONE!! It helps so much to know I am not alone. I stayed up all night fretting because last night when I was speaking to him about his daughters pregnancy (I only mentioned to him that I was "worried") and he then blew up at me and said "What are YOU worried about? That she is going to move back here and ruin YOUR life???" and then he walked out of the room. So it is very unclear now if that is really what is happening and it's pretty obvious that he can't discuss it without blowing up.
The thing I should mention is that we live in a house that we rent and he moved in with me with his SD16 4 years ago. So the thing is that I would be essentially the bad guy and kicking them out. The rental market is terrible where we live and I would not want to move nor do I have the money to do so at the moment so I would most likely be asking him to leave with his kid and then getting a roommate. I would also be the bad guy for not letting the SD20 move in. I already made that part clear so now she is just coming for a "visit"...I guess I am speculating because it has not happened yet but I feel like if I do not have clear boundaries laid out before her "visit" that she will try to stay and I will be put on the spot in front of her and I will be the scapegoat once again.
I guess the hard part for me is that I do love this guy and I feel sad once and awhile watching him get hosed by his kids, but he is really bringing it on himself. His behavior is not ALWAYS terrible around it but I never know what I am going to get, he goes back and forth from seeing the light and being supportive to being defensive and parenting out of guilt.
The other thing I should mention is that I have grown to care for the one that I have been raising. I do not have kids of my own and although she has done some bad things, I am the only good female role model she has and we do have some sort of a loving relationship when she is not acting out. I do not want to abandon her like her mom did because that really traumatized her and I am trying to teach her that there are good women in the world that will have her back if she can act with integrity and be a good person. So I am trying to find a way to balance things out for the next two years until she is done with high school at which time I will not feel so bad if I decide to move on.
So that said, I guess that those are the main reasons why I do not want to move myself or ask them to leave. Also, when there is no drama with the kids we still have fun and common interests.
Thanks again everyone
thank you so much for your
thank you so much for your reply. i think i am looking out for myself sometimes but then i think if i was really looking out for myself i may not be in this situation. i can really relate to the trust being broken that you spoke of because of this stuff.
i also do not know if i may be having regrets about not having my own kids now that this older one is having one of her own. if i am honest with myself this may be part of the problem as well. but now that i have had this situation it has also turned me off from kids as well so i am just so confused at this point.
I am hoping that being in this forum will help me somewhat. Thanks again for your comment.
I just can't tell anymore
I just can't tell anymore what I really should do. I don't want to wait for it to be so terrible but I do have my bottom lines of what I will and will not do and I am NOT living with a 20 yr old girl I don't trust and her baby. That much I do know. But my attitude about it may be what breaks up me and my DH. It is just such a bummer to have so much mostly unspoken resentment about all this n the house. But there is no use talking about it, it goes nowhere.
I can deal with kids acting out pretty calmly but I am not happy about the fact that I am the one that gets the rude comments or the anger directed at. It's like this guy really thinks I am doing something to upset this situation even though he and his kids are the ones that have all the drama and baggage.
Is this common for the Biological parent to be irrationally angry with the SP when the kid is the one acting out? And then the kids get no consequence or talking to at all?
Has anyone else witnessed this sort of behavior? It is almost jaw dropping to me....sometimes I feel like I am crazy because this behavior is so bizarre to me that I question my own sanity witnessing it.
I know that I am NOT crazy though because there are others who have told me that I am not and even his therapist was trying to talk some sense into him. At one point I stopped voicing my opinions in and out of therapy all together because the therapist was telling him the same thing on her own without any prompting from me and then when the kids would act up and I would just gently mention what the therapist suggested he would also get mad at me even if I was not the one saying it.
Thanks again for letting me get all this stuff out.
this is so encouraging. i
this is so encouraging. i think i am going to save this post on my desk top so every time something goes on i can read it and it will help me stay strong.
"The fact he even challenges you on this shows he has more invested in preventing his badly behaved daughter being made to feel uncomfortable by being called to account on her behaviour, than understanding and respecting and even wanting his wife to feel comfortable."
I think these words say it all. It is heartbreaking but I think very true and the way that you laid it out is very hard to swallow because it is the truth. It has been a slow decline into this state and I feel like if it would have started out this way I would have been strong enough to see it but now that it has been several years it is like it slowly made it's way into being the norm.
I unfortunately already told him the sd20 could come stay for two weeks only. At first he said she was coming for one month and then I said two weeks max for Thanksgiving. But i have a feeling that he didn't have the balls to tell her that and that she could probably only get away from her job for that long or something of that nature.
I appreciate the reminder about this: I also have already been planning on telling him to move out with the SD20 if it comes down to it and they can all live together. I just have to make sure to rehearse how I am going to say this because these topics always seem to come up out of the blue and catch me off guard and then I am speechless.
So for now I will just mind my own business and not talk to him about anything until he goes to buy her the ticket for the Thanksgiving trip. At which time we will see if he tries to make it for two of them instead of one or if he is going to try to make it longer than two weeks.
I am so relieved to get this off my chest. I can' believe how many people are on this forum. It is amazing.
Of course, the easiest thing
Of course, the easiest thing to do would be to ask DH to leave now, but if you still have enough feelings left for your husband to try to make it work, maybe he would agree to helping SD20 without having her move in? You could suggest that he give her a 'small stipend' if and only if, she and her bf get jobs and show your DH their pay stubs monthly (or weekly?) Also, offer to help DH gather info on food stamps, programs to help SD with day care so she can pursue training for a better job, housing assistance, etc. If SD and bf show some effort at becoming independent, DH could pitch in financially while they get on their feet. Probably best to have some sort of written agreement/contract so they know what to expect. Tell DH you can live with that if he promises to stick to it. Any talk of having them move in while jobless is a dealbreaker.
As far as SD16, my first thought was for you to steal some stuff of hers and see how she likes it. Take it to work so she can't find it. But, that's just evil and probably would just cause things to escalate. If you want to try to put her back on the right path, could you introduce her to some experiences that might motivate her in school and dissuade her from imitating older sister's pregnancy ploy? Visit some colleges on football weekends, enjoy a visit to a city (even your own overnight in a hotel can be fun). Do she have any career aspirations at all? Maybe you could arrange some job shadowing. Something to show her what her life can be like if she changes her ways. Could DH's therapist help you with ideas? I'm thinking just the two of you so DH doesn't derail things, but that's your call. Also, if you know anyone with a young baby, offer to help babysit for a weekend and make SD16 stay home all weekend to help you. The pregnancy idea won't seem so attractive then. Even if DH insists on having SD20 come live with him (in another home) you could offer to let SD16 continue to live with you until she is out of high school. If she spends a few nights at dad's new place with the commotion of a new baby, she would probably welcome the chance to come back to you.
Good luck. Hope this helps.
To clarify, I wasn't
To clarify, I wasn't suggesting that you consider having SD20 and bf move in even if they have jobs. Second, when I said "I'm thinking just the two of you" I meant you and SD16 doing these activities together without DH. It seemed confusing when I reread it.
totally understood; thank
totally understood; thank you!
Don't forget the moving out
Don't forget the moving out part of my advise. That will tell him how serious this is.
Thank you again.
Thank you again.
"The reason your dh accuses
"The reason your dh accuses you of not liking or caring about his dd and gets defensive if you say anything is to keep you on the defense. It is also a manipulative technique to get you to do the opposite of what you think of them. In his way of thinking if he can get you to be defensive of his accusations then one way for you, to prove to him that what he is saying about your treatment of his dds is not true, is for you to try to prove to him that you do like them. That means you start to treat them like they are made out of gold."
Oh my god, THIS IS SO TRUE. I am getting so much good feedback on this forum. Thank you so much. I could not have articulated this as well as you did. I have a woman in my life that is a sort of "spiritual advisor" and she works at a domestic violence shelter and she said he is trying to control me with his anger. Basically by being angry he gets people to act the way HE wants them to and he doesn't have to face it. And he will bait me for sure. Like tonight he suggested that we go on a family outing with his daughter and her friend in my car tomorrow. He knows that everytime the SD is in my car she takes something. I have my own internal boundary that is that I will NEVER get in a car with the two of them together after some very unnerving situations. I guess he does not see that I have not been in a car with them together for the past 6 months. Anyhow, I just politely told them that I would meet them at the outing because I have errands to run first. But he knows that I don't want her in my car and after reading your comment it is dawning on me that he is trying to bait me. Because of you I NOT FALLING FOR IT!!!
Thank you!!
Your DH's 'method' of control
Your DH's 'method' of control is emotional abuse. My DH used to do this too. If said anything to upset the world as it should be according to DH and SD, or he 'percieved' so, he would pull a tamtrum and threaten to leave. You need to call his bluff. It is scary at first but think: if you don't take action this situation will escalate and you will be a doormat for decades like I was. A marraige like that is not worth the effort.
He accuses you of not liking his kids. Well, do you? One of the most liberating points in my marraige was when I finally told DH, "You can leave if you want. SD doesn't like me and I don't like her." It was a heck of a lot easier to live with the truth than to continue to cater to an obnoxiuos SD and volitile DH. No more faking 'nice' to save the marriage. If it meant sacrificing the marriage to save myself and my dignity it was worth it.
After being accused of not liking SD and making her uncomfortable in my house (which I owned prior to marriage) I asked him what I SPECIFICALLY did to make SD uncomfortable in my home? He could not come up with one instance. I then told him she makes me uncomfortable in my home and I have witnesses.
It sound like your DH is benefitting from his marriage with you. If he had to pay rent plus expenses for himself and SDs, SILs and babies elsewhere it might be a financial and emotional hardship for him. He needs to be reminded that YOU are paying for part of the rent, helping him raise his daughter. Give him the option of shaping up and acting like a husband or moving out. I can guarantee his comforts will come before you OR SDs.
Why is everyone on here so
Why is everyone on here so smart?
thank you all for the last three comments. All great stuff.
I did heed most of this advice however he pushed the issue again this morning about the outing before I read this and he tried to change the outing from today to tomorrow so that my errands did not interfere. I actually think that he just does not want to deal with hanging out with his daughter and her friend by himself but he wants to look like the good guys by taking them out. He cannot admit it but he would rather I come so that he doesn't need to deal with them alone I am sure. So yes, the last comment about him putting his own comfort before that of mine or his daughters is also true.
that said, this morning, he asked me again in a good spirited way if we could hop in the motorhome and go for a family outing. instead of feigning errands this time i was straight up with him and told him that the last time his SD and her friend (who was also invited) were in my motorhome they stole and/or ruined some of my things. He already knew this and he does not want to address it or deal with it. I then reminded him that they did that in my daily driver as well.
He of course started blaming it on the friend and then told me that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and tried to disengage completely.
I then reminded him that since he allows them to smoke cigarettes, that I did not want to be around that all day long. (I struggled with that nasty habit for years and do not want to put myself in that situation)
He then holed himself up in his room saying he was "depressed" that he couldn't take his daughter out for the day and that he wants to spend more time with her. I said something to the effect "that's a great idea, you should really do that, but it is actually not going to work for me to hang out with you two this weekend because I really have made a commitment to take care of myself more lately. I am going to the gym. I hope you understand."
He got pretty agitated and just shut off from me and it was not the most pleasant of engagements but he did not throw a complete tantrum and said for once that he understood. The point is the truth is the truth. This girl is not welcome in my cars anymore and I am not going to bend on that like he does everytime he sets a boundary and then caves in. I know this was a bit risky to bring this up on a sunny Saturday morning, but I am sick of pussy footing around the issue. Maybe if he sees that I am starting to really put my foot down he will start respecting my boundaries by not even bringing this stuff up with me anymore.
I usually make up an excuse if i don't want to be around them together and i understand that this is the easier softer way, and better for my own sanity, but today i just felt strong enough to lay it on the table again and not being afraid of his reaction.
I mean, in some ways it is always easier to just lay low and do my own thing but then on the other hand I feel like I am getting to a good healthy point where I am not going to play into the BS anymore and I am going to calmly call it like I see it from time to time so he can see that not everyone is afraid of sticking by their word and being a consistent parent. She never did admit or apologize for anything she has ever taken from me and although he knows for a fact that she was doing it, he never made her come clean. Until that happens I have nothing left to give her. He is really harming her more than he is helping her because by not teaching her to be accountable people are not going to want her around for long.
I definitely blame him for coddling her and although she definitely is a bummer he is more of the reason the problems exist. I think I will just have to take it one day at a time and really just keep practicing the disengagement like everyone says and see if it gets better. If it does not I may have to make some decisions. Thanks again everyone.
Glad to hear you are telling
Glad to hear you are telling it like it is - no more excuses for not wanting to be around the SDs and the abuse. It might be a bit stressful at first, DH might pout or argue, but if you stand firm it actually gets easier. You do not owe it to anyone to allow them to steal from you.
HI all, thanks for the most
HI all, thanks for the most recent comments. Sorry I had logged off momentarily. Things have gotten very crazy at work and now at home again as well.
Update is that the SD20 is now coming for 10 days over Thanksgiving instead of trying to be here for longer. However, this is not good because hubby and I are fighting like crazy because he has now resorted to refusing to parent the younger one. She stole something else from me over the weekend and when he confronted her with it she went off on him and tried to pit him against me and said that none of it was true and blah blah blah.
So after a week, yes a full week, of dirty dishes (his and hers) in the sink this morning I asked him when they were going to clean that up and he turned it into something about me and his daughters relationship and said that he didn't want to be in the middle of it anymore because it was her turn to do the dishes and he wasn't going to ask her to do them again. He started yelling at me and telling me he cant be around me anymore and that my realtionship with his daughter is never going to work and that he is sick of it all. And if you did not catch this the first time, I will say this part again. These were his and her dirty dishes. NOTHING to do with mine as I clean mine as I go. They have a special arrangement that they trade off doing each others dishes and yet I just do my own. This is the only chore that this girl has and she cant even do it before she takes off for the weekend with her friend for four days and then he has the nerve to yell at me when I ask him what is going on because there is not even one clean coffee cup. And then he started yelling at me for "accusing" his kid of taking my stuff even though he has been there first hand when I have found my things in her room.
I am titally blindsided by this. Do I just kick them out now? This is the house that I rented and they moved in with me. We live in an area with high rents and not much out there to move into and I honestly cannot afford to move myself but I am afraid they will not be able to find a place quickly. I am sad that it has come to this but I really cannot handle the man's inability to parent his kids and take everything out on me. I do not ask a lot, just clean up after yourself and don't mess with my stuff. I am so angry right now. And the other daughter is coming here next week. Like I really want to be around this mess of a bunch. The problem is definitely him and not them although they suck also. The other problem is that my income just got drastically altered this year and I cannot afford this rent on my own at the time. Roomates can be an option but this is all just more than I can fathom right now.
Sorry, so angry just needed to vent and I know I am probably not making much sense. Why does it seem like these Disney dads are high on drugs when it comes to their kids. It is the most insane and unreasonable behavior I have ever witnessed in my life.
I have to also say that my
I have to also say that my post is now moving into an issue about the teenage one and not the adult one. And also I am not sure if I should just repost it as a new forum. I am still really new here. I realize now that I need to check in more often because things were going okay for awhile and then BAM I was blindsided and now I wish I had stayed connected here while things were good as well. Thanks everyone.
^^^^THIS!!!^^^^
^^^^THIS!!!^^^^
This one is pretty simple.
This one is pretty simple. The next time either SD steals from you walk up to your DH, get in his face, tell him to deal with his thief spawn or you will, then you pull out your cell phone, put it on speaker and dial 911 then you look him in the eye and ask if he is getting off of his lazy ass and dealing with this or do you push send. Then wait an internal 3 count and hit send if he has not moved.
Once you hit send let the cops drag SS 1, 2 or both off in hand cuffs and tell DH that he can deal with it at the Jail or in court because you are filing charges at each occurance.
Either way, end of problem.
Thank you again for the
Thank you again for the comments. Wicked, I needed to hear that again. I need to be reminded to disengage at every turn. I have done this in the past and it has worked well but sometimes I get caught up again because I get fed up or angry or there is an incident that throws me off (like something missing that I need or no clean coffee cups to be had anywhere) and then I am not able to keep my mouth shut. You are right, this guys is controlling me with his anger and manipulating the situation each time so he does not have to look at his.
The other day he told me that it would be better if I came back to family therapy. "Family" meaning it is SD15 therapist and we tag on in the sessions. It is all about her feelings and helping her. I went for awhile and then stopped going because DH did not heed the therapists advice and give the girl consequences when she acted up. The therapist would lecture him on parenting and he would agree to certain things and then two days later it would all be thrown out the window. After I brought this up at one point when I was still going, he told me that he didn't want mine or the therapists input in raising his kid. Which suits me fine actually now. (he now denies saying this) That was six months ago. So now he brings up that I should come back to therapy if I cared and if I want things to get better in the family and makes it about me not wanting to go. I told him I stopped going because he said he didn't want help raising his kid and he didn't heed the therapists advise and he argued with me and said that wasn't true and that I stopped going because I don't want to go and I don't care.
So now, I am concerned that I am being unwilling to work on things and the difficult one although the therapy with the SD15 is all about drama and I really don't need any moire stress. This seems like it will just bring on more stress but I have to say I am definitely more the "outsider" now that I stopped going. So I do not know which is worse, both going and not going are having their drawbacks. He is not willing to go to his own therapy or couples therapy which I think would be more helpful in the situation at the time. If I go to the therapy with his kid I definitely cannot disengage as much because the therapist will ask me to speak also. Need help with this one.
Rags, I appreciate the comment also. I wish it was as easy as calling the cops but the items have been minor at this point and I am trying to have less stress and drama in my life due to also having a lot of outside stressors that are stemming from work and not these two. So I do not think I can handle the ensuing after match of the after the cop called drama. Plus my experience with the cops is that they will not do anything unless it is money or a high ticket item. Right now it is only petty stuff that is very inconvenient but not valuable.
That may be down the line but not quite yet.
Thanks again guys.
Thanks wicked! You are
Thanks wicked! You are awesome. I am very confused right now. All this drama and inconsistency is very confusing for sure. I am going to heed your advice and not tell him about my therapy. I just need to find someone good as the last one I went to was a little out of my price range at the moment.
He is trying to make SD therapy sound like it is family therapy which is not what is was originally intended to be. And this therapist they have been seeing is new so I would be walking in on something that I am the outsider and of course this therapist has no idea of what is really going on.
Thanks again I am going to research getting in somewhere now.
Thanks again everyone. I have
Thanks again everyone. I have written a new post in the teenage section because now I am having more problems with that one than the "adult". I appreciate you all so much. I am waiting on a call back from a therapist as well.
OKay please wish me luck
OKay please wish me luck everyone, the SD20 will be here in two days! She is only staying for 10 days though and without Boyfriend thank god.
OKay I spoke too soon. Now
OKay I spoke too soon. Now that the SD20 will be here in two days things are really ramping up around here. My DH is now saying it is his responsibility to take care of his granddaughter. Yes, we found out it is a girl. This is now bringing up a lot of weird feelings for me now because I never had children of my own and this is not something that I am still young enough to do (and I do not think I would want to do it with this man now that I have seen what sort of parent he is). I am definitely feeling more and more of an outsider now that he is going to experience being a grandfather and have that family bond with yet another baby and also share all this with his kids. Very icky feeling. I am not sure what this is bringing up for me, but I don't like it and I feel like a bad person because I cannot get excited for this baby because her soon to be mom is so horrible. I guess I am just starting to really feel like this is not my family.
Hi Catmom, I know!!! I am
Hi Catmom,
I know!!! I am really shocked that he said this also. In the beginning when I first posted here he was not too enthused about the whole idea. And now things have changed and he is trying to play this hero role in his daughters eyes I think. He has been kissing her a** for weeks now. This is getting to be too gross for me to handle, but she will be here in about twelve hours so wish me luck!