Well that was short lived
I know from my previous posts, I am trying to move on and trying to get myself and the pain I suffered back on track. I am, really I am. Its just for some reason I let something else bother me.
Ok, I don't know why I feel this way because I really don't want SD19 in our lives again. She hurt DH and I so much. What hit me last night was this:
She is pregnant, she is due in Jan. I was looking around on facebook last night and I have a way to see hers even though I have her and BM blocked. Anyways I see a picture of her ultrasound and see this cute baby in it. You can tell the baby is adorable. It broke my heart, I raised her with DH and she cant even call us to tell us that she is having a girl yet alone, show us the God Damn picture of the ultrasound. To me out of everything, this is the lowest. I really don't think I can forgive this. I know I sound so backwards because I don't want her in my life but find it rude that she doesn't even try to show any interest in DH or I about the baby. Why do I feel this way?!
during both my pregnancies she was there and even though during my last one, she was a little shit and I STILL had her included even though I didn't want her included. I still kept my promise that she would be the God Mother (yes her and I were once that close and for years) of my last baby and even though I could not stand her during that time, I still let her be the God mother. She was treating me like shit during that.
So I guess maybe I am not ready to forgive. If she thinks she can drag her child over here after a couple years of keeping the baby from us, she has another thing coming. I cant forgive this. I can forgive her drug addiction and all the hell she put me through but this whole baby thing, shows me she is nothing but a selfish little Bitch!
Sorry, I know, I need to move on and forgive I guess I just don't know how and I cant see it anymore as I feel she has done the ultimate damage with the 4 years of hell and now this baby thing. Fuck her. I am so incredibly hurt.
And off note here, I am so sorry for all the bad language, I know, not very Christian but man my heart has been broke and I think its broken for good and I am DONE with her.
I understand your feelings,
I understand your feelings, how hurt you are. I look at it like its not the baby's fault that it wont have a mother who has not grown up yet. Baby's and little kids are so innocent of life and they don't know hate or anger. It would be kind of scary to start loving this baby only to maybe have it taking away from your life when the daughter is upset. More heartache. Not sure about this one. I do wish you the best and hope that all will work out for you.
Thank you for the response. I
Thank you for the response. I have read your stuff too and can tell you have also been hurt. I just never knew hurt like I know now until I became a step parent.
Yes, I think that's why it bothered me so bad about the baby, they are innocent. My SD19 was tripping on acid and doing ecstasy the night before she found out she was pregnant (claims to be not on anything anymore but I don't see her to know if its true). The father of the baby has abused physically my SD19 who will lie for him. He has a long wrap sheet with the law including more then one felony and is not even 21 yet. There is so much more to both of their backgrounds that this poor little baby girl is doomed with them as parents.
I just wish I could wake up one day and not care at all about any of this. I just wish I could be free from any pain its caused DH, Myself and our 2 bio daughters.
As you know I am in my own
As you know I am in my own private hell and a few years ahead of you in this sequence. Brace yourself. Two things are more than likely true. She is not going away forever and she is 19 (and stupid) now but is going to change. Those are likely possibilities.
I have to tell you though. You say you raised her. There may be light at the end of the tunnel. For sure she is stupid now, but she will mature in the next 2-5 years and you may have built a foundation with her before. Also the baby might change her.
The real question is.. is she lost forever?? She could be but the odds are against that.
I am so sorry... you are on a rollercoaster.
Well, my SD had the first
Well, my SD had the first gbaby last August. Up until then I was told over and over how much she wanted me to be a grandma to him, what I wanted to be called and was even asked to babysit him 2 days a week when she went back to work. I was beyond excited about this baby and loved him fiercely from the moment I knew he existed. I have no bios so forming a family bond with my steps has been my number one priority.
Well, I have seen that kid less than 5 times in almost 14 months. Needless to say, I've ever babysat him nor has my DH. She told me point blank on the phone that her priorities were her immediate family...kid, husband, bio parents and siblings. I was devastated. I have completely disengaged myself from 2 of the skids and their significant others. There is one remaining skid who is out of the country and hasn't been completely turned against me yet because of where he lives. She controls this entire family and has since the divorce...BM and DH to the max.
I hope your situation turns out differently because I know how much it hurts to be treated like that regarding the baby. In my situation she just has even more control and ammunition because she can use the baby as leverage now.
I think the hurt comes from shattered expectations and dreams. Based on the prior relationship you had with her, I'm sure you had dreams of how it would be when she had her own kids and it's not turning out that way. Mourning dead dreams is so painful. But it is doable. That's what I've spent the last year doing. I have to say I'm feeling stronger...most of the time...and better than I did in the early days. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.