Free Reigning College SD/DH Doesn't Parent
For 9 months now, SD19 has lived with DH and I.
Before SD19 moved in, DH and I had discussed our strategy for essentially raising an adult child. We both knew that SD19 had never been raised with structure and consistency, that she had never really been parented. She grew up in an environment where pretty much anything went, no questions asked, little authority or parental involvement, she always got whatever she wanted and her elders were her friends and enablers rather than her guidance and discipline.
DH and I knew that we wanted to give SD19 the quality of life she never had and an opportunity at a bright future and that it wouldn't be easy. She moved in so we could ensure she went to college and so we could teach her how to be a productive, functional adult. The agreement was that I, as the Stepmother would quietly teach SD by example. I would be her role model, I would nurture her from a distance without ever directly parenting her (you know, the whole...it's my duty to show Skid/s how an actual/good Mom is, how a wife should be, how a household should be ran kind of thing). I would be there for advice when she asked and build a relationship off of mutual respect. As the Bio parent, DH would be the one to dole out the lectures and give the talks if needed, he would be the heavy hand in structure, guidelines and discipline.
See, DH has two Daughters, both teenagers and in the five years DH and I have been together I've already been in the "over involved SM" shoes....I've had my fair share of over stepping boundaries, unintentionally angering BM's, being the target of blame and resentment, doing too much too soon, being heartbroken because I go unnoticed and unappreciated. I've already been through my phases of disengagement and rude awakenings and backing off far far away. Hence, why I absolutely refuse and I mean...refuse to discipline and actually parent my SM's. Especially SD19, who by all accounts is a legal adult.
Anyway, I have held up my end of the bargain and rightfully, a little beyond.
However, DH has not. Countless issues have been arising with SD19 in the last 9 months and not one of them has been brought up or confronted because DH doesn't have the moxy to put SD19 in her place, or he flat out won't make the effort or simply refuses because he doesn't want to "upset" SD. His unwillingness to carry out his end of the parenting bargain is leaving me extremely frustrated and stressed out. So far SD19 is becoming far from the productive, functional, responsible adult we had hoped to create.
Unfortunately, this has been causing a tremendous amount of stress on our marriage....lot's of arguments between DH and I and lot's of tension. I bring things up to DH, point things out and make notes of things that need to change and or be taken care of. But, my pleas go ignored.
Examples: *SD19 is
Examples:
*SD19 is unemployed. Has been for the entire 9 months she has lived with us. DH never rode her about getting a job or filling out apps. I tried a few times at the mall in a very subtle way to get her to apply for a job. SD lied to me and told me she had already filled out apps at the stores I suggested. Turns out she had printed off and filled out apps at home but never turned them in!
*SD19 is a full time college student now, DH bought SD a $200 top of the line parking permit for campus to ensure she had a easy time parking.....she has done nothing but bitch and complain about it since day one. Even has raked up two parking tickets in the first 3 weeks because she takes the luxury of parking wherever she wants and doesn't pay attention (I showed her the parking maps online and went over it with her) DH hasn't said a word. She also constantly bitches about how boring and easy her college courses are and makes comments about how she has no motivation to go to school and complains virtually every time she leaves the house. I feel she's blowing school off and not putting any effort into it, afraid she'll drop out or flunk out. DH seems unconcerned.
*We bought ALL of her college textbooks out of pocket. Had to order many of them on eBay, Amazon etc. Spent roughly $600 or so. SD19 changed her schedule and classes TWICE after we purchased her books and we ended up losing a few hundred dollars in the process from having to trade in or resell the books. SD told me how she didn't need one of the books, so she was just going to give it to a friend that needed it. I told her it was a $45 book and we needed to get our money back. I clued DH in who again never said a word and hasn't made sure to get the book or money back.
*She had a part time job on campus for a WEEK but instead decided to join TWO intramural sports teams and ditched the job! Upon telling me about it, I had to contain my horror and reminded SD her job needs to come first. DH was infuriated when I told him what she had done, but never really spoke to her about it.
*We pay for her gas (since she doesn't have a job) to get to and from school. SD burns it up like crazy, driving all over town voluntarily picking up and dropping off friends to and from campus on our dollar. Her tank has to be filled up every week and we live literally 8 minutes down the street from the school.
*SD19 joined a sorority on campus even though we told her we simply couldn't afford it. She didn't listen and participated in RUSH and joined one anyway. Now there is a $700 sorority payment coming up for the first semester. DH never put his foot down on the matter and seems willing to fork over the money. I told SD to please get on a payment plan, she threw a fit saying that it was embarrassing and unheard of to be on a payment plan and that nobody does that. I told DH he needs to confront SD about the matter and make sure she gets a payment plan....he's never asked about it.
*Now SD19 has all these sorority functions such as themed mixers etc to go to which cost money since they practically require a new outfit or clothing that SD doesn't own. SD won't tell us anything in advance. She has been saying her next mixer is camo themed, I've asked about it for 5 days now in a row and she won't clarify details. But she'll want us to take her shopping her the day of the event like she did last time. I held my own for the homecoming football game...she expected me to drop everything and take her shopping just hours before the game, claiming she needed cowboy boots, a sundress and a red necklace. I in adversely refused....she had a meltdown and didn't go to the game. But, DH relinquishes the funds.
*SD never says thank you or acts appreciative of anything we ever do for her. SD had been telling us how she needed some sorority shirts as they're required to wear one every Wednesday. We went to the campus store and were appalled at the prices. We ended up finding 3 on amazon cheaper than one....we ordered them for her and she never said a word. Instead, she pulled her laptop out this morning and was showing me all the things she needed and had to have like she expected me to order them for her. I took the dog walking to get away and called DH to explain what was going on, he spoke to me like he didn't know what the big deal and I was making something out of nothing.
SD19 is entitled, spoiled and unappreciative. DH allows the behavior to flourish. Now, it seems acceptable in this household for SD19 to leave the house at all hours of the day, not tell anyone where she's going or what she's doing, stay out all night with unnamed "friends" and have no responsibilities. When we ask her questions we're greeted with silence or non descriptive one or two word answers.
I don't know what to do!!!
You have no idea how badly I
You have no idea how badly I would LOVE to! Seriously...life was so much easier and happier....not to mention cheaper when it was just DH and I and our 2 little dogs.
Of course my intentions are
Of course my intentions are good. I assume all of us Steps on this forums are for the most part.
I agree with you about SD taking responsibility, that's the whole purpose of my post. I'm aggravated because DH has SD in a situation now where he's basically coddling her, letting her off the hook and enabling her dependency.
DH has only stepped away emotionally. Not financially. Which does nothing but further the problem, he takes no responsibility and expects her to take none as well.
It is my opinion and view as well that SD needs to come up with the $700 tuition payment for the sorority herself...as well as pay her own parking fine. Problem is, DH is going to pay it for her.
Honestly, I wouldn't give a damn what she does as long as it's not effecting our bank account and household. It's disrupting both, big time. Personally, I hope she does flunk out and DH sends her spoilt butt packing.
To answer your question, what
To answer your question, what am I planning to do....
Further disengage and try to learn not to give an F.
Hope SD19 pushes DH's buttons, wears on his nerves and he wakes up and realizes what a spoiled, unappreciative brat she is and finally cuts her off financially and makes her get a job and pay for her own stuff.
Either hope for
SD and DH have a heart to heart, she matures and grows up some and takes responsibility and actually does good in school and the problems start to slowly resolve or (B) she flunks out of school this year and we send her packing