Ask Amy: Mom should back off, let stepdad step up

By Amy Dickinson, Published: October 15 | Updated: Wednesday, October 16, 12:01 AM

DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for 12 years. I have three grown children from a previous marriage, and he has none.

He has always been somewhat jealous of my kids and cannot understand why I talk to my daughter almost every day. She lives six hours away, and we have a very close relationship.

My boys live nearby, and when I want to have them over for dinner, my husband always acts angry and makes comments about them.

My latest dilemma is that my daughter and her husband are coming home for Thanksgiving and bringing their dog. The dog is very friendly and house-trained. My husband told me absolutely no dog. We have two dogs and a good-size home and yard. I feel he is being extremely difficult and putting me in a bad spot with my daughter.

This is another situation of feeling I have to choose between his wants and my kids’ wants. Some days I feel my life would be so much nicer if I were not married and could just have my kids around occasionally without the tension. What are your thoughts? -- In the Middle

DEAR MIDDLE: If your husband had more of a stake in these relationships, he wouldn’t feel so threatened by them. It sounds as if you’ve been the go-between for 12 years. You need to back off — just far enough so that all of your loved ones take more responsibility for their own feelings and opinions and bear actual consequences for their actions. And he needs to stop being such a baby.

Try this: Your daughter wants to bring her dog to your house. Your husband doesn’t want that. The next time you are talking to her on the phone, you can say, “Chrissy, Bob has expressed concerns about you bringing the dog. Here — let me put him on so he can explain it.” If your husband maintains his “no dog” stance with your daughter, then he’s not putting you in a bad spot with her — he’s putting himself there (and frankly, you should consider backing him up on this).

You shouldn’t have to choose “between his wants and the kids’ wants.” And he should definitely step up, try harder and be more respectful.

Comments:

LW1: He can only be more invested in the relationships if he values them, Amy. This is basically counting on the husband to be too cowardly to say what he really feels, which is not the way you achieve marital harmony.

Anyway, I think the nature of the husband's complaints matter tremendously. If he's just saying "No dog," he owes an explanation. However, if the LW uses "friendly" to cover for a dog that humps everyone's leg or plays roughly with their senior dogs, she needs to stop insisting on whatever her kids want and see if some accommodation can be worked out. Similarly, are his angry comments about the sons more like "I don't want convicted felons in my house," "I wish you'd give me some say in the timing; I'd really like to relax on weekday evenings," or "I didn't have kids--I shouldn't have to spend any time with yours"? Completely different levels of reasonableness, all with different adjustments that can be made.

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LW1, You & your husband should issue your invitations together, agreeing in advance on the details. Then you won't have these problems. According to your letter, you first make plans alone ("my daughter and her husband are coming home for Thanksgiving and bringing their dog") and then present him with the plan. No wonder they don't get along. If you want to REALLY ensure bad feelings, try telling your daughter "the dog's okay with me, but let me put my evil husband on the phone so you'll know exactly who's ruining our Thanksgiving." Could Amy's advice get any worse? (No.) I'm not pro- or anti-dog here, just saying you need to listen to hubby's thoughts and stop making plans without him.

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I'm imaging a letter from the daughter's husband.

"My wife's mother calls just about every day. We barely get through the door from working all day and she calls. Or she calls while we're eating dinner or when we're sitting on the couch together watching a favorite program. The calls typically last for over an hour. From hearing just my wife's side of the conversation, it sounds like my MIL is simply venting about her husband, my wife's step-dad. I've told my wife that her mother's constant communication is becoming annoying and disruptive to our marriage but she refuses to let the phone go to voice mail. I'm thinking that maybe I should just use the time she spends on calls with her mother and play Words With Friends on my cell with my ex-GF. What do you think?"

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I've been married 3 times and have 2 sons from my first husband. Both the second and third husbands have been jealous of my children and I've wondered if it's some primitive territorial man thing. I don't understand it. When my son's are visiting we do have more energized conversations with everyone jumping in except my husband. I figure he feels out of it whether it's because he thinks he should be specifically invited into the conversations or is jealous of my attention to my boys. First I think the LW should ask her husband to discuss his thinking behind the no dog issue. There may be some good reason. If he's just doing his alpha thing then I agree with Amy, he should be the one to deal with the couple and their dog. It may sound manipulative but the wife shouldn't have to support his drama and he needs to deal with the consequences of his misplaced needs.

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In my adolescence, my mom was married to a man like LW1's husband. It was he** for everyone. He was very, very, very jealous of me - his stepkid. He and my mom had a bucket full of problems as it was, but this added fuel to the fire. I cannot explain to you how miserable I was. I hated him, I felt guilty that I was a cause of strife in my mom's marriage, and it got so bad I wondered if I could admit myself to a foster family or just go live in a ditch before I turned 18. Seriously.

Don't ever get in a situation where you have to choose between your kids or your husband/marriage/spouse/wife. I can't tell if the kids were ever living with them in those 12 years, but figure out your priorities LW1.