At a loss
I'm truly at a loss. Where do I begin---I have a stepson who is 32 years old living with my husband and I. He does not have a GED, works as a dishwasher, is a alcoholic,is a total slob and contributes nothing to the the household. Life is a total party for him. He plays kickball, goes bowling, hangs out in bars and sleeps around. Even had the nerve to ask if he could bring girls home to sleep with them here rather than pay for a hotel room. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke---I'm SO angry everyday. I want him out of here. My husband will not kick him out even though he is a ADULT!!!
I'm 53 and it will be hard for me to go out on my own. I'm unemployed and at this point it seems to be my only option. The stepson is sneaky and does what he can to stir the pot between my husband and myself. My husband does get upset with him but that is short lived. He just thinks I will get over being mad. Or I just have to. His son acts like a 14 year---NO KIDDING.
Who supports everyone? At
Who supports everyone? At least the SS is working...
I personally think the SS
I personally think the SS needs to get his own place and let you two live your lives. He needs to grow up. Are you able to get a job if you did want to leave? You say SS doesn't contribute to the home. Maybe DH should start charging him rent? That might make him want to leave. Just a thought. I feel sorry for you, you must feel trapped not working and having no other options. Its a horrible feeling to have. I had that before we disengaged from one of our step daughters. Trapped.
He's 32 and it's time for him
He's 32 and it's time for him to leave. My question is why does your DH allow him to still be there @ this age? I mean legitimate reasons? (Not the status quo enabling reasons.)
I'm assuming that you've talked about it? Maybe it's time for some house rules to be established (that is, IF your DH flat out refuses to send his ADULT son packing.)
IDK why you're unemployed but, I can tell you this, it's never too late to reinvent yourself and begin a new life. Your happiness and well being are important, and if your DH can't see that, then it may be time for you to begin making exit plans.
Best of luck to you.
I only have one answer to
I only have one answer to your question--why does my husband allow his son to stay here? Guilt. That is all that I can think of. Because there is no reason. He is a ADULT. That's want makes this situation even crazier!!! I'm so tired. And depressed.
My husband tells him things to do and house rules they go in one ear and out the other. Seriously.
We would likely have had to
We would likely have had to deal with this type of thing with my SS-21 if we had not created a burning platform to motivate him to launch. He graduated from HS with honors in 2010 when he was 17. We offered to pay for college. He did not want to go to college. We told him if he was not going to school that he had to have a full time job to live at home. He did not want to work.
So, we made him our beck and call boy. We gave him an ever increasing list of daily, weekly and monthly chores. He vacuumed, mopped, cleaned every toilet and bathroom in our house every day. He cleaned windows, he cooked, he washed dishes, he dusted, he washed out cars, he sorted out garbage between refuse and recycling, he did our laundry, he swept and mopped the garage, etc, etc, etc.... If he missed one chore on any given day the next day he had to walk out of the house with his mom and I, we locked the doors and he sat on the porch until we got home from work. He did that only once. A full day on the back porch in his sleep clothes with no food, no internet, etc.. and only water from the hose to drink gave him clarity that we were very serious about his becoming a viable adult. He could launch or he could be miserable. Those were his only two choises.
After 4 months he decided that rather than be our beck and call boy he would rather join the military. In Dec 2010 he signed up for the delayed entry program. In April 2012 he reported for BMT in San Antonio and he has now completed 2 years of his 6 year enlistment. He is working in a technical field and going to school to get his BSCS.
I think it is time to change the locks on your SS-32, leaves every AM when your DH leaves for work and he does not get back in the house until your DH gets home from work each evening. I would also disconnect the cable TV and the internet and do not turn them back on until he moves out.
There are many things you can do to create a burning platform so that SS-32 will have no choice but to jump. Either that or become the beck and call boy for you and his dad.
You are your DH's wife and partner. You live your lives together. SS-32 is not a party to your marriage and at his age he should not be a member of your household.
IMHO of course.
You had a great plan and it
You had a great plan and it required discipline on your part. That won't happen here. I could do it, but my husband wouldn't. On some level I truly believe he wants him here. Why else would he tolerate this behavior?
Thanks for all of your
Thanks for all of your responses. I do appreciate it. I told my husband MANY times lay down the law to him. But he WON'T. He will say things to him, but will not stick with it. My husband works and we are comfortable.I really didn't have to work. I have chronic migraines. That is part of the reason I don't work. But now I must figure out something. This life is h***. I have read up on psychopaths and I have to wonder if the SS is one. He has many traits. He CANNOT tell the truth to save his life. I'm starting to think my husband just doesn't care if I move out. It doesn't look like his son is going anywhere. He does what he wants and daddy gives him money when needed. I saw my husband hand SS a credit card the other day to pay for his doctor visit. SS is always sick! NOT. He lies and tells people he has cancer, is going blind, etc. So, you see he manipulates everyone for sympathy. SS will size people up to see what he can get out of them. And of course, he knows what buttons to push to get what he wants of of his "daddy"!!! Sick. I was visiting my sister out of state several years ago, and SS told his daddy that I was screwing other men and I went on this trip on his dime!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I think the only choice
Yes, I think the only choice I have is to move out. Because even if my husband put SS out---I will pay for that. He will resent me for making him do that. I'm in a no win situation. The hardest part is getting back to work and job training. With the economy the way that it is, it's hard to figure out a secure field to get into.
The things I said about SS are just the tip of the iceberg. This has been a nightmare for me. Thanks for your response MarieJeanne. I keep praying everyday.
It may be time to think about
It may be time to think about changing your life around. It doesn't mean that you have to leave right this minute but, you do have some decisions about your future to make. Start off with a part time job (preferably during the hours SD is home.) Maybe take a few classes and figure out what you have a talent for and work towards finding decent employment in that field. It is totally possible that once DH sees you distancing yourself, he will figure out that YOU are more important than his irrational NEED to wipe the a$$ of his ADULT child. One can hope anyway, lol.
Also, leave a few self-help books lying around with a post-it on chapters that fit your situation, (well, HIS situation.) You never know, DH's curiosity could get the best of him.
Yes, my DH has big guilt over
Yes, my DH has big guilt over being divorced from SS mother. SS had a very hard childhood. But, I don't care. Many people including myself had tough childhoods. And DH has even told me SS is just waiting for him to die, so he can inherit house or whatever else he thinks he is entitled to. Hello---we are married, these things are mine. SS snoops into our bills and bank statements, etc. Is very concerned with money we spend. It is unnerving. I sleep with one eye open. I don't trust him for a minute.
His father was critically ill several years ago and SS was only worried about himself. Worried that I would kick him out if his daddy passed away. Yes, he was correct. I told DH if he wanted his son to have something he better make a will, because he will receive nothing from me. He is a parasite. I'm tired of supporting him. He has no drive or ambition to make it on his own. Again, he does not even have a GED. He resents me because he feels like I took things from him. Most men would ashamed to be living in the parent's home at 32 years of age. Not this one, no shame here. It's party time!!!!!!!!!!
I told DH in a calm and logical manner yesterday how I feel, and that at I'm at my wits end with SS. I think it had no effect on him. It is obvious that he is not going to be kicking him out anytime soon.
If SS won't change, and DH
If SS won't change, and DH won't change, what do YOU need to do to get your life back? Job training? Classes? Is finding a job a possibility? Some combination of those? Start small, but get started! This would be absolutely intolerable for me.
Agree ^^ I feel for you
Agree
I feel for you Moonchild, if SS won't change & if DH won't change... dang,I can't imagine my adult SK's living with us. NO WAY. And supporting them ? BIG NO. Best of luck. You have to look out for you.
Moonchild...my heart goes out
Moonchild...my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a decision to make and I agree with Alreadygone. I could see if your SS32 was in his late teens/early twenties that your dh might still feel obligated a bit to help, but 32??? That's just crazy! Dr. Phil had a show on last week which your dh should watch. A son was still living with his parents at age 28 and Dr. Phil sure told HIS parents what to do. It's all about enabling and what it does is cripple the adult child. That's exactly what your dh is doing and if his response to you leaving was basically "There's the door." as MY dh told ME this summer when I was at the end of MY rope (enabling his 20 year old son who is a drug addict), then I'd start making plans. I'm your age exactly and work a low-paying receptionist job, but I'll tell you right now, had my dh made no efforts to get his son out of the house and it had continued much longer, I would have left and BEEN poor...but happier! It would have been better than living as YOU are and as I did (although at age 20, I rather understand dh's feelings of obligation to continue to try to help his son). Anyway, 32 is ridiculous. There is definitely something wrong with him and your dh doesn't seem to care. Please take the other posters advice and start making plans. You deserve SO much better than what you're living. Another poster said something about feeling "trapped". I agree. Time to get out if your dh won't change.
Would your dh be open to counseling? My dh refuses to go, but he does seem to listen when I come home and tell him what my counselor says to me. (You BET I go to counseling! Keeps me sane!) Luckily, SS20 has been in rehab the last 3 weeks and dh and I have gotten along better than we have in 2 years. Just the fact his son is out of the house has made everything so much better.
After you told your dh exactly how you felt, what DID he say exactly? I'd give him a deadline to get his son out and if he didn't agree, I'd definitely leave.
My DH said nothing pretty
My DH said nothing pretty much after I told him how I feel. It is the same old, same old. He figures like I have stated, I'm trapped. My SS doesn't just drive me crazy, he drives everyone crazy. His own BM wants nothing to do with him----ever. He is "The Bad Seed". He is just evil. I'm nervous just being around him. It is creepy how he is all up in our business--eavesdrops, snoops, etc. Yes, there is something so wrong with him! We have been to counseling many years ago concerning his son. The counselor said let him hit rock bottom. Well, DH can't or won't let that happen.
I have talked to my sister out of state, and will more than likely move in with her. But, I still must find work. It is scary with the state of the economy.
Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it.