Betrayal? - or over-reaction?
Hi All,
I haven’t been around for a while, but would appreciate your comments on this.
Today I heard that one of my sisters had been having a cosy chat at the local shops with ‘Daisy’ (cruella de ville supreme mistress of misery wreaked on me for 20+ years until DH’s death last year).
Admittedly, this sister is not as au fait with all the shenanigans as my eldest sister, but is certainly aware of the last master stroke she pulled at the funeral (barging past my family members and me to take the widow’s position behind the coffin).
When I approached my sister the conversation went like this.
Me: I hear you spoke to Fatso (sorry, but this is how I refer to it)
Sister: Oh, Daisy, yes! She was asking all about the family etc.
Me: You know why she’s doing it, don’t you. She only doing it so that she can say ‘ooo! I spoke to Dunwithem’s sister today (meaning if my sisters accept and talk to her, it can’t be her that’s been at at fault all these years, it must be Dunwithem’s)
Sister: Look Dunwithem, it’s all over now, and I think that the fault was all (DH’s) because he didn’t do things right when she was a child.
Me: When she was a child, I made allowances. She wasn’t a child for the last 17 years of our marriage but it never stopped her being nasty, vindictive, deceptive, manipulative, greedy and hurtful. And I know it was (DH) who collaborated and enabled it. But she was/is still an adult and she’s still trying to get at me through my family. Do you actually think she’s interested or cares about any of you?
Sister: Well, anyway, it’s time to let it go.
I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back by my own sister. I’m devastated.
Have I got this wrong?
I agree with all sentiments
I agree with all sentiments here and I would be very careful about what personal business I told my sister at this point. Can you be sure that they didn't exchange phone numbers and make plans to hang out or something? That level of protectiveness (thats the only word I can think of for it) seems a bit much without some sort of budding friendship between the two.
You have a right to feel the
You have a right to feel the way you do. I have a sister like that too. I also have a nasty SD too. I have just learned in my old age that its not always family who will have your back. I learned friends are more like family then anything. Long story but this conversation is not about me. I would just start letting people go even if they are blood family.
Betrayal
Betrayal
Yup! Betrayal! Your sis is a
Yup! Betrayal! Your sis is a backstabbing piece of shit who should have had your back instead. She should have spat on the ground and kept on walking.
I think it sounds like those
I think it sounds like those not living in the step world just do not understand. I know with my own family, I hear things like........"well they are his daughters. They will always be there........just let it go.........blah blah blah and the beat goes on. Get the idea? Rant and rave on this site, but if you keep doing it in real time, people will get bored of it and think you should give it up.. Been there done it!!!
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the validation and for taking the time to answer.
My sister (in her 50s) has recently qualified to be a foster parent. Generally she is a kind person but so heartbreakingly out of touch on this one.
I'm not going to cause a big family blow up over this, but as whimsey said, I'll be very wary.
BTW oldone - love your succint-ness!
'She should have looked at
'She should have looked at Fatso with a dirty look and walked away'
dtzy - that's exactly what I think and exactly what I would have done for my sister. At the very least just a quick nod and walk on - if she couldn't bring herself to ignore (we were brought up to be polite).
Thanks Step. I also want to
Thanks Step. I also want to give her the benefit of the doubt because the alternative is heart-wrenching.
The ironic thing is that largely, Daisy is out of my life now and I barely give her a second thought, yet this latest hurt was caused by my own sister - her reaction to Daisy.
I just hope that it's a gross inability to understand the pain Daisy caused me over the years, and not a hey ho so what mentality. (there is a bit of history a few years ago with this sister against me - judging etc) which was the worst time of my life with depression etc as my family mean the world to me.
Dh is dead, sd is no longer
Dh is dead, sd is no longer part of dunwiththems life. It's not up to her sister to decide that dunwiththem needs to put the past in the past and move on. It didn't happen to the sister. All she should be doing is supporting dunwiththem, be polite if she feels the need, a polite hello as she walks on by. But a nice little chat and telling dunwiththem it's over now. No that's siding with the enemy and a betrayal. Dunwiththem is still grieving, no one has the right to tell her what she needs to put in the past, especially her sister.
It sounds like sister at
It sounds like sister at least has it right when she blames your departed DH anyway.
I would feel betrayed too.
Having said that, I know we aren't all wired the same way. My own family tends to be very polite to all, make no waves and hates conflict. I resent that from them. I would stick up for all of them if needed in a heartbeat! It is funny because through the years, my siblings spouses have been the ones with the guts to stand up for me. They were raised by different parents.
I know it is hard, but just try to shrug your sister's comments off as ignorance to the situation. Realize she only wants peace for you. And then come here because WE all "Get" what you feel.
EBU - yes, I guess my own
EBU - yes, I guess my own heart and body told me what it was when I was in floods of tears trying to drive home after I spoke to her - I hid my upset until I drove away.
your gut is rarely wrong.
A Sister should always have
A Sister should always have your back, even if she thinks you're wrong, she should still support you outwardly, especially to the one who has caused you so much pain. She is entitled to her opinion that you should just get over it, but that's all it is, an opinion. I'm sorry your SD is still hurting you, now thru your family.
Betrayal in my opinion
Betrayal in my opinion too. I would tell my sis if she did that to me....I don't want to ever hear about daisy again. I would, appreciate your understanding dear sis. Also talk her you really don't want any further advice regarding daisy either.
It sounds like your Sister
It sounds like your Sister thinks she is all knowledgable and wise, you are not. My Sister continued to have a relationship with an adopted daughter who was troubled. The police wrote in a report that this was a case of 'parental' abuse. She was eventually diagnosed as a sociopath. But my Sister knew better than I, and seemed to take a sadistic enjoyment in telling me all of the news of the Daughter. This might be the case with your Siister also. One day, as she was reporting all the recent events, I replied, "I'm so glad she has you. She tried to murder two people so she needs your understanding. I know you'll be there if she needs a place to stay." That was the last 'report' I ever heard.
I recall you said SD had financial reprocussions after your DH's funeral. Maybe you could point out to your Sister that she could help SD out financially, and you will relay the message to SD if Sis likes. (LOL)
I am so sad for you that your
I am so sad for you that your SD acted that way at your husband's funeral. I am so sorry.
If your sister saw that and does not have your back, she is confused about loyalty. I have learned that most people do not have much idea about how this SD situation can play out and how hard it is. Not defending her though. What a shame she did that. She will not get your time and does not deserve it.
Go sandy. That's a great
Go sandy. That's a great idea.
Thanks for all your input. I
Thanks for all your input. I kinda knew I wasn't over-reacting but kinda wished I was.
Nope, your not sorry. Your
Nope, your not sorry. Your sister probably is one of those who likes to be liked wants everyone to think she is nice. I have a sister like that. Trouble is, they are so busy trying to get strangers to like them, they don't have time to worry about family. I guess they think family will always like them, they don't have to try with us, doesn't wok that way, My sister was not only talking to my ex, but he was feeding his bs she knew for herself wasn't true to others. She would tell mutual friends she felt sorry for him because eg: I wouldn't let him see the kids. Now she was completely aware he didn't want to see them or support them, but he'd tell her he missed them and she'd pass this along as I wouldn't let him see them and how sorry she was for him.
How did she see this playing out. Well, I wouldn't get mad, she was my sister, I knew what he was like, it was no big deal she was just saying what he said. He thought she was great, she was nice, she was on his side. Strangers, work colleagues and mutual friends, well how nice, compassionate and understanding was she. What a lovely lady to be so supportive of poor him. No matter she was making me look like an absolute bitch in this, even though she knew the truth, even though she saw the bruises, (she never passed that bit on, it didn't serve her purpose to have me look like the victim), no, she just passed on how sorry she was for him, and made herself look good to strangers. There are sisters like that. Just keep anything you don't want fatso to know from your sister. And next time your sister tries to tell you to get over it, put the past in the past, move on etc., tell her to put a sock in it, your more than capable of running your own life and you don't appreciate her worrying more about fatsos feelings than yours. But if she is so concerned about fatso, help her out in a more constructive manner, tell your sister to give fatso the money she's after.
Thanks EBU. Yes, I think she
Thanks EBU. Yes, I think she does see herself as the mother-earth - lets- all- hold-hands- kiss-and-make-up type.
Although she fell out with a long standing close friend a few years ago. Wonder how she would feel if I contacted her friend and went out for a drink with her???
My former sil used to "pal
My former sil used to "pal around" with our bm, who I'm convinced is the devil incarnate. She had grandiose ideas of playing mediator. It turned into ammo to use against us. That sil is long gone, after convincing my fil to hand over 150000 to build a restaurant which went under. She left him around that time too. It's all cool though, because now we are bff's with bm's brother and sister in law. She hates it! }:) }:) }:)
Go for the drink. Tell sd
Go for the drink. Tell sd your sister has money, and as sander said, tell your sister to help sd out financially. Sorry, EX sd. Put the cat amongst the pigeons, and watch to action while you and that friend enjoy that drink.