SMs and who is considered family
I'm writing this as both a sd and sm.
Do my SDs consider me family? I don't know. All I want is polite treatment.
Do I consider my stepmother family? Nope, and I probably never will.
What I would say to adult sks: Not considering a sm family, though, is not a green light to treat her like crap. Nobody deserves to feel excluded, marginalized, or be treated like crap. Treat her with inclusion. Sending her birthday/sympathy cards doesn't mean you feel she's family. It means you care enough about your dad to make his life peaceful. Talking to her for a few minutes when you call your dad doesn't mean you view her as family. It means you want to make your dad's life peaceful.
A sm won't take kindness from an adult SK as a sign of "I love you as family." We will take it as a sign of, "let's focus on the person we both love-Dad-and make his life peaceful."
To sms: your sks may not ever view you as family. Accept that. You do not have to go out of your way to do anything for them. You don't have to tolerate shitty behavior from them-ever. You can tell them to take a hike if they're treating you like crap in your home and can leave if they are doing so elsewhere.
Someone wrote about their sks not considering them family. I do not think anyone should have to pretend to be family-sm or SK. The sooner everyone stops pretending, the better. But not considering someone family isn't a pass to treat them like crap.
<> That's exactly how I feel
<>
That's exactly how I feel about my dh's 3 grown sons...I did not give birth to them nor did I raise them...and the fact that they've all done drugs and have been a big time thorn in my side since I met dh doesn't make me want to be around them either. However, dh was a single father, so they are dysfunctionally attached to him. Makes me want to vomit. I want to scream...GET YOUR OWN LIVES like MY daughters!
That's how my dh and I handle our lives. He goes to visit HIS sons without me and I go visit MY daughters without him. As a matter of fact, I'm spending Thanksgiving with my family in another state and he's not going with me stating, "If I'm not here, my sons have nowhere to go." (Sons are 31, 30 and 20.) See what I mean?? REALLY...get your own lives!!!!
I get what you are saying,
I get what you are saying, however some of us sm's were adopted in as family. My SD considered me Mom and called me Mom and she considered my family as her family too. So I think it all depends on each circumstance. Now we are estranged from one another for a totally long story but yes I was her main mom. I did the work to earn it too. It was either step up or let the little girl continue to cry as to why her real mother didn't want her. So with her yes I was family.
With my oldest SD I was and still am considered family to her even though she never considered me a mom so much but a caregiver and when she talks of having a family someday she tells me things like "get ready, your going to be a grandma one of these days" yes she calls me the grandma of her future children.
Anyways I do get what your saying I just think some circumstances are different depending on the family and how young they were when you became a step mom to them and most importantly how long you have been one. I have been one for 12 years, even BM has told me I earn my right to have a say in things.
My SD said she wanted me to
My SD said she wanted me to be a grandma too for years before she had her child. Once he was here it was a different story. The only person she's worried about having in his life is her BM. They can turn on you on a dime.
Yeah I know, going through
Yeah I know, going through that with other SD19 now. She was my little girl and I was her main mom growing up then she turned to drugs and now the BM she always hated is her best friend and SD19 is having a baby in January and she doesn't speak to DH or I anymore because we didn't agree with her life style. I have never got the chance to even see her in person pregnant. She completely is out of our lives, for the better but it hurts knowing there is now a baby involved. So incredibly thankful that I have my own two daughters and hope one day later in life, I get to be a grandma and not have to share at all with BM or any other woman!!!
I've disengaged from most of
I've disengaged from most of SD's care and don't get involved in correcting her behaviour for the most part. When she's bratty I don't feel it's a failure on my part to parent...so it's annoying but easier to shrug off than when my own son is bratty. When he acts like a turd I feel responsible and know I need to make the effort to correct his behaviour.
So yeah...she's sort of family but its a bit different than I feel about my own child.
I agree, but we don't even
I agree, but we don't even view our own SMs as family. And it seems like we all have some blood relatives we don't even care for.
Yeah, that is what I think.
Yeah, that is what I think.
<> I wish MY 4 daughters had
<>
I wish MY 4 daughters had your mentality. They don't like my dh, so I play second fiddle to their father and his wife who they DO consider family. When they come to town, they'd always stay at THEIR house until I put my foot down and told them they either needed to play fair and spend 1/2 time at my house (including spending the night) or they basically wouldn't see much of me while they were home. They got the message loud and clear and things have gotten better, but dh has 3 degenerate sons, so our families are pretty much unblendable. It's SO hard. I wish my daughters would accept my dh for who and what he is (he's not perfect, but who IS?). I basically told them it was MY choice to marry him which makes him family, but they aren't getting it.
one of my skids told me i was
one of my skids told me i was not a part of the family.
I have been married to my DH
I have been married to my DH now for 10 years...and still or even worse my skids hate me! Well 3 of the 4 do. One of them does not talk to his siblings or his mother and hasn't for years! I feel bad for my husband cause these are his children and yet he hasn't even met part of his grandchildren.
Last time we talked to 3 of them was in 2011. I wish things were good with everyone...my expectation was this large blended family, boy was I smokin something thinkin that!
I hear ya about expecting a
I hear ya about expecting a blended family! My dh has 3 sons..who have done drugs and not amounted to a hill of beans and I have 4 daughters who all went to college and have jobs! Could we BE more unblendable?? Heck..I don't even feel comfortable around dh's kids nor he mine. It's really hard...especially at the holidays when they come home. If I had it to over again, I would have married a man with kids like MINE! His are like nothing I've ever known. I don't know if his sons like me or not, but, honestly, I don't care. Of course they maybe know they need to be nice to me since their father most likely will pass before me and it will be up to ME if they get any kind of inheritance! My own daughters should probably think about this as well since, if I pass before dh, HE would decide if my children get anything or not. hmmmm Bet none of our kids ever thought about this.
What makes me really sad is the fact that they DID blend with their father's wife's kids who are more like them.
As my dh said once, it's like we're the ugly stepsisters. 
It's gonna be REALLY hard next year at my DD28's wedding. Talk about feeling out of place. It will be the "blended" family (plus ex's extended family) and me and dh and my younger brother and his wife and that's all. She's getting married states away and the rest of my family can't afford to go. Heck...dh doesn't want to go and honestly...I'm not looking foward to it either.