Step Kids Failing in Life, Husband Throws Money at the Problem
Hi, I'm new here. I've been screaming out for someone to talk to about step parenting issues for more than 15 years, but just let it roll then boil up then simmer, then calm until the next flare up. It's like living with an illness sometimes.
I'll try to be brief. My step kids are 21 and 24, neither doing well in life, both girls have dropped out of college, the eldest has bounced from low paying job to low paying job. Both are bright and had much potential. However, during their high school education both went off the rails. With divorced parents I know this is often the way. Both went to college, despite low grades. One dropped out twice, without telling her parents, causing huge student debt and financial worries for us all. She has since had menial work, but was doing well and moving up the ranks, until she was laid off earlier this summer. Since then my husband has been sending her over a thousand dollars a month to pay her expenses. She has looked for full time work but made no effort to find temporary (bar work) or such to fill the void.
So needless to say, I get wound up about it. It's been this way for years, whenever things go bad for her, her Dad just throws money at the problem. I ask him how she's doing and he says he doesn't know! Yet he knows enough to keep sending her $$$.
Now, I haven't had a relationship with this daughter for years, she nearly destroyed our family a few years ago and I find it hard to even have her around. I know, for my husband, the easiest route is to throw money at her. I think it assuages his guilt and avoids him having to deal with the heart of her issues.
The problem is his youngest is rapidly going the same way, flunking at school, drinking, getting in trouble with the law. Then reassuring Daddy that she knows what she needs to do to make things right. Yet never following through on any of it.
It all feels like such BS to me as I stand here from the sidelines seeing two girls throw their lives away, with no motivation or accountability to succeed or push themselves, while my husband take the easiest path he can to keep them happy.
I love him and know how hard this is for him. He's been the sole voice of reason in their lives, their mother is largely their just to provide not guide.
How do we get out of this cycle, how do I help him help them? I am so frustrated with them, and even more so with him as I see the checks go out the door to his kids. I try to talk about it but it's such a hot button he clams up and just gets frustrated with me.
OMG, this is my DH. He threw
OMG, this is my DH. He threw money at his "victim" adult daughter for years, and somehow, by the grace of God (& my refusing to pay her & her jobless BF's way and her attacking him for not giving more) he has seen that light. He felt sorry for her & was "just helping her get on her feet". He threw money at her for years and she has never got on her feet. She's 31 now with three children. Neither her or her hubby have jobs, they expect everyone else to pay their way. They deserve that, everyone owes them. She resents DH for not building them a house and paying their bills. The enabling ended with her (at least I think it has) but it continues with her brother since he feels guilty for cutting her off.
StepAside is on target as usual. The hero feels validation for this. Money is what makes him a good father (huh?) which is not actually helping them. The victim resents it when they don't get more & more. They've learned how to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them and paying their way. It's about the guilt of daddee and feeling needed, not wanting to be disowned or whatever. They won't stand on their own until they are expected to. As long as daddee is covering them, they have no initiative to be responsible. I tell my DH they need a father & guidance, not a bank & money (wasting my energy there though). I hope it isn't making you suffer financially.
As a 40 year old who was
As a 40 year old who was always rescued by her parents financially (not huge amounts, but significant- rent, billls etc) I can absolutely say that I live with shame and humiliation and resentment towards my parents for enabling my dependance on them. I have talked to them about this repeatedly over the years yet they continue to do it:: Recently when I have been talking about moving out of the home that I share with my SO (due to the stress of dealing with the skids) and worrying about how I will support myself (I'm not currently working) my parents are still offering to pay for a place to stay. :?
I think this is partly why I feel so strongly about my SO showing any signs of doing this with his kids. I tell him time and time again he's not doing them any favours. But he doesn't seem to listen. Sigh.
I should also say that I don't think I was manipulative in any way- and never asked for the money- and it wasn't given out of guilt - more genuine concern and the belief they were doing the right thing for me.
StepAside - That's why I'm so
StepAside - That's why I'm so frustrated! So is that it? Should I just give up? He might as well just cash in his pension and give them their share right now!
Is there any way you can take
Is there any way you can take more control over the bank/money?
LadyFace, I really feel for
LadyFace, I really feel for your dad. I hope he wakes up.
Oh LadyFace, I feel you pain,
Oh LadyFace, I feel you pain, it's so debilitating to families to see this and I know it happens a lot. Parenting out of guilt. My husband does carry a lot of guilt - not that he'd ever say so.
nachomomma: This "Tell your
nachomomma: This "Tell your dh that you do not approve, and will no longer be a part of it. If he chooses to do it, so be it. But it better not make your household suffer financially" - thank you!
We have separate bank accounts and I contribute a monthly check towards our household expenses. I gave my husband a check on Wed, it cleared on Thurs, on Fri the same money went out the door to his kid. That makes my blood boil. In the meantime, I have my own business and am having cash flow issues! Go figure.
Sickening. My DH sent
Sickening. My DH sent princess $1000 a month for 5 years. We were not married at the time. He bought her a brand new, expensive car. Princess was supposed to pay the insurance. DH found out the car was not being insured so what does he do?....he pays princesses insurance. Then she proceeds to rack up hundreds and hundreds of dollars in parking tickets and toll evasion penalties. What does daddy do?..... He pays the fines. I'm not talking a hundred dollars, I'm talking about over $1000 dollars. Princess decided to supplement her income by working.......as a stripper, lap dancing pole dancer. Wow! Daddy threw all this money at her as she "needed support" so she could go to college. She dropped out six times! She never passed a single class. Of course the $1000 a month was never saved and used for tuition; instead she took out student loans. The student loans that she received were used but not for school; oh no! She thinks daddy should pay and the loans were used for anything but school. Then daddy pays off the student loans. Princess always wears designer clothes (never seen her wear the same thing twice) and has a new designer bag for every day of the week. And let's not forget the manicures, pedicures and salon styled and colored hair. She would lie about attending school when DH would ask her how her classes were going. She'd then fess up towards the end of the semester that she had to drop but daddy made sure he continued to pump her full of money to keep her happy. It made me sick. So, what was the $1000 a month being used for? She was making tons of money as a stripper. Oh and let's not forget the thousands that bio-mom was handing her. Did I mention she was 25 at the time? There is so much more but this post is already too long. DH eventually realized that princess is a worthless, lying, deceitful, entitled, spoiled brat. He stopped the money. Now he gives her nothing. He eventually learned his lesson. She will never get another penny from DH.
Wow this sounds like my SD's
Wow this sounds like my SD's future (stb 15) except she is too homely to be a stripper. Probably just go on the system and have a few felonies under her belt.
Ha Ha Ha regarding the homely
Ha Ha Ha regarding the homely comment. My SD was really beautiful at one time. She shaved her head like Brittany spears one day. Then she wasn't so pretty. These adults brats are all budding criminals. She actually did commit a felony by stealing money from the bank when they accidentally credited her account $1000. She went shopping. When the bank caught the mistake she has hundreds of dollars in bounced check fees and the bank wanted their $1000 immediately. Guess who paid it off......you guessed it.....daddy. He didn't want little princess to go to jail and going to jail probably would've been the best thing for her. This is why she grew up thinking the rules don't apply to her. Mommy and daddy were ways there with checkbook in hand ready to clean up all of her messes. Disgusting! BTW, this isn't the only crime she's committed. I'll save that for another story.
Amber - OMG, that's awful.
Amber - OMG, that's awful. I'm still hoping for that light bulb moment to arrive. Big hugs.
Hi Mrs Bee. Yes it was awful.
Hi Mrs Bee. Yes it was awful. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't witness it myself. Amazing what these brats will do. Unbelievable. The nice thing is that there is no more free ride being provided by DH. we could've put a large down payment on a house with the money he spent on her. Well, it was a painful lesson for him but at least he eventually learned.
I believe he has to let them
I believe he has to let them fail. If their taught well Dad will come in and save the day, how will they ever learn to stand on their own. I don't have pity for people who choose to play the card well my Mom & Dad got divorced so I've been a deprived child of divorce. I grew up with divorced parents, yah it sucked, but it didn't define me and still doesn't. I take pride in the fact that I get up and work for the things in my life and no one can ever say, I gave you this and I gave you that, but my Mom tells me I'm a tough nut, lol. My SD tries to pull that crap all the time, thankfully my DH doesn't allow her to play him like that, if he did I don't think I could take it. I'm sorry you're going thru this, but until your DH sees he is contributing to the problem, you won't solve it.
Cyldella, you should be proud
Cyldella, you should be proud of yourself. Good for you. Glad your DH doesn't allow that crap! If you & DH are on the same page, things are SO much easier!
Also, do not accept divorce
Also, do not accept divorce as an excuse for High School and College failure. Millions of "COD"s have actually EXCELLED in school despite the "odds." It's more of a pity, parental laziness and low expectations from the bioparents than anything else.
Yes we have a similar problem
Yes we have a similar problem at our house which I have managed to slowly turn around over three years. Mind you I am not entirely trusting that DH will not regress and put his hand in his pocket in the future. SD17 has been getting $100 a week as part of the divorce settlement since she was 13 and was not required to do any tasks at all to earn money or praise.
DH and I got together when SD was 14 and I was straight but learned also to talk in "man logic". Instead of what I felt was wrong with the situation which inevitably got me the cold shoulder, I talked about how to build success. My DH likes a plan and a picture of why something will be a good thing for his daughter for example. So I said SD will be a strong and independent young woman if you do the following;
- insist on a part time job from 16
- Insist on tasks/day for $40/week
- get her to bank $60/week and be clear that is toward a car and/or overseas trip she wants
- driving lessons
We went to a counsellor and agreed a plan. DH now reports in to the counsellor on progress therefore taking some pressure of me as well. Not all smooth sailing but better than the arguments and troubles with my previous approach.
I would highly recommend discussing your situation with a family therapist trained in dealing with blended families and getting advice on communication techniques as a starting point. Better than beating your head against a brick wall all day.
If you do not have separeate
If you do not have separeate finances, please do so for yourself. Stop paying for these losers.