I'm not alone!!
I'm so happy i've found this place i could cry from sheer relief...
I honestly didn't think there was anything out there to support step parents, and oh god, sometimes i desperately feel like i need support.. in the very least just an ear. It's a horrible thing, not feeling like you can speak with those who are nearest and dearest for fear of either embarressment, burdening them, getting undue lectures or dealing with unsolicited advice in general.
I'm 29, have no kids of my own and raised as an only child. I have been with my partner for just under a year, and he has 4 children aged 5,6,7 and 11. I dont really consider myself a step mum (how could i) but more like a big sister. We have them every weekend at this stage, but are seriously considering taking them full time (There mum is actually looking forward to it... and i can see why). I think i'm setting myself up for a lifetime of heart ache, but my friends all tell me that it's exactly the same with any new parent and that i'm just getting cold feet because i've had no experience with children before. I'm not so sure.
Something doesn't feel right... and i dont know what it is. My partner and i are in a good relationship, the kids mum seems nice enough... the kids themselves are great... but theres a storm coming... and i just cant put my finger on what it is...
You are 29. You have been
You are 29. You have been with him less than a year. You have no kids. He has 4 and is possibly going to get them full time. BM SEEMS nice enough. You feel in your gut that you are in for a lifetime of heartache, something doesn't feel right, and a that storm is coming.
I think that about sums it up.
Your friends don't know what they are talking about, being a step parent is NOTHING like being a new parent.
Get out now. That is what your gut is telling you and it's right.
^^I totally agree with
^^I totally agree with this^^
If your not feeling right now, just imagine how you'll feel in a few months!! And you'll have a lot invested in the relationship/ with the kids. Its best to get out while you still can.
I had never had these feelings in the beginning of FDH and my relationship, but if I had I would have got on my running shoes.
Being a SP is totally different from being a Bio parent. I have one SD, and two DDs. Its much more difficult being a step. Don't listen to your friends... They have NO clue.
I agree about my friends not
I agree about my friends not really knowing whats going on here, and you're right in your assumption they have their own kids. I find it very hard to talk with them about this topic because i always feel like i have to filter out bit's that actually apply to my situation... and i dont usually come out with much by the end. So i try to take everything with a pince of salt..
After seeing such strong and quick responces to this, i definately need to re-think the possibility of taking them on full time. I'm still happy for the kids to come around each weekend... i dont think that will change anything... well.. i guess thats yet to be seen after our conversation, but i'm hopeful it wont.
thank you very much for your directness, and as someone else suggested, i'm also going to have a good look around this site for further information
I also agree! Being a step
I also agree! Being a step parent is NOTHING like step parenting. I have been a step parent for 12 years, started at the age of 24 with a SD7 at the time and an SD10 at the time. They are now 22 and 19 and the SD19 and I no longer talk and SHE was the one I thought I would remain the closest with forever. Times change and its tough.
I have 2 bios with my husband age 8 and 3. Being a bio mother I can definitely say that it is WAY different then step parenting. I am happy mine are adults now. I gave them my whole heart I thought too but it all got smacked in my face.
I also though BM was nice at first, I would be the only one to communicate with her and wondered why DH couldn't talk to her at all. Well after 12 years I now know why DH would not talk to BM...lies, manipulation..ect and sad thing SD19 turned out just like her, drugs and everything.
Anyways not to scare you, sorry if I did but keep an open mind about it and set your boundaries right away. Don't do what I did trying to be a Mom. Make sure you and your partner have good communication and you let partner do the parenting. I know at times you will have to parent a bit its normal but don't let yourself get in too deep or you have a potential of getting hurt like I did and like many did on here.
Take care of you and remember that its nothing like being a bio parent.
i think it might be just her
i think it might be just her looking forward to a break (and i think that was my first warning bell)... but i also think it's a little strange too.
So you guys dont think it's
So you guys dont think it's just nerves then
this is good though... for the first time i'm getting direct honesty... and not the usual "oh, you'll be fine"
No, I don't think it's just
No, I don't think it's just nerves. I think subconsciously (and even consciously) you are seeing red flags all over the place.
Really read some blogs on this site and see how many wished they had listened to their gut and heeded those red flags.
I don't think its nerves, I
I don't think its nerves, I think its female intuition!
I know I could not have handled the situation you are about to get in when I was 29. I'm nearly 45 now and still wouldn't be able to do it. One skid is hard enough, let alone 4.
Would your SO still have gone for full custody if you weren't on the scene? If not, it sounds suspiciously like he he sees you as doing all the work. I doubt if he would truthfully tell you that though if it was the case.
In my experience as a childfree woman (never interested in having own kids, and since becoming a step parent I am glad I made that choice) who would otherwise seem like the perfect type of person to be a mother, people/friends always try to encourage you to be a parent or be involved with kids in some way. I think that is what your friends are doing too. They probably view you as missing out on the experience and this is your chance.
I would get out now. Don't waste your life.
i laughed a little when i
i laughed a little when i read this.... i think in dispear mostly... lol... another piece of the story is this... you may need to brace yourself here...
... he works away 3 weeks out of 4,... :jawdrop:
so i think maybe you might be onto something here... (god it's like the more i look, the more i see.... where the hell are my joggers...)
alright... so from what i've seen and read, i need to stop. I need to, in the very least, have a good sit down and open discussion with my partner, and from there see where the next step is... I'm can see i'm not going to be ready for this level of commitment. I'm really not. And i can see from everyones responce, there is good reason for alarm bells to be going off.
I'm not going to dump and run, but i am going to put a stop to this plan.
Oh em gee. Alarm bells don't
Oh em gee.
Alarm bells don't even begin to describe what should be going off for you.
Oh, hell no! I would so not
Oh, hell no! I would so not be on board for this. Quite an important piece of the puzzle! It's almost like your BF and BM are in cahoots to both have their cake and eat it too, but you're doing all the baking.
I personally think he and BM
I personally think he and BM want you to parent their kids. Oh I have been there, my DH worked all the time and BM wanted to be a part time Mom....so that left me to be the one in charge. Oh man, please make sure you absolutely love this man before you marry.
One thing for me was that it was alright with them while my SDs were kids, the only issue I had was the 10 year old at the time hated that there was another "mom" in the picture. Funny thing her and I are close now. The 7 year old at the time we got along wonderfully until she turned 15 and completely turned herself into a mean, hurtful, evil druggie. Now her and I don't talk, she is 19. She caused massive health issues for me trying to save her because I was the main parent. Anyways please trust your intuition.
I feel bad for pushing you away from them but at the same time, I have been through hell and back and if I can save one person from going through what I did, I will.
Your friends are giving you
Your friends are giving you ridiculous advice. It's not like becoming a new parent. Not by a long shot. FOUR kids! They all already have their habits and ways of doing things.
You're so young. Is this the life you really truly honestly want?
Thank you so much to all of
Thank you so much to all of you. As i briefly mentioned before, it is so much appretiated that you are being direct and honest with me. It really is the first time i've been given advice with no bullshit attached, and from people who genuinely know what they are talking about.
It's so scary, the whole concept of looking after other peoples kids, and so when i turned to friends and family, i truely felt that no-one really understood what i was going through. That no-one could see or sence the same things i could. It's a huge decission, and one i was never going to take un-educated... but how can you learn from people who have never experienced it, who tell you just to take it as it comes... so thank you.. so so much...
I feel much better knowing it's not just me, it's not just nerves, and i'm not just imagining things... i came to the right place, and the right people
I'm not going to run from my relationship, however, I am going to shut this plan of taking the kids on full time down. This is going to hurt my partner. I am under no illusions when it comes to this, and i fully expect him to understand that if i love him enough to take on his kids, then he should love me enough to either give me (much) more time, or keep things the way they are.
I do love this man, and i am happy (enough) with the way things are now... i think, i hope, he will understand this
And the BM that seems nice
And the BM that seems nice now? Well, she can turn on you on a dime and make your life miserable.
^^THIS!!!^^ FDH's wife was
^^THIS!!!^^
FDH's wife was SUPER nice when we started dating up until wehad DD#1. After that, it was like night and day!! Now things that I do with SD that I have done in the past are 'meaningless' 'out of boundaries' and really anything else BM can think of. I ccan't even paint SD's nails without FDH getting a text or call about how 'I'm her mom, she is only to do SPECIAL things with ME!!'
Coming from the women who ASKED me to get SD's first hair cut, because she didn't want to pay just for them to trim it up...
Have the talk with your SO, and I pray that he understands where you're coming from.
Also welcome to the site. You will get so much GREAT advice and support here.
Your friends are comparing
Your friends are comparing this to being a mum. Well, true, you get to cook for them, clean up after them, look after them 24/7, care for them when they're sick, drive them to sports, school, shopping, friends, you get to give up your life for them, just like a real mum.
Now, try disciplining them.............you will get, your not my mum, I don't have to listen to you, your partner, they're my kids, you don't even have any kds of your own, what would you know. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all like a real mum. A real mum gets to dsciipline the kids, gets to say no, on a day when she's ready to tear her hair out, a real mum can and does say, I've had enough of you, get out of my sight, go to your room, and everyone understands her frustration. A step mum. Well, your just picking on them, you don't lke them,. You treat them like this just because they're not your kids. Everyone not only doesn't understand, but everyone knows you just don't like them. Your partner, the kids, the grandparents, school teachers and friends all just know that you don't like them and your not fair. More than anything a real mum gets support from others, even her partner. Just like the real mum of these kids is getting support now from their dad. She wants to give them up, (huge red flag), he's happy to take them. Nice. If you turn around down the track and tell him you want to give up the kids, send them back to BM you will be a monster in his and everyone's eyes. Yet BM gets to do it and its all good.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. IF YOU DON'T HEED THE WARNING YOUR BODY IS GIVING YOU - YOU REALLY WILL REGRET IT.
You hit the nail on the head
You hit the nail on the head with ALL of the above...
THAT is the REALITY of being a SP/SM!
As one of my co-workers used to say "DON'T EAT THE CAKE"!!!!
4 kids... all yet to become
4 kids... all yet to become teens... hell no....
You're way too young for that foolishness.
My friends don't get my situation either except for one who is a BM with 2 kids- her ex is a real pow.
You say you have them every weekend now, does this include when your BF is away? Do you care for them by yourself?
Date this man, keep living arrangements separate, enjoy your time together. Keep it at that.
At 29 a man with children had me running for the hills, I met the love of my life at 37 and he had an 8yr old with a nice enough BM... LOL!
The minute we got married the crazy switch went on. SD13 is getting all of the crazy lessons from her, but since it is only one kid- it can be handled. If there were 4 skids? I would have jumped off a bridge already.. or pushed BM off it.