Besides the fact that my husband and I made a deal years ago that no other adult live with us, I have told him there is just no way I could take his daughter living with us. I would be a basket case and a raving lunatic. No one would want to live with me! So, for my mental health, it is not an option.

Having another adult living with a couple is very hard on the relationship, no matter who the 3rd party is. When it is a free loading adult step kid, it's even worse.

My SD is 22, has 2 kids, is recently divorced, no job. Well, she got her first job a couple of weeks ago, but she has worked about 16 hours total. I told my husband they probably watched her and noticed how SLOW she is at doing everything and are not putting her on the schedule and will just let her go.

I have given her phone numbers for agencies that will help her and she hasn't called any of them. She is so lazy, she drives her son to the bus stop and it's across the street from the apartment she lives in with BM.

Your DH needs to realize he is hurting you, his marriage, and his daughter by enabling her and not making her be responsible and accountable.

Who did she live with when she lived out of state?

Doesn't he notice the difference from when she was gone?

I agree with Nodoor counseling would really help. I feel for you. I also struggle with anxiety and insomnia. My therapist has been really helpful with his suggestions of how I can make him hear me.

It wasn't until he really saw the effect the stress was having on me that he actually stepped up. In the end I had to be very clear about what had to happen for me to feel healthy. I didn't see it at first but my behavior was very passive aggressive, especially in response to things I couldn't change. I stopped that and am focused on the things I can change and things are getting better.

Instead of complaining about SD not helping around the house, I refuse to be the house maid. I told DH it's not fair to expect me to work full time and still take care of most of the household chores. I told him he can either make sure I have help or I will hire a maid service and expect him to split the bill with me.

When I see behaviors that bother me I make it about how it is hurting SD or how making her do this is helping her.

Instead of complaining about the things SD does that annoy me I lament on the things we as a couple would used to do before SD moved in. I really miss it when we would take weekends away or I miss getting to sleep in together on Saturday mornings. When he agrees he misses those things too, I suggest that weekend, knowing that SD is most likely getting in the way. When he told me no, I said I really need some time away from the stress and I made other plans. After a few time of suggesting a date and me making other plans while DH was busy taking care of SD, DH started saying yes and telling SD we had plans.

SD hasn't changed, at 17, there is no time for the kind of change she really needs. But, DH has changed his approach. While DH doesn't go with me to therapy I have come home and talked about things that were said. The most important one was to request an end game. I told DH that there had to be a point where enough was enough. I asked at what point he would feel like he had done what he can for SD and what would happen if things reached that point. I shared my breaking point as well and we agreed that if it reaches that point SD goes.

You've been telling him for years. He is listening, he does hear you, but heh! So what. It's all talk. You nag and carry on but she is still there, she moved out, and YOU LET HER MOVE BACK IN DESPITE KNOWING HOW BAD SHE WAS FOR YIUR HEALTH.

This young woman is being allowed to move in, sleep till 11 and eat you out of house and home because you and your husband allow it.

Want advice, stop enabling her to sleep till 11. You wake her up, she helps around the house. She can vacuum every single day and mop the floors too, doesn't matter if your floors are super clean, all that matters is she is kept busy.

Take her grocery shopping, make her push the trolley, pack the groceries and stack them away UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION,. No matter what extras she wants to buy at the supermarket REFUSE every single time, tell her you can't afford it. If you don't want to do this, too bad. It's not about you, it's about making her life uncomfortable. She more than likely doesn't want to,spend time with you doing your chores either. Good. That's what you want.

Or, tell your husband, enough, either she goes or you go.

Are you afraid to do any of the above. Would it upset your husband, cause a fight between you. If that's the case, your husband is a bully who is emotionally abusing you and you need to build up your self esteem and stop allowing yourself to bevabused.

YIUR husband and his daughter are more than happy with the current arrangement thank you. They have no reason to change themselves or the situation. It works well for them.

You don't like it, it's not working for you, hen YOU do something about it.

I took so much for 8 years. I walked on egg shells, afraid of starting an arguement with DH over his Princess. She was pure evil, she did and said terrible things and she made my life hell. She didn't even live here. DH denied it all, could see no wrong in her. It was all my fault. I didn't like ht, I was looking for faults in her blah blah blah. She did it, he encouraged it, supported and defended it. You know who 's fault it really was. MINE. I sat back and out of fear let it happen to me. It's been two years since I banned her from my home and my life. My immune system has not yet fully recovered, still a long way to go actually. My nerves are a lot better, but the sight of someone who looks like her still sends a shiver brought my body and the hair on the back of my neck sticks up. Probably God's way of making sure i hever forget abd keep up the progress of building myself and making sure i remember i am important too, i matter. It passes quickly now, in a matter of moments, it used to debilitate me for weeks.

The first place to start dealing with this is within you.

What have you done to yourself? How come she moved in with you two? Was it a trick? I'll stay with you until I get a job for example. How wonderful that you got a year to yourself. I dream of getting my life back for that period of time. My SD17 gets maximum brownie points for being studious so is doing a double degree - we will have her here for at least 5 years. Even if she went overseas and backpacked for one holiday would be blissful. Every second week for years. It's like a jail sentence but I did nothing wrong.

The wonderful thing is that you saw how the old you returned during that year and your relationship with your DH got better again. This is what I suspect will happen for us. What a great insight into how good your future will be when she leaves.

Forget the disappointment in the DH. You cannot even go there and start questioning with why they make excuses like they do. They are parents so they make excuses. We have all seen the families with one sibling who is responsible, normal and hard working and then one who is a lazy dependent user. The parents always make excuses for the lazy one and cover their expenses. For some reasons many step children are this lazy dependent manipulative child. My observation is that the daughters and the fathers are particularly bad. My theory is that without a sensible mother on the scene, these fathers and daughters lost their compass and never got it back again.

In my case my DH does not ask my advice which is a shame because I am sensible and motherly. It is also arrogant of him. I ask his advice and praise him for his role with my son regularly. I knew when I divorced that my son would need male role models and more than what I could offer as the opposite sex parent. I value my DH's time with my son and ask for his masculine point of view all the time. It hurts so much that he does not refer to me in the same way. Its like he wants to be blind and believe he has raised the perfect princess.

I agree with all the comments above. Hold on to yourself. Care for you.

It's hard to ask a father to turn his back in his daughter. But it's fine for him to turn his back on his wife and allow her health to be compromised rather than stand by her side and showing a united front tell his daughter, your a grown woman, get a job. If you want to sleep in till 11am, get an apartment of your own and sleep all day if you like, but here, you get up and you do your share around the place.

How did we get the courage to stand up and change things. We got so physically, mentally and emotional ill from all the crap, we decided no more. We decided the life of a doormat was not for us. We started to get some self respect and self esteem and refused to allow some young woman to destroy our lives and our marriages. We started to value ourselves and we stopped making excuses for our husbands who were enabling and destroying their daughters lives and turning us into collateral damage.

God did not make us to be used and abused by some other party. Mother, father, sibling, husband, wife. Child or stepchild. You cannot live your life to the fullest and be the best person you can be if you accept this. This woman is by her actions is playing you for a fool, she is disrespecting you in your own home. You are allowing it. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot expect her an dh to respect and appreciate you in the way you deserve.

Asking your husband to parent his child in such a way that she becomes a strong, independent, productive member of society, is hardly asking him to turn his back on her. In fact the opposite.

@OP, i totally understand and can relate. hugs to you, dear. life with Dh was heaven when Sds small and were living with their mother. when they left high school and moved in with Dh and me, then the misery started. two mini wives and me at the bottom of the ladder, right under Sds, inlaws and sports. both Sds partied until daybreak and then hungover sleep in until noon. doing chores like washing dishes or vacuuming upset them because it ruined their beauty sleep. Dh is just so happy about getting the Sds all to himself that he asks nothing of them and is an open wallet.

ie issues are not easily accepted by Dh. mine denied it all the way.

In my book, saying no to her is not turning his back on her. She is 25 and had a perfectly good place to live in SC with BM. Too bad if she thinks she can more from Daddeeeee.

The answer should have been NO, she needed to stay in SC.

Had a Nephew, who at 20 years old slept in till 3pm, didn't want to look for a job, wanted to be waited on hand and foot. In fact, my Mom found him a good job in a bakery - he refused the job because it would give him zits. LOL It doesn't get better for these deadbeats and I'll bet you ask SD to leave before she gets a job. Nephew is now 30 and living off some poor girl.

I see myself in your story. DH and I used to leave the house to talk about SD's and her foolishness when she lived with us as well. SD was 25 when I moved in with her and DH. She was evil, lazy (had no chores) and mean-spirited. The plan was she'd finish school, get a job and move out. It took her three years . .with my nudging.

She finished school, pretended to look for work for one year and did everything in her power to drive me out. I threatened divorce because I was miserable and didn't want to spend my days seeing DH coddle her like she was 12. One day DH were in our bedroom with the door closed. SD was cooking dinner. She knocked on the door, DH opened it and she fed him food from a fork. On other occasions she'd walk around wearing nothing but a towel. This is the foolishness I had to deal with. I was in competition with SD.

DH refused to give her a move out date. When she started working he said she could stay and save money for a place. So I insisted that DH stop buying her favorite food and that she bought her own food. I hid the laundry detergent, etc. When we went to dinner, he wasn't allowed to get her a "take-out" meal. She was an adult and adults feed themselves. I insisted he double her rent instead of the pathetic $75 she was paying. When she came home from work, I would lead DH to our bedroom and closed the door. She finally got the message and within a few weeks she found a place and moved out.

I will not live with her again under any circumstances. If DH ever considers letting her move back, I will end my marriage. . period.

Start making life difficult for your SD. First she has to get a job, pay rent and buy her own food. She's getting a free ride and it's time for it to come to a halt. Make her feel like she's an unwanted third wheel in your home and hopefully she'll be ready to bolt. Talking, fighting, and arguments didn't work for me, action did. If DH had his way, she'd still be here.

Finally I hope she doesn't destroy your marriage. Good luck.

"One day DH were in our bedroom with the door closed. SD was cooking dinner. She knocked on the door, DH opened it and she fed him food from a fork. On other occasions she'd walk around wearing nothing but a towel. This is the foolishness I had to deal with. I was in competition with SD."

shannon, that is truly repulsive.

and good for you on your solution. you are lucky your husband agreed to what you wanted.

feeding behavior in psychology is reserved for between parents and infants, and parents and very young children. it is also reserved for spouses, mates and lovers. (think of lovers feeding each other seductive strawberries.)

feeding your Dh with a fork after intruding on your privacy is unforgivable. she was showing you the power she had to actually dictate your privacy and make a spousal gesture in front of you. it would have been slightly more offensive if she used her bare fingers.

some husbands dont get it. they think its cute and loving to have their children feed them. cute when they are three years old giving you a mini meatball from their high chair tray. repulsive and inappropriate when they are 20.

Indeed, after she feed him, I kicked him out of the bedroom. This was just one of her many stunts. During the first year of my marriage I threatened divorce every other day. I was angry that I'd given up a beautiful condo and a life of peace and serenity to deal with head games from an evil SD who didn't want to grow up.

It boils down to loving yourself enough to not allow anyone to diminish or dishonor you. And when DHs turn their heads to steps foolishness it's a double whammy because you're being dishonored by both. At some point you'll also start losing respect for DH and grow angry and bitter. Life is to short to be miserable.

If DH told me today that SD needed to move back in for any reason, I'd move out the next day. I'll never live under the same roof with her again. Once was bad enough! And did I mention I moved in with them against my better judgment? I even called off the wedding because of it, but I gave in because DH wanted me to bond w/SD. Didn't happen! Moral of this story . .follow your first mind. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

I hope things work out for you and that DH will see what's at stake and do the right thing. I wish you the very best.